Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

by Kaja Foglio

  Opposite the bar was a cabaret stage. Gaslamps hissed along the front, and it was hung with a thick red curtain emblazoned with the badge of the Jägerkin, a grinning demonic skull. At the moment, the three faux Jäger girls Gil had met earlier were strutting about onstage, doffing assorted items of clothing while melodically assuring the audience that come what may, they still had their hats.

  The appreciative audience was composed entirely of Jägers—several hundred at least. Some were sitting at small private tables or in booths but most sat at the immensely long wooden tables that filled the center of the hall.

  Almost every square centimeter of wall was covered by weapons, armor, and peculiar bits of madboy tech, some of it hundreds of years out of date. Gil realized that these were trophies: souvenirs of enemies that the Jägers had gone up against in the service of the Heterodynes—and later, of the Wulfenbachs. With a start, Gil recognized the vermilion uniforms of the Viscount Eisenstein’s Lobstermen.

  “Mamma Gkika’s isn’t just a bar,” Zeetha said. “The Jägers won’t let anyone but a Heterodyne work on them—so when one gets too injured to fight, he comes here. Mamma patches them up as best she can. In the really bad cases—she keeps them comfortable while they wait for the family to come back. So they can get properly repaired, you know?”

  Gil nodded slowly. “This answers many questions. I had been afraid that they killed their wounded rather than let us get our hands on them.” He saw a Jäger with no legs and one arm pour a tankard of ale into his mouth and then challenge another to an arm wrestling match. He turned back to Van and Krosp and smiled. “I’m glad that’s not the case.”

  Zeetha nodded. “I can’t wait to see Agatha’s face when she finds out. She hates doing chores.”

  Gil looked at her. “Then what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with her?”

  Zeetha shrugged and waved her hands at the ceiling. “The Heterodyne must enter the Castle alone,” she quoted in mock sepulchral tones.

  Gil shot to his feet. “She’s already in the castle? That thing is a death trap! We have to go in and help her!”

  “We really are going to be be-e-est friends,” she said as she locked an arm around his neck and dragged him back into his seat. “I approve of this plan and intend to help in any way possible.”

  Gil paused, “You do?”

  Zeetha nodded. “Absolutely. As far as I know, she just had to enter alone. Nothing says we can’t follow in after her.” She turned to Vanamonde. “Right?”

  Van cleared his throat. “I don’t think it’s ever come up.”

  Gil turned to him. “My father—”

  Van interrupted, “Yes, your father. He’s been busy. I would like to know what he’s been doing.”

  Gil sat back and gave Van a wan smile. “While I’m sure that at a cellular level my father has been quite active, he won’t be doing much of anything for a while.”

  Krosp snorted. “Anyone else I’d call disingenuous, but from you I’ll accept stupid.”

  Van looked annoyed. “Krosp, please…”

  Krosp slammed a pawful of paper flimsies down onto the table. “For starters, he’s been giving a bunch of weird orders.”

  Gil looked alarmed. He scooped them up and examined them. His alarm grew. “These are…How did you get these?”

  Van waved a hand. “Please. People give orders, other people write them down, people carry them from place to place, others must execute them… But that is all unimportant. What is it exactly that he’s doing?”

  Gil waved the papers. “He’s probably administering the Empire. I assume that most of these orders were sent out by Boris, under my father’s seal. He’s severely injured! Bedridden! In my medical opinion, he won’t be up for weeks.”

  Krosp snorted again. Van ignored the cat and kept his eyes on Gil. “So. Even his son underestimates him.”

  Gil looked alarmed. “What? What do you mean?”

  Krosp smoothed his whiskers. “Oh, he’s up, all right.”

  _______________

  33 A more exhaustive and entertaining relating of these events can be found in our first textbook; Agatha H. and the Airship City. Reading this is not mandatory, of course, unless you wish to pass our course.

