Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

by Kaja Foglio

  “Weren’t you listening?” Von Zinzer asked. “It’d kill both of them.”

  “Yeah?” Violetta didn’t seem too worried. “Well, I guess it would be kind of a shame about Mister Gil, there.”

  Tarvek tried to sit up and only slammed his head against the restraints. “Good Lord. She hooked me up with him? What did she do? Knock him on the head?”

  Von Zinzer frowned. “It was his idea.”

  Tarvek blinked.

  Violetta nodded. “Yeah. He insisted. That’s when we knew he was crazy.”

  Tarvek looked appalled. “But…but that makes no sense. He hates me! He’s always hated me!”

  Violetta shrugged. “Hey, I didn’t say he was smart.”

  “And…and what’s he even doing here, anyway? The Baron’s son was the one who entered…” Tarvek’s eyes went wide with shock. He stared at the ceiling for a moment; then his head sagged back against the slab. He shut his eyes and winced as if he were in pain.

  “Oh. Of course. He’s really Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, isn’t he?”

  Violetta clapped her hands to her cheeks and squealed. “Oh, wow! She’s right! This thing really is working! You already sound smarter!”

  Tarvek glared at her. “You knew?”

  The real venom in his eyes caused Violetta to step back. “Well… yeah.” She glanced at von Zinzer uncertainly. “Who was I supposed to think he was?”

  “Gilgamesh Holzfäller! A conniving, backstabbing, amoral weasel, that’s who! I can’t believe he tricked me again!”

  “Oh, yeah. I remember. You knew him in Paris.”

  “Paris? He’s the one who got me sent home from Castle Wulfenbach!”

  Violetta rolled her eyes. “Tarvek, they found you in one of the Baron’s top-secret security vaults. You were caught red-handed.”

  “Yes, and who do you think got me in there? When I was first sent to Castle Wulfenbach, Gil was already there. He was a total nobody. He had no family. No friends. No nothing. The people on the Castle ignored him, when they weren’t bullying him.

  “Well, I thought he might be useful. He seemed pathetically grateful for any kindness, and one can always use people like that…I thought I’d make him my lackey. But he was brilliant—and he was always coming up with really fun ideas.”

  Tarvek made a disgusted sound. “I actually liked him. I thought we were good friends.” He glanced at von Zinzer. “I’d never really had any of those, before.”

  He continued. “And then, one day he told me that he had found out where the Baron kept the family records for all of the students aboard Castle Wulfenbach—”

  Violetta interrupted. “Whoa. Hold on. You’re telling me that you knew this guy by name on Castle Wulfenbach, and it never occurred to you that this guy, with the same name, might be the mystery son the Baron had been hiding all these years?” She smacked him on the side of the head. “Idiot!”

  Tarvek flinched. “No! Well, yes, okay, I am an idiot; I’ll give you that. But…We broke into the vault. We found Gil’s family records.”

  Tarvek sighed. “You have to understand. On Castle Wulfenbach… in the schoolroom…lineage was a big deal to us. It was one of the major things we students used to torment each other.

  “Gil was at the bottom of the pecking order because nobody knew who his people were. The other kids thought he was just ashamed, but he honestly didn’t know anything.

  “We figured out how to crack the security on the vault. He was desperate to get in and search. Not knowing was terrible for him. He had all kinds of wild ideas about what we’d find: that he’d turn out to be a lost Heterodyne, or—heh—the Storm King, or a…a Martian Prince or something. Anything.”

  Tarvek slumped and was silent for a moment. “I was secretly hoping we’d turn out to be related.”

  More silence.

  When he continued, he spoke slowly. “Unfortunately, that was not what we found. The records showed that Gil’s father had indeed been a Spark, but he was one of those rustic buffoons you hear about in bad jokes and tavern songs.

  “The creature he constructed from farm machinery and pork products terrorized a small village for the two hours it took the Baron’s men to hear about it, show up, and blow it apart. Unfortunately, by that time, the creator and his family had already fallen victim to the thing’s built-in sausage maker.

  “All, that is, except for the late Spark’s infant son; Gil. As there was no other family, the Baron placed him with the other children aboard Castle Wulfenbach.

