by Velvet Reed
I meet Tanner in the kitchen once more, but this time he’s biting his lip in an obvious attempt to stop laughing. “Not funny,” I gripe.
He holds his hands up in surrender. “Hey, I’m not laughing. Seeing a gorgeous nearly naked woman first thing in the morning is hardly a laughing matter. It’s more like everyman’s fantasy.”
Rolling my eyes, I move towards the counter where he stands with two steaming cups of fresh coffee. “I see you helped yourself to my kitchen.”
“Hope you don’t mind. It only took me a few minutes to find everything, and I wasn’t sure how you took your coffee, but I figured you might need it this morning,” he says while pushing one of the cups towards me.
Needing those pain killers, I open a cupboard where I keep other medical supplies and find the little bottle. Shaking two into my palm I offer the bottle to Tanner, who shakes his head. “I’m good.”
“You didn’t drink too much last night, did you? I can only remember you having two beers the whole time we were at the bar.” I return the medicine to its place and grab a glass. Taking it to the sink, I fill it with water and throw back the pills, hoping they work their magic quickly. When no reply is forthcoming I turn to him expectantly.
His eyes quickly meet mine, though I’m not sure what had his attention, and he clears his throat before he answers. “I only had the two, then switched to water since you seemed to be hitting it hard.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demand, insulted by what he’s implying. “I didn’t ask you to not drink on my account. I didn’t even ask you to stay with me. So don’t make out like you were doing me a favor.”
He catches my hand as I go to move past him and stops me. “Hey, don’t get all defensive. I just meant that since you didn’t have anyone there with you, I thought it would be a good idea to stop drinking. I wanted to make sure that you stayed safe and no one gave you any trouble.”
“Pitch and Tone were there,” I shoot back.
“Pitch and Tone had a full bar to worry about. Is it so wrong that I wanted to be your friend and watch out for you?” I look at him warily, wondering what his angle is. “Listen, Ashley, it’s pretty obvious after watching you for the last months and not seeing any sign of Gracie being with you that you don’t want her to know what you’re doing. I get it. You’re hurting and doing anything you can to ease that pain.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about!” I snap at him.
“Don’t I?” he questions in disbelief. “You told me a jerk of an ex left you without a word. You’ve been out getting hammered every Friday night for the last four weeks and who knows when else.” I go to interrupt but he places his large, calloused hand over my mouth so I can’t speak. “Do you even remember offering to have a threesome with me and Tone last night? Do you remember telling us that you’ve had a threesome before but with two gay guys who didn’t want your bare pussy or that someone named Vagina Man didn’t want your bare pussy, either?”
My eyes damn near bulge out of my head in shock and humiliation. I didn’t. I couldn’t have said those things. I wasn’t that drunk, was I?
“What do you think would have happened if it was some stranger you said that shit to? Because I can tell you right now, he wouldn’t have made sure you got home safe and stayed that way,” Tanner continues.
“I wouldn’t…” I start.
“Yes, Ashley, you could have. It’s pretty clear you need a friend. I know how close you and Gracie are, but I’d lay money on the fact that you haven’t spoken to her about anything you’re feeling or going through. She’s got her family and doesn’t need to be bothered with your stuff, right?”
How is it that having not seen this guy since I was sixteen, apart from only a handful of times in the last few months, he knows exactly what I’m thinking without me telling him? How does he know that I don’t want to burden Gracie or anyone else with my inability to cope with Sam leaving?
“I can be your friend, Ash. I’m here and I have no other commitments or things to worry about. You can trust me. Trust me with anything you need to and know that I’ll be there, no matter what. But believe me when I say that I’ll always be honest with you. I won’t baby you and tell you all the pretty things you want to hear. You need a friend who you can talk to, Ashley, because if you keep heading down the road you’re traveling, I don’t see you ending up in a good place.”
I know he’s right. He’s right about everything. Gracie and the rest of them have their own worries about Sam. They don’t need mine added to theirs, especially when Olivia is coping just as bad as I am, if not worse. Everyone else is too close to the situation and in the case of the girls at work, I’ve treated them despicably and don’t deserve their help or support. Plus they’re picking up the slack at the shop, since I really haven’t given it any priority. I need a friend and Tanner seems to be just the right person.
“Okay,” I tell him. “You can be my friend, if you’re that desperate,” I tell him and he smiles at that, so I try to return it with one of my own. I’m trying to play it off as inconsequential, but I’m truly thankful for his offer and everything he’s said. “As my friend, you should take me out for some breakfast. I’m starving.”
Tanner’s smile gets even wider. “I like that plan. I’ll be back in thirty minutes so you better not keep me waiting,” he says as he walks to the front door.
“Wait!” I shout after him. “Where are you going?”
“I’ve been in these clothes all night. I’m gonna run home, shower and change. I suggest you do the same. I can’t be seen in public with you looking like that.” He chuckles as he opens the door and leaves me standing there staring after him. I finally move after a minute or two, making my way to the bathroom to get ready. For the first time in six weeks I actually want to spend time with someone. I want to spend time with Tanner, my friend.
