EQMM, November 2009

by Dell Magazine Authors

  But Brett and Lorelei shushed her, wanting to hear the remainder of the recording.

  "When Victoria showed me the complete guest list,” Andrew said, “I had second thoughts about using this dinner to confront Nancy. Because, the truth is, I've had problems of one kind or another with each of you."

  Having expected more dirt about Nancy, Brett, Lorelei, and Victoria all looked at one another.

  "For instance,” Andrew continued, “I met Lorelei Penfold years ago, when I was in her TV play about dairy farming, Creme de Passion."

  "I know what's coming,” Lorelei said, “but—"

  "Lorelei became obsessed with me."

  "It's not true!"

  "She followed me everywhere, morning, noon, and night. Eventually I had to get a court order to keep her away. This is the first time in years that we've been in the same room."

  "It was a misunderstanding,” Lorelei protested.

  "And as for Brett Kingsley,” Andrew said.

  "I wrote all about it in my play, Innocent Error,” Lorelei said.

  "When Brett was in high school he got involved with my little cousin, Audrey, and her mother. It ended in an appalling orgy of sex, drugs, and stomach pumps. Brett is always nice as pie to me face-to-face, but now that he's about to be the star of a prime-time program ... Well, I know so many things he would not want splashed around the tabloids."

  "Nice as pie,” Brett said. “He said it himself."

  "And you, Vic,” Andrew said. “Well, let's talk about your background, shall we? And your little sister, whose identity you stole to pass yourself off as a university graduate. Good thing she's content to stay away and play with clay, isn't it?"

  Victoria's jaw dropped. For once nothing came out of her mouth.

  Andrew's tape continued, “If you're listening to this, then something awful's happened. I can only hope that those of you who are innocent will get together to discover who is guilty."

  After several seconds of silence, Grimm turned the machine off. “That's the end."

  Victoria shook her head, breathing heavily. “This is not at all what I intended for tonight. I am so sorry, everybody. This was supposed to be a party. A celebration."

  "Funny thing, though,” Lorelei said.

  "What?"

  "That Nancy lied about knowing him."

  "No, I didn't,” Nancy said sharply.

  "Yes, you did. When you complained to Victoria because he was interrupting your version of the idea for Frankie Almond. And maybe now we understand all that a bit better.” Lorelei glared at the woman next to her.

  "I just said nobody introduced us,” Nancy said. “And it's not like I was obsessed with him to the point that required a restraining order."

  But the confrontation was truncated when Victoria sighed and nearly tumbled from her chair.

  Grimm was by her side in a flash. “Ms. Victoria, are you all right?"

  "It's ... it's not what I expected."

  "Can you continue?"

  "For the moment. I guess. Yes."

  Lorelei said, "Did Nancy steal Andrew's original idea for Frankie Almond, Victoria? If she did, her position would be a lot more secure if Andrew were out of the way permanently."

  "Wait a minute,” Brett said.

  "What?"

  "I may not be a real detective, but there's an obvious question that needs to be asked here. How was the poison administered?"

  Eyes turned to the scriptwriter. Lorelei said, “In the almond cordial, presumably."

  "And who poured the almond cordial?"

  "It was waiting for us,” Nancy said.

  "Exactly,” Brett said, in his Frankie Almond voice. “Grimm?"

  Grimm did not respond to the implied accusation immediately.

  Victoria said, “Please answer the man, Grimm."

  "I did indeed pour the drinks, Mr. Brett."

  Brett said, “Hey, hey, wait. We've forgotten one other thing. And it's important."

  Voices asked, “What?"

  But before Brett could say anything more, Grimm interrupted. “No need to continue, sir."

  "Grimm?” Brett said.

  "I confess, Mr. Brett. I confess to the crime. I did it. It's a fair cop, guv. I poisoned the gentleman."

  "But ... but why would you do such a thing, Grimm?” Lorelei asked.

  "Yes, why?” Nancy asked.

  Despite the confession, Brett insisted on making his point. “There are two things we have all forgotten."

  "What, Brett?” Lorelei asked.

  "First,” Brett said, “Andrew was sitting in the seat I was supposed to have. So if the drink there was poisoned, then I would have been the intended victim."

  "Oh my,” Lorelei said.

