Jaded By Desire (Lust, Desire, and Love Trilogy Book 2)

by Cox, Desiree A.

  After a couple of hours, Mom handed Gary the keys to the house so they could let themselves in. Jim had gone out to run errands and might not have gotten back home. She also wasn’t ready to leave.

  It seemed like only minutes after Gary’s family left before Sky, Hope, and Abby were in the room. I helped Abby sit on the bed near me, and I was letting her hold Alexander, with my help, of course. It was the cutest thing, seeing her hold him. Jeff and Sky both reached in their pockets and pulled out their phones. It was like being in a photo shoot, with all the camera phones being directed at us and photos being snapped.

  “Take him, Mommy.”

  “Okay, baby.” I slid Alexander out of Abby’s arms and into my hands. I winced as a pain shot through my stomach. Jeff walked over and took him from me.

  “Do you like your new baby brother?” Jeff asked. He stood holding him in one arm like he was a human football.

  “Yep, he’s a nice baby.”

  “Do you remember his name?”

  “Alexander.”

  “So how are things going with you two?” I said as I looked at Sky and Hope. They both looked at each other, and I was pretty sure I saw the eye-twinkle and sparks fly between them.

  “Things are going good with us.”

  We all talked for a few more minutes before the nurse came in and asked to take Alexander down for his screening with the cardiologist. Jeff handed him over to the nurse, who laid him in his bassinet and wheeled him out of the room.

  “What’s going on?” Sky asked.

  “They found that Alexander has an arrhythmia. They’re doing some extra tests with a cardiologist to make sure it’s not something we need to be too concerned about.”

  “Damn, I’m sorry to hear that. Hopefully it’s not anything serious,” Sky said.

  “Aw, Nikki, Jeff, I’m so sorry to hear,” Hope chimed in. She was so sugary sweet, yet sincere. No wonder Sky liked her. And she was so gorgeous.

  “If this helps put your mind at ease, Gary had an irregular heart beat when he was a baby, too.” Mom sat up and scooted to the edge of her chair. “By the time he was three, it was gone. He never had any problems, but he was checked during his regular visits to make sure everything was okay.” Mom’s comments helped more than she knew. I saw Jeff the tension in Jeff’s shoulders ease after hearing what she had to say.

  “We know you need to get some rest, Nikki. Congratulations again to you and Jeff.” Sky shook Jeff’s hand and gave me a quick hug. Hope gave us both a hug, too, then Abby came over and gave me a hug.

  “Come on, little Abby girl, time to go home.” Sky held his hand out for Abby.

  “No, I want to stay with Mommy.” She was gripping my arm tight.

  “Baby, you can’t stay with me. I have to stay in the hospital a couple more days. But you can come see me again tomorrow.”

  “Okay.” Her lip quivered and pulled down into a frown.

  I reminded Sky that Jessica was home if he needed to drop Abby off.

  Right after they left, the nurse brought Alexander back down to the room. She told us the doctor would be down to discuss any findings momentarily. My mom jumped up and was quick to scoop him up out of the bassinet before Jeff could get to him. She went and sat back down in her seat, cradling her new grandson in her arms.

  “You know, he looks a lot like you already, Jeff. All he’s missing is the beard and mustache.”

  Hearing my mom make the comment reminded me that, somehow, I had to figure out how to get a DNA test done. I was ninety-nine percent sure Alexander was Jeff’s son, but I needed to be one hundred percent sure. I wanted no doubt in my mind, ever.

  Jeff was going to be home for the next thirty days, so I’d have to wait until he went back to work. That would give me more than enough time to figure out a plan.

  “Did you hear me, dear?” Mom asked.

  “I’m sorry, I was daydreaming, and I didn’t. What did you ask me?”

  “Do you have godparents picked out for Alexander?”

  “Nothing that we’ve talked about. I don’t even had godparents for Abby. Maybe Jackie could be both of the kids’ godmother.”

