A Home for my Heart (Matters of the Heart #3)

by Velvet Reed

  “I didn’t see who was calling,” I say and instantly regret the words as the line goes quiet again. “Gracie, I didn’t mean…”

  She cuts me off. “Wow! Is that what our friendship has come to? You screen the caller ID and ignore the call if it’s from me? Nice, Ashley. Real nice.”

  “Gracie…” I try again.

  “No, I get it. If that doesn’t make the situation abundantly clear, then the fact that you haven’t see me or your godson for longer than I can say certainly does. But since you did answer this time, even if you didn’t mean to, I want to make some things perfectly clear as well.”

  “I’m listening,” I say contritely. Tanner reaches over and takes my hand, so I offer a small smile in gratitude.

  “Well, you better be, because I have a lot to say. First off, I have been your best friend since we were five years old. That means for the last twenty-one years we have been by each-others side through thick and thin.”

  “I know,” I whisper, but she cuts me off again.

  “Don’t speak! Just listen to me, Ashley Brookes.” She pauses, and I hear her audibly take a breath and when she speaks this time her tone is softer. “I know Sam’s leaving broke your heart and I can only imagine that it’s brought back every single emotion, memory and fear that your parents caused you to feel so long ago.”

  You don’t know the half of it, I feel like saying but instead remain silent.

  “You may think that by avoiding me, avoiding my calls and spending as little time at the shop as possible, prevents me from knowing what you’re doing but you’re wrong.”

  My eyes widen in shock at that statement.

  “I know about all your drunken nights at the club. I know about the shitty way you’ve been treating the girls and the business, and how Mary has been covering for you a lot. And I also know about all the time you’ve been spending with Tanner.”

  I’m shocked once again and my eyes dart to Tanner. Has he been reporting back to Gracie? “How?” I ask incredulously.

  “Because people care about you, Ashley. Your friends who you’ve pushed away for months love you and are worried about you.” When she stops this time I hear the distinct sound of muffled sobs through the phone. “I’m worried about you, Ash, and I’ve tried so many times in so many different ways to reach you but you’ve just disappeared and haven’t let me be there for you.” She’s crying now.

  “Gracie, I’m sorry.” I tell her. I’ve hurt the one person who has stood by me my entire life. Everything I’ve done and haven’t done over the past few months comes crashing down on me in this moment. Her words are a slap in the face. A wake up call that just because I was hurting, I didn’t have the right to make others hurt too. While it was great being in my little bubble with Tanner for the last month, it really wasn’t fair to occupy so much of his time and neglect the other people who care about me. I picked myself up as a child and moved on with my life, and as much as it kills me to move on from Sam, I can do it again.

  “I miss you, Ash. I miss my best friend.”

  “Gracie, give me a second, okay?”

  “Sure.” She sniffles pitifully in the phone.

  We’re almost back in town. I turn to Tanner, “Do you think we could cancel our movie and pizza plans? I have a friendship to repair.”

  Tanner gifts me with a blinding smile. “Absolutely. It’s about time.”

  I stick my tongue out at him before getting back to the call. “Gracie, are you busy? I was wondering if it would be okay to come over?”

  “Yes! We’re home. Oh Ash, come over right now. You should see how many teeth Cooper has now.” The excitement in her voice is infectious and I smile at how happy she sounds. “Cole, Ashley’s coming over!” I hear her shout.

  I missed her, too, and I’ve clearly missed everything that’s been going on with beautiful little Cooper. I know I have more than one friendship to mend, but this is the most important one.

  “Hey Gracie.” It takes her a second to realize I’m talking. “Tanner’s just going to drop me home to get my car and then I’ll come straight over.”

  There’s a pause before she asks. “You’re with Tanner right now?”

  I look over at him again. “Yeah, he came with me to check out a new supplier, so I haven’t been neglecting the business completely.”

  She ignores the comment about the business and goes straight for what I know she’s most curious about. “So are you guys together? I mean… are you a couple?”

  “No,” I tell her. “He’s been an amazing friend and I don’t know what I would have done without him.”