  "Yet it was Andrew who had made the cassette."

  People looked at the sound system.

  "The second thing we've forgotten,” Brett said, “is that Victoria likes to play jokes."

  "Jokes?"

  "I see!" Nancy said with the triumph of discovery. “All this has been a game. You told us at the start that this would be a theme dinner, didn't you, Victoria?"

  After a moment, Victoria said, “I too confess."

  Nancy said, “Andrew dies—which is why he was invited to the party. And the butler did it. Oh, that's cute, and very classic. Good deduction, Brett. You shall be rewarded...."

  "Thank you,” Brett said.

  "However,” Victoria said, “I do apologize for that wretched tape. Andrew made it this afternoon, unsupervised, while I was at the network. Believe me, the script I wrote for him was very different. And much funnier."

  "Andrew didn't sound like he was trying to be funny."

  "He's been a very naughty boy. I shall have to punish him severely."

  "I daresay he'll like that,” Nancy said.

  "Although,” Victoria said with a smile, “I must say, my money was on Lorelei to solve the case, what with her plotting skills. But I guess you got too involved in the tape, didn't you?"

  "What he said was serious and unpleasant,” Lorelei said.

  At this moment, Grimm coughed. Stagily. “Ms. Victoria?"

  "Yes, Grimm?"

  "Don't I get to say why I did it?"

  "Ah, the motive,” Nancy said.

  "Come on,” Brett said, “tell us, Grimm. Why did you poison Andrew? Was it because he's a tattoo on the armpit of life?"

  "I poisoned him out of jealousy, Mr. Brett. You see, I am hopelessly in love with Ms. Victoria, and I cannot bear to share her with any other man."

  "I'll bet that was in the original script, Victoria,” Nancy said.

  "It certainly was,” Victoria agreed, and laughed. Everyone joined in.

  Except Lorelei.

  "Well, excuse me for living,” Lorelei said, “but I don't think this whole thing is funny at all. I thought Andrew was really dead, and dead or not, I do not like personal and private and painful episodes from my life being used for entertainment."

  "I repeat,” Victoria said, “what Andrew said on the tape was as much a surprise to me as to anyone else. I'm sorry if you're upset, but there's not much I can do about it now."

  "Lorelei,” Nancy said, “along with the research you do, sensitivity has always been one of your strongest points as a scriptwriter. Unfortunately, sensitivity doesn't always smooth one's way through real life."

  "Don't you patronize me, Nancy Oliver."

  "I was trying to be nice,” Nancy protested. “Jeez."

  "Oh, get Lorelei a fresh drink, please, Grimm,” Victoria said. “In fact, crack open the Champagne. It's time we all started our serious celebrating."

  With a nod, Grimm went to the Champagne bucket. As he did so, Brett said, “You don't have some other joke in store for us, do you, Victoria? Nobody's going to get kidnapped, are they? No bomb in the bombe surprise?"

  "No more games, Brett, I promise."

  "And no more of that disgusting almond cordial, either, I hope,” Nancy said.

  "No."

 
There was a bang, but it was neither a bomb nor a gun. The cork had flown from the Champagne bottle, injuring no one. Grimm began his rounds at the table, pouring the sparkling liquid into yet more of the special goblets with Brett's face that had been set out for each guest.

  "We're watching you, Grimm,” Brett said.

  "Very wise, sir,” Grimm said as he went to Lorelei's place. “Ms. Lorelei?"

  "Yes, all right. I shouldn't, but perhaps I shall. I suppose we need to look forward, not back. So, yes, by God, I shall."

  "Very good, Ms.,” Grimm said.

  "And perhaps you should pour some for yourself, too, Grimm, and then taste it before we have any."

  "A most excellent suggestion, if I may say so, Ms. Lorelei.” Grimm filled her goblet.

  "Thank you, Grimm."

  He continued around the table.

  "Thanks, Grimm,” Nancy said.

  "I've been looking forward to this not just all day, but all my life,” Victoria said. “A prime-time television series. Something very special. A real opportunity."

  "Thank you, Grimm,” Brett said. “It looks great."

