Fall From Love

by Heather London

  It’s fine, I tell myself. I can continue to avoid him. Just because Jenna’s boyfriend is best friends with Carter, it doesn’t mean that I’ll have to start being friends or anything with him, right? There’s a chance that our paths would’ve crossed at some point and I’m going to have to get over it eventually, right? I open my eyes back up and find Jenna looking at me intently.

  “So on a scale from zero to a shitload, how much do you hate me right now?” Jenna asks, her expression guarded.

  I force out a laugh and shake my head. “Zero. If he makes you this happy, then I’ll deal with it.”

  “Really?” She sounds relieved. “A part of me knows you’re full of shit, but the other part of me loves you for wanting to try.”

  “Can we make a deal?” I ask, still trying to get a grip on my emotions.

  “Sure.” Her voice is hesitant.

  “From now on, no more secrets. No more treating me like I’m some fragile little egg that could crack at any moment. And most of all, no more hiding cute guys you’re dating.” I smile at her. “I need you to be normal and treat me normal, so I can be normal again.”

  “Normal,” she repeats and nods her head. “I think I can do that.”

  Chapter Three

  You cannot find peace by avoiding life.

  ~ Virginia Woolf

  Friday’s here before I know it and my first week of senior year is officially over. Even though there were days when I dreaded starting school again, I have to admit that it feels good to get back into a routine and have something to focus on besides my own internal depressing thoughts.

  More than anything, though, I’m looking forward to getting my life back, hanging out with Jenna, and maybe even having a little fun in the process. I overheard a few girls in class talking about a new club across from campus. It had opened this summer and is a great place to go and dance. It has been so long since Jenna and I have had a girl’s night out.

  When I get home, I find Jenna in her closet. She’s kneeling down on the floor with her back towards me and clothes are flying in every direction.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, catching a shirt before it hits my face. I glance around her room, eyeing the clothes and shoes that are strewn across her floor and bed.

  “I can’t find my blue top; you know the one that makes my boobs look really good?” Her voice is slightly panicked.

  “You mean the one with the sequins across the neckline?”

  “Yes! Have you seen it?” She glances back over her left shoulder, her eyes hopeful.

  I nod, smiling. “It was hanging in the laundry room this morning.”

  “Ugh, the one place I haven’t looked.” She sighs and pushes herself up off the floor. “I’ve been looking for that shirt everywhere.”

  “Hey, do you have plans tonight?” I ask, following her back through the living room and into the kitchen. I open the fridge door, hoping to find something remotely healthy to snack on, but as I scan the empty shelves, I settle for a bottle of water.

  “I was hoping we would have plans.” She glances at me over her shoulder. “Now hear me out before you say anything, okay?”

  “Okay.” I answer, my voice cautious. Sure, I wanted to go out tonight, but the look on her face and tone in her voice make me nervous as to what she’s about to propose.

  “Well, there’s a barbeque tonight at Josh’s place, but don’t worry, I’ve already checked and Carter won’t be there,” she finishes all in one breathe. I guess to make sure I don’t give her a resounding no before she can get it all out.

  I take a large gulp of water and swallow. Before I answer, I scan over her features and see the desperation in her eyes. It makes me realize that this is exactly what I don’t want to happen. I don’t want the issue I have with Carter to get in the way of my relationship with my best friend or her relationship with her boyfriend. As much as I don’t want to admit it, Carter not being there is a step in the right direction and, for that reason alone, it increases my chances of going.

  “Sounds fun.” I shrug, taking another sip of water.

  “Really?” she asks, her eyes wide. “That easy? You’re not going to make me beg?”

  I shake my head.

  “Wow, I thought I was going to have to promise you my first born or something.”

  ❧

  We pull up to a house where a few cars line the driveway and along the curb. It’s a nice house—a really nice house. I look around the neighborhood and wonder how two college students can afford to have a place like this.

  “Crazy, nice house, huh?” Jenna asks, taking the words right out of my mouth.