  “Oh,” she replies solemnly, and I know her tone has nothing to do with the fact that we aren’t a couple and everything to do with me relying on Tanner’s friendship and not hers.

  “Gracie?”

  “Tanner’s more than welcome to come, too. As long as I get to see you and spend some time with you, nothing else matters, right?”

  And that right there is exactly why I love this woman. Our friendship has been going strong for twenty-one years and no matter what gets thrown our way or how idiotic we behave, being there for each other unconditionally is all that matters.

  It disgusts me that I was so absorbed in my own mess I failed to remember that for a few months.

  “Right,” I agree. “We’ll be there soon.” And we both hang up.

  “You okay?” Tanner asks. His constant concern for my wellbeing is sweet. His friendship and support have come to mean so much to me. He didn’t run away when I was at my worst. He stayed and supported me. He’s been my rock.

  “I’m great,” I confess. “But instead of canceling our plans, how about we change them and you join me at Gracie’s? She said you’re more than welcome to tag along.”

  That flirty smirk lights up his face. “I’d love to go to Gracie’s with you,” he says happily, before placing his hand just above my knee and squeezing my leg gently. A small shiver of sexual awareness runs through me. It’s the first time it’s happened in months and now I’m sitting here wondering what the hell it was.

  Today is Halloween. Tanner and I, along with everyone else, are heading over to Gracie and Cole’s to have dinner and enjoy the holiday. It’s the first time that everyone will be together since we came home from Hawaii at the start of August and I’ll admit I’m more than a little nervous.

  It was only last weekend that I took the plunge and went to see Gracie. She opened the door and burst into tears the moment she saw me. I was gutted at the sight of her crying because of me. I flew up the stairs, pulled her into my arms and kept repeating how sorry I was and how much I missed her. We stood there crying and holding each other for a long time, and it made me realize how stupid I was to pull away from her and everyone else like I did. She’s my family. My only family.

  Our little reunion was interrupted by the beautiful babbling sounds of Cooper, who Cole was holding just behind us. I couldn’t believe how big he’d gotten since I last saw him and added that regret to the already huge pile stacking up inside me. At ten months old, Cooper was already the image of his father and knew exactly how to use his baby charms to get what he wanted. I was shocked even more when Cole put him on the floor and he took off crawling to a group of toys in the living room.

  Tanner and I ended up staying there for hours that evening. Gracie and I talked about everything, and of course we cried some more. She informed me that Olivia was still struggling to deal with Sam leaving and had lost weight. She also told me that Cole and John had been throwing around the idea of hiring a private investigator to try and find out where Sam was. Apparently, he replied to one of Cole’s texts weekly just so they knew he was okay, but never elaborated more than that he was fine. That information caused a new round of tears from me. I was trying to move on and had restrained myself from contacting him for the last month, however, I still yearned for something from him. Anything.

  Cole and Tanner got along great, too, having met several times before. It seemed to
me like Cole really missed having another guy around. A friend. Sam really doesn’t understand the affect his leaving has had on everyone, or he just doesn’t care. I’m sure he doesn’t even realize how much he’s loved by so many different people. By his family. But then I’ve really been no better myself. At least that get-together was the start of making amends, and since then Gracie and I have been talking and texting each other again daily.

  “I can’t believe you actually dressed up,” Tanner comments from beside me. He already said the same thing when he picked me up and I gave him an earful about not getting in the holiday spirit by doing the same.

  “Halloween’s all about fun, Tanner. You’re free to be anything or anyone you want.” I take in his jeans and fitted shirt and it’s not that he doesn’t look great, because he seriously does, but it’s just not in the spirit of the holiday. “I would have organized a costume for you if I’d known you weren’t going to do it yourself."

  “I’ll pass thanks. I’m more than comfortable in my normal clothes and besides, do you really think your costume is appropriate for kids? I mean, I’m definitely not complaining because you look downright stunning but…”

  “I’m Sleeping Beauty!” I practically screech at him.