  34 Don’t Make Me Come Over There! Empire Publishing Office/Dusseldorf

  35 After the disastrous sacking of the Vatican by the Anabaptist Alchemical Army in 1566, the Papal Court was scattered. At the time of our story, after several centuries of internecine fighting and intrigue, there were seven recognized Popes; the Pope of Avignon, the Ottoman Pope, the Pope of the Tsars, the Pope of Belfast, the Gypsy Pope (who, confusingly, is not affiliated with the Romany), the Pope of the Mountains, and the mysterious Sicilian Papa de Tutti Papi.

  36 Like almost everything else, sex education in Mechanicsburg has its own…unique take. As a result, Mechanicsburg girls tend to be rather forward, know what they want, and have no qualms about asking for it, especially when they are wearing their weasel pajamas.

  37 Luigi del Basteri awoke one morning convinced that he was the reincarnation of one of the Borgias (which one varied from day to day). Venthraxus thought this was very funny and built Luigi his own kitchen, locked him in, and had him cater select parties. This worked out fairly well, until, in a moment of absent-mindedness, he tasted some sauce.

  38 Unless one is raised in the minion mindset, it is difficult to understand the allure of the lifestyle. Outside observers merely see put-upon underlings who live and work in insanely dangerous positions, whose lives are ruled by dictatorial psychopaths who have little regard for their lives or sanity. Acclimatized minions realize that everyone on Earth lives under these strictures, they just don’t fool themselves. With clarity comes freedom.

  39 Professor Silas Merlot, PhD University of Salzburg, had been the long time second-in-command to Professor Tarsus Beetle, the late Tyrant of Beetleburg. There are those who are not Sparks but seem destined to become Sparks. Merlot was one of these and was continually frustrated by his inability to Break Through. This resulted in a sour disposition and a growing hatred of Agatha, who he saw as receiving a disproportional amount of the Tyrant’s attention. The fact that Tarsus was aware of Agatha’s true identity while Merlot was not, did nothing to ameliorate his feelings when the truth came out. The simple fact is that some people are born nasty.

  40 As related in Agatha H. and the Airship City, this particular gas connector was used by Gilgamesh as an impromptu ring during his disastrous first proposal of marriage to Agatha. In our second textbook, Agatha H. and the Clockwork Princess, we saw how it had been planted upon a convenient corpse in order to convince the Wulfenbachs that Agatha was dead. The fact that Gil had kept it, and continued to wear it is, in your Professoressa’s opinion, indicative of a morbid personality.

  41 Professor Guylian Consolmagno, PhD, University of Rome. Leader of the first Europan expedition to Skifander, though he evidently was surprised to find it. He died, and his expedition notes were destroyed by air pirates upon their return. He might have taken some solace from the fact that Zeetha subsequently eradicated the pirates and destroyed their base, but this assumes a small-mindedness and lack of forgiveness that one rarely sees amongst the better class of academics.

  CHAPTER 5

  THE CAVERNS OF MECHANICSBURG

  The town of Mechanicsburg sits atop a land honeycombed with caverns and lava tubes. It is famous among Europa’s spelunking community as it offers a wide range of expeditions ranging from the simple all the way up to the insanely dangerous Class Five, which requires breathing apparatus, submersible gear, a demonstrated proficiency in at least two weapon types, a signed and notarized indemnification release, and a registered copy of one’s last will and testament. (If you are familiar with Europa’s spelunking community, it will come as no surprise that Class Five expeditions are perennially booked up a year and a half in advance, so reserve your spot as soon as possible!)

  Lest this put off the curious amateur, let us reass
ure you that the sights and sounds that can be experienced on the Beginner’s Tour are unique and well worth the laughably small chance of being attacked by bloodbats.

  In addition to their natural wonders, the subterranean levels of the area have long been home to assorted servitors and creations of the Heterodynes. These colorful denizens of “Under Town” are always good for an exciting story about “the old days,” and are renowned for their handicrafts and the various species of exotic fungi they cultivate, which are available for sale or trade. (It is only a statistically insignificant number of unlucky visitors that are chosen for the quaint local ritual known as the Surface Tithe, and those who survive to witness it call it “an unforgettable treat that gave us a new appreciation of life”—Professor Strout’s Guide to Roadside Scientific Atrocities.)

  Highlights on the Beginner’s Tour also include the Snail Plantations, the Cursed Springs, the Ruins of the Subterranean Empire, and the Cavern of Transmutating Elements.

