Eventually, I fall into a fitful sleep. I wake up a few times in the night, tossing and turning as I think about what tomorrow will bring.
Will he be there? What will I say to him? I can’t say anything at Sam’s wedding, the day should be about her. I’ll have to wait until after
Finally, the first grey light of dawn starts to appear and I sit up in bed. I know I won’t sleep any more, so I put on my running shoes and slip out the door. The air is fresh and clean as I start to run.
Before I know it, I’m rounding the corner towards the clearing. I take a deep breath and duck through the trees, coming to a stop by the river. The rock is still there, overhanging the bank where Owen and I sat and talked and I told him everything.
My eyes sweep around and I remember the way he held me when we made love, and the way he looked into my eyes and held my hand.
I’ve never had anyone look at me like that before.
Is it really that bad if he was accused of fraud? The charges were thrown out, after all. I glance at the trees as the leaves rustle back and forth and then glance up at the sky. There aren’t any clouds to look at today, so I let my eyes rest on the flowing river.
I take a deep breath. I was upset that I had opened up to him like never before and he didn’t return the favour. And then when I confronted him, he said those awful things to me. The memories of that conversation start flooding my mind and I turn back towards the path.
He obviously didn’t care about me, if he would believe that I’d sleep my way into college. If he believed things that Mary Hanson said the minute I left even after I told him how she treated me, then he’s clearly not the type of man that will stand by my side through thick and thin.
My hand floats to my stomach and I run my fingers in a slow circle over it. At the end of the day, it’s just me and this baby. If Owen wants to be a part of the baby’s life, that’s great, but he’s shown himself to be untrustworthy. I won’t have my child be influenced by someone like that.
As my resolve sets, I start to jog back towards Gram’s house. I’ll tell him about the baby, but I’ll be very clear that whatever happened between us two months ago is over. I don’t need or want him in my life.
I repeat those words to myself with every stride until it’s like a mantra. I don’t want or need him in my life. By the time I get back to Gram’s house, I almost believe myself. Just when I’m about to turn towards the front door, I hesitate and veer off in the other direction. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I turn down the road towards Main Street, and towards the Lexington Hotel.
Chapter 42 - Owen
She’s in town somewhere, probably at her grandmother’s house. I haven’t slept a wink last night, and I know it’s because I’m nervous.
I’m nervous about seeing her, and talking to her, and trying to tell her that I’m sorry. I’m nervous that she won’t let me speak to her, and that I’ll be left with this weight on my chest for the rest of my life.
Ever since that conversation on the phone, it’s like I haven’t been able to breathe properly. It’s like every time I try to take a deep breath, there’s something wrapped around my torso that stops me from inhaling completely. I feel trapped in my own body, and today the weight feels ten times heavier.
I rub my eyes and sit up in bed. I won’t sleep any more, I know it. There’s lots to do to set up and making sure the day goes smoothly, so I might as well get started. I pull on a pair of jeans and an old black t-shirt. I can change into my suit later.
The old stairs creak as I jog downstairs and start the coffee machine behind the bar. Joe won’t be in for a few hours, so I get to work restocking the fridges with drinks. I move methodically from one fridge to the next. Sam’s family have delivered six cases of champagne and I shake my head as I transfer them to the fridge. It’s going to be a party.
By the time I’m done stocking the fridges, my coffee is ready. I fill up a mug and take the cup out to the front of the hotel. There’s a rocking chair on the end of the porch, and it’s been my morning ritual to have a coffee and read the paper out there. I’ve definitely embraced the small town life.
I settle into the chair and take a sip of coffee. It’s strong and bitter and exactly what I want. I’ll need more than one cup to get me through today.
Just as I’m bringing the mug to my lips a second time, I hear footsteps running down the sidewalk. I frown and check my watch, wondering who would be out at this hour. It’s only six in the morning.
I wait as the seconds tick by and the footsteps come closer. Soon, the runner will come into view. I rock gently back and forth, bringing my mug to my lips once more. The coffee touches my lips and suddenly the runner comes around the corner, flying towards the front of the hotel.
Her brown hair is swinging back and forth with every step. Her strides are graceful and it almost feels like time slows down. My jaw drops just as her eyes scan the hotel and she spots me. My coffee mug, forgotten in my hand, keeps tilting towards my lips until the burning hot liquid pours down my chin and onto my lap.
“Aah, fuck!” I yell, jumping up and brushing my pants as if it would stop the coffee from seeping in.
Her laugh is the first thing I hear, and it sends an arrow straight through my chest. I glance up as Jess slows to a stop in front of me, tilting her chin to look up at me from the sidewalk. I’m standing on the porch, with just a couple feet and the white bannister between us. Her chest is heaving up and down as she pants from her run, with a smile still lingering on her lips.
Time stops as we stare at each other. She’s more beautiful than I remembered. Her eyes are just as piercing, but her features are more defined than I remember. I can’t speak. Even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to think of anything to say. She breaks the spell between us when she tilts her head to the side and speaks.