  Victoria added, “Use Andrew's goblet for your Champagne, Grimm. I had intended to invite him back for the meal, but in view of his behavior he can damn well stay in the living room. Naughty boys don't deserve Champagne. And need I tell you? This is the real stuff. Vintage. French. The whole nine yards."

  Grimm poured for himself. “Ms. Victoria.” He lifted Andrew's goblet to her. He gestured to the others. “Facilitators of Frankie."

  Victoria lifted her goblet. “And now, may I once again propose a toast? To you all. To us all. Nancy Oliver, director—and creator—of this fine series. Lorelei Penfold, writer of the best damned scripts you'd ever want to see. Brett Kingsley, the perfect embodiment of the classic private eye. And not forgetting myself, the series producer. She who put this whole thing together. I give you Frankie Almond."

  They all lifted their goblets to Frankie Almond.

  But before anyone drank Brett interrupted. “Hey, hey. Grimm first."

  "Sir,” Grimm said with a bow. After sniffing the bouquet, he drank. “Most efficacious. Although to be absolutely certain of your collective safety I'd best take some more."

  "Frankie Almond,” was the toast, repeated by them all. They all drank. The Champagne was, indeed, top drawer. There were several sounds of approval.

  But not from Nancy. She coughed. “Victoria, I thought you said no more tricks."

  "There are no more—"

  But Nancy coughed again. “I think almond champagne counts as a trick.” She coughed again. “And one in very poor taste."

  "Nancy?” Brett said. "Nancy?"

  Lorelei said, “Are you all right?"

  "No,” Nancy gasped. “No ... Not...” And before them all she thrashed about and then tipped her chair over backwards.

  There was a silence in the room. It was broken only when Victoria said, “Ah. Ah. I get it. It's a joke."

  "What?” voices asked.

  "Nancy is exacting her revenge. She was taken in by Andrew's performance, so now we get this. Very funny, Nancy. Very dramatic, which is no more than we'd expect from you. But I hope you haven't broken the chair, because it cost a fortune and you'll bloody well pay for it if you have."

  Again there was silence. No one moved. Including Nancy.

  "Enough's enough,” Victoria said. “Come back to life and let's get dinner started. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm famished."

  Brett, across from Nancy's place, stood and said, “Nancy?"

  Lorelei, next to her, said, “She's not moving."

  Victoria said, “Grimm?"

  Grimm, who had been standing behind Andrew's empty chair, crouched down where Nancy lay. He felt for a pulse and then turned to his employer. “It's no joke, Ms. Victoria. Ms. Nancy is dead."

  "Nancy! Nancy!" Brett cried. He rushed around the table.

  "Try mouth-to-mouth, Grimm,” Victoria said.

  "I'll do it,” Brett said and he knelt by Nancy's body. “Give me some room."

  "That might not be such a good idea, Brett,” Lorelei said. “If hydrogen cyanide gas from her stomach—"

  "What does it matter if it saves her life?"

  "There's no point, Mr. Brett,” Grimm said. “Ms. Nancy is gone."

  Brett was distraught. Nancy was the love of his life. He was sure this time. He turned to Victoria. “Is this some twisted joke-on-a-joke gone wrong, Victoria? Something you and Nancy hatched up together?” His tears followed as Victoria's face made it clear that nothing like this was ever in her plans.

  Grimm put his arm around the young actor's shoulders. “The lady is beyond our help, sir."

  "Oh God! Nancy!" Brett was in despair.

  "This is awful,” Victoria said.

  "Yes, awful,” Lorelei agreed. She shook her head, visibly moved by events.

  "Our series director murdered at a company dinner?” Victoria said. “The scandal will kill Frankie Almond stone dead."

  Lorelei was shocked. “Are you really thinking about a silly television series at a time like this? Are you really so hard?"

  "What would be hard,” Victoria said, “is for a wonderful opportunity to be killed just because one of you wanted to settle a petty grievance."

  But Brett was having none of it. “What do you mean, one of us? You're the one who was jealous of Nancy because I fell out of love with you and in love with her. You are entirely capable of setting this whole thing up as an elaborate cover."

  "Me risk Frankie Almond for a man? A man?” Victoria could hardly believe what she was being accused of. “Give me strength. Men—especially young and silly ones—are sixpence a dozen, sweetie. That's a dime to you. My relationship with Andrew proves that."

