Fall From Love

by Heather London

  “Jenna and Holly are going?” I ask and my chest clenches.

  “Yeah, we discussed it over breakfast this morning.”

  I jerk back up and swing my legs off the couch. How the hell did I miss all of this?

  “Knew that would get you up,” Josh calls and I can hear the smile in his voice.

  ❧

  “Good luck, babe.” Jenna kisses Josh on the cheek. Guys from both teams start heckling him, bringing unwanted attention to both Jenna and Holly… or maybe just Holly. Jenna seems to love it, but Holly looks like she’s trying her best to blend into the ground beneath her. I glance over at Josh and it’s clear that he loves the attention, too. He actually takes it a step further when he grabs Jenna, catching her off guard. She gasps as he bends her over and kisses her like no one’s watching. The entire crowd goes wild and I can’t help throwing a whistle or two out myself. Holly’s laughing while shaking her head, and seeing her smile, makes my smile grow even bigger.

  “Come on, lover boy. We’ve got a game to play!” I yell to Josh. He finally breaks from the kiss and jogs over to the rest of the team.

  At the end of the second quarter we’re killing them, up by seven. It’s our ball; we break from the huddle and I take my position. When I glance to my left it takes me by surprise to see Holly looking directly at me. I give her a small grin and then focus my eyes on the ball.

  The ball flies towards me and I catch it, run backward, and look for an open man. Josh is trying to dodge a guy, but he can’t shake him. My eyes are scanning the open field and I’m about to make a run for it myself when I feel a heavy object run into me, knocking me to the ground.

  When I glance up, I hold my hand up to shield my eyes from the glaring sun to see Travis staring down on me. Anger rips through me and I jump up to my feet, but before I can get in Travis’s face, Josh is in front of me, blocking my path.

  “Why do you have to be such a prick,” Josh says, pushing Travis back a foot.

  “Hey, c’mon guys, let’s just get back to the game,” I say, hoping to be the level-headed one and prevent a fight, although I feel like it’s coming whether I like it or not.

  “What? Can’t fight your own battles anymore?” Travis laughs, encouraging me and shouldering past Josh.

  There’s a crowd around us now and the last thing I want to do is fight him again, but I will if I have to. “Hey, I just came here to play football, man. I don’t want any problems, okay?”

  He laughs again, coming closer, and I instantly smell the alcohol on his breath. “Are you gonna back down from a fight?” He pushes me. “I want a rematch from this summer.”

  “I was drunk that night, man. I wasn’t myself. Let’s just get back to the game, alright?”

  He pushes me again, this time even harder, and my fists automatically form into a ball.

  “Don’t be an asshole, Travis,” a girl’s voice yells over the chatter surrounding us. I look over to my right and see Jenna. Holly’s standing beside her and has a look of horror on her face. Just seeing her is even more of a reason not to lose control, not in front of her.

  “Shut up, Jenna. No one asked you,” Travis yells at her before facing me again.

  “Don’t fucking talk to her like that.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Josh lunge at him, but a couple of guys hold him back.

  “So what’s it gonna be? You gonna be a pussy and walk away or are you gonna give me a rematch,” Travis taunts, taking another step towards me.

  “Travis, please,” Holly speaks up now; her voice is soft, yet firm. The stare that Travis and I have on each other is broken and we both look over at her.

  Travis’s face relaxes when he sees her. “Holly, I don’t mean any disrespect, but you need to stay out of it.”

  “Just leave him alone,” Holly says, her voice now holding a little anger in it.

  “Why should I?” He laughs, glancing back at me.

  “Because he’s my friend,” she adds.

  He shakes his head a few times. “Wait. Are you with this guy?” He looks appalled as he points at me.

  “Yeah, we’re friends. So take your macho ass somewhere else. There are some of us who came to watch a game.” Her sharp words take me by surprise.

  “How the fuck can you be friends with him? After what happened?” He leans towards her, raising his voice. Now, my blood is boiling and my fists are shaking. I know it’s only a matter of seconds before I lose control.

  She looks confused by his tone, but he doesn’t stop pressing her. “Where is the fucking loyalty in that, Holly?” His jaw clenches and she cowers back at his harsh words.

  That’s it. I push him square in the chest and he stumbles back a little. When he recovers, his drunken eyes find mine, and there’s nothing except rage in them.

  “Hit me and make it good ‘cause it’s all you’re gonna get,” I grit through my teeth, throwing all control out the window.

  He takes a large step towards me and I see his fist come flying. It makes contact with my face and my jaw screams out in pain, but I push the pain away and actually find myself wanting more. “Is that all you’ve got?” I ask, looking directly at him. “Again.”

  His nostrils flare and he winds his arm back once more. This time his hand slams into my right eye and there’s nothing or no one that can hold me back now. It takes no effort for me to take him down to the ground and after a few good punches, he’s out cold. Just like the night a few months ago, Josh pulls me off him. I’m breathing hard and fighting to get myself under control. Glancing around, I try to find Holly, wanting to make sure she’s okay.

  “Where is she?” I ask, turning to the side and spitting out a mouthful of blood.