  “Well, he wasn’t the only one on the Castle like that, but until then, even the kid whose father built the Perpetual Molasses Fountain ranked higher than Gil, who didn’t even know.81

  “Even so, Gil was devastated. I tried to stop him, but he ran off in tears.”

  Tarvek paused again.

  “Now, the thing was…the Spark with the sausage monster? We’d all heard that story…”

  Von Zinzer interrupted, “They still tell it, back where I come from.”

  “I’m not surprised. But I’d never heard about there being a son… and I didn’t believe it for a moment.”

  Violetta was slowly nodding in agreement.

  “You don’t last long in our family unless you’ve got a good nose for intrigue,” Tarvek said. “I’ve never had the luxury of believing everything I read.

  “The story was perfect. All the details were right. There were secondary reports that confirmed everything and orphaned children of careless Sparks were taken in by the Baron all of the time. But…” Tarvek shook his head. “But they were usually placed with trusted vassal families—people who knew to watch them carefully—in case they exhibited signs of the Spark themselves. Gil, on the other hand, was already aboard Castle Wulfenbach. Was already being educated along with future rulers and the children of powerful Sparks. Why? Why did Wulfenbach think he warranted such close supervision?

  “I started to dig further, but I got caught. Gil had been caught, too. His running off blindly like that is probably what got us both caught. When I was dragged before the Baron, Gil was already there. He looked awful. It was obvious that the Baron had told him something that had shaken him to his core.

  “The minute I had the chance, I tried to reassure him. I told him that I thought the story we’d found was a fake. That I was determined to get to the truth about him, no matter what.

  “I was just trying to make him feel better, but I’ll never forget the hatred in the look he shot me. I didn’t understand. What had I said?”

  Tarvek closed his eyes, exhausted. Several seconds passed in silence. “Well, I never found out, but now I can guess. That must have been when the Baron told him the truth. He probably also warned him that I was a person that couldn’t be trusted. That was true enough too, really…or that I would try to unearth his real identity.”

  Tarvek gave a humorless chuckle. “And then I immediately went and told him that was exactly what I was going to do.”

  “The Baron accused me of spying for my family. I denied it, of course. And then Gil betrayed me. He told the Baron to look behind the light fixture in my room. He knew that I had a cache of notes there. He had helped me put it there. He’d even helped me install the secret compartment. The Baron found everything and I was shipped home the next day.”

  Von Zinzer looked puzzled. “Wait—so you really were spying?”

  Tarvek snorted. “Of course I was spying. All of us were spying! In retrospect, it’s obvious that we were being fed tailored information. Things that the Baron wanted our families to know.”

  Tarvek smiled. “We all thought we were so clever because no one ever got caught. He just didn’t want us to get caught.

  “But I did get caught, and everybody knew it. So I was made the Object Lesson. I was the only one who ever got sent back home.” Tarvek closed his eyes. “It was so unfair.”

  “But…” von Zinzer really looked confused now. “But I thought all those kids on the Castle were there as hostages—to keep their families
in line. Weren’t you glad to go home?”

  Tarvek shrugged. “Leaving aside the fact that the only way to keep my family in line would be to bury them in a row, Castle Wulfenbach was the place to be. The Baron was collecting and educating us as the future rulers of Europa. We had access to teachers, diplomats, scientists, and adventurers from all over the Empire—all over the World. It was the center of the universe. To get sent away from all that—not to mention back to Sturmhalten and my father’s obsessive work—was the worst punishment ever.

  “To me, it made no sense. It was too harsh. I thought the Baron had to be hiding something. Eventually, trying to find out what became a sort of hobby. And years later, I found it. I discovered why the Baron had overreacted.

  “My research revealed that ‘Gilgamesh Holzfäller’ was the son of Petrus Teufel, Leader of the Black Mist Raiders.”

  Von Zinzer and Violetta gasped. Tarvek smiled. “See? Of course his family was kept secret. Every power in Europa would have cause to kill him. Only the Other has caused more fear, death, and devastation. Teufel was a Spark so strong that even Wulfenbach had trouble taking him down.82

  “No wonder Gil was brilliant. No wonder Klaus wanted him under his eye. The discovery was too much—it turned me sick just to think of it. I shut it all away and tried to forget the whole thing.