  Brett had nothing to say, but Lorelei asked, “Where is Andrew?"

  "Yes, Grimm,” Victoria said, “where is the little rat?"

  "Waiting in the living room to be called back in, I presume, Ms. Victoria. Excuse me, but shall I call the police now?"

  "The police? Oh Lord, do we have to? Can't we just agree, say, that she killed herself by accident?"

  "It can hardly be an accident when Ms. Nancy is exhibiting all the signs of cyanide poisoning, Ms. Victoria."

  "How do you know about these things, Grimm?” Brett asked. In his Frankie Almond voice.

  For once Grimm was flustered. “I ... From no particular source, Mr. Brett. Life experience."

  "I'm not sure I believe you, Grimm."

  "Sorry to hear that, Mr. Brett."

  The two men stared at each other until Victoria interrupted. “Oh for God's sake, can't we in this room agree a strategy that will protect Frankie Almond, Private Eye?"

  Lorelei couldn't believe that Victoria was continuing to think of the program. “How can you be so unfeeling?"

  "Oh, save the fake compassion for your scripts, Lorelei,” Victoria said. “Nancy did steal your husband from you. Which you never forgave her for."

  Now Lorelei was flustered. “Yes, well..."

  "And it still upsets you, for some unfathomable reason. Not that I ever met the man in question but what was the problem? Men come, men go. Or is it that you haven't been able to get yourself another one? Because to be obsessed with someone as shallow and untalented as Andrew shows that there's something seriously wrong with you."

  "That was all a misunderstanding."

  "Nancy taking your husband wasn't."

  "He would have come back to me. Eventually."

  "The way I heard the story was that he croaked in flagrante from a heart attack. If anyone here hated Nancy, it was you."

  "But not enough to murder her.” Lorelei was almost in tears.

  Brett was not convinced. “Yet you do know all about cyanide. And if you hated her so much, why keep working with her? Was it in order to have access until you got your chance?"

  Victoria was struck by this notion. “Your scripts prove you're capable of planning something tha
t complicated and weird."

  "That is a horrible thing to suggest,” Lorelei said.

  "Well, someone murdered my Nancy,” Brett said. “That's a fact."

  Lorelei turned to Brett. “You're so busy accusing everybody else, but what about you?"

  "Why would I murder Nancy? I loved her."

  "But did she love you?” Lorelei said. “Maybe you realized that she was only with you in order to get one over on Victoria. You know how they like to score off of each other, and neither of them has the slightest record of taking men seriously."

  Brett was upset now. Was it because doubt had been cast upon Nancy's feelings for him, or because Lorelei was on the track of truth? She was famous for the emotional perceptiveness in her scripts.

  "Look at their histories,” Lorelei said. “You'd have to doubt that either Nancy or Victoria was capable of forming a serious long-term relationship."

  "Get me a bowl, please, Grimm,” Victoria said. “I think I'm going to throw up."

  Grimm turned to his mistress to assess whether her request was a serious one.

  In turn, eyes fell upon him. Lorelei said, “And what about Grimm?"

  "Ms. Lorelei?"

  "You poured Nancy's Champagne."

  "I did indeed, Ms. Lorelei."

  Brett frowned. “Are we certain that's what killed her?"

  "She complained of the almond taste,” Lorelei said. “My Champagne didn't taste of almonds. Did yours?"

  "No.” Brett looked around the table.

  "It was an excellent vintage bubbly,” Victoria said. “As befitted the occasion until one of you ruined it. You had some too, Grimm."

  "My Champagne was entirely devoid of almond taste, Ms. Victoria. But there is a more direct test."

  "What are you doing, Grimm?” Victoria asked.

  But it was clear what Grimm was doing. He had knelt by Nancy's goblet on the floor. “I intend to assess whether there is an almond odor in the Champagne residue, Ms. Victoria."

  "Mind the fingerprints,” Lorelei said.

  "I shall take care.” He lifted the goblet by the edge of its base and sniffed. “Blimey, if I may say so. It reeks of bitter almonds.” He put the goblet down and looked around the room. “Anyone care to confirm?” There were no takers.

  "So she was poisoned with cyanide,” Victoria said. “Right before our eyes. Oh dear. Oh my. I'm feeling faint."