Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

by Kaja Foglio

  The Castle paused. “Why, yes. A young gentleman and his attendant have just slipped in through the Phosphorus Gate. I was wondering if he was yours?”

  Agatha’s heart gave a thump. “Is it Gilgamesh?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him. He’s not throwing lightning around, but that’s not—”

  Moloch cleared his throat. “Tall. Fit. Aristocratic. Weird hair.”

  “Nice hair,” Agatha snapped.

  “It’s hard to say,” the castle confessed. “They are wearing stealth cloaks, and they are proceeding with extreme caution, which is why they are still alive. Well…barely alive.”

  Agatha felt her chest grow tight. “What did you do?”

  “I? Nothing. They are in a dead zone. All I can do is observe. But there are independent guardian systems in the area.”

  Agatha looked wary. “Independent guardian systems? What, like those flying things?”

  “Similar,” the Castle confessed. “But I no longer control them.”

  Suddenly Moloch froze and dropped his bundle. “Wait! Are you talking about the Steam Cats?”

  “Technically, they’re called ‘fun-sized mobile agony and death dispensers.’”

  “Geargrit, no!” Moloch moaned. “Those things are almost impossible to kill!” He slid down the wall until he collapsed onto the floor. “We’re finally in an area where nothing is trying to kill us and now she’s going to drag me along while she commits suicide trying to rescue her crazy boyfriend from a bunch of unholy killing machines!”

  Agatha sighed in exasperation. “He’s not actually—”

  “And if I don’t go along,” Moloch yelled, “you’ll amuse yourself by squashing me like a bug! I’m doomed either way!”

  “You have a remarkably astute grasp of the situation,” the Castle said with a grudging respect.

  “I’ve been around way too many Sparks,” Moloch sobbed.

  “And yet, even after dealing with them all, you are still alive,” the Castle pointed out.

  Moloch raised his head in surprise. “I…well, I…I guess I am.”

  “Amateurs!” the Castle sneered.

  Moloch looked beseechingly at Agatha. “Come on—can’t you just find a new boyfriend?”

  But Agatha was already running. “Hurry!”

  Almost five minutes later, they topped yet another stairwell. As they ran, Agatha’s mind raced.

  “So how do I beat these things?” she asked.

  Moloch groaned. “You can’t! All you can do is get to a place where they can’t reach you. They’re really strong, really fast, and really well-built.”

  Agatha considered this. “Are they really smart?”

  The Castle answered. “Without me controlling them? Not very.”

  Agatha grinned. “Okay, I can work with that.” She looked at the closed doors. “You could take them out, right?”

  The Castle paused. “Yesssss…”

  Moloch perked up. “Hey! I get it! Lure them out here and the Castle can smash them for us!”

  “Destroy my own security systems?” The Castle sounded shocked.

  Agatha cleared her throat.

  “Oh, very well, but I’ll want them repaired later.”

  “Holy smokes,” Moloch marveled. “That is a good plan.”

  Agatha smiled as she slowly opened one of the doors. “Isn’t it, though?” Beyond was a large open room, some sort of feast hall. In the dim light, they could see that there was a long open fireplace along one wall—and the rest were hung with musty tapestries. It was impossible to see what was actually depicted upon them, but from what Agatha could see, the artist had liked using a lot of red. Above was an impressive set of exposed ceiling beams. A row of tall windows, the glass long smashed out, allowed a breeze to blow through the room. The furniture had fallen into ruin due to rain rot and insects.

  Agatha stepped through the door. Nothing moved. Moloch crept in behind her. She pointed to a set of doors located in a far corner. They moved quietly towards them. “Now we just have to find them,” she said in a low voice. “Castle? How close to those things are we?”

  A huge golden claw erupted from the shadows and slammed the door through which they had entered. A deep mechanical growl rose behind them.

  Moloch closed his eyes. “Pretty close,” he whispered. “Don’t move!”

  Agatha’s eyes ached from strain as she tried to look behind her—but she froze in place. “Are you kidding me?”

  A metallic sound, like a mechanism slowly walking, came from behind them. “They react to movement,” Moloch said urgently. “So we want to get out of its line of sight, and then run like mad for someplace it can’t get to.”