  “I gave them my keys,” Josh exhales. “They’re gone, man.”

  “Fuck,” I breathe. “I didn’t want her to see that.”

  “Man, whatever brownie points you won with Jenna earlier, I think you just lost them.”

  I shake my head at his meaningless words and feel a sharp pain shoot up the right side of my head. My hand flies to the throbbing pain and I wince when I touch it.

  “Don’t worry about it, though,” Josh continues. “That asshole had it coming. I can’t believe he actually wanted to fight you again. You kicked his ass this summer. He must be an idiot for wanting another piece of you.”

  I rub my jaw and move it back and forth, glad it’s not broken, but knowing it’s going to be sore for a few days. “If you blamed someone for letting your best friend die, wouldn’t you want to kick his ass every chance you got?”

  ❧

  I’m lying down on my bed, staring at the ceiling and clenching the football in my hands. I throw it up in the air, and then catch it. I’ve been doing this for the last hour or so, over and over, maybe a couple hundred times, hoping the rhythmic motion will eventually distract the crazy shit that’s going through my head. As much as I want to forget what happened this afternoon, I can’t. I analyze what happened, play-by-play, and try to tell myself that I did the right thing, that it was the only thing to do.

  A few weeks after the accident, I had gone on a drinking binge, trying to drown out the memories from that night and all the other depressing crap in my head. Josh had always stayed sober just to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. One night, we decided to go to a party near campus and Travis was there, even more drunk than me. I had no idea that he was Adam’s best friend until he started going on a rampage and blubbering about how I screwed up that night... that if I had just tried harder, his best friend would still be here.

  Even though I probably had close to a twelve pack all by myself, I sobered up pretty quick after his comments. Josh tried to get me to leave, but I refused and spent the rest of the night drowning my sorrows with any alcohol I could find. I never wanted to fight Travis; I actually spent most of the night trying to avoid him. However, every time I turned around, he was right there, trying to instigate a fight. I understood his anger and I could see why he wanted to fight me. I understood want
ing to get rid of the pain. I understood wanting someone else to hurt as bad as you.

  It was a few hours later, and a few more drinks down, when I started to get angry every time I saw him and he wouldn’t keep his mouth shut.

  When he told me that it should’ve been me that died up there and not Adam, I unleashed on him. He had no idea the guilt I was already living with... the feeling of knowing that I should’ve been more careful... that maybe I could’ve done something... the simple fact that Adam shouldn’t have even been up there in the first place.

  Travis didn’t even get a punch in before I had him on the ground and was beating him into oblivion. It took Josh and some guy I didn’t even know to pull me off him. I’m glad they were there because I don’t think I would’ve stopped otherwise.

  Looking back on it now, I regret even going to that party; I regret ever drinking a drop of alcohol that night. With all that I had been through, there was so much rage and guilt built up inside me. Not only from what happened that night on the mountain, but the events leading up to that night. It had been years of tragedy and loss for me, as well as my family. Unfortunately for Travis, I took my anger out on him.

  The next day, I swore off alcohol, blaming the booze for making me act the way I did. This afternoon, though, it wasn’t the alcohol. Holly’s horrified face and the way she cowered when Travis spoke to her is what really set me off. Sure, he was drunk, but he still shouldn’t have talked to her like that. I don’t really know the guy, but you have to be an asshole to talk to a girl like that... especially one that used to be your best friend’s girl.

  I throw the football up in the air once more and catch it; clenching it so tight, it feels like it’s going to bust open. My grip eases up when I hear the front door shut and a female’s voice float up the stairs. My breath stops as I sit up and listen harder, a part of me wanting and hoping that it’s Holly. I need to apologize to her for what happened earlier. I need to see her and make sure she’s okay. The moment Paul dropped us off back at the house I already had my cell in hand, but Josh stopped me. He told me to give Holly some time or wait until she called me.

  There’s a soft knock at my door and I’m so lost in my thoughts that I jump from the sound.

  “Carter, it’s Jenna. May I come in?”

  “Sure,” I call out. My heart is hammering against my ribs and my throat feels thick. I’m not sure why she’s here, but I know it can’t be good.

  She enters the room, wearing a somber face. With the way she’s treated me in the past, I expect for her to look pissed —actually, I expect her to walk in throwing punches.

  “Do you have a minute to talk?” she asks.

  “Yeah.” I scoot up to the edge of my bed, still gripping the football in my hands. She pulls out my desk chair, turns it around and takes a seat.

  “I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing.”

  Shock courses through me. Why does she care? “I’m doing okay.” I swallow hard and watch her eyes scan over my face.

  “Does it hurt?” She winces, scanning the right side my face before meeting my eyes.

  I shrug. “Not really. Not anymore. The swelling’s gone down a bit.”

  She nods. “Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened earlier, for what Travis said and for how he acted. He can be a real asshole when he drinks.”

  I shake my head. “You don’t have to apologize for him. He’s just hurt and wants someone to blame. I get it.” I talk around the lump in my throat.