My feet pound the pavement and the miles creep by as I run along the same path for the fourth time this morning. The morning is always coolest just before dawn, especially with the breeze blowing in across the ocean. This is my new routine. After a restless night’s sleep, I wake up at my usual time and like a robot, I throw on my running gear and head out along this path. At a rough guess I’d say it’s close to two miles long and I run it at least four times, morning and night. Running has become my addiction. It’s the only time I can truly clear my mind and not think about the things and the people I left behind.
As I run this morning the sky changes from black to a multi-hued masterpiece of spectacular color. As the sun finally breaks the horizon, I stop and allow my morning peace to be interrupted by thoughts of Ashley and how I wish I could share every sunrise with her. I miss her. I miss her beautiful smile and her sassy mouth. I miss hearing her voice, even more so now that she’s stopped calling my phone and leaving me messages. But what did I expect? Now I just replay the ones she left before. The messages where her voice is full of worry and concern. The ones where she’s begging me to call her back and speak to her. The ones where I can hear her crying.
She deserves so much more. She deserves someone better than me. Someone who has a true identity, who knows who their parents really are and who hasn’t believed they were one thing all their life only to learn it was all a lie.
After almost two months of my self-imposed solitude I think I’m starting to come to terms with my new reality. I wasn’t enough for my birth mother; I sure as hell wasn’t enough for the Evans’ who apparently thought adopting a kid would be a great idea, then seemed to barely tolerate my existence. I guess I should be a little bit grateful that they left me more money than I’ll ever need in my life. It’s made leaving work behind to escape for a while possible. Then there’s the Tierneys. The family I loved with everything in me and craved to belong to. The family who lied and withheld the truth about me. The people who I loved as parents, but then ripped apart their love and trust with my anger and devastation. Olivia would never forgive me even if I tried to go back.
>
Almost two months and my thoughts and emotions are still as fucked up as they were when I left. Who the hell would want to be around me when I can’t even stand to be around myself?
So I run. I run morning and night to clear my mind and not think about the things and the people I left behind… I’m just not sure how well that’s working out for me.
I run through Grammy’s open front door and into her waiting arms. “Grammy!” I squeal. I’m so excited to see her. “I get to have a sleepover at your house!” I exclaim, even more excited about that because Grammy always makes me pancakes for breakfast and lets me watch cartoons. I’m never allowed to watch cartoons at home because Daddy doesn’t like them.
“I know you do, my little petunia. We’ll have a wonderful time and I thought we could even bake some cookies,” she says, kissing my forehead and taking my hand as we walk towards her kitchen.
“Really? That would be so much fun,” I reply and turn to tell Mommy who is following us. “Mommy, Grammy said we’re going to bake cookies!”
Mommy rolls her eyes. “I heard, Ashley. I’m standing right here and I’m not deaf.”
Her voice is angry again, so I try to make her happy. “We never have cookies at home. Do you want me to save you some, Mommy?”
I watch her eyes change color like they do when she’s going to yell. Maybe Mommy doesn’t like cookies as much as I do. “I don’t want any damn cookies, Ashley. Just go and play, for God’s sake. We need to talk to your grandmother.”
I stare at her for a few seconds and wonder what I did that was wrong. I’m always making her mad and I don’t mean to. I try to be a good girl. I really do. “Okay, Mommy,” I say and walk to the living room where Grammy’s television is and the basket of toys that she keeps for me to play with. Daddy’s coming through the front door with two big boxes and he puts them down beside the bag that has my clothes in it for the sleepover. Mommy put lots of clothes in the bag, way more than I’d need for one sleepover, but she’s probably just worried I’ll make a mess or get dirty. She doesn’t like it when I make a mess.
“Is that heavy, Daddy?” I ask, because the boxes are very big. Daddy looks at me but then he turns his head and doesn’t answer me. I guess he’s tired and doesn’t want to talk, so I just go over to the basket of toys and look for something to play with. I find the Barbies, Grammy bought me and start to dress them, but then I hear Mommy shouting at Grammy.
“We’ve had enough! You have to take her!” Mommy shouts.
“What is wrong with you, Joanna? She’s your daughter! How can you do this?” Grammy shouts back.
I quietly get up and creep over near the door so I can hear them better. I know it’s rude to listen to other people talking but I don’t want Mommy to be angry. If I know what I did wrong, I can be good and make her happy.
“I never wanted this to begin with. I wanted a life. We wanted a life. We’re only twenty-three years old and should be having fun, not be tied down with all this responsibility. This is the best thing for everyone, and plus you love having her here. I don’t see what the big deal is,” Mommy says.
“Of all the selfish, irresponsible and uncaring things you’ve ever done, Joanna, this is by far the worst. Your father would be absolutely disgusted with you. I’m disgusted with you and that little girl in there deserves so much better!” I’ve never heard Grammy get angry before, but this must definitely be her angry voice.
I hear Mommy laugh but don’t understand. Does she think Grammy being angry is funny?
