by Kaja Foglio
He had heard the stories about the castle, of course, but had assumed they were exaggerated. This had proven to be hubris on his part and the reality would have been challenging enough, even had he been fully fit and dressed. As it was, he was injured, practically naked, and depressed because he was about to die. He had always planned to die while ranting atop a tower or something—he had a very nice outfit all designed for the occasion and everything—and now all that effort would be wasted. Plus, he was worried that his mind might not be as properly focused as it should be.
But it would all be irrelevant anyway, at least to those people who wouldn’t have to scrub his remains off of the floor, because now he was going rather numb and his hands were starting to slip and it was getting awfully cold and…
“Tarvek!” That was Agatha’s voice. That opened another steamer trunk full of regrets… “Tarvek! Get ready to let go!”
Let go? Was she insane?
A bright red dot of light blinked into existence on the floor in front off them. The steam cat tensed. The dot wavered and then skittered off across the floor. With a roar, the creature leapt after it.
Instead of letting go, Tarvek reflexively gripped harder and then realized his error as he saw the dot dancing merrily upon the jammed door.
He screamed as the steam cat plowed through the ancient wood like a battering ram and slammed into the opposite wall. It shook itself and spun about just as Agatha stumbled through the shattered door after it. “Castle! Can you hear me? Destroy it! Now!”
“Of course, my Lady.” The Castle’s voice was nearly drowned out by Tarvek screaming her name in panic and she quickly added:
“And don’t hurt the person on its back!”
“Of course not.” As the Castle spoke, parts of the floor rose up and crushed the clank with a squeal of metal and a shower of sparks. The crushed mechanism clattered over, sending Tarvek rolling to land Agatha’s feet.
“Amazing,” he breathed, staggering as he tried to stand. He felt a bit dazed. “And…and I’m completely unhurt!”
A thrown boot—the mate to the one on his left foot—smashed into his face. “Are you done?” Violetta shrieked. “Are you finished?” She strode over to Tarvek, who was dazedly trying to determine where the stars that drifted across his field of vision belonged on the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram. “No, wait, you can’t be! You’re still alive!”
Tarvek focused on her. “You know, I really hate you,” he muttered.
“You hate me? How dare you!” Violetta began kicking the prone man in the head. “Feel my hate! Feel it!” Tarvek rolled over and feebly waved his hands in a parody of self-defense. “You aren’t allowed to commit suicide,” Violetta continued. “Only I must kill you!”
Agatha watched this with strong mixed feelings.
Since she had first met him in Sturmhalten, Tarvek had both supported and betrayed her in such quick alternating succession that she was unable to decide what she really felt for him. At the moment, impatience was winning out.
“Stop it!” Agatha’s yell froze both combatants. “What is wrong with you two?”
Violetta grabbed Tarvek’s hair and yanked his head up. “I’m responsible for this slug’s continued existence.”
Tarvek painfully pulled himself free from her grip. “And this useless nitwit is my loyal servant!” So saying, he delivered a sock to her sternum, causing Violetta to gasp.
Moloch strolled out the door and cocked an eyebrow. “Are you sure the two of you aren’t married?”
Violetta looked like she was about to be violently sick. “Oh, eewww!”
Agatha turned to Tarvek, who was fastidiously fashioning an elegant toga. “This is loyal?”
Tarvek tucked in the final fold and bent to put on his boot. “It’s not like she has a lot of choice. She’s my cousin. Her branch of the family has served mine for generations. She’s been trained since birth.”
“And I hate it!” Violetta declared. “I’m awful at it! I’m so bad at it that I got posted way out here, where all I had to do was play secretary to the local Burgermeister! It was easy! He’s such a fool that I still can’t believe he’s running this dump!”
She turned back to Tarvek, who flinched. “And then this fool gets captured! ‘So what?’ says me. ‘Not my problem.’ Wrong! ’cause the moron they have positioned in the hospital gets herself killed while trying to off the Baron—and suddenly it’s my job to drag the Royal Pain here out of the fire!”
By now, Violetta was punctuating her words by thumping Tarvek on the head with one fist.
“Not! My! Fault!” he wailed.