  “Yeah, well, he has no right to blame you. There’s no one to blame for what happened that night. Josh told me everything and it wasn’t your fault, Carter. What happened up there was just a freak accident and the choices Adam made to join the team, those were his choices. I knew Adam and the type of guy he was, he wouldn’t want you to feel like this.”

  Nodding my head, I swallow hard. I can’t believe out of all people it’s Jenna that’s saying this to me. The two of us have barely spoken more than a few sentences to each other in the past few months… and now this? “Thanks. That, um, that means a lot coming from you.” My voice cracks and I clear my throat, hoping to cover up the uneasiness in my voice.

  She sighs loudly. “I guess, while I’m here, I should apologize for how I’ve treated you the last few months, too.” She looks down at her hands in her lap. “I don’t want you to think I hate you or anything. The reason I was being such a bitch to you over the last few months was for Holly’s sake. She took Adam’s death really hard and seeing or hearing from you was just too much for her. I know how much you wanted to talk to her and I know you were just trying to be a good guy. It’s just... I felt like I had to be a bitch to get my point across. I didn’t want her to hurt anymore... but I am really sorry.”

  “You were just trying to be a good friend. You should never apologize for that.”

  She takes in a deep breath and I can see that she’s struggling with what she’s about to say. “There’s something else you should know.” She pauses, hesitating. “Holly doesn’t know what happened the night of the accident.” She pauses again and shakes her head, “I mean, she doesn’t know the details of what happened. All she knows is that Adam...” her voice trails off.

  It feels like all the air has been knocked out of my lungs. “She doesn’t know? Does she know... Does she know that I was up there with him?”

  She shakes her head and my head drops into my hands. No wonder she can still stand to look at me.

  “And I don’t want her to know,” she adds.

  My head jerks back up and I stare at her. “What? Why?”

  She sighs and gives me a pleading look. “I tried to tell her. About a week or so after the accident, I sat her down and wanted to tell her then. I wanted to tell her everything, but she said that she didn’t want to know. She said that she didn’t need to know the details. I know it’s not right to keep her in the dark about it now, but she’s been doing so well and I don’t want to bring her back down. Does it really matter anyway?” she asks, but I can’t find the words to answer her.

  Chapter Nine

  Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.

  ~ Dr. Seuss

  HOLLY

  It’s been two days since the football game. Two days since I’ve talked to Carter. I’m not sure if I should call him after the fight or not. I pick up the phone a couple times to call him, but then I talk myself out of it, not knowing for sure if he even wants to talk to me.

  “Hey, Holly, wait up,” a male voice shouts from across the courtyard. Turning around, I see Travis jogging up to me. As he gets closer, I see that his face still looks swollen and bruised.

  “Hey.” He lets out a big breath when he gets within a few feet from me.

  “Hey,” I say, gripping the books in my hand a little tighter to my chest.

  “I’m… I just wanted to say I’m sorry for acting like an asshole the other day at the football game. I was drunk and wasn’t thinking straight. Actually, I hardly even remember it all, but the guys told me all about it the next morning.” He glances down to the grass beneath our feet. “They told me I said some pretty messed up things to you.”

  My shoulders tense as my eyes scan over his black eye and busted lip. The image of Carter tackling Travis after he yelled at me pops in my head. It wasn’t long after the two of them were on the ground when Josh shoved the keys in Jenna’s hand and told us to get out of there. I blink away the memory. “Well, I don’t think it’s me you should be apologizing to anyway,” I tell him.

  He clears his throat, glancing back up at me. “Yeah, well, I’m not sure if I’m ready to apologize to Carter just yet.”

  We stand in silence for a moment and I’m about to excuse myself when he finally speaks, “Are you doing okay? I’ve been meaning to call you, but I’ve been dealing with my own stuff, you know? I’ve been pretty messed up lately.”

  Looking at him now and seeing the broken guy he has become is killing me on the inside.
Not only does his face show the beating he took a few days ago, his eyes look sad, worn and stressed. Travis and Adam had been best friends since high school so I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

  “I’m getting better, but there are still hard days,” I mutter, trying to keep my voice steady. “I mean, there are good days and there are bad days.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean.” The muscles in his neck flex as he swallows deep. “You know you can call me if you need to talk or anything, right?”

  “Yeah, I know.” I smile at him, starting to see just how much pain he’s still in. My heart aches for him, but I’m not sure what I can do. Most days, I’m barely holding on by a string.

  He shuffles his feet for a minute, like he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. “Well, I’ve got to get to class. It was good to see you, Holly. I’m really sorry about the other day.”

  I nod. “I know. It’s good to see you, too, Travis.”

  As I walk away from him, I pull out my phone and do what I should’ve done a few days ago.

  Me: How are you?

  A few minutes pass, but Carter doesn’t text me back. Don’t read too much into it, I tell myself. There’s no reason to freak out if he doesn’t text you back right away. He could be in class or sleeping. He could also not want to talk to you, a little voice in the back of my head tells me. With each second that passes, I feel horrible for not calling or checking on him sooner. It’s not that we are really that close or anything, but I still should’ve called. When he tackled Travis he had been sticking up for me, and calling to see how he’s doing is the least I could’ve done.