  Another step. Very close now. Agatha could hear poorly maintained gears grinding as it took yet another step towards them. Agatha frantically swept her eyes across the room.

  “I don’t think that’s really an option here. I don’t see anywhere we can hide.”

  A gigantic metal paw crashed to the ground between them. It was lovingly engraved with swirls and arabesques and had once been polished to a high gleam, but now it was encrusted with oil, dust, and what was very probably old blood.

  Agatha felt her heart pounding so hard that she was sure her skin must be vibrating…But nothing more happened.

  We can’t keep this up forever, Agatha thought. We’ll get tired or get a cramp or an itch—just like the one that has magically bloomed on my knee. Great. She realized that her breathing had sped up. She tried to remember the breathing exercises that Zeetha had taught her but they shot out of her head when a metal muzzle—festooned with cruel looking spines—eased into her peripheral vision. She saw Moloch close his eyes and heard a faint whimper. The head began to swing her way—when a boot sailed out of the darkness, bounced off the top of the automaton’s head, and flew into a corner.

  With a sound like a locomotive, the mechanical creature dived after it. As it passed between Agatha and Moloch, a woman’s voice from the blackness above called out: “Sit down! Cover your mouth with your hands, and don’t move!”

  They did so, and could see the “steam cat” now. In Agatha’s opinion, it did look like an enormous cat, but easily the size of one of the draft horses that had pulled wagons in the circus. Armored and covered in spines, hooks, and sharp edges, it had a large mouthful of jagged metal teeth which snapped open and shut in a idle mechanical reflex as it quested about the room.

  Finding nothing, it swung about, red-lit eyes gleaming, and after a moment slowly padded back towards them.

  “You can talk,” the mysterious voice from above informed them. “Just don’t let it see your mouth moving.” The steam cat didn’t react to this voice, just continued to slowly advance. It came up to Moloch and the red eyes swept over him once…twice… and then with a clank, the thing turned away and moved off back towards the door they had come in by.

  Agatha swallowed the lump in her throat. “It—” she realized that she would have to speak loudly from behind her hands. “It can’t hear us?”

  No reaction from the device, which had begun a slow circuit of the room.

  “Apparently,” said the helpful voice, “it can’t even see us unless we’re actually moving. What? Like a what?”

  Agatha heard murmuring and realized that there was at least another person above them. They must be up on the rafters, she realized.

  “Oh, thank you, yes, like a frog.” The voice was annoyed now. “Thank you for that piece of incredibly useless information. Now shut up and if you open your mouth again I will gut you like a trout!”

  From behind her cupped hands, Agatha spoke up. “It’s not supposed to work like this! It’s another rogue system. It doesn’t work properly if it isn’t linked with the Castle.”

  The voice from above sighed in obvious exasperation. “You Sparks can’t keep from running your mouths even when you have nothing useful to say. It doesn’t have to be working right. All it has to do is stay here not seeing us—yes, okay, like
a giant metal frog with claws—until we fall over from thirst and exhaustion!”

  Agatha waited until the voice wound down. “I have a way to stop it,” she said.

  A brief silence. “You do?”

  “Yes. I need to lure it through the door we just came through.” The giant metal creature padded over to them and sank to its haunches, its glowing eyes fixed upon the door in question. Agatha took a deep breath. “But we need it…distracted.”

  The voice considered this. “Well…that should—what?” More low murmuring came from above. “I swear to the Mother of Knives, if this is more idiocy—all right! All right!” Another sigh. “You—what did you do to Vrin?”

  Agatha was so surprised that she started slightly. Instantly, the automaton’s attention snapped to her. Agatha held her breath while her mind raced.

  “Vrin? I don’t—”

  The voice from above prodded her. “Lady Vrin. In Sturmhalten. What did you do to her?”

  “Who are you?” Agatha felt a flush of sweat. The voice didn’t sound like one of the strange warrior women she had fled from in Sturmhalten, but how many others even knew of Lady Vrin’s existence?

  “Please. This is very important.” Despite this statement, it was obvious that the speaker thought it a waste of time.