  “Yeah, really nice. Is this one of their parents’ house or something?” I peer out the window and take in the two story house that’s covered in river rock and redwood. There’s a flag stone path leading up to the expansive front porch.

  “Yeah, it’s Josh’s parents’ place... one of many. They have like five houses spread out over the country. Why couldn’t I have been blessed with rich parents that gave me their big, badass house to spend my college years in?”

  “Hey, I like our apartment,” I argue and glare over at her, pretending to be offended.

  She smiles. “You’re right. The house may be super badass, but it doesn’t come with you, so I’d give it back in a heartbeat.”

  I return her smile and then shift my eyes back to the house in front of me. Nerves are swimming around in my stomach and I try to tell myself to calm down. This is not a big deal. It’s just a small get together at my best friend’s boyfriend’s house. It’s not a big deal.

  “You okay?” Jenna asks when she turns the car off.

  “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “You sure? You kinda look like you’re gonna puke.”

  I turn to glare at her again, this time not pretending. “Thanks. Real confidence booster.”

  “Kidding.” She smiles. “You look beautiful as always. Now, let’s go have some fun.”

  We get out of the car, walk up the flagstone path, and directly into the house, not even bothering to knock. I find it odd, but then, I have to remind myself that Jenna and this guy, Josh, have been dating for a few months now. I’m sure it is totally comfortable for her to just walk into his house. We enter into a foyer that’s covered with slate tile where I can hear voices and laughter floating down the hall. My whole body feels warm and my hands are clammy, something that happens to me when I get really nervous. Running my hands down the front of my jeans, I try to get a grip on myself. It’s crazy to think that I’m this nervous. They are just people—normal human beings—not aliens from another planet.

  Jenna loops her arm through mine and tows me down the hall and into the living room. She introduces me to a few people as we make our way to the kitchen. They are mostly guys—guys that I’ve never met before and yet, a few of them look familiar. I must have seen them around campus or something, I tell myself.

  The guy I had seen Jenna hanging all over at Sterling’s is leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed, talking with another guy. “Hey, there you are, babe,” he says when he spots Jenna. A huge smile appears on his face, but the moment his eyes meet mine, his expression changes. Shock and pity cross his face.

  Great.

  “Josh, this is Holly. Holly, Josh,” she says when we approach him. Her smile is growing larger by the second as she glances between the two of us.

  “Hey, it’s good to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Josh sets down his can of Red Bull and holds out his right hand.

  “Yeah, I’ve heard a lot about you, too.” I return his smile and we shake hands.

  There’s an awkward silence and I search my mind for something to say. Luckily, Josh speaks up and bails me out.

  “Well, why don’t you two ladies go grab a drink and head out back? I’ve fired up the grill and I’m about to put the steaks on.” He winks at Jenna and she blushes, biting her lip. I can’t help being shocked at her reaction. I’ve just never seen her
act like this around a guy before.

  “That sounds like a great idea,” Jenna says, grabbing my hand. She tugs me down a long hallway that eventually dead ends into the garage.

  “He’s cute and he seems really nice,” I say when we’re finally alone.

  “Yeah, he’s pretty great. I keep trying to find something wrong with him, but he’s just too perfect.” She sighs and pulls open the refrigerator, which is stocked full of every beer known to man. I look around the garage and take in the dart board on the far back wall, the pool table that’s centered in the room and a brown leather couch against the back wall. I quickly realize that this isn’t a garage—this is a man cave. I also can’t help noticing how Jenna looks so at home; walking into Josh’s house, knowing all of his friends, and making a bee line to where he keeps his beer. It makes me wonder how many times she has been here since they’ve been seeing each other.

  It seemed like she was always at our apartment this summer, never wanting to leave my side, but I guess there were a few nights when she went out. She had begged me to go with her, but I had always told her no.