  Tarvek paused, and took a deep breath. “Eventually I managed to convince my father to let me go to Paris. I felt like I was back in the center of the world. I found freedom! Culture! New Ideas!

  “—And Gilgamesh Holzfäller; a debauched, amoral wretch who spent most of his time in the local nightclubs and bordellos. Nature had obviously triumphed over nurture.

  “Well, our friendship was long over, so—at first—I was determined to ignore him and get on with my life. I had my own work to attend to.

  “But Gil had a way of showing up where he was least wanted—and it quickly became obvious to me that he was involved in something nefarious. I was never able to discover exactly what but, because of him, I wound up dealing with an endless stream of monsters, pirates, and what seemed like every half-baked Spark who wandered through Paris, never with good results. By the time I was called back home, I wasn’t terribly sorry to go. Whatever Gil was up to, someone else could sort it out.”

  Tarvek stared into the past for a moment. “It’s so obvious now. He’s the Baron’s son. Of course that’s what he was hiding! And all that about Petrus Teufel—I see now that the Baron had merely concocted yet another layer of false identity to hide his son.” He smiled ruefully. “I wonder how many more I would have discovered if I had kept digging? Probably scoundrels all the way down…”

  He snorted and shook himself. “Well, fine. It serves me right. I’ll just have to be less trusting from now on!”

  “Tarvek! Hold still and let me put this on your head! I have a great idea I want to try!” Agatha had bustled up with an armload of instruments, topped by a pair of bulky metal skullcaps connected by wires and hoses.

  Agatha settled Tarvek’s cap in place, and turned to von Zinzer. “Okay, get them both up!” she called.

  Von Zinzer began to snap open his restraints. “Uh…they’re not going to go all monster-y, are they?” he asked.

  Agatha considered this. “Well, that’s still within the realm of possibility, of course… But probably not.”

  Tarvek relaxed slightly.

  Agatha frowned. “Not yet, anyway.”

  Tarvek sat up and tried to look at the device strapped to his head. She was clamping one of its cables to an exposed terminal on the larger apparatus. “Agatha, what exactly is this thing going to—”

  “Here goes!” she called, as she flipped a small switch.

  A wave of nausea hit him, and he toppled into Agatha’s arms. “Uergh. I feel terrible. Again. What is this?” he asked her.

  “It worked!” She sounded delighted.

  “Oh dear.” Tarvek tried to stand, then leaned heavily on Agatha. “Violetta must be right. You do hate me. I’m crushed. Eurgh…”

  Agatha tucked herself under his arm and lifted him to his feet. “Idiot.” She smiled at him.

  “Hey! Hey! Sturmvoraus! Hands off, you!” Gil was getting up off his slab, the other skullcap strapped to his head. His skin matched Tarvek’s, which was currently a delicate shade of lemon. Suddenly, he clutched at the helmet and swayed as if he had been struck. Then his face cleared. “I…I feel better.” He blinked, and swayed sideways. “In a horrible, slowly dying as my life energy is sucked out through my pores kind of way.” Gil wobbled. “I think I’m going to fall down, now.”

  He toppled, and was caught by Tarvek, who had been falling the other way. They staggered around until they got their arms around each other’s shoulders for support. Then Gil noticed whom he was leaning on.

  “You!” Gil snarled. “I’m going to kill you!” He winced. “Ugh. Later. When I can…when I can stand.”

  “Oh, yeah?” Tarvek waved a finger under Gil’s nose. “Listen, you, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do, you…” he wobbled drunkenly. “Erk. Yeah. Later.” He agreed. “When you can stand.”

  “Yeah. ’Cause I sure can’t stand you now.” Gil returned. They broke into identical pathetic giggles.

  Violetta was checking the readings on a set of dials. “Well, they’re both back in the safe levels.”

  Agatha watched as their skin, in perfect unison, changed to a light, robin’s-egg blue. She nodded in satisfaction. “They’ve integrated even better than I’d dared to hope.”

