by Velvet Reed
“Yeah, I bet that hurts,” a new voice says. “You hit your head pretty good and it’s going to need some stitches.”
“Stitches?” I question lamely.
There’s a low chuckle, followed by, “Yep, stitches. You’ve earned yourself a trip in to the hospital.”
Hospital. Sam. My eyes close again and try to ignore everything around me. I’m going to see Sam.
I pick up one of the Barbie dolls and her hair is messy. I move the other toys around looking for her special brush. I sit down on the carpet and cross my legs like we do at school and brush my Barbie’s hair. It’s almost the same color as my hair and it’s long. My hair used to be long but I got a big knot in it and Mommy got mad and cut the knot out with scissors. My hair didn’t look pretty after that, because it had long bits and short bits. It made me sad but Mommy wasn’t angry anymore when the knot was gone.
When I went for a play date at my bestest friend Grace’s house, her mommy said that Grace needed a haircut and asked my mommy if I could go, too. My mommy said she didn’t care, so I went with Grace and her mommy to a shop where ladies were playing with other ladies’ hair.
Grace has red hair just like her mommy. She doesn’t get mad like my mommy. I watched a lady help Grace into a special chair that went up and down like magic. Grace was smiling so it must have been fun. Then the lady got some scissors and a comb and started to cut Grace’s hair. I shouted, “No!” because I didn’t want my bestest friend to be sad like I was when Mommy cut my hair, but Mrs. Rivers picked me up and sat me on her lap and said it was okay.
When the lady stopped cutting, Grace’s hair still looked pretty and she was smiling. Then Mrs. Rivers said it was my turn and helped me into the chair. The lady put a funny cape on me, but she put it on backwards. Everyone knows that capes go on your back, that’s how the superheroes wear them. When the lady got the scissors again, my tummy felt funny. I looked at Grace and her mommy and they smiled at me. Her mommy held my hand and my tummy felt better.
I sat in the magic chair and watched my hair fall all over the funny cape and it even tickled my nose. The lady said she was finished and then I got to look in the mirror. I was so happy because there were no more long bits. My hair was all the same, even if it didn’t go past my shoulders. Mrs. Rivers said I looked beautiful and then she took Grace and me for ice cream. I love ice cream. I love having lots of play dates at Grace’s house and I love Grace’s mommy.
I can hear Cole talking but I don’t open my eyes just yet. I don’t want anyone to know I’m awake. Stupid dream or whatever it was. I don’t know where the hell that came from, because I haven’t thought about when I was little for ages.
“The wound on the back of her head needed ten stitches and she’s a little dehydrated, but apart from that she should be fine. We’re going to keep her overnight for observation due to the concussion and how long she’s been out.”
“Do you know what caused her to pass out like that?” That question comes from Bryan. I’d know his voice anywhere.
“Mary said she found Ash on the floor of her office, unconscious and her head bleeding. Apparently, she went back because she’d been in there not long before and they’d had an argument, and Ash was yelling,” Cole says.
“She was arguing with Mary? That doesn’t make sense.” That comes from Gracie and when I feel my hand getting squeezed I know she’s sitting beside me.
“Mary said she’s been angry and snapping at everyone all week. Understandable, I guess, considering the circumstances.” Cole adds.
I can’t just lie here listening to them all talk about me so I open my eyes and interrupt them. “I can hear you, you know.”
“Ash!” Gracie exclaims a little too loud and although my head doesn’t hurt anywhere near as bad as it did earlier, the volume and closeness of her voice causes me to wince.
“Not so loud,” I grumble.
“Sorry.” She grimaces. “I’m just happy you’re awake.”
“Welcome back,” Cole says before I can speak again. “Before you say anything, I want you to know that we’ve given you some pain relief and you’ve got an IV of fluids in your right arm. I had to put ten stitches on the gash at the back of your head. It seems you hit the corner of your desk quite hard. The fluids are for dehydration and you’ll be staying here at the hospital overnight for your concussion.”
“Jeez, way to break it to me gently, Doctor,” I comment snidely.