  Tanner glances my way and back at the road as we turn into Gracie’s driveway. I don’t say another word as I get out of his truck, grab the bags of candy from the back and head up the path leaving Tanner to follow. I’m just about to climb the stairs when I hear him mutter, ‘Sexiest fucking Sleeping Beauty I’ve ever seen’.

  Turning around, I ask, “What was that?” and catch him quickly moving his gaze back up to eye level.

  Clearing his throat, he looks around and motions to the house with his head. “I said, best decorations I’ve ever seen.”

  I narrow my eyes and try not to laugh at his blatant lie. “You’re so full of it,” I tell him, then turn and carefully ascend the stairs to the sound of chuckling behind me.

  Everyone arrives over the next half an hour. Bryan, Charlie and Rubes first, followed by Mary, Andy and her two kids, then Allison, Nate and April. Bryan and Charlie envelop me in huge hugs and make sure I’m doing okay. I assure them I’m doing better, but get a lecture from Charlie about not speaking to them. He proceeds to tell me how much of a douche Sam is and that he will kick his ass for hurting me if he ever sees him again. He was in full big brother mode. I was thankful for it because it was yet again another thing I’d missed.

  Fortunately, the situation between me and the girls at the shop had been resolved. I closed the shop early one day and sat Mary and Andy down while I apologized for being a lunatic. I also gave them each a bonus for all the extra work they’d been putting in to cover for me. Andy was beyond grateful and Mary let it slip later that Andy had been going through some financial trouble so the extra hours and bonus were a God send. After that, I increased Andy’s hours permanently.

  While the kids are all running around in their costumes, waiting to go trick or treating, I chat with everyone and watch Tanner do the same. I missed so much while I was reeling from the hurt Sam caused. I’m just thankful that these amazing people in my life have stuck by me and that Tanner fits in with everyone so well. Why that matters so much I’m not sure. I’m just happy he has new friends, too, I guess.

  The last ones to arrive are John and Olivia. When Gracie said Olivia wasn’t handling Sam’s departure well, she didn’t exaggerate. I’m at the back of the room when they walk in and while John’s demeanor is the same as usual, I can see the stress in his eyes. Olivia however, has lost the spark and exuberance she always radiated. She’s definitely thinner, though she certainly didn’t need to lose weight, and even though she still dotes on Cole, Gracie, Cooper and everyone else, the gleam in her eyes has dulled noticeably.

  When Olivia notices me, she makes a beeline to where I’m standing and wraps me in her arms. Well, I didn’t expect this! I also don’t expect the emotions I’ve managed to keep locked up inside me to suddenly spring free, but they do and the whole room goes deathly quiet. I wrap my arms around her and cry like I haven’t cried in months.

  “Oh, Honey,” Olivia whispers into my hair. “Oh, I know. It’s broken my heart, too. It’s all my fault and I’m so sorry, Ashley. I’m so, so sorry.”

  I shake my head, because I can’t blame her. Sure, I’m mad they didn’t tell Sam he was adopted at birth, but I also understand that she loves Sam as if he was her biological child. She was only trying to protect him. “It’s not your fault, Olivia. You can’t blame yourself.”

  She pulls back with a sad smile on her face and wipes the tears from my cheeks. “He’ll come back,” she states confidently, but I don’t acknowledge her words because I don’t think he will, and even if he does, he’s ripped my heart out by doing exactly what my parents did.

  They all threw me aside without any thought or concern. Left me as if I meant nothing. As if I was inconsequential. Easily forgettable.

  This sudden realization is like a knife to the heart. Pain lances through me and I see the comparison between the two events. One long ago past and the other more recent, they are so similar, so blindingly hurtful, it leaves me weak and shaky.

  Tanner appears at my side and places his arm around my waist, holding me up against him. “Are you okay?” he asks softly, and I look at him, trying to convey without words that I’m not.

  “Oh!” I hear Olivia breathe. I turn back to look at her as she takes a step back, a little stunned. “I didn’t realize,” she says again, her eyes darting between Tanner and me. I can tell what she’s thinking, but I can’t produce the words to correct her.