  “That’s one. Who else would you choose? Normally, the godparents are a couple.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

  “Well, you have some time to figure that out, but just something to think about, in case anything happened to you both, God forbid.”

  The last thing on my mind was finding godparents for my kids.

  I looked over at the clock. Time was flying by; it was almost six o’clock. I heard a light knock on the door just before Jackie and Mandy came in the room.

  “Hey, Nik, how are you feeling?” Jackie walked over and gave me a hug.

  “Hey, Nikki, you look very beautiful,” Mandy said and gave me a quick little wave.

  “I was beginning to wonder about you two. I’m so happy you both came up.”

  “Hey, Jeff, how are you holding up?” Jackie asked as Mandy gave him a quick hug. “How’s it feel to be a dad?”

  “I’m doing fine, tired, but what can I do? It feels great being a father. I had it easy, though. All I had to do was let Nikki break a couple fingers.” He smiled. God, he was gorgeous.

  “Nikki, baby, I’m going to run. I’ll be back up tomorrow. I need to get home. I don’t want to leave Gary and his family there for long alone in case they need something.”

  “Thanks for coming up, Mom. Tell Jim I said hi.”

  “I will, sweetie.” She gave me a hug and kiss, then walked over to Jeff and gave him a hug, too.

  She tapped him on his chest. “Take good care of my little girl.”

  “I always will. She’s worth more than gold to me.”

  Mom smiled at him, rubbed his arm, and then picked up her purse. She said goodbye to Jackie and Mandy before she left.

  As soon as mom cleared the doorway, Hunter and Connor joined all of us in the room. They both did the whole high-five, handshake thing with Jeff, then each gave me a hug. Jackie was holding the baby when they walked in. Hunter’s eyes were drawn to her as soon as he stood up straight.

  “You look like a natural holding the baby,” he said to her.

  “One day, one day.” Her eyes were fixed on him.

  We all talked and laughed for an hour before our four visitors decided it was time to go. They all walked out together, leaving Jeff, Alexander, and me, in the room. Alexander was getting cranky, which I knew meant he was hungry. Jeff handed him to me. I was breastfeeding him. I knew it was the best thing for him, at least until I was ready to return to work.

  “You’re so beautiful, baby. I could just sit and stare at you all day.”

  I could feel the heat rise in my neck and face. I looked like hell. I was still overweight, and my hair was a mess. I felt like I had to have had bags under my eyes. On top of that, I didn’t have any make-up on. “Thank you.”

  Jeff came over and sat on the bed next to me, stroking my leg over the cover. “I meant what I said to your mother. You mean the world to me, Nikki. You have no idea how happy I am.” His eyes were glassy, filled with tears, tears that never spilled down his cheeks.

  “I am, too.” I was not so fortunate as to have my tears hover in my eyes. They made a jagged path down my cheeks and dripped into Alexander’s hair.

  Chapter 26

  Visitors continued to flood in and out of my room like it had a revolving door all the way up until the time the doctors released me a couple days later. I’m sure the nurses were glad to see me leave.

  I was able to get around pretty good, considering every muscle in my stomach felt like it had been cut and ripped from my body.

  We got some pretty reassuring news from the cardiologist before I was released. They confirmed the arrhythmia was mild. I asked if it was possible it would be outgrown, and they said they had seen that before, but they couldn’t say that was going to be the case. They didn’t want to give us false hope. They were very guarded in their response
s to us. They planned to run some more tests when he was six months old to see if he was getting better, stayed the same, or if the irregularity had gotten worse.

  Before we both left the hospital, they taught us CPR so if there were any issues once we got home, we would be able to tend to him while waiting for a medical team. The thought of administering CPR to my own son terrified me. They told us both it was good to know in general because you never know what a little kid can get into. That didn’t help me much.

  It felt so good being back at home, though. The more I looked at Alexander, the more I saw Jeff. He had a lot of dark hair, more than I would have expected for a baby, and definitely more than Abby had when she was born. His eyes matched Jeff’s. They weren’t open much, but when they were, my heart was pierced by his intense bluish-greys.