  She held out two old-fashioned chest-mounted system monitors. She had clearly modified them. They sported extra dials, lights, and wires. Like the skullcaps, they were connected.

  “Put these on,” Agatha ordered. She then proceeded to do it for them. They watched curiously as she pulled straps that set the little devices snugly against their chests.

  They kept their arms around each other’s shoulders, partially so they wouldn’t fall down again and partially because the cables that connected the little machines didn’t allow them to get very far from each other.

  “Okay, pay attention,” she said as she finished the last few connections and finally removed the skullcaps from their heads. “With these things, I was able to stabilize the Si Vales. But it won’t last.

  “If we don’t complete the procedure, you’re both…um…well.” She paused. “Anyway, we have to see this through.

  “But there’s a big problem. This place functions by means of some kind of huge power source. It’s way down deep underground in the cellars.

  “The Castle says it isn’t sure exactly what’s wrong, but the central core is no longer generating power.

  “Apparently, this place has been running on stored energy since the Other’s attack, and, after all this time, and with the extra energy we’ve been using since we came in, it’s running low.

  “That’s enough to maintain sentience and minor systems, but something like this—” Agatha patted the lightning generator. “This needs a lot more than the system can supply all at once.”

  She tapped a fingernail against the device strapped to Gil’s chest. “These units will keep your systems linked and the Si Vales connection intact while we make our way down there.

  “We may be able to fix the generator, or at least tap directly into one of the storage devices.”

  Tarvek looked like he was in the midst of a terrible dream. “Um—that could kill us.”

  Gil gave him a disgusted look. “Really? Deader than a Si Vales Valeo decay? Or deader than Hogfarb’s Immolation?”

  Tarvek’s expression did not change. “I like fixing generators,” he told them.

  “Good,” said Agatha. “Now I’m going to calibrate the stimulators. This is kind of delicate.” She fiddled with a handheld meter and stared at its dials. “Try to act lively, but not too lively, okay?”

  “Lively?” Tarvek asked Gil in a weak voice. “I’m amazed we’re standing.”

  “No kidding.” Gil poke
d him. “Just, I don’t know, flap your hands or something.”

  “You first.”

  “Nuh-uh. You first.”

  Violetta walked up and shoved a bundle at Tarvek. “All right, you buffoon—I dug around in the back room and found you some old clothes, so get dressed!

  “She may be too busy saving your worthless life to notice, but you’re not going to walk around in front of my lady without pants!”

  Gil and Tarvek stopped arguing and looked down in horror.

  “Oh, now, that’s way too lively.” Agatha told them, frowning at the meter she held. All that shouting was making the readings jump all over the dials.

  Finally, Agatha was satisfied that the stimulators were working properly. Gil and Tarvek sat side-by-side as she bustled about, collecting tools and discussing with the Castle the best route through its basements.

  They sipped at scrounged beakers full of what von Zinzer called “Best Not Ask.”

  Tarvek shook his head. “The Castle’s power source! Amazing! Our spies never could find it.”

  “So Tiktoffen wasn’t just holding out on us,” Gil said. “From what I heard earlier, I thought maybe—”

  Tarvek was surprised. “Wait—Hristo Tiktoffen? But he was our inside man.”

  “Oh really?” Gil thought about this. “I see. That explains a few things. But didn’t you wonder if…er…if someone else had spies here?”

  Tarvek took another sip. “Sure. We knew about all kinds of spies. According to Tiktoffen, there were agents and observers from all sorts of organizations, but he could never identify the Baron’s insider. Fancy that.”

  Gil took a sip. “So he wasn’t telling your side everything either?”

  The Castle began to chuckle. It sounded as though a third person was sitting with them.

  “Ah, the light dawns!” the Castle mocked.

  Tarvek made a wry face. “Huh. It sounds like he’s on nobody’s side except his own.”

  The Castle practically crowed: “Actually, the professor is on my side! Heh, heh, heh.”

  Tarvek frowned. “Your side? You have a side?”

  “Wait—” Gil said. “I can see this. Tiktoffen’s university dissertation was on ‘The Autonomy of Architecture.’”83