Far from the Madding Crowd

by Pan Zador

  “I will not kiss you!” he said pushing her away.

  Had the wife now but gone no further. Yet, perhaps, under the harrowing circumstances, to speak out was the one wrong act which can be better understood, if not forgiven in her, than the right and politic one, her rival being now but a corpse. All the feeling she had been betrayed into showing she drew back to herself again by a strenuous effort of self-command.

  “What have you to say as your reason?” she asked, her bitter voice being strangely low — quite that of another woman now.

  “I have to say that I have been a bad, black-hearted man,” he answered.

  “And that this woman is your victim; and I not less than she.”

  “Ah! don’t taunt me, madam. This woman is more to me, dead as she is, than ever you were, or are, or can be. If Satan had not tempted me with that face of yours, and those cursed coquetries, I should have married her. I never had another thought till you came in my way. Would to God that I had; but it is all too late!” He turned to Fanny then. “But never mind, darling,” he said; “in the sight of Heaven you are my very, very wife!”

  At these words there arose from Bathsheba’s lips a long, low cry of measureless despair and indignation, such a wail of anguish as had never before been heard within those old-inhabited walls. It was the death-cry of her union with Troy.

  “If she is — that, — what — am I? she added, as a continuation of the same cry, and sobbing pitifully: and the rarity with her of such abandonment only made the condition more dire.

  “You are nothing to me — nothing,” said Troy, heartlessly. “A ceremony before a priest doesn’t make a marriage. I am not morally yours.”

  “But I am yours, Frank, in the sight of God and in my heart, I am yours, and I am as warm and alive as this sad creature is cold and dead.”’

  Bathsheba, hardly knowing what she did, unlaced the fastenings of the cloak she wore from her earlier expedition to Gabriel Oak’s cottage, and, in full sight of the coffin and the marbled figures therein, laid open her blouse. Her panting breaths revealed twin globes of rosy flesh, but, not content with this, she drew her arms out of her sleeves and, naked from the waist up, displayed herself to him boldly, as a white swan on the lake might surrender her long neck to her cob, inviting his advances.

  “Kiss me, Frank, kiss me, I entreat you,” was the wild cry that burst from her lips, and, in a last violent effort to have him, she flung herself between his astonished figure and the coffin.

  “Would you profane this altar?” he murmured, staring fixedly in his tranced state at the waxen features of Fanny, who lay as serene in her coffin, clasping her little boy to her breast, as any statue of the Virgin.

  “Come to me, hold me, take me”’ was her only reply, holding out her arms to keep him from her rival, to recapture him, to snare him back into life.

  “Ah, would you stoop to this? A woman of the regiment would have more shame; a used and battered thing of the streets would not go so low,” and Troy felt the purity of his deep grief slipping away, and with it, the last of Fanny. The better part of him, his truer instinct, was being stolen by this witch, and in its place a cold rage burned. He took the proffered arm and, before she could draw breath, he bent it behind her back and hauled her into the next room — and how willingly she went, for, in anger or in hatred, no matter at what cost, she thought thus to win him back.

  The room was empty save for a thin carpet, and Bathsheba made ready to lie herself down upon it, but he wrenched her arm with such force that she cried out and stayed standing.

  “You want me?” Troy said.

  “I want you as never before. O, kiss me, Frank, and love me a little, for I cannot bear to be set aside for a dead woman, when I love you so entirely.”

  “Love? You know not what the word means, you are a shallow, empty vessel, and I would defile Fanny to take you in that room, before her and her blessed child, lying so perfect and so innocent in her coffin. If it be your wish to be ridden now, in these sad circumstances, then let drop your skirt and let me see the goods I have so dearly paid for.”

  Bathsheba was already beginning to have regrets that she had started a course of action that would only result in her humiliation, but how else was she to burn away the memory of her rival? In a free and hot display of natural lust, would not the pale shade of Fanny fade into the greyness of unbeing?

  With hasty fingers she undid her skirt, and once more she made to lay herself down, but he grasped her by both arms, cruelly pinching her, making her stand upright before him.

  “Not so fast, madam. You’ll see how we soldiers take our women. Standing is easy for a practised whore. On street corners we fuck them, by walls and ditches, sometimes with our comrades cheering us on. And hear this well, you pitiful fireside harlot; such coupling is always swift, brutal and free from any taint of love.”

  He held her against him, unbuttoned himself, lifted her underskirt, and in a moment drove hard into her, both of them standing, and she, almost swooning, felt her legs buckle, but he clasped her still harder, and forced her back against the plaster wall of the room, driving ever more fiercely into her with no kisses, no kind words or looks of tenderness.

  And Bathsheba, though her eyes were shut tight, had no moment of triumph, no escape from the torments of her mind. She was forced to behold in her inward eye, rising before her like a spectre, the pale and chaste tableau of saintly Fanny and her little baby, dead, beautiful and young for ever. Try as she might to banish this vision, it was always Fanny’s face before her, Fanny’s timid voice in her ear, and Fanny’s angelic form looking down from her place in heaven with no reproach or sorrow in her eyes — no, far worse than that, it was simple pity.

  There was no pleasure to be had in this congress, no softness, and even the meagre satisfaction of having distracted Troy from reverent worship of his dead wife was denied her, for at the last, he cried out Fanny’s name, and in his blind misery, he felt the joyless spending of his seed in this unworthy body was also the funeral rite for his little son, the only issue he would ever desire.