“If you think your opinion of me matters, you’re wrong. I stopped giving a shit about what you thought when you convinced me to go through with it six years ago. This is your fault and now you can deal with it, mother!” Mommy yells again, making me jump and hold my Barbie tighter.
“Just go, Joanna. I can’t stand to look at you right now.”
I hear footsteps coming from the kitchen so I quickly move away from the door. “Let’s go, Dan!” Mommy calls to Daddy. So I walk to out of the living room to the front door, where there are more boxes and some plastic bags.
Mommy and Daddy are already walking down the front steps when I reach the door so I run out onto the porch. “Mommy, wait!” I say. “You didn’t kiss me goodbye.” They both turn and Mommy’s eyes roll again and she says something but I didn’t hear what is was.
They walk back to me and I wrap my arms around Mommy’s legs, and she pulls me away too fast. I like hugs but I don’t get to hug Mommy very often. “I’m going to have a great sleepover, Mommy, but I’m gonna miss you and Daddy so much,” I tell her.
She looks down at me and I want her to be happy so badly. “Good for you, Ashley. Try not to be too much trouble for your grandmother.”
Daddy pats my shoulder and then they walk back to our car. When they get in, I wave fast and call out, “See you tomorrow, Mommy and Daddy. I love you.” I guess they had the radio on and didn’t hear me, even though the windows were open. They mustn’t have seen me waving either because they didn’t even wave back.
I turn around and run back up the steps to Grammy. Her eyes are sad and she looks like she’s about to cry. I know what will cheer her up… Cookies. I take her hand and smile up at her, “Come on Grammy, let’s go bake some cookies. This is going to be the best sleep over ever!”
I wake up with a start and try to orientate myself with my surroundings. I’m in a car. “You okay over there?” Tanner’s voice clears the fog immediately and I realize I’m in his truck.
“Uh yeah, I’m fine,” I tell him and try to slow the rapid beats of my heart.
“Another dream?” he asks.
Another dream, nightmare, flashback. I don’t know what the hell to call them, but I’m sick of having the damn things every single freaking day.
“I guess.” That’s all I say in response because I really don’t want to rehash the details. It’s bad enough that they started after Sam left but now that they’ve continued for almost three months, they’re really starting to piss me off.
“So, what did you think about today?” he asks, evidently trying to change the subject and I appreciate the gesture.
“It was good,” I tell him. “The range they have provides a wide variety. The two owners seem very professional and know what they’re talking about, and with the knowledge they had about my shop, it’s clear they did their own research before we arrived, which really impressed me.”
It’s a Saturday and I needed to check out a new supplier, so Tanner volunteered to drive me just over an hour away to their farm and now we are currently on the return trip home.
“What about the pricing? Was it what you expected and competitive with your other suppliers?” he questions, and I can’t help but to turn a surprised and appreciative smile on him. “What?” He asks defensively as he glances away from the road to see why I haven’t answered.
“Don’t you just have the mind of a little entrepreneur?” I jest.
“Hey, you have to think about these things and how cost effective they are. I may be a mechanic but I’m not dumb. Plus, I’ve gotten to see and learn a lot about your thriving floristry business since we’ve become friends. It interests me.”
I don’t miss the emphasis on the word friends. We’re days away from the end of October, and Tanner and I have been spending a lot of time together over the last month. We’ve gone to the movies and out for dinner; he’s come over to my place to just hang out and even helped do a few repairs around the house that I’ve been neglecting to get done. It’s been comfortable and exactly what I’ve needed. He’s been a huge support for me and hasn’t allowed me to wallow in my emotions. Each time I was getting down, he’d take me out and do something fun. Every time I tried to convince him to go out drinking at Pitch and Tone’s, he somehow managed to talk me out of it and we’d end up going to the movies or something. He’s been amazing. He is amazing and since I’ve distanced myself from Gracie and the others, he’s become my best friend.
“I know you’re
not dumb, Tanner. You’re an intelligent, caring, handsome man, who I’m very lucky to have as a friend.”
He smirks and it’s his flirty smirk. It’s the one he’s come to flash at me more often lately and to be honest I’m starting to get a little concerned that Tanner’s feelings about our friendship are starting to become something more. “You think I’m handsome?”
I slap his thigh and roll my eyes dramatically. “Just stop, would you? You’ve got a big enough ego as it is and you don’t need me to enhance it any further.”
Without warning he grabs my hand and holds it as it rests on his leg. “Maybe I like having my ego stroked by you.” He winks playfully, but suddenly this has become way too serious and my concern has been confirmed.
Trying to make light of his remark I gently remove my hand from his and say, “I won’t be stroking anything, mister, your ego included.”
Tanner laughs it off, but then an uncomfortable silence descends in the truck. I turn my attention to the scenery out the window and watch it fly by, only to be interrupted by the ringing of my phone. Taking it out of my bag I don’t bother to look at the display and just accept the call, assuming that it’s probably the girls at the shop. “Hello?” There’s silence on the other end of the line so I say again, “Hello?”
“Well, look who finally decided to answer her phone!” Gracie’s voice oozes sarcasm but knowing her the way I do, I can hear the hurt that’s laced in it too.