  Expeditions may be booked through any number of Deep Delving Shops. We recommend Lindenbrook’s Subterranean Adventures, located on Heterodyne Square.

  —One Thousand and One Things To Do In Mechanicsburg/ It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Press.

  Dr. Sun gave the coded knock and opened the door to the Baron’s sickroom. He had been handed the usual stack of papers as he passed through the halls. He frowned as he examined them.

  “Klaus? What is this nonsense I hear—” A muffled sound made him look up. Bangladesh DuPree glared at him. She was chained to the foot of Klaus’s bed, which was otherwise empty. Sun’s eyes darted around the room. Assorted bits of important medical equipment were missing, as was his patient. His eyes went back to the papers in his hand. Realization dawned. “He wouldn’t,” he whispered.

  Less than two minutes later, he erupted from the doorway to one of the inner courtyards, scattering a crowd of nervous orderlies. “Of course he would!” he muttered.

  Sun paused and straightened up. Center. Focus. Breath like a fern unfolding. You are the lynchpin of your House. Show no stress.

  Striding across the lawn was a large clank—the kind normally used for transporting supplies or dealing with dangerous constructs. Now, ensconced behind the two trained nurse pilots, Sun could see that Klaus had installed a bank of medical equipment, as well as his actual hospital bed. An I.V. bag swayed above him as the colossus strode about the manicured walkways, on what was obviously a test run.

  “Klaus!” Sun screamed.

  From above, the ruler of Europa paused and peered down at him. “What?” He asked innocently.

  Sun realized that he was actually jumping up and down in rage. This only served to make him madder. “Are you trying to kill yourself? Or me? You are on strict bed rest!”

  “Well, of course,” Klaus said reasonably. One of the walker’s giant manipulators waved at Sun. “That’s why I made sure to recalibrate the controls to respond to minimal hand movements.”

  Sun again shrieked with rage and began furiously kicking at one of the giant legs. A few of the orderlies noted with fascination that the industrial grade metal was denting under the onslaught. “That is not the point! After what happened last time, you promised you’d let me do my job!”

  A giant hand gently scooped the old man up and brought him close to the operator’s cupola. “Unless it was an emergency. This is an emergency.”

  Sun waved his hands in the air. “You always say that! It’s always an emergency!”

  Klaus ignored this. “The Other is alive and here in Mechanicsburg. The Empire is being attacked. Hostile forces are still within the walls of the town, and my son is nowhere to be found.”

  Sun took a deep breath and folded his arms together. “So you’re going to handle it all personally? Being a successful emperor means being able to delegate authority! Occasionally, you must let other people do things for you!”

  Klaus rolled his eyes. “I know that. But there are some things that only I can do.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like fight a war.”

  Sun raised his fists to the heavens. “You are a terrible emperor!” When he looked back at Klaus, Sun’s eyes were filled with an icy rage. “And a terrible patient!” Methodically, he began tying back his long flowing sleeves. “I should have had guards upon your guards. I see that now. Obviously I must take a page from your book and do everything myself.” He took a deep breath and went still.

  For the first time, Klaus began to look nervous. A giant metal finger gently poked Sun on the shoulder. The old man began to look positively serene. Sweat appeared on Klaus’s brow.

  Suddenly, a shouted voice caught their attention. “Grandfather! Stop making yourself the center of everything!”

  Sun frowned and peered down. He saw a slim young woman in a green silk version of the hospital uniform striding towards him,42 followed by Captain Vole. “You are needed in surgery,” she declared.

  Klaus wisely said nothing and smoothly deposited Sun onto the ground. “What has happened now?”

  Daiyu pointed. “This miserable creature—”

  Vole interrupted her. “On orders from Master Gilgamesh, Hy haff brought hyu de leader ov dose var schtompers. He iz in need uv medical attention.”

  Sun sniffed. “I will be the judge of that. Where is he?”

  Soundlessly, Vole reached into a stained canvas sack and pulled forth the surprised-looking head of General Rudolf Selnikov.

