To Have and to Hold (Cactus Creek Cowboys)

by Greenwood, Leigh

  “That could describe a business relationship. I want to know what would make you marry a man against your father’s wishes, against your friends’ advice, maybe even despite common sense.”

  Naomi favored him with a half smile and a shake of her head. “I hope I never do anything like that.”

  He was insistent. “But if you did, what would it take?”

  Naomi sobered, regarded him thoughtfully for a moment before speaking.

  “I’d have to believe I saw something in him that was hidden from everyone else, something that maybe only I could see because of the special relationship between us. There’d have to be trust and all the other things I mentioned, but there’d have to be something special that drew me to him, that kept us together in the face of so many obstacles.”

  “What would that be?”

  “Love.”

  “But what is love? People are always talking about it, but they never say what it is.”

  How could she answer that? She was certain her father had loved her mother, but men didn’t talk about their feelings, especially to their children. Her mother had always said her husband was a wonderful man, but she had been one of the beautiful Brown sisters. She could have married anyone she wanted. Why had she chosen their father?

  Maybe it didn’t matter what her parents’ feelings for each other were. Colby has asked what she thought, but despite having reached the age of nineteen, she hadn’t given it much thought. She’d been too busy taking care of her family after her mother’s death, she hadn’t met any man who appealed to her, and she’d seen her cousins make unhappy marriages. With the war swirling around them and then the nightmares, love wasn’t something she had time to think about.

  So what did she think? Didn’t she have some idea about what she wanted? To her surprise, she knew exactly what she wanted.

  “There would have to be a strong physical attraction. I know some people would say that’s shallow, but I think a woman needs to think her husband is the most attractive man in the world, even if only to her. She needs to want to be near him, to feel his presence, to enjoy the intimacy of touching him. She has to enjoy his kisses, his embrace.” She could feel herself blush. “Being with him, becoming part of him, has to be more rewarding to her than parental approval or the acceptance of friends. She will place his interests above her own even if she couldn’t be sure he’ll do the same for her.” She stopped, at a loss for what to say next.

  “Do you think it’s possible for a woman to feel all that?”

  “Only if a man is worthy of it.”

  “You can’t find one man in a hundred that close to perfect. What about everybody else? Don’t they deserve love, too?”

  She noticed he had said they, not we. She didn’t understand why he valued himself so little. “The man doesn’t have to be perfect any more than the woman. That’s how a woman would have to feel to marry a man in the face of so much opposition. She’d want to feel that way even if everybody was enthusiastic about her choice.” Colby didn’t look as though she’d answered his question. “What did you want me to say?”

  “It’s not that.”

  He didn’t get to say what it was because Ben came running up.

  “They’ve got a committee and Norman isn’t on it,” he announced. “They want to talk to you right now.”

  “I’ll go in just a minute.”

  “Papa said I was to get you. You gotta come now.”

  “Go,” Naomi said. “We can finish talking later.”

  Colby hesitated before following an impatient Ben. He looked over his shoulder at Naomi just before they disappeared around the corner of a wagon.

  Naomi wondered what had raised the questions in Colby’s mind. Had she given him the right answers, or was she as confused as he seemed to be?

  She wasn’t wrong about trust, honesty, or any of the other things. Anybody would list those. It was the attraction element that was hard to understand, impossible to pin down. Exactly what made him so attractive to her? He wasn’t the most handsome man she’d ever met. He was taller than anybody in the wagon train and more muscular than anybody except Morley Sumner, but she’d never been overawed by physical size and prowess. He said he didn’t have enough money to replace his worn uniform with decent clothes, but that didn’t appear to bother him. He didn’t try to ingratiate himself with people, yet everybody liked and trusted him. He was kind, thoughtful, and willing to help anyone if he could.

  That couldn’t be the whole answer. She was attracted to him before she knew that.

  It had to be more than mere physical attraction. She had known almost immediately he was a man who would stand by his word, who could do whatever he put his mind to, who a woman could depend on. What other kind of man would jeopardize his life to save a bunch of strangers? She thought of many more traits and characteristics, but none of them held the answer. Yet something had to be there because she thought about him constantly. The desire to be with him, to know everything about him, was impossible to stem. Why?

  Maybe love was something that couldn’t be described in words. Maybe it was something that had to be experienced to be understood. It was an indefinable melding of the physical, emotional, and intellectual—a combination a rational person might tell you couldn’t possibly exist.

  Yet she was certain it did. Otherwise, how could she explain her deepening attraction to Colby, and the feeling that it had already grown to more than that?

  ***

  The next day Naomi and her father were eating their midday meal when a frightened Paul Hill came running up to their wagon.

  “Wilma’s labor pains have started. You gotta come.”

  “It’ll take several hours,” the doctor said. “I’ll come as soon as I finish eating.”

  “You gotta come now,” Hill insisted. “She said she’s been having pains since sometime during the night. She didn’t want to say anything because everybody was so upset.”

  “Naomi will go with you. I’ll come as soon as I get my bag.”