  Agatha didn’t want to make an enemy of the owner of the voice, but…

  “You won’t be mad?”

  “I’m already mad!” the voice growled, “But not about whatever stupid thing this is about. Please.”

  “Well, I kind of hit her with a broom.”

  Moloch interrupted. “A broom?”

  “I…kind of hit her with a broom a lot.”

  A different voice sounded above. “Thank God—it is you. Agatha…”

  Agatha realized that she recognized the second voice. “Tarvek?”

  “Okay, get ready to run!”

  With a crash, Tarvek Sturmvoraus leaped from the shadows above and landed square on the back of the giant machine. He appeared to be wearing hastily wrapped sheets, and little else. “Run!” he yelled. Above them, the other voice shrieked in furious protest.

  The automaton leapt into the air and gave a shrill mechanical roar. It then began a twisting set of gyrations, trying to dislodge its rider.

  As Agatha and Moloch leapt to their feet, a girl dressed in deep shades of black and purple dropped to the floor beside them. She was staring at Tarvek with rage boiling off her. “What are you doing, you idiot?”

  Tarvek, still hanging on to the monster, ignored her and called to Agatha, “The door! GO!”

  The girl looked like she was about to leap straight into the fight. Both Agatha and Moloch grabbed her and began to drag her along with them towards the doors. “No!” she shrieked. “After all that trouble getting your useless butt out of that hospital, you are not going to commit suicide! Grandma will have me flayed!”

  The automaton stopped its attempts to throw Tarvek off and lunged after the fleeing trio with a roar. Quickly, Tarvek threw his sheet over its eyes, and it stopped dead for a moment, as if puzzled. Then it shook itself like a dog and roared again, clawing at the fabric that hid its face.

  Agatha shouted: “Everybody scatter!” If it doesn’t follow you, get the door open!”

  The three ran in different directions as the device cleared the sheet from its eyes.

  “Don’t follow me. Don’t follow me…” Moloch’s frantic voice could be heard as he pelted his way across the room. With a howl, the creature bounded off after him. “I knew it!”

  Agatha forced herself to ignore Moloch’s scream of rage and ran for the door. “I made it!” she called out exultantly, and she gave the great door a tug. Nothing. “And it’s locked!”

  “Oh, that’s just perfect!” Agatha realized the girl in purple was at her side. She pushed Agatha away. Dipping a hand into one of the pouches at her waist, she extracted a slim, hooked rod. “Move! Highly trained Smoke Knight comin’ through!”

  The girl slid the rod into the keyhole and twirled it about. A look of surprise flitted across her face. “This isn’t locked.” Another twirl in the opposite direction. “This is jammed.”

  Agatha closed her eyes. “Yes, that happens a lot around here, apparently.”

  “Yeah, but I can’t do anything about that. I’m not a weight lifter. How am I supposed to deal with this?”

  Agatha glanced behind, and saw the creature, with Tarvek still astride it, galloping towards them. “Really quickly!”

  “Violetta,” Tarvek shouted. “Take her up!”

  “You think? Idiot.” In a single movement, the girl produced a chubby little air-pistol, pointed it straight up, and fired, grabbing Agatha around the waist.

  Agatha felt a jerk as she was hauled upwards, the reel on the device screaming in protest. Centimeters below her feet, the automaton’s jaws closed on empty air with a ringing snap.

  A shove and a quick grab for support, and Agatha found herself hauled atop a thick wooden ceiling beam.

  The girl examined the smoking device, then, with a curse, she tossed it towards the ground. The automaton leapt again, and snapped the little device out of the air, crushing it in shining metal jaws. Tarvek was still hanging on as the automaton dashed about, but his sheets were becoming more tattered and disheveled by the minute. He really wasn’t wearing anything else underneath. Agatha tried hard not to notice. Instead, she concentrated on the question of what he was doing here, in Castle Heterodyne, and what she should do about it.

  On the one hand, his family was mixed up with a shadowy plot to overthrow the Empire, and they had been working with Lucrezia—the Other—to do it. The Other’s creatures and devices had been all over their castle. Tarvek himself had been working with Lucrezia and her servants—and had actively thwarted Agatha’s efforts to warn the Baron about the Other’s return.

