by Kaja Foglio
“Look,” the kid in the lead said with exaggerated reasonableness. “You really don’t have to come in. You just give me all the equipment, and—”
“No way,” said a second young man. “This is our stuff. We collected it for our trip. If we give it to you, you’ll just break it or use it to build twisted mockeries of science. Probably both.”
“Yeah,” the girl with them chimed in. “No way we’re going to let you have all that fun without us.”
The old soldier sighed. Wannabe Sparks.55 There were a lot of them in Mechanicsburg. Time to send them packing.
“Halt!”
The group stumbled into each other at the top of the stairs. The old soldier was struck by the fact that they didn’t look startled or even particularly guilty. This was ridiculous. Students were always guilty of something.
The lead fellow nudged his companion and murmured, “Here we go.” Then he stood straight and bellowed, “Know that I—!”
“Wait!” The other one frantically tugged at the speaker’s sleeve. The girl leaned in as well. “We forgot the crowd!”
The loud kid deflated and turned to them with a look of incredulity upon his face. “You are kidding me.” He looked around and saw nothing but the two stolid soldiers. “I didn’t think I could go three meters in this town without attracting a crowd.” He waved at the soldiers and called out: “Hold on, we’ll be right back!” Then the three of them clattered noisily back down the stairs.
The two soldiers waited for the regulation minute and then lowered their rifles. The older soldier turned to his companion. “See? That’s what college’ll do to you. Now go brew us up a mug.”
Gil and Theo tried to ignore Sleipnir’s giggles as they all clumped down the stairs. “Maybe we could just leave a note,” she suggested.
“No!” Gil was emphatic. A part of his brain noted with relief that the fresh air seemed to be clearing the last of Theo’s concoction from his head. “We need a crowd. A big crowd. They’ve got to see us going in.” He rolled his eyes. “What’s driving me crazy is that I had a crowd, and I let them get away.”
Theo dramatically placed a hand to his forehead. “Ah, the fickleness of the mob. Their love, once gone, is gone forever. You are a has-been, my friend. Yesterday’s news.”
Sleipnir waited until Theo wound down. “We’ll just have to build a new crowd.”
Gil stopped dead on the stairs. “That would take weeks!”
Theo nodded, “And the graveyard is all the way across town.”
Sleipnir nodded. “Stand a little closer so I can slap the two of you at once.” With the ease of practice, the two stepped away from each other. “I mean,” she continued, “that we have to do something exciting to get people’s attention!”
Theo nodded. “Oh. Yeah, that would work, too.”
They reached the bottom of the stairs, and Gil turned towards the tourist district. “Let’s go.”
They soon found that there were lots of people on the streets already—many of them drinking.
Theo looked around. “Standing out in this is going to be tough,” he admitted.
Suddenly a familiar voice rang out. “There you are!”
Gil turned and saw Zeetha, a half-eaten honey-glazed “trilobiteon-a-stick” in her hand. Behind her stood Krosp and a bemused Airman Higgs, still cradling Gil’s hat. “We knew you’d wander out here eventually. Still planning on going into the Castle?”
Gil nodded. “Yesss. But first we need a good fight.”
Theo looked surprised, then nodded. “Oh. Yes, that would do it.”
Zeetha’s face went blank. Gil took a large step back and leveled a stern finger at her. “That’s right, you brazen hussy!” he roared. A few of the people in the surrounding crowd turned towards them. “I, Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, will enter Castle Heterodyne! And if you try to stop me, I will fight you in a suitably noisy and crowd-gathering manner! Let all who gather see that I—Gilgamesh Wulfenbach—will defend the Heterodyne girl with my life!”
Zeetha’s trilobite dripped honey onto her hand. “What?”
Gil opened his eyes wide and stared at her pointedly—willing her to play along. “No one will keep me from her side! She is my chosen bride and any who harm her will answer to me!” Gil stopped. “Whoa, did I really just say that?”
Theo nodded. “Yes.”
Sleipnir nodded.
Zeetha stared at him.
Gil waved his hands. “Okay, nobody heard that.”
“I heard it,” Krosp said.
Zeetha stared at Krosp.
Gil gave up. “O-ho! So your vile cat slanders my good name! Now we must fight!!”