Cole smirks and then takes my other hand. “Had to get all the medical mumbo jumbo out of the way.” I smile because, well… he’s Cole. “Now tell me how you are and if you remember what happened.”
I think back to being at the shop and going off at Andy. Mary was right. It was totally uncalled for. Oh God! My fight with Mary. I was such a bitch to both of them. Then I remember the fury I felt and how hard I was breathing, how I couldn’t take a breath and was gasping for air. I remember all the things I said to Mary. My parents left me. Sam left me.
The room fills with beeping noises and my heart starts pounding again. “Ashley, what’s wrong?” Cole asks, clearly concerned, and he’s looking between me and the monitors. I’m gasping again, just like I was in my office and strange mewling noises are coming from my throat.
“I. Can’t. Breathe!” I manage to get out and frantically grab for Gracie’s hand, my eyes pleading with her to help me.
“Cole, do something!” she yells desperately at her husband.
Something gets put over my face and Cole’s in front of me, telling me to try to relax and take deep breaths. I try to focus on him, on his words, and after a time, my breathing returns to a somewhat normal pace and my lungs are being filled from the oxygen mask that Cole placed over my nose and mouth.
“Let’s keep the mask on for a few more minutes, okay?” he suggests, and I nod in agreement. Everyone’s quiet for a few minutes. Gracie’s still beside me holding my hand and Bryan’s at the bottom of the hospital bed. Cole breaks the silence. “Ashley, did the same thing happen at work earlier?” I simply nod again, because what else am I going to do?
“Okay,” he says and takes another look at the monitors before looking back at me. “Have you ever suffered from panic attacks before?”
Panic attacks? What? I shake my head because I’ve definitely never experienced anything like this before in my life.
Cole carefully removes the oxygen mask from my face and again takes hold of my other hand. “You need to try to keep your breathing under control, okay, because I need you to tell me what happened to trigger the attacks now?”
My heart rate begins to increase again and I take a deep breath and concentrate on the strength of both Gracie and Cole’s hands in mine. Everyone waits for me to speak and when I do the only words I get out are, “My parents. Sam.” And then a sob climbs up from the depths of my soul and the dam of emotions I’ve held back all week so my anger could reign supreme finally break free.
I’m wrapped in Gracie’s comforting embrace and spend God knows how long crying uncontrollably for the past I never had and the future that I craved but am unlikely to receive.
With the spotlight on me, along with the attention of the entire club, I stand up on the stage performing my ass off. I’ve been up here every Friday night for the last four weeks and the songs I sing depend on my mood. I’ve sung songs by OneRepublic, Sam Smith, Alanis Morissette and they’ve all been cathartic, but then again maybe that’s just all the alcohol I’ve consume talking.
Tonight’s little number is ‘Bad Blood’ by sweet little Taylor Swift and the crowd are getting right into the chorus and are singing along with me. It’s like they know how deep I was cut and how much I’ve been hurt by Sam’s sudden departure and silence.
When I hit the final note and the crowd express their appreciation, I jump down from the stage and make my way back to my new reserved spot at the end of the bar. Gracie and the others don’t know I’ve been coming to Pitch and Tone’s these past weeks, and thank God for that. I would jus
t end up getting another lecture and have them hovering over me again like they did after my little stay and subsequent breakdown at the hospital.
I’ll admit that I still have more crying days than not. It’s been six weeks since he left and the pain still burns deep. If he would just make contact with me, even if it was only once, I’d like to think I’d be able to handle it better. All we know is that he took an unpaid leave of absence from the hospital for an indefinite amount of time and John had to call in some favors, just to find that out. It’s the not knowing and no closure that’s making it so difficult for me. Well, the not knowing and the stupid damn nightmares.
I had the first one that day at the hospital, and, like clockwork, they strike every single night. Every night except Friday’s because that’s when I drink way too much alcohol and end up passing out when I get home. The alcohol keeps the nightmares away.
“Hey, Tone, can I get another Cosmo?” I shout over the squawking of the newest singer on stage.