She gave Tarvek’s head another smack. “Shut up!” She looked to Agatha with eyes full of weariness. “And then we’re being chased by Wulfenbach troops and our own people and everyone’s shooting to kill and there’s nowhere to go, thanks to those flaming gargoyles, so Bright Boy here, he says,” Violetta mimicked Tarvek’s voice with the skill of long practice, “‘We’ll head for the Castle! They won’t chase us in there!’”
“Wait.” Moloch looked confused. “He wanted to come in here to be safe?”
Violetta grabbed Moloch’s shirt and looked at him imploringly. “Yes! Now do you understand what I have to work with?”
“But why did you listen to him?”
“I panicked! I told you, I’m not very good at this!”
Moloch surprised her by gently patting her on the shoulder. “You’re not dead. In here, that counts for a lot.”
Agatha was eyeing Tarvek with an unnerving glare. “I want to know what all of these agents of yours were doing in my town.” A thought struck her. “Flaming gargoyles… That pink airship! That pink tart! They’re yours?”
Tarvek rolled his eyes. “The pink thing was not my idea.”
Agatha grabbed the front of Tarvek’s toga and leaned in. Her voice took on a dangerous harmonic. “This is all your fault?”
Agatha’s eyes were only inches from his, and it was obvious she was furious. Tarvek’s voice rose to match hers: “No! It’s yours!”
She shook him so hard his teeth rattled. “You’re trying to take over my town and it’s my fault?” Suddenly, a cold metal blade was gently touching her throat.
“Okay, you, back way off,” Violetta said from behind.
“My Lady?” The Castle waited for instructions.
“Alive and unharmed,” Agatha said to the air.
A set of iron rods slammed up from the floor and Violetta suddenly found herself in a very tight cage. It was difficult to breathe. “As you wish, Mistress,” the Castle said conversationally.
Agatha continued to glare into Tarvek’s eyes. “Now. You. Talk.”
Tarvek took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m sorry. It’s not exactly your fault, but it is happening because you showed up. Yes, there was a plot to install a false Heterodyne girl. My father and his people have been working on it for a long time.” He sighed. “They were nowhere near ready.” He looked thoughtful. “I guess between your performance over Sturmhalten and the Baron’s injuries, it must have seemed too good an opportunity to pass up.”
Agatha snorted. “Did they really think that the Baron’s son would do nothing?”
Now Tarvek was angry. “I didn’t say they weren’t idiots! I didn’t tell them to go ahead. We know nothing about this son of the Baron’s! I’ve never met him! No one has!” He paused. “Actually, from what you told us at dinner back in Sturmhalten, it sounds like you know more about him than anyone else in Europa.”
Agatha sighed. Her initial anger had mostly passed, but she was still far from pleased. “He’s a bossy, violent idiot who thinks he knows what’s best for everyone, even though he can’t even keep himself in one piece.” She gave Tarvek a pointed look. “You’ll like him.”
Gil was peering between two shutters onto the busy street below. The crowd was dispersing and he was relieved to see that his father’s troops were letting them go.
“Get away from that window, you fool!”
&nbs
p; Gil closed the shutters and grinned. He had been astonished to see two of his dearest friends, Theopholous DuMedd and Sleipnir O’Hara, appear out of nowhere in the streets of Mechanicsburg.
Theo and Sleipnir were two of the students that Gilgamesh had grown up with aboard Castle Wulfenbach,52 and they had fled, along with several other of Gil’s acquaintances, during the chaos that had attended Agatha’s own escape.
They had used an invisibility device he had given them back on Castle Wulfenbach to whisk him out from under Captain Vole’s nose, leaving his new group of friends behind. Ha. Friends…he had his doubts about that cat…
“Well, excuse me for being concerned. There are people I know down there.”
Theo paused, a bottle tipped upwards. He caught himself just before the drink he was pouring sloshed over the edge of his glass. “Anyone you want us to go get?”
Sleipnir looked up from the device she was tinkering with. “It wouldn’t be any trouble. We can get at least another hour’s use out of your little invisibility lamp dingus here.”