The crowd held its breath. Zeetha opened her mouth wider than one would have thought possible and stuffed the rest of the trilobite inside. She then spat the clean stick at Gil’s feet and grinned. “You are such a dork. Fine. You want to get into the Castle?”
There was a shining blur and her swords were in her hands, glinting in the lights. The crowd moved back quickly and a clear space opened around the combatants. “I am going to kick your butt, hogtie you, and drag you to Agatha myself. She could probably use a good laugh right now.”
Gil held a hand up and Sleipnir tossed an odd-looking tube weapon into it. Zeetha’s eyes narrowed. Gil spoke to her, more quietly now. “I have a better idea. We’ll fight, I’ll win, and you’ll stay safely outside.”
The tube weapon began to whirr as it warmed up.
“Agatha will be mad at me if I let her friends get hurt. So come on! We’ve got to make it an entertaining fight!” His voice rose to a theatrical shout again and he looked comically alarmed. “Oooh. Swords! You’re gonna beat me up? I’m scared!”
He aimed up overhead and pulled a trigger. In a lightning-fast series of soft explosions, he emptied the weapon towards the sky. “Scared it’ll be over too soon, that is.”
Zeetha had leapt back from the flash of heat from the weapon’s muzzle. “Whoa! Hey! Watch where you’re pointing the death ray, Madboy!” she yelled. “What exactly is your idea of ‘safe’?”
Fireworks exploded overhead. Gil tossed the shooter away. “Ooh. The mean ol’ swordswoman is afraid of a little boom!” he mocked. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t trying to hit you. I just wanted people to know there was a show.”
Zeetha stared into the sky. “Whoo! Good job!” she sneered. “You found a target even you couldn’t miss!”
“Kind of like your big mouth!” Gil returned. He flipped over the next device that was handed to him and turned a crank, ejecting a stream of what appeared to be forks. He raised his voice. “Now—face the terror of my hand-cranked runcible gun!”
Zeetha was having fun. Her swords moved in a swirling pattern—and she smirked as Gil found himself dodging his own forks. “Ha! Pathetic! Better a big mouth than a big empty space where my brain should be! Nyeah!”
“Oh, that’s really mature—ow!” Gil shouted. He spun and weaved, but when he tossed aside the weapon and faced Zeetha he realized that she was nowhere to be seen. There were just Krosp and Higgs, standing there, gazing upwards wide-eyed. Gil threw himself backwards so that Zeetha’s boots barely missed his head. He continued rolling, avoiding her kicks and lunges, until he doubled back and she sailed past him, giving him enough time to slap a small device onto her back.
Zeetha froze and then frantically tried to reach the small of her back. “What is that?”
“Nothing serious,” Gil said, “Just one of Dr. Prometheus Bunbury’s ‘Jolly Fun Oxidation Enhancers.’ You can buy ’em in any novelty store in Paris. Unless you toss aside those swords, in five seconds, they’re going to go ‘poof’!”
Zeetha glared at him and tossed her swords straight up into the air, where they spun in two glittering arcs. There was indeed a ‘Thoof’ sound, and Zeetha’s clothing disintegrated in a small cloud of dust, fibers, and metal bits that clattered to the ground. The crowd “oooohed” appreciatively. Zeetha’s swords dropped into her outstretched hands.
; Gil’s face went scarlet. “…Unless I used the ‘Wacky Weave Destabilizer’ instead, which is possible, since they all look quite similar…but!” He rallied quickly. “Well—um—well, now we’re even. I guess you’re staying behind after all. You can’t go into the Castle like that! A pity the fight was so short, but—” Zeetha’s foot caught him in the side of the head and he slammed into the pavement.
She stood over him laughing. “The Warriors of the Double Guard always train naked, little boy.” She glanced about, “Besides, you wanted a crowd? You’ll get a crowd.” She waved to a group of soldiers, who responded with enthusiastic whistles.
“Not that kind of crowd!” Gil snarled.
Zeetha laughed and kicked him again, sending him sprawling, to the crowd’s delight. “To an entertainer, there’s no such thing as a bad audience.” She sashayed towards him. “Besides what kind of Spark are you if you let something like this distract you?”