  Holding him was surreal. I had never expected to have another baby, especially not after the talk with Jeff about how much he didn’t want kids. Then, when Jeff reacted so badly, I was terrified I’d lose him and I’d be left to raise two kids on my own.

  Not only did we have the crib in our room, but we had a new chair. It was a really nice, wide chaise lounge. Jeff told me he had it delivered while I was in the hospital. When I was woke up in the middle of the night and early in the mornings to feed Alexander, Jeff would sit on the chaise with me, holding us both. Sometimes I could hear his breathing even out and he’d occasionally snore, but it was so relaxing, so peaceful knowing he was there with us. It just felt so perfect. But his remaining time at home with us was slowly dwindling. He only had a month off for paternity leave.

  Jeff was right, too. Having Jessica here to help was fantastic. She helped get Abby up and fed in the mornings, then took her to school. And she was prompt with picking her up. After the first two weeks of being at home, I went back to cooking dinner. I had to do something to make myself feel normal and to get back into the swing of things here at home.

  ****

  The night before Jeff was to return to work left me in a deep funk for so many reasons. I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want him to travel anymore. I didn’t want him around Blake. He told me that was who he had to go out of town with and that this was supposed to be the last time, but that didn’t settle the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I sat in the chaise as I watched my husband pack to leave for a three-day trip with the she-devil herself.

  Alexander was incredibly cranky, too. He wouldn’t stop crying, and that wasn’t helping me at all. He was fed and changed, but all the patting him on the back and bouncing him on my leg did nothing to soothe him. Maybe Alexander knew we should all be sitting on the chair, not just the two of us. Maybe he didn’t want his daddy to leave him, either.

  I stood and paced around the room with him, which seemed to help. But it did nothing to calm me. I had hoped so desperately that Jeff would be able to work from home and no longer have to travel weekly. I wanted that in the worst way so he could be home with me, but it didn’t happen. He was assured it was only a matter of time and in a couple months that should be his new reality. He was going to begin training his replacement so he could stay in the corporate office and, at some point in the near future, work from home a couple days a week.

  My heart was breaking more and more with each passing minute.

  “I’ll be back in a few days. I’m not leaving forever.”

  It seemed like it to me. I fought back the tears. “I know.”

  Jeff

  I could see the sadness on her face, in her eyes, but there was nothing I could do or say to comfort her. I had to leave. I had to get back to work. We both knew up front that I was only going to be off for a month. Hell, if I had my way, I wouldn’t be leaving. I’d love nothing more than to stay here with her and Alexander.

  But I knew she’d be fine in time, and she’d adjust to me being gone again. I wasn’t looking forward to leaving and being back on the road, but there was solace in knowing it wasn’t forever. It was just a matter of time and I’d be home every night, sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my family. Like a normal family does. But until then, I had to keep doing what was necessary to make sure the bills were paid and my family was provided for.

  “I’ll be back in a few days. I’m not leaving forever.” I hated seeing her like that. But I also knew she wasn’t being left alone. She had Jessica here with her.

  “I know.” I could tell by her voice that she was near tears, and thank fucking God she didn’t start crying. I needed her to keep her shit together so I didn’t have to try to deal with that on top of everything else going on in my mind.

  Alexander was going to the doctor while I was gone, and the thought of those results terrified me. I had hoped with all my might that he was better and they wouldn’t hear the irregular heartbeat, but in my own heart, I knew that probably wasn’t going to be the case.

  They were going to check to make sure there were no blockages in his arteries. That would eliminate a lot of concern, but it still wouldn’t give us the answers we needed. We still didn’t know if he’d need to be put on medication or not. I was hoping not.

  Chapter 27

  I fought like hell to prevent tears from being shed as I said good-bye to Jeff. Watching him walk out the door was harder than I had ever expected it to be.