  “I told her to tell me as soon as anything happened,” Hill said to Naomi as they hurried to his wagon, “but she said she didn’t because it was going to take a long time.”

  “Are the pains sharp yet?”

  “Yeah. That’s why I noticed. She went white and couldn’t hide her groans.”

  Naomi had helped her father with several deliveries. Groans didn’t necessarily mean the baby was ready to make its appearance. She’d known labors to last most of a day. She wondered what Colby would decide when he found out. Surely he wouldn’t leave them behind to catch up later.

  When they reached the Hill’s wagon, Wilma’s sister-in-law, Flora Hill, was with her. Several women had gathered around to keep the curious at bay. In a way that was characteristic of all small villages, everyone knew everything without having to be told.

  “One contraction is hardly over before the next one starts,” Wilma told Naomi. “Where is your father?”

  “He’ll be here in a minute.” Naomi knelt down where Wilma was lying on a pallet under the wagon out of the sun. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

  “Like this baby is going to be born any minute.”

  Naomi turned to Paul Hill. “Do you have some sheets you can hang around the wagon to give her some privacy?”

  Mothers dispatched children to wagons to gather the needed sheets. By the time Naomi’s father arrived, the wagon was draped in sheets of various sizes and colors.

  “I need to examine you,” he said to Wilma. “You can wait outside,” he said to her husband. “You can make yourself useful by telling Colby what’s happening.”

  Paul Hill looked both reluctant to leave and relieved to be spared his wife’s ordeal.

  “Why didn’t you call me sooner?” the doctor asked Wilma after his examination. “I can see the crown of the baby’s head.”
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br />   “I didn’t want to”—Wilma stopped when a contraction caused her to go white—“say anything until I was sure this was a real labor.”

  “It’s real all right,” the doctor said. “If you can press down hard, this labor might be over quickly.”

  Naomi had often wondered how a woman who’d had one baby could be willing, even anxious, to go through the ordeal of having more. Wilma’s body was soaked with sweat and gripped by agonizing pains.

  “It’s coming,” her father said. “Push. It shouldn’t be long now.”

  It took more than one push, but minutes later the baby’s shoulders emerged from the birth canal and it slid into the doctor’s hands. The baby took its first breath and let out a cry.

  “You’ve got a fine baby boy,” he said to Wilma. “You can be proud of yourself.”

  “Can I see him?”

  “As soon as I make sure he’s all right.”

  It took several minutes before Naomi had the baby clean enough to be placed in his mother’s arms.

  “What have you decided to name him?” she asked.

  Wilma was too exhausted to talk.

  “She said if it was a boy, she was going to name him after his father,” Flora said, “but Paul doesn’t want another Paul in the house.”

  “There’ll be plenty of time to decide,” the doctor said. “He won’t be responding to his name any time soon.”

  Wilma gazed at her baby with a sense of wonder and happiness. “I think he looks exactly like his father.”

  “Why don’t you go put his father out of his misery,” the doctor said to Flora. “The poor man has been jumpy as a frog on a hot stove the whole trip.”

  “He didn’t want to try again after I lost our first baby,” Wilma explained, “but I insisted.” She gazed down at her son. “We would never have had this beautiful baby if I hadn’t.”

  She had barely finished the sentence when her body was wracked by pain.

  “What’s happening?” Flora cried. “She’s not going to die, is she?”

  The doctor took the baby from Wilma’s slackened arms and handed him to Naomi. “I’ve suspected all along she was too big for just one baby.”

  The second birth came quickly. A little girl made her appearance with less fuss and bother than her brother.

  “Paul isn’t going to believe it.” Flora was so excited she stammered. “Two babies at once.”

  “You want to tell him?”

  “Let Naomi go. I want to stay with Wilma.”

  “Take his son to him,” the doctor said.

  The crowd was still gathered around when Naomi crawled out from under the wagon. “It’s a boy,” she announced. “And he has a twin sister.”

  Everybody wanted to hold the baby, but Naomi told them they had to wait until the father had seen his son. But when Naomi tried to hand the baby to Paul, he was so nervous he backed away.

  “I don’t know how to hold a baby,” he protested.

  “It’s easy.”

  “That’s because you’re a woman. All women know about babies. Men don’t.”

  Naomi was about to respond to what she thought was a stupid remark, but Colby forestalled her.

  “Let me take him.”

  Naomi hesitated.

  “If I could handle Little Abe, I can handle Paul, Junior.” He held out his arms, and Naomi placed the baby in them. It took a moment before he had the baby situated so he was comfortable. “See,” he said to Paul. “If a clumsy man like me can do it, so can you.”

  There was nothing clumsy about Colby. But what struck Naomi forcefully was that he looked so comfortable, so natural, holding the baby. He actually seemed to like it. Could it be that he would have liked children of his own?

  “The baby’s not crying,” one of the children remarked. “Are you sure it’s all right?”

  “It’s fine,” Naomi said.

  “But all babies cry.”

  “Why should he cry?” Pearl Sumner asked. “He’s in the strong arms of a man who can do anything that needs doing. He couldn’t be more safe.”