“The kind of Spark that lets other people get distracted.”
Without thinking, Zeetha somersaulted backwards, which was why the cage produced by the little device Gil had slid towards her feet snapped shut on empty air.
Gil stared at her in admiration. “You’re fast, I’ll give you that…” A movement at the corner of his eye was all the warning he had. He dodged to one side and again the cage closed on nothing. As he scrambled back, Gil saw that the device had raised itself on a number of thin, spider-like legs. I don’t remember building those, he thought worriedly. In his effort to escape, he ran into something soft.
“What is that thing?” Zeetha demanded.
“Well… It’s a sort of automatic cage-trap…thing. It was supposed to pop up and grab you.”
The device had seen the two of them, and now trundled towards them. “I based it on those little things that Agatha makes,” Gil admitted. “But something seems a bit off.”
The cage mechanism snapped out at the two of them. If they hadn’t moved quickly, it would have trapped them both.
Gil looked down at it from the wall on which he perched. “Interesting. I guess it’ll just keep going until it catches something.”
“Idiot!” Zeetha smacked the back of his head and pointed. “You mean it could try to grab someone in the crowd?”
The device had been staring upwards at the two of them but at Zeetha’s words, it paused, wheeled around and regarded the staring crowd. Its cage mechanism flexed and it moved off towards them.
Gil smacked the back of Zeetha’s head. “Yeah, maybe.” He stood and yelled at the crowd. “Don’t let it get too close!” Unfortunately, the crowd had solidified nicely and things were so entertaining that they were loath to leave.
“Great!” Zeetha leapt towards it, “Can we stop it?”
“It should be easy,” Gil said. Zeetha sliced through the clank’s thin metal arms, then had to leap backwards as several dozen more unfolded and reached for her. Her next swipe cut halfway through one of the thin rods and stuck. She frantically tugged it free a half-second before she would have been trapped. The crowd applauded.
Gil stared. “It’s…it’s learning.”
Krosp spoke up. “Yeah, Agatha’s do that, too. Well done.” Another set of arms unfolded. Several of these were equipped with tips that resembled policemen’s sword-breakers. Zeetha swore and dodged a concerted attack by no less than five of them at once. The crowd cheered.
Gil turned towards Theo and Sleipnir. “A little help here?”
Their eyes lit up. “Really?”
Sleipnir pulled a large sack open and began tossing out devices. “I thought you’d never ask!”
Gil felt a sense of dread as he dodged a series of arms equipped with clasping pinchers.
Theo brandished a device with glowing orange lights. “I’ll separate the crowd from the thing with my Stalagmite Gun!” He pulled the trigger and swept the resulting beam across the street. Wherever it touched, cobblestones melted and erupted upward into superheated glowing spikes, causing the crowd to shriek.
Sleipnir took a deep breath. She had a large oily bag festooned with glowing rods and pipes that began to pour out an acrid smoke. “And I’ll get that beastie with my Hot Pipes!” She blew into a mouthpiece, spitting out an earsplitting shriek along with a thin stream of brilliant green flame. This enveloped a set of the device’s arms, covering them with a sticky, burning coating.
Krosp took in the resulting chaos. “Great. Now the crowd is hemmed in by the stalagmites while the flaming clank advances.”
Theo and Sleipnir looked abashed. “We can fix that,” Theo assured the cat.
Zeetha dodged a set of metal hooks. “They are trying to help, yes?”
Gil sighed. “It’s my fault, really. I make it look easy.”
Another set of manipulators burst forth. “How many arms did you build into this thing?”
“It’s making more,” Gil told her.
“Hi! Are you a tramp?”
While they were chopping arms, neither one of them had noticed that a small girl had wandered up to them. She was obviously fascinated by Zeetha. “Mama says you must be a tramp ’cause of the way you’re dressed.” Zeetha frantically swiped away a set of arms that were reaching for the girl. “Either that, or you’re an actress.” The girl turned to Krosp. “You’re a kitty.”
Krosp grabbed the girl and swung her away from a large grasping hand. “Do you like cheese?” she asked.
“Hey!” Krosp yelled at Gil. “Prince Myshkin! This thing just wants to catch someone, right?”