  “He didn’t know I was coming over, did he?” I ask as she hands me a beer. She pops the caps off both our beers before meeting my eyes again and then she gives me that look. The look I’ve seen a million times before. The girl is extremely talented when it comes to expressing an emotion with just her face. Since I have been her roommate and best friend for over three years, I have come to know most of them. This specific one is her please-don’t-hate-me face.

  “Well, when he told me about the barbeque, I asked if Carter was going to be here. I told him that I was going to invite you and I wasn’t sure you were ready to see Carter again so soon. Really, I didn’t think it mattered anyway because I didn’t think you would actually come.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I tell her. “It’s not like it’s a big deal. I just couldn’t help but see the shock on his face when he saw me, is all.”

  “Well, he knows how important you are to me and he also knows what you’ve been through. I don’t think it was shock as much as it was the fact that he was glad to finally meet you.” She smiles. “Now, let’s get out of this stuffy garage and go have some fun.” She takes my free hand and begins to pull me out the door.

  We have only been here for an hour, but I already find myself wanting to go home. I’m not trying to be a downer; however, the only reason I keep smiling and pretending to have a good time is for Jenna’s benefit. Everyone is really nice, especially Josh, and it’s easy to see that the two of them make a great couple.

  “Shit,” Jenna says under her breath, interrupting the conversation she’s having with a guy named Paul.

  I glance over at her, wondering what has made her say that. My eyes follow her gaze to the guy who just walked outside. Although I don’t express her same words out loud, I’m definitely thinking them. Carter is here, standing just a few feet from me. My eyes follow his every step as he makes his way around the crowd, shaking a few peoples’ hands, and then his eyes find mine. I close my eyes and my mind immediately goes back to that night.

  After the phone call, the one where the voice on the other end told me to get to St. Anthony’s hospital as soon as possible, I sat on the bed, unable to move. Blood pounded in my ears and the words “there’s been an accident,” played on repeat in my head. There should have been an urge for me to rush out of his apartment... to panic... to cry or to scream. Instead, I just sat back down on Adam’s bed and stared around at his clothes, the pictures scattered on his dresser—most of them containing pictures of the two of us—and then I glanced over to my right, seeing the flower petals still scattered around the floor in his living room.

  After trying to call Jenna a few times and not getting an answer, I decided to go to the hospital alone. I walked into the emergency room, still in a daze, not even remembering the actual drive over there.

  The moment I walked in, the bright lights blinded me and the pungent smell of the hospital caused my stomach to roll a few times. My eyes wandered around the large room, where an older woman eyed me up and down, then leaned over and whispered something into her husband’s ear. Soon, he began to stare at me as well. My eyes drifted downward and that was the first time I realized what I was wearing. My white tank top, pink pajama pants, and white fluffy slippers stared back at me. There was an immediate reaction to run home and change, thinking there was no way I could go talk to anyone looking like this. No, I told myself. Adam... you need to find out about Adam.

  I saw a small group of guys huddled together near the doors leading into the operating rooms. All of them were wearing the same grave faces and each of them had on a red mountain rescue jacket. The same jacket that I had seen Adam wearing just a few hours ago. My eyes scanned the group and not one of them noticed me until a short guy in the back met my gaze. Jake or John, I think was his name. Adam had brought me out to the mountain rescue headquarters once and I remembered meeting him. He whispered something under his breath and then, slowly, every guy in the group turned their heads to focus on me. It was at that moment I knew that I couldn’t go home and change clothes, I couldn’t run away from what I was about to hear, I couldn’t go anywhere because my legs were frozen and couldn’t move; they actually felt like they were about to give out from beneath me. The looks on their faces said it all and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach with an iron fist, stealing all the air out of my lungs.