“Be right there, babe,” he shouts back and sends a wink my way. Pitch and Tone know why I’m here, and understand. They don’t lecture me or constantly watch me like I’m going to lose my shit. They’re good friends and I trust them explicitly, especially after a one bad day I had a few weeks ago. A day home crying resulted in a lot of drinking at the club and the guys made sure I got home safely.
Sitting there tapping my fingers to the beat of the music and singing the lyrics in my head, I startle when someone sits on the stool beside me. It’s become common for this to happen lately and it’s usually some guy trying to hit on me, so I do my best trying to ignore them.
“Not even going to acknowledge my presence? That’s a little rude, don’t you think?” a deep husky voice rumbles near my ear.
Whoa! Talk about an invasion of my personal space. Looks like he needs a lesson in manners.
“Listen, buddy, I'm not interested, so run along and take your crappy little pick-up lines somewhere else.”
The bastard laughs. He actually laughs at me. “Awww, come on, Ashley. You used to do anything to try and grab my attention and now you’re telling me to go away?”
“Who the hell do you think you…?” my question dies on my lips as I whip my head around and come face to face with Tanner Lewis. “Tanner!” I exclaim and throw my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a hug.
“Well, now that’s what I call a greeting,” he chuckles while hugging me back.
Pulling away I take in his handsome face. With his short buzzed hair, he looks like he’s still in the Marines, but his warm brown eyes are the same as they were when I was sixteen. “So Tanner Lewis, what brings you out this fine Friday evening? You here with friends?”
Tone comes over and places a fresh Cosmo in front of me. “Need anything, man?” he asks Tanner who asks for another beer before turning back to me.
“Yeah, I’m here with a few friends. We come here every Friday night and after weeks of watching you get up there and sing, I thought I’d come over and say hi.” His smile is almost devilish and I can’t stop the huge smile that I give back. It actually feels foreign smiling like this, like my cheek muscles have forgotten how to lift and show off my pearly whites. “What about you? I haven’t seen you here with Gracie or any of your other friends for weeks. Where’s that macho man boyfriend of yours?”
I feel my smile fall instantly and it’s obvious that Tanner sees it, too, because his brows furrow and his eyes show his concern. I tamp down the swell of sadness that starts to rise and pick up Cosmo number five, draining the entire thing in one gulp. “Like that is it? Do I need to kick his ass for hurting you?” Tanner asks with raised eyebrows this time.
I shake my head at the absurdity of it and snort an incredulous laugh. “If you could find him, I’d be happy for you to kick his ass.” I catch Tone’s eye and raise my empty glass, gesturing for another one.
“I don’t want to bore you with the details, but let me give you a little piece of advice, Tanner Lewis. If you ask a girl to move in with you, don’t disappear hours later without saying a single fucking word or even saying good-bye. You’ll break her fucking heart.”
Tanner stares at me, and I know I’m passed tipsy and heading straight for full blown drunkenness, but when Tone puts another Cosmo down on the bar I toss that one straight down as well.
“Hey, how about you slow down there, Ash?” Tanner suggests, but I wave him away with the fling of my hand and an inaudible sound from my mouth.
“I’m fine,” I tell him, because it seems to have become my mantra and what everyone around me wants to hear.
As the night goes on, Tanner stays by my side, talking about when he and Charlie were in high school and how grateful he is that Bryan gave him the job at the garage. I tell him about the shop and about what Gracie and I were up to while he was overseas in the Marines. Slowly but surely I drink more and more even though Tanner tells me a few times to stop. My words become slurred and I think I’m flirting with him. Maybe this is the way to forget about Sam the Vagina Man. I start giggling as I think about the nick name I gave Sam, and earn a perplexed look from Tanner. “Vagina Man!” I tell him and continue giggling like it’s the most hilarious thing in the world.
Pitch and Tone come over and tell me it’s time to call it a night, but I’m happy and having so much fun, I don’t want to go home. “I’ll make sure she gets home safe,” I hear Tanner say.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll take her,” Tone counters.
“Oh, I’ve never had men fight over me before. You could both take me home and we could all have a really good time. I’ve been with two guys at the same time before, you know, but they were more into each other than they were me. They were gay… like reallyyyyyy gay and they didn’t like my pussy even though it was shaved and everything.”