“It’s not a lamp.” Gil’s reply was almost automatic by now. Why did everyone think it was a lamp?53 “No. Leave them be,” he answered. “They’d only insist on coming along, and I don’t want to take anyone into the Castle who doesn’t deserve it.”
Sleipnir tossed a screwdriver at him without rancor. “Nice.”
Gil snatched it out of the air and threw it back. “I am not taking you in with me.”
Sleipnir caught it and slid it back into the loop on her belt. “Of course you are.” Gil opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off. “And the last time you won an argument with me was…?”
Gil frowned, and changed the subject. “What are the two of you even doing here? Theo, you said you were going to search for your father’s lost laboratory.”
Theo looked uncomfortable and sipped at his drink. “Well…I still am. I mean, I will. We have some map fragments and I’m pretty close to cracking the cipher he used in his journal.”
Sleipnir spoke up, “And I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of where the Eye of the Snake Eater is hidden.”54
“But,” Theo admitted, “I did promise Agatha that I’d catch up with her here.”
Gil looked at Theo. “You promised Agatha…but why didn’t you tell me that before you left?”
Theo and Sleipnir looked at each other. Then Sleipnir turned back to him. “I’m sorry, Gil. It was…well…it was because we didn’t entirely trust you.”
The awkward moment stretched out until Gil shrugged and turned away. “Can’t blame you, I guess. You hadn’t seen me in years and I suppose it was a bit of a shock, finding out who I really am.”
Sleipnir snorted. “You think?”
Gil smiled mirthlessly. “If we’re talking about trust, I guess I felt more betrayed than you did because I never got any mail.” He raised a preemptive hand. “I’m still trying to find out what that was all about. But…I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. Really sorry, it would’ve been…nice to tell someone about it,” he admitted. “Anyway, you were right. I probably would have made things worse. Agatha didn’t trust me either.”
Everyone was silent for a moment. Then Theo stepped forward and put his hand on Gil’s arm. “For what it’s worth,” he said quietly, “I trust you now.”
Gil looked surprised. “Oh?”
Theo gestured towards the street below. “I was standing right behind you when the soldiers found you. I listened. You really do want to help her. Out there? You sounded just like the Gil I grew up with.”
“I’m not,” Gil said flatly. “Too many things have changed. I’ll never be that person again.” He smiled and punched Theo in the arm. “But I can remember the important bits.”
With that, it was like a switch had been thrown and the tension drained from the room. Minutes later, they were lounging about the room’s settees, drinks in hand. Gil had protested but Theo had pointed out that they couldn’t really do anything until the streets were clear of Wulfenbach soldiers.
Sleipnir leaned forward. “So Agatha is in the Castle and the Baron is going to destroy it. Why?”
Gil paused. “Because he thinks Agatha is the Other.”
Both Theo and Sleipnir looked horrified. “Is she?”
“No!” Gil paused. “Well, yes. Sometimes…” He saw the two of them staring at him. “She’s…possessed.”
Sleipnir stared at him for another second, and then deliberately put her drink down. “Possessed.”
Gil spent several minutes bringing them up to speed. He sighed as he finished. “I know it sounds crazy! It is crazy! But the important point is that if it’s true, it’s not actually Agatha who’s the problem, and that means that there’s got to be something I can do to save her!”
Sleipnir folded her arms together. “And if you can’t?”
Gil drained his glass and slammed it down onto the table. “Then I’ll take care of her myself. But, unlike my father, I’m willing to give her a chance.”
Sleipnir and Theo glanced at each other and suddenly grinned. They turned back. “Listen to you!” Sleipnir snagged the bottle and poured Gil another drink. “That’s why we can trust you.”
Gil stared at them and suddenly slumped back into his seat. “I am so glad to see you guys again. My head is spinning. I…” He suddenly examined the drink in his hand. “What am I drinking?”
Theo grinned. “I cooked it up myself! It’s a new recipe!”
Gil looked alarmed. “And you let me drink this?”
Sleipnir shrugged. “It’s great. It helps you open up. Express your inner thoughts. In vino veritas and all that.”