“Yes!”
“Would it hurt them?”
“No!”
Krosp smiled. “Fine. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to get involved, but if I don’t, we’ll be stuck here all night.”
Gil looked alarmed. “Krosp, wait! Don’t do anything dangerous!”
“Relax. I’ll be fine.” The cat shoved the little girl directly into the grasp of the device. Instantly it formed a cage. There was a “pop” and a small burst of confetti, followed by a few bars of victorious music. Then the clank stood still.
The girl’s eyes went wide with delight. “MOMMA!” she squealed, “I’M INNA SHOW!”
The audience cheered.
Zeetha grabbed the cat by the scruff of his neck. “Krosp!”
“What? No one got hurt!” This was so evidently true that Zeetha could only glare.
Gil smiled charmingly as the little girl’s mother strode forward. “Don’t worry, ma’am, she’s—oof!” He gasped as the woman sank her fist into his stomach.
“Hyu peeg!” the woman hissed. “Get her out, now!”
Krosp shrugged. “Well, no one important.” He eyed the surrounding sea of faces. “So, showbiz girl, big enough crowd?”
“Yeah.” Zeetha graciously accepted a robe from an admiring monk, who was having serious second thoughts about his current lifestyle choices, and donned it to a wave of collective disappointment. “This should be good.”
Meanwhile, Sleipnir had twisted back enough of the bars that the little girl could wriggle free. “There you go, kid.”
The girl twirled and curtsied at Gil. “Thanks! So long, funny man.”
Gil gave a wan smile. “So lo—gooorgh!” Another sock to the gut caused him to drop to his knees.
“Hyu bad man,” the woman hissed. “Hyu no talk to my leedle gurl.”
Theo helped Gil to his feet. “Wow. Still the ladies’ man.”
“Will you give it a rest,” Gil snarled. He looked around at the crowd and nodded. “Okay, I’m ready to speak.”
Krosp and Zeetha glanced at each other. “Maybe you should let someone introduce you.”
Zeetha nodded. “Yeah. On your own, you’re too—”
Gil impatiently waved them off. “I can introduce myself.” He turned to the crowd. “People of Mechanicsburg,” he shouted. “I suppose you’re wondering what this is all about?”
Actually, everyone in the crowd was already pretty sure. A shower of coins hit the ground around Gil’s feet
.
Gil waved his arms. “No! No! This isn’t a show! I’m serious!”
The audience laughed. One wag called out, “So what’s your name, kid?”
Krosp rubbed his forehead with his paw. “I knew we should’ve introduced him,” he muttered.
Gil squared his shoulders. “I am Gilgamesh Wulfenbach. I’m the Baron’s son.”
The crowd stared at him. Then erupted with howls of laughter. The wag pointed to Krosp. “I get it! And that’s the Baron’s dog, isn’t it?”
“And she’s the Baron’s daughter!” Zeetha’s face went red.
“And those are your oafish minions!” Theo and Sleipnir looked around until they realized where the crowd was pointing.
“And you must also be the gol-danged Storm King!” The sight of Gil’s face sent the crowd into such peals of laughter that many of them collapsed to the ground.
“What’ll we do?” Zeetha hissed. “He’s going to kill them.”
Suddenly Gil threw his head back and laughed. Krosp and Zeetha jumped. “That’s right, folks!”
Then Gil, lightning stick glowing, started back up the stairway to the castle entrance. “So follow me! The second act is just about to start!” And with that, he turned and bounded up the stairs.
Theo and Sleipnir looked at each other. “Uh-oh.”
They rushed over to Krosp and Zeetha just as Airman Higgs ambled up. “Nice moves,” he remarked to Zeetha.
For some reason, the realization that the airman had seen the whole performance—including her state of undress—caused Zeetha to blush furiously. That he had so little to say about it only annoyed her further. “Come on,” she said brusquely. “We can’t let him get too far ahead.”
The two soldiers guarding the castle gate were gazing skyward again. Gil’s fireworks display had died down but they were still hopeful and it provided a convenient hook for another of the old soldier’s recollections. “And that was the last time Professor Phosphorous visited the fireworks factory.” He thought for a moment. “Or anything else, really.”