“You ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. You just surprised me.”
“Oh so it’s my fault, is it,” she asks with a grin, taking a step towards the porch. “Don’t blame me for your clumsiness.”
“I don’t blame you for anything,” I breathe. She looks at me curiously and then glances down at the low shrubs lining the front of the hotel. She clears her throat.
“Garden looks good.”
“Thanks. Your grandma has been a big help.”
“She likes you,” she says as her eyes sweep up towards me.
“I like her too,” I respond. I wish I could think of something more interesting to say, but all I can do is look at her and breathe. I’m afraid if I say anything wrong or if I make a sudden movement she might disappear into thin air. She falls silent again and kicks a pebble near her foot. She runs a hand over her hair, smoothing it down towards her pony tail before taking a deep breath.
When her eyes lift up to me again there’s something in them that I don’t recognise. She looks more determined than I’ve ever seen her. She looks almost cold as her lips part and she inhales one last time before she speaks.
“I’m pregnant.”
Chapter 43 - Jess
That wasn’t exactly how I’d intended on telling him, but here we are. It’s as good a way as any, I guess. My heart is hammering against my ribcage and I’m not sure if it’s because of the run or if it’s because of what I just told him.
He’s staring at me, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, his mug of coffee dangerously close to spilling on the ground again.
“It’s yours,” I add.
He closes his mouth and then opens it again, looks at the ground and then back at me.
“I…” he stops. “What?”
“I don’t know,” I say with a shrug. “I just found out yesterday.
“Are you…” he trails off and sits back down in his chair, dropping his forehead into his hand and setting the mug of coffee on his knee. I wring my hands together as I watch him. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it like that.
Even through the shock he still looks good. He runs his
fingers through his hair in that familiar motion of his and I wish I could walk up to him and tangle my own fingers into his hair. I wish he would lean his forehead against mine and tell me how much he cares about me. I wish I could press my lips against his and feel his hands on me, and then run my fingers over every muscle in his body.
Everything inside me is screaming to walk over to him, to jump the shrub if I have to, but my feet stay rooted to the ground. He looks back at me and takes a deep breath.
“Are you sure?”
“About being pregnant? Or about it being yours?”
“Both, I guess.”
“Well I haven’t been to the doctor yet, but I did take six pregnancy tests,” I admit. “And you’re the only guy I’ve had sex with, so…”
He nods and takes another breath. He shakes his head slowly.
“You know, when I thought about you coming here, I thought about what I would say. I had this whole speech planned out where I would apologise for all the things I said and I’d tell you everything about my father’s company and the trial.”
He thought about me? He wanted to talk to me? My heart grows in my chest and I take a step towards him until my thighs are brushing against the shrub. He glances back at me and shakes his head again.
“I didn’t think we would be having this conversation. Not in a million years.”
“Neither did I,” I admit.
We stand there quietly for what seems like an eternity. I don’t know what to say. He has his head in his hand again and I don’t know what he’s thinking. Finally he lifts his head towards me.
“What’s your plan? With the baby, I mean.”
“What do you mean?” My eyes narrow as I watch him struggle to find the words.
“Well, what were you thinking of doing?”
“What are you asking me, Owen,” I say. His name sounds weird in my mouth. I used to love saying his name but now it tastes bitter. “Are you asking me if I’m keeping the baby?”
We stare at each other in silence and the beating in my heart turns hollow as the anger and outrage start to build inside me. Before he has a chance to answer, I turn around and start running towards Gram’s house.
It’s lucky that I’ve travelled this route about a million times, because my eyes are completely blurred by tears. My feet hit the pavement and send a jolt through my body with every step as I try to hold myself together.
I don’t know what I expected, but I expected more than that. I can tell myself that I’m ok on my own, that I don’t want or need him, but I didn’t think it would hurt quite that much to see the panic in his eyes.
I was prepared to do it on my own but now I realise that I was holding on to some stupid, naive fantasy that he’d wrap me in his arms and we’d walk into the sunset together.
He doesn’t want me, and he doesn’t want the baby. I am on my own. I knew I was on my own before, but the reality of what that means is just starting to show itself to me. I’m on my own. I’m alone.
I push the door open and rush upstairs, jumping in the shower as soon as I can get my clothes off. I shouldn’t have gone to him this morning. Now I have to spend all day at the Lex, pretending to be happy for my oldest friend as she marries the love of her life.
I have to pretend to be happy for her, and I have to pretend that my heart hasn’t just been ripped out of my chest.
Once again, I’m crying in the shower over a guy I barely know. Once again I have to pull myself together and watch yet another friend find happiness while all I’ve found is loneliness and heartbreak.
I wallow in my self-pity until the hot water runs out and the shower turns ice-cold. I stand under the cold stream until my body stiffens. With a shake of the head, I reach down to turn it off.
Pull yourself together.