Gil frowned “Yessss… that sounds like one of Theo’s. I remember his ‘Electrical Acid Two Hundred Proof Jolly Sugar Doom.’” He carefully put his glass down.
Theo looked offended. “This from a guy who once concocted an aperitif from toothpaste and hedgehogs.”
“They’re still selling that,” Gil said breezily. He caught himself. “Oh dear, it’s still building, isn’t it?”
Theo pulled out a pocket watch. “Relax, you just had the one, yes?”
Gil racked his brain. “I…I can’t remember.”
Theo waved a hand. “If you’d had more than one, then by now you’d be weeping maudlin tears over all those hedgehogs.”
“Poor little hedgehogs,” Gil whispered. Then he shook himself. “Yeah, that would be bad.” He looked at them. “What were we talking about?”
Sleipnir smiled. “About how we were going to storm the Castle?”
Gil’s head tipped back and he closed his eyes. “Riiight. Right, right, right. That’s gonna be tricky. I should pick up some tools and… stuff. Tool stuff.” He glanced at a clock on the mantle. “But it’s late. All’a shops’ll be closed.” He turned to the two of them “Gunna have to build a mechanical shoplifter.” A tear welled up in his eye and dripped off his nose. “Gunna be a criminal.” His head lolled until he was looking at Sleipnir. “Agatha’s not like you. She’s not gunna wanna be in love with a criminal.”
Sleipnir snorted. “It is an acquired taste.”
Theo rolled his eyes. “Relax. Tools we have. We’ve been outfitting for an expedition, remember?”
Gil visibly brightened. “Excellent! Give ’em here!”
Sleipnir pushed him back into his seat. “Nuh-uh. We’ll carry the supplies.”
Gil frowned. “Why?”
“Because if we give them to you, you’ll try to leave us outside.”
Gil slumped back again. “Curses,” he mumbled. “Another brilliant plan, foiled.”
Sleipnir smiled serenely. “If you try to steal them, I’ll have to fight you.”
Gil recoiled. “No! You fight dirty!”
“A base canard.”
Theo hiccupped and clapped his hands together. “I think we’re as ready as we’re going to get! Let’s move out!”
A short time later, two Wulfenbach troopers were leaning on a balustrade outside one of Ca
stle Heterodyne’s smaller gates. There were troops at every entrance now. The Baron had acknowledged that it was unlikely that there were any more Heterodyne claimants waiting to push their way into the ancient deathtrap, but one never knew. At least with any luck, they’d be able to catch one of the ones already inside on her way out.
There had certainly been some excitement earlier in the evening when the Torchmen had activated and launched skyward, but since they seemed to have no interest in anyone on the ground, the troops had eventually relaxed and were gazing upwards, enjoying the show.
Castle Wulfenbach and its attendant flotilla had managed to outrun the Torchmen. Several smaller ships had fallen to Earth, some in more control than others, and at least a dozen more had successfully managed to contain the fires.
The Torchmen themselves had circled the town three times and even now the last of them were drifting back to their posts like flaming snowflakes. Every now and then, one of the aged mechanisms suddenly seized up and plummeted to the ground. At least two fires were burning, one in a small shop right below the troopers’ post. Even as the two men watched, one of the great metal fire-fighting dragons of Mechanicsburg lumbered around a corner. The driver waddled the thing up close to the fire and the crew leapt off. They unreeled the canvas hose hidden in the tail and dragged it to the nearest of the many canals that wove through the city.
Then they signaled the driver. With a roar, pumps started, the metal neck swung up, and the mouth spat a highly pressurized stream of water. The attendant crowd cheered.
The two guards nodded in professional appreciation and returned their gaze to the returning Torchmen.
“The Castle is still flyin’,” the younger guard said with evident relief.
“Yup.” The older man said. “And those flaming things are coming back home.”
The younger guard thought about this. “Um…But we’re still here… so who won?”
The older one clapped him on the shoulder. “Charge your gun and live in the moment, kid.”
A murmur caught their attention. Three people were climbing up the stairway, a touch unsteadily. The older soldier instantly identified them as a bunch of tipsy kids. This wouldn’t be the first batch of revelers to have climbed up the Castle stairs for a better look.