  “Mrs. Tierney,” Tanner says, holding out his hand. “I’m Tanner Lewis. I work with Bryan and Charlie. We’ve met before.”

  “Yes. Yes, I remember. It’s lovely to see you again, Tanner. Please call me Olivia,” Olivia replies, and her eyes continue to dart between the two of us. “I’m sorry. I just figured with Ashley’s reaction that… Well, I just thought…”

  “We’re friends,” Tanner tells her and I guess everyone in the room because I notice they’re all still quiet and wrapped up in what’s going on.

  “Of course,” Olivia says, then turns to the room. “So, who’s ready for some trick or

  treating?”

  The tension blanketing the room instantly shifts with Olivia’s change in topic and conversation picks up about dinner, who’s taking the kids out and who’s staying behind to hand out candy. Tanner’s hand on my side tightens a little and I know he’s silently asking again if I’m okay. I nod slightly, but don’t move. Everyone moves about, doing their own thing, but something becomes glaringly obvious. This isn’t the usual family gathering. The atmosphere’s off and the normal carefree happiness is missing. When Olivia’s eyes meet mine from across the room, I know what it is… Sam. It makes me wonder if this family will ever be the same again. If I will ever be the same again.

  I survived Halloween. Even with my breakdown, I got through it, and now I’m utterly exhausted. I’ve tried so hard not to think about Sam and I guess, subconsciously, that was another reason why I distanced myself from everyone. As much as I loved seeing them all and spending time with them, I truly didn’t expect the deluge of thoughts and emotions that have resurfaced. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to miss him like crazy and I don’t want to love him anymore. I just want something to make my pain go away.

  “It’s only half past eight, do you want to watch a movie?” Tanner’s deep voice cuts through my thoughts and I welcome the distraction.

  We got back to my house a little while ago and after getting changed out of my costume, we’ve been sitting rather quietly on the couch. It seems that Tanner’s become really good at reading my mood, and he’s always ready with a diversion. I don’t know how or why he keeps doing it, but I’m extremely thankful.

  “Sure.” I try to make my tone upbeat and excited. “A movie sounds like a great idea and l
et’s keep with the theme of the day and go with some horror.”

  “Really?” Tanner asks tremulously and I almost miss the stricken look that passes over his features.

  “You’re not scared of a little horror, are you, Tanner? You being a big tough man and all,” I mock. I really can’t imagine this tattoo covered, strong, ex-marine who has seen God only knows what horrendous scenes in real life being afraid of make-believe horror films.

  He mumbles a low curse and scrubs a rough palm over his face. “I’m man enough to admit that I don’t like those types of movies, but if that’s what you want to watch, then I guess that’s what we’re watching.”

  I stare at him in awe. How is it that this guy doesn’t have a wife or even a girlfriend? Any normal red blooded woman would be pounding down his door to have a guy like Tanner in her life. Any woman would be incredibly lucky to have Tanner love and care for her. He would make her his priority and do anything and everything to ensure her happiness, even if it meant doing something that made him uncomfortable or that he didn’t necessarily want to do.

  “What?” he asks. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  I smile brightly at him, reach up and kiss him on the cheek and say, “The woman you fall in love with is going to be one very lucky lady, Tanner. I just hope she realizes what a rare and amazing man you are and never takes you for granted.”

  Tanner’s gaze locks with mine, intense with a myriad of emotions and questions swirling there. It’s almost intrusive, like he’s trying to pull something from me and imprint his thoughts on me at the same time. It has me squirming uncomfortably in my seat. I jump to my feet.

  “I’ll just go make the popcorn,” I blurt out. “You can search for a movie. I’m sure there’s plenty to choose from.” Before he can say anything, I’m bolting out of the room like the hounds of hell are on my heels.

  For the next ten minutes, I take my time getting our popcorn and drinks. Whatever that was in the living room, it rattled me enough that I need to get myself together before I go back in there. We keep having these intense moments that feel like they’re leading to something and even though it intrigues me, it also scares me a little. Tanner’s an amazing friend, but is there the possibility of it being more? Do I want it to be more? What about Sam?