  Who would have guessed him being off from work for a month would have had such a powerful impact. But sleeping in his arms, sitting on the chaise while feeding Alexander, just going through all of the day-to-day activities with him had changed me. And it confirmed that’s what I wanted.

  As soon as Jeff’s car began backing down the driveway, the tears fell. I felt empty. And lonely. The next three days would feel like an eternity. I hated the thought of not talking to him in person, not seeing him.

  But more than anything else, I hated that he was going to be with her. She had already tried to come on to him when they traveled. The brazen bitch even tried to come on to him right in her own house. With her husband and me both there. She had no concern for anyone but herself, and she seemed to be pretty hell-bent on getting what she wanted, which was my husband back in her web.

  I stood with my head leaning on the doorway, staring at the empty driveway. He was gone. I released a deep sigh. I had to pull myself together. Alexander had his visit with the doctor later. Mom was going to drive me to the appointment.

  I felt helpless. I couldn’t drive myself anywhere yet. I had a live-in babysitter for Abby to help me get her back and forth to day care. To justify Jessica’s presence, she was getting Abby up in the mornings and cooking her breakfast. She was also making sure Abby was bathed at night because leaning over the tub with these stitches was impossible.

  I couldn’t even work out. I had only lost nineteen pounds when I had Alexander, so I still had thirty-five pounds to lose. Because of the C-section, I couldn’t do anything to help me lose weight except starve myself. But that won’t happen. I’m not big on starving; that’s why I’m fat right now. And Blake is perfect. And she’s with my husband. I dropped my eyes to the floor, shook my head, and closed the door.

  My chest felt hollow. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my body. I wanted to go back to bed and never get up. I just wanted to pull the sheet over my head and fall into a deep coma-type sleep. If I didn’t have children, I could do that.

  And if I didn’t have Alexander, I’d be going to work, and my life would be normal. And I wouldn’t have to go to the pediatrician. And I’d be driving Abby to school. And I wouldn’t be fat. And I --

  I felt the hand on my arm, then turned my head to face her. “Nikki, do you want some breakfast with Abby?”

  “I’m going to just have coffee. Thanks.” I had lost my appetite.

  I followed Jessica into the kitchen and poured a cup. I sat at the breakfast bar next to Abby, who was eating home-made waffles that smelled absolutely divine. I slumped down, and rested my head in my hand. My arm was bent at the elbow, and propped against the table.

  “What’s
wrong, Mommy?” The corners of Abby’s mouth were turned down, and she was rubbing my hand that rested on my coffee mug handle.

  “Nothing, baby, I’m just tired.”

  “You should go take a nap.”

  “I will. Eat all your food so you can be smart in school.”

  “I am. I’m real smart, Mommy.” She removed her little hand from mine and grabbed her fork. All in one motion, she shoveled a huge bite of waffles into her mouth. I couldn’t help but smile. She looked like a chipmunk.

  “I know, baby. I know.” I raised my mug to my lips and sipped my hot beverage.

  By the time my mom had arrived at the house, I had taken a shower, washed my hair and pulled it back into the worst-looking ponytail ever, and fed Alexander. I was looking at myself in the mirror when the doorbell rang. I had on one of Jeff’s T-shirts and a pair of my sweatpants that had become a staple of my nine-months-pregnant wardrobe after coming home from work. I wanted to break the mirror so I’d never have to see myself again. How in the hell was Jeff still with me? Look at me! Why would anyone who looked like him want to be with someone who looked like me?

  I had only gained thirty pounds with Abby, and the weight had dropped off so fast. By the time I went back to work, I was able to fit into all of my pre-pregnancy clothes. Judging by the way I looked now in my reflection, when it was time for me to go back to work, I’d need them to relax the dress code for me so I could wear those funky gray sweats.

  I wrapped the blanket around Alexander and carefully walked down the stairs into the kitchen.

  “There you are. How are you doing today, sweetie?” Mom’s smile was wide as she held her arms out to take the baby from me.