  Naomi was dismayed at the stab of jealousy that Pearl’s remark caused. Had her feelings gotten so far out of hand that she was jealous of any woman who admired Colby, even one who was happily married?

  “Why don’t you try to hold him?” Colby asked Paul.

  Paul shook his head, but he didn’t back away.

  “Just hold out your arms,” Colby said.

  “I’ll drop him.”

  “I won’t let you. Now hold out your arms.”

  Paul looked like he was about to faint, but he complied. Colby placed the baby in his father’s arms then positioned Paul’s arms until he held the baby in a comfortable and natural position.

  “See, it’s easy,” Colby said.

  Paul looked in shock.

  “You’d better get used to it,” Pearl advised. “With two of them to feed, Wilma’s going to need a lot of help.”

  Every woman and half the children volunteered to help Wilma at any time, but Naomi doubted Paul heard a single word. He stood there, stiff as an icicle in January, staring at his son like he’d never seen a baby in his life and had no idea what he was to do with one. Flora emerged from under the wagon with the baby daughter in her arms.

  “Here is your daughter,” she said to Paul. “Isn’t she gorgeous?”

  Paul looked so close to fainting, Pearl took the baby from him. He managed to collect his wits enough to ask after his wife.

  “The doctor says she’s fine,” Flora informed him. “She’s a little tired, but she’s eager to have her babies with her.”

  “I made a bed for her in our wagon.”

  “You can’t drive the wagon and help with the babies,” Elsa Drummond said. “We have only one wagon so we don’t need Polly. She’ll be glad to help you.”

  Renewed offers of help came from every corner.

  “I don’t want to rush anyone,” Colby announced, “but we need to get underway as soon as the doctor says Mrs. Hill is ready to travel.”

  The women assured him they’d be ready then turned their attention back to the babies.

  “I hope their husbands aren’t this fond of babies,” he said to Naomi, “or we’ll never leave.”

  “You don’t have to worry. They’re all like Paul. Why aren’t you uncomfortable with that baby?”

  “Why should I be? He’s too small to hurt me.”

  Naomi laughed. “I don’t mean that. You held him like you were used to it.”

  “I figured it couldn’t be that difficult if every woman and child could do it. Besides, Paul has wanted that baby—those babies—for so long it would be a shame if he was too afraid to hold them. He just needed someone to show him how.”

  “Why couldn’t he have learned from watching me?”

  “Because he figured it was different for a man.”

  Naomi stared at him for a moment. “How do you know all of this?”

  “All of what?”

  “Everything. Horses, snakes, babies, everything.”

  “I don’t know. I guess I just watch and pay attention. And now I’d better pay attention to getting these wagons moving, or we’ll still be here at nightfall.”

  Naomi watched him walk away completely unaware that he’d done anything unusual.

  Then maybe it wasn’t unusual for him. Maybe he didn’t think of anything as being too hard, just as a problem to be solved. She’d have to start doing that. There was no going back to Kentucky. The rest of her life would be unfamiliar, an unending series of problems to be solved.

  It would be a lot easier if Colby were there to help her.

  ***

  Colby was grateful to have reached the Upper Springs of the Cimarron before dark. A small spring flowed into a ravine four miles from the river. It
was a lovely spot surrounded by towering cliffs, craggy spurs, and deep-cut crevices winding through thickets of greenbrier, wild currant and plum bushes, grapevines, and wild gooseberries. The trail passed over a ridge a quarter of a mile from the stream, but before making camp, he’d turned aside so everyone could fill their barrels with its refreshing water.

  The new leadership under Dr. Kessling, Vernon Edwards, and Morley Sumner had managed to smooth over some of the antagonism between the factions while Wilma’s safe delivery was a cause for general celebration. Colby was making a last-minute check with Ethan, who’d volunteered for night guard duty in place of Paul Hill who wanted to stay with his wife and new babies.

  “Everything’s quiet,” Ethan said from his perch on a mound above the small valley where the animals grazed. “Some of the oxen have lain down.”

  “You shouldn’t have to worry about a stampede, but don’t doze off. There are pumas around here, and they love mule meat.”

  “I have my rifle. I’m a good shot.”

  “Who’s your relief?”

  “Norman.”

  “Let me know if he doesn’t show up.”

  “I’m not afraid to go get him.”

  “I know, but you’ll need somebody here while you do it.”

  Ethan grinned. “You don’t like him, do you?”

  “I don’t like what he’s done. He might be a decent man if he wasn’t so wrapped up in his money.”

  “He’ll never be decent. I don’t know why Sibyl married him. I mean, I know why she did it, but Naomi nearly had a fit. Sibyl wouldn’t listen to anything she said. That upset Naomi because they’d always been close.”

  Colby was uncomfortable hearing details he didn’t want to know. “It’s time I head off to bed. I want to get moving early tomorrow.”

  It was a short walk back to the circled wagons, but Colby was tempted to pause and enjoy the night. It could hide many dangers, but could set everything else at a distance, leaving him able to see himself more clearly than he could in the daytime with so many demands on him.