All three man are standing there, their mouths hanging open like I just said the most shocking thing in the world. “Vagina Man doesn’t want my pussy anymore, either,” I pout and lean down to rest my head on the bar but end up smacking my forehead down too hard. “Owww”
A throat clears beside me and I try to ignore it because I’m so tired and I just want to go to sleep. “I know you guys don’t know me that well, but I’ve been coming in here every week for months. My name’s Tanner and I work at the garage with Bryan Rivers, Ashley’s best friend’s father. I can assure you I’ll get her home safe and sound.”
There’s more talk around me, something about calling Gracie and exchanging numbers and then suddenly I’m flying through the air. I open my eyes and see Pitch and Tone getting further away. “Hey, look, I’m flying,” I say and throw my arms wide, but connect with something. I hear a grunt.
After a few minutes of floating through the air I seem to land on my butt and come face to face with Tanner again. “Hey, where did you go?” I ask, because I haven’t seen him for a few minutes.
Tanner leans over me and chuckles, “I’ve been right here the whole time, Ash. You’re in my truck and I’m taking you home, okay?”
I smile at him… At least I think I smile. Then I manage to put my hand on his cheek and stare at his handsome face. “I was so in love with you when I was sixteen, you know. It was like the biggest crush ever. I wanted to have sex with you so bad, but my boobs weren’t very big.”
He chuckles again. “Is that so?” he questions and I clumsily nod which feels like one of those bobble head dolls.
“Yep. But you left and went to the army or whatever. Everyone leaves me, you know.”
Tanner takes my hand away from his face and places it in my lap. “Not everyone, Ashley.”
My head lulls from side to side in disagreement. “Sam left me and took my heart with him. Now I’ll be broken forever.”
There’s silence for a long time. The door closes and another opens, then the seat beside me shifts. My stomach churns and my head spins so I shut my eyes to gain some equilibrium. “You’re not broken, Ashley. You just need some time to heal and be
happy again.” The words are whispered and seem far off, but the thought of being happy again is really nice. I just wish I could make it happen.
I’m one of those people who wake up after a heavy night of drinking and feel completely fine. This morning, however, I’ve got a dull headache pulsing in my temples that’s going to require some relief. Throwing back the covers on my bed, I gingerly climb out and make my way to the bathroom, in search for that special little bottle of pills. After using the toilet and washing my hands I rummage through the medicine cabinet and come up empty. Guess I left them in the kitchen.
Noticing I’m still in my dress from last night, I pull it up and over my head, throwing it in the general direction of the hamper. A shower is the next priority after I take those damn pain pills, so I’ll worry about cleaning up after that. I head down the hall in my bra and panties, trying to remember exactly how I got home last night. Pitch or Tone must have brought me. I’m making a mental note to call them later to thank them when I turn the corner and collide with a brick wall. Well, not actually a brick wall, but it sure feels like it. Lifting my gaze, I look straight into warm brown eyes, and everything from last night comes flooding back.
“Tanner? What are you doing here?” I ask, although I already know the answer to that. I think.
“Good morning to you, too, Ashley,” he greets me, then his eyes travel the length of me and an appreciative raise of his brow has me glancing down and taking in my state of undress. “Do you always greet your guests in that attire, because I have to tell you, I’ll be dropping in a lot more frequently if you do?”
I must turn ten different shades of red in embarrassment and my hands fly to cover my chest and girly bits, even though they’re already covered by underwear.
“I’ll be right back,” I mutter before spinning on my heel and taking off back down the hall to the privacy of my bedroom. Oh my God! I’m mortified. Scurrying to the dresser, I pull out the first t-shirt and yoga pants I find, not caring if they match or not. Then I haul ass to the bathroom to check that my hair doesn’t look like a bird’s nest and that my face doesn’t look like a warrior wearing war paint. Thankfully, the hair isn’t too bad and my makeup hasn’t smeared to horrifying proportions, so a quick brush and face wash have me looking relatively normal.