This isn’t me. I’m on my own, but I always have been. Nothing has changed. I still have this baby growing inside me, and I’m still going to love it with every fibre of my being. I’m going to go to this wedding, and I’m going to be happy for my friend. I’m going to celebrate two people being in love and I won’t think about myself.
I straighten myself up and take a deep breath. I can do this.
Chapter 44 - Owen
I can’t do this. I can’t spend all day in the same building as her, let alone the same room. I can’t plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be happy for Sam and Ronnie when I’ve just heard that I’m going to be a dad.
I still can’t believe it.
I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at the coffee stain on my jeans. I’m in a daze. Finally, I pull the bedside table drawer open. I find the old box of condoms and stare at it. Jess was the only person I used these with.
“You had one job,” I say to the box. “One fucking job.”
I shake my head and turn the box over. I frown as my eyes catch some stamped writing on the bottom corner.
Best before: 01/2017
My heart starts thumping as I read the letters over and over. 2017?? These condoms have been expired for a year??
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I whisper as I flip the box over and back in my hands. “Fuck!”
I knew I hadn’t slept with anyone in a long time, but I hadn’t realised how long. I toss the box across the floor and put my head in my hands.
As soon as she told me it was pregnant I knew it was mine. I could tell by the way she looked at me, but if there was any doubt it’s gone now. I can’t believe I’ve been using condoms that have been expired over a year.
I stand up and take a deep breath before putting my hands to my eyes and rubbing them. I sit back down and stand up again, and then turn around in a circle.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How do people react to this?
I’m freaking out.
There’s a knock on the door and I jump. Joe’s voice comes through the door.
“Boss,”
“Yeah!” I call out, trying my best to sound normal.
“Wedding set up crew is here.”
“Alright, I’ll be right down.”
I think I hear him grunt through the door and his heavy footsteps shuffle down the hall. I go to the bathroom and splash some water on my face and then look at myself in the mirror. It looks like I’ve aged about ten years since yesterday.
I pat my face dry and take a deep breath before heading downstairs. I can hear the voices from the landing upstairs, and with another deep inhalation I make my way down.
“Owen!” Sam calls out. “This is Maggie. She’s going to be in charge of the set up.”
“Hi Maggie,” I say, extending my hand. The older woman shakes it firmly and nods.
“Right,” she says. “We need those tables set up in the main hall. And you,” she points at me. “Get those tablecloths. Where are the lights?”
Within minutes, the whole ground floor of the hotel is a flurry of activity. Normally I’d find it difficult to have someone else order me around but right now I relish it. I do exactly as she says and I turn my brain off. My body goes into autopilot as I help haul tables, chairs, I tack up strings of lights, I arrange flowers and centrepieces.
The morning flies by and pretty soon, the Lexington Hotel Bar is completely transformed.
“Doesn’t even look like the same place,” I breathe as I look around the room. Sam’s brother Cory chuckles.
“It’s amazing what some tablecloths and Christmas lights will do to a place, hey?”
“Looks almost classy in here,” I laugh.
“Almost,” he says. “What do you say we crack a couple cold ones?”
“Not a minute too soon,” I say. “First one’s on the house.” I reach behind the bar and grab a few beers. As soon as the bitter liquid hits my tongue I feel my shoulders relax.
For the first time since I saw Jess this morning, I start thinking that maybe I can do this. I can make it through the day if I just put one foot in front of the ot
her and try not to think about the huge, looming reality that in a few short months I’m going to be a dad.
Chapter 45 - Jess
My cheeks hurt from plastering this smile on my face all day. If there was ever a day in my life that I didn’t want a gaggle of people around me messing with my hair, my makeup, and a million cameras in my face, today would be that day.
If I had my choice, I would be curled up in bed with the curtains drawn and the lights off and I wouldn’t get up for three days. If I had my choice I would eat nothing but ice cream and chocolate until my stomach hurt.
If I had my choice I wouldn’t be pregnant.
As soon as the thought crosses my mind I sit up straighter. It surprises me because it’s not true. As much as Owen’s reaction hurt me, as much as I’d rather be having a kid when I’m in a stable relationship, as much as I am terrified of what will happen, I want this baby.
I want to be a mom.
The first real smile I’ve had in two days floats onto my lips and a camera flashes. I blink a couple times and Sam laughs.
“Come on, Jess. Church time. I’m getting myself my very own husband.”
The second real smile of the day splits my lips and I wrap Sam in a hug.
“Congratulations, Sam,” I say as we embrace. She squeezes me a bit tighter and then pushes me off.
“You’re going to mess up this hair,” she says with a laugh, patting the sides of her head.
“You look gorgeous,” I smile. “Let’s go.”
The ceremony is beautiful. I dab at the corners of my eyes with a tissue and try to ignore the tightening in my chest. The way Sam and Ronnie look at each other is impossible to ignore. As soon as he hears the words, Ronnie dips Sam backwards and plants a kiss on her lips. Everyone in the church cheers and claps as the two of them laugh and turn to the congregation. Sam glances at me and I finally just let the tears flow free.
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