  On the other hand, Tarvek had rebelled—had tried to get Agatha away from Sturmhalten Castle before the Other’s servants could catch her. When Agatha had been caught anyway, and it looked as if Lucrezia’s presence in her mind would extinguish her altogether, he had helped her fight back. She was still alive because of him.

  Plus—and there was no denying it—she had found him very attractive. Different than Gil, there was no question of that, but still…

  It was all very frustrating, she thought. Definitely the sort of thing a girl needs to sort out…over time…with the aid of knowledgeable friends, a good wine, and several kilograms of good chocolate. None of which were now present.

  “Okay,” Violetta muttered. “So here I am, back where we started.” She gave Agatha a sour look. “Without, I might add, the fool I’m supposed to keep alive. Great plan, my Lady.”

  Agatha tore her gaze from Tarvek. “Wait! Where’s von Zinzer?”

  “Over here.” They looked up in surprise, to see Moloch sitting astride another beam. He waved at them amiably, and the tone of his voice conveyed a pleased surprise. “Thanks for asking.”

  Violetta stared at him in astonishment. Then glanced back down at the floor, which was easily five meters below. “You’ve trained in the way of the Smoke?”

  Moloch shrugged and waved a hand. “Nah. My mother always said that stuff would kill you.”

  Agatha ignored them and looked around. Below them, the creature had changed tactics. It was by turns freezing in place and then suddenly shaking itself violently. Tarvek was managing to hold on, but Agatha knew it was only a matter of time. She had to try something.

  The beam she was on was filthy. Encrusted with centuries worth of dust, grime, and cooking smoke. Luckily, it was also enormous, hewn centuries ago from some primeval oak tree, and was easily a meter wide. Agatha gingerly swung her legs up and eased herself onto her hands and knees. She eyed the doors she had spotted at the other end of the room and started forward.

  “What are you doing?” Violetta asked from behind her.

  “I’m wondering what’s through that other door.”

  There was
a soft whoosh through the air and the lightest of thumps, and Violetta was now standing before Agatha. “There’s three more of those monsters on the other side. That’s the way we came in,” Violetta said wearily.

  “Ah.” Agatha thought about this. “Is there any other way out?”

  Violetta shook her head. “No.”

  Agatha glanced about. The upper reaches of the vast room were shrouded in darkness. “How can you be so sure? It’s pretty dark up here.”

  Violetta reached up to her brow. A strap ran across her forehead, with a small device attached. She snapped it on and an intense red beam blinked into existence. “Only got my hunting light, don’t I?” She slowly began to pivot in place. “Let’s have a look around.”

  The light drifted up, revealing a small square of darker black. “Air vent of some sort up there, but even if we could get you up to it, that hole is too small even for me.” The light moved to the left and Agatha gasped as hundreds of small bright dots gleamed in the darkness. “But I guess it’s big enough for those bloodbats.49 The moon’s coming up, so I figure they’re almost ready to fly. We’d better get out of here soon.”

  The light now skittered up along the beam they were on. “Oh, and it’s a good thing you didn’t crawl much further.” The light revealed a delicate lattice of threads. Dark shapes scurried away as they were illuminated. “If you had, you’d’ve got caught in that spiderroach web.50 Once they know you’re helpless, they’ll pour out and strip the flesh from your bones.”

  Agatha slowly backed up, but stopped when she heard a meaty “thunk” near her left foot. Looking behind her, she saw a small creature squirming furiously, pinned by a slim black blade.

  “Look at that,” said Violetta with a touch of surprise. “Venomous Rafter Toad.51 I didn’t know they were active at this time of the year.”

  Agatha tried to pull herself into the smallest amount of space possible.

  Violetta sighed and sat down beside her, turning off her light. “See? Nothing up here that’s of any use to us at all.”

  Agatha blinked and then smiled. “Actually, you’re quite wrong.” Violetta frowned.

  On the ground below, or rather, on the back of the rampaging automaton, Tarvek was coming to terms with his imminent death.