  Sun blinked and harrumphed. “Yes. Well…tricky, certainly, but I’ve seen worse. Let’s get him prepped.”

  The Baron interrupted before they could leave. “Vole!”

  The Jäger paused and then made to hand the head off to the older man.

  Sun waved a hand at his granddaughter, who gave a heavy sigh and snagged the head by its ear. They took off, with Sun bellowing for the orderlies to begin prepping one of his operating rooms. Those who knew him could see that he was looking forward to the challenge. At the entrance, he paused and whirled about—startling the Baron with a fiery glare. He pointed at Klaus and then at the hospital. The message was obvious. Then he spun back and strode into the building.

  Klaus heaved a great sigh. Of course he would protect the Great Hospital. What was Sun thinking? He focused his attention on the Jäger waiting below. “Vole, where have you been?”

  The Jäger looked indignant. “Dere vos a lot uv dead guys und busted machines to dig through! Dot’s not as much fun az it sounds like!

  “Plus, Hy took some time to tok to sum uf de guards. Az Hy suspected, both of de Heterodyne gurls iz now in de Kessle.” He paused, and his next words were slower. “De second gurl, de vun Hy vas sent to get, she iz der real ting. Hy ken tell,” he said defensively, although Klaus had said nothing. “De Kessle vill listen to her, if it vill listen to ennyboddy.”

  “That’s not good, Captain.” The idea of Lucrezia in possession of an even marginally functional Castle Heterodyne? Klaus grimaced. “No, I don’t like that at all.” He leaned forward, “Now enough of your evasions, where is my son?”

  “He iz at Mamma Gkika’s, Herr Baron.”

  Klaus rolled his eyes. “I have got to get that boy married,” he muttered. “But it could be worse. He’ll be distracted for the moment.” He leaned back down. “I have orders for you to deliver and I think it would be best if he doesn’t hear about them. However, I will want him safely removed from Mechanicsburg before things get under way.”

  Vole saluted crisply. “Hy vill drag him avay from here, after Hy beat him senseless, sir.”

  Klaus stared at Vole for several seconds. “That might work,” he admitted.

  Back in Mamma Gkika’s, Gil shuffled through the papers before him, his mind sorting and calculating automatically. Vanamonde and Krosp watched him silently. Zeetha was happily gnawing away at what appeared to be a turkey leg almost the size of her arm.

  The orders concerned a lot of the sort of thing one would expect in a town that was both hosting the Baron and expecti
ng civic disturbances43: the movement of road crews, paymasters, fire fighters, extra troops, quartermasters, emergency communication systems—

  Gil paused, and suddenly shuffled back several sheets. His gaze sharpened. He checked a few names—

  When he looked at Van, his face was aghast. “He’s going to destroy Castle Heterodyne,” he whispered.

  “How?” Krosp asked with professional interest. “The town is legendary for never being conquered.”

  Van looked worried, “Yes, the old Heterodynes chose this spot for a reason.”

  Gil slapped the papers down onto the table. “Sure, if the defenses were working, an army couldn’t even get up the pass.” He leaned in. “But the defenses aren’t working. My father is already in control of the town. He can walk the necessary machines right up to the castle walls if he wants to.”

  He pulled a paper from the stack. “Road crews. It’s true, these days we mostly use the Rumbletoys as earthmovers. But their subsonic wave throwers could liquefy the rock the castle sits on!”

  Another paper. “Firefighters? The Ninth Ætheric Vapor Squad usually fights fires in cities and forests, but kick their gas condensers up a notch or two and you could spray the castle with liquid Nitrogen and then crack it open with a hammer.”

  Another. “Emergency Communications System. The Heliolux Airship Fleet. If we order it, their mirror and lens arrays could melt this entire town off the map.” He thought about selecting another but instead just tossed the entire pile in front of Vanamonde.

  “I’m sure you get the idea. For almost twenty years my father has been collecting Sparks and their tools, repurposing them for peaceful uses within the Empire. But rest assured, he always remembers that they were initially built as war machines, and he knows how to use them.”

  Everyone stared at the pile of paper. Van took a deep swallow of coffee. “This is…not perfect,” he muttered.