  The tallest guy in the group began to walk towards me. His sandy brown hair was disheveled and I immediately saw the sadness in his eyes. I don’t think I blinked the entire time it took him to get to me, which seemed like an eternity, but in reality, was probably just a few seconds. His chocolate brown eyes never left mine, and when he finally came within a few inches of me, he reached out and grabbed my arms lightly. For some reason I flinched and took a step back, not wanting to be touched. Not wanting what was about to come out of his mouth to be real. I still held out hope that this was all just a horrible dream and, by him touching me—feeling the warmth of his skin—it made the dream a reality.

  “You’re Holly, right?” he asked me, his face not able to hide the pain. I could only nod my head. “My name is Carter. Will you come and sit with me?”

  I nodded again, still staring into his chocolate brown eyes that I could now see were outlined in red, like he’d been crying. The front of his jacket was smeared with dirt and it was ripped down the left side.

  My chest felt like it was being crushed and I fought to catch my breath. Oh, God, I thought to myself. I’m already freaking out and he hasn’t even told me anything, yet. Somehow, I’m not even sure how, I knew the moment I got the phone call that Adam was gone, or at least, I had suspected it. Now, after seeing Carter’s face up close, I knew for sure.

  “Holly.” Jenna’s voice pulls me from my memory. When I open my eyes, I still see Carter standing just a few feet from me, his chocolate brown eyes still holding mine. I have to remind myself to breathe. Breaking the focus I have on him, I glance around and see how everyone is staring right at me. I must have dazed out a lot longer than I thought.

  “Let’s go get another beer,” Jenna says, standing up and blocking my view of Carter, breaking the trance he holds on me. Everyone continues to stare as she grabs my hand, pulls me around the fire pit, and towards the back door. I can’t ignore the way she glares over at Josh before we disappear back into the house. She looks pissed and I can’t help but feel horrible for what just happened.

  We walk back down the hall and, the moment we step in the garage, she turns to face me. “God, Holly, I’m so sorry. Josh told me that he wasn’t going to be here tonight. He said that Carter had made plans to go back to his parents’ house in Denver for the weekend. Please don’t hate me.” Her face falls when she’s done talking and I can’t help feeling worse with each passing second. She has no reason to apologize. This is my problem. I am the one who should be apologizing. I just made a scene out there, embarrassing
her in front of her boyfriend and new friends.

  “It’s fine, Jenna.” I blink hard. “Carter lives here, right? He’s allowed to come home.”

  “No, it’s not fine.” She whirls around and jerks open the refrigerator. “I’m gonna kick Josh’s ass for this. I specifically asked him if Carter was going to be here tonight.”

  “Jenna,” I say more firmly, the guilt is rising up in my throat, causing it to feel thick. “I’m fine. I know I can’t avoid him forever.” I try to keep my voice steady. “Especially since my best friend is dating his best friend. I need to deal with this. You shouldn’t be mad at Josh.”

  She still looks pissed as she turns back around and hands me a beer.

  In the back of my mind I know that, if it were possible to avoid him forever, I would. It may be a chicken shit move, but it’s the truth.

  “God, I’m sorry. I haven’t even asked you; are you alright?”

  I glance up at her. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I do think you should go apologize to Josh, though,” I tell her and can’t help smiling at the reaction her face makes at my suggestion.

  “And why the hell would I apologize to him?” She tilts her beer up and takes a long drink.

  “Um, maybe because you just gave him the most evil, crazy, psycho, stare down ever when you pulled me inside the house. Seriously, you looked at him like you wanted to gut him or something. It’s not his fault,” I tell her again. “It’s not anyone’s fault. This is their house. If Carter wants to come home to his house, then he should be able to.”

  She lets out a long sigh and her shoulders fall, releasing the built up tension she’s been holding. “Damn, when you put it that way, you make me sound like a bitch.”

  “Well, if the shoe fits.” I grin at her, hoping to get a smile out of her.

  She glowers at first, but then a smirk appears on her face.

  “We need to act normal, remember?” I remind her. “I know that it’s going to take me a while, but I’m really trying to get better. I’m trying...” my voice trails off and I take in a deep breath, “I’m trying to move on.”