  In the abject depths of her unhappy state, pleasure was the sacrifice Bathsheba offered to Fanny’s memory. What right had she to be alive, to love, to feel the rippling delights of conjugal connection? She would not ask him ever again to dully enact the duties of a husband, for, from this moment, she did not doubt that any feeling he may have once had for her was dead and buried.

  He drew himself out of her, and let her fall to the ground. As he buttoned himself, he felt the wretchedness of guilt overwhelm him, but not for any wrong to Bathsheba; only for the betrayal of the purest love he had ever known.

  “I say again to you, wife in name only, that Fanny Robin is more to me, dead as she is, than you ever were, or are, or can be. Do you hear me now?”

  She made no answer, and he contemptuously pushed her with his foot, as one might a spaniel.

  “Do you hear my words? I wish they might be the last you ever hear from me.”

  “O dear God, Frank, have some pity! you destroy me, you have broken me!”

  “You have destroyed yourself.”

  And Troy passed from the room. Whither he was bound she could not tell, but to be alone with him in this house was no longer to be borne.

  A vehement impulse to flee from him, to run from this place, hide, and escape his words at any price, not stopping short of death itself, mastered Bathsheba now. She waited not an instant, but turned to the door and ran out.

  CHAPTER XLIV

  UNDER A TREE — REACTION

  Bathsheba went along the dark road, sore and aching from the final thrusts of Troy’s cock into her, and neither knowing nor caring about the direction or issue of her flight. The first time that she definitely noticed her position was when she reached a gate leading into a thicket overhung by some large oak and beech trees. On look
ing into the place, it occurred to her that she had seen it by daylight on some previous occasion, and that what appeared like an impassable thicket was in reality a brake of fern now withering fast. She could think of nothing better to do with her palpitating self than to go in here and hide; and entering, she lighted on a spot sheltered from the damp fog by a reclining trunk, where she sank down upon a tangled couch of fronds and stems. She mechanically pulled some armfuls round her to keep off the breezes, and closed her eyes.

  Whether she slept or not that night Bathsheba was not clearly aware. But it was with a freshened existence and a cooler brain that, a long time afterwards, she became conscious of some interesting proceedings which were going on in the trees above her head and around.

  A coarse-throated chatter was the first sound.

  It was a sparrow just waking.

  Next: “Chee-weeze-weeze-weeze!” from another retreat.

  It was a finch.

  Third: “Tink-tink-tink-tink-a-chink!” from the hedge.

  It was a robin.

  “Chuck-chuck-chuck!” overhead.

  A squirrel.

  Then, from the road, “With my ra-ta-ta, and my rum-tum-tum!”

  It was a ploughboy. Presently he came opposite, and she believed from his voice that he was one of the boys on her own farm. He was followed by a shambling tramp of heavy feet, and looking through the ferns Bathsheba could just discern in the wan light of daybreak a team of her own horses. They stopped to drink at a pond on the other side of the way. She watched them flouncing into the pool, drinking, tossing up their heads, drinking again, the water dribbling from their lips in silver threads. There was another flounce, and they came out of the pond, and turned back again towards the farm.

  She looked further around. Day was just dawning, and beside its cool air and colours her heated actions and resolves of the night stood out in lurid contrast. She perceived that in her lap, and clinging to her hair, were red and yellow leaves which had come down from the tree and settled silently upon her during her partial sleep. Bathsheba shook her dress to get rid of them, when multitudes of the same family lying round about her rose and fluttered away in the breeze thus created, “like ghosts from an enchanter fleeing.”

  There was an opening towards the east, and the glow from the as yet unrisen sun attracted her eyes thither. From her feet, and between the beautiful yellowing ferns with their feathery arms, the ground sloped downwards to a hollow, in which was a species of swamp, dotted with fungi. A morning mist hung over it now — a fulsome yet magnificent silvery veil, full of light from the sun, yet semi-opaque — the hedge behind it being in some measure hidden by its hazy luminousness. Up the sides of this depression grew sheaves of the common rush, and here and there a peculiar species of flag, the blades of which glistened in the emerging sun, like scythes. But the general aspect of the swamp was malignant. From its moist and poisonous coat seemed to be exhaled the essences of evil things in the earth, and in the waters under the earth. The fungi grew in all manner of positions from rotting leaves and tree stumps, some exhibiting to her listless gaze their clammy tops, others their oozing gills. Some were marked with great splotches, red as arterial blood, others were saffron yellow, and others tall and attenuated, with stems like macaroni. Some were leathery and of richest browns. The hollow seemed a nursery of pestilences small and great, in the immediate neighbourhood of comfort and health, and Bathsheba arose with a tremor at the thought of having passed the night on the brink of so dismal a place.

  There were now other footsteps to be heard along the road. Bathsheba’s nerves were still unstrung: she crouched down out of sight again, and the pedestrian came into view. He was a schoolboy, with a bag slung over his shoulder containing his dinner, and a book in his hand. He paused by the gate, and, without looking up, continued murmuring words in tones quite loud enough to reach her ears.

  “’O Lord, O Lord, O Lord, O Lord, O Lord’ — that I know out o’ book. ‘Give us, give us, give us, give us, give us’ — that I know. ‘Grace that, grace that, grace that, grace that’ — that I know.” Other words followed to the same effect. The boy was of the dunce class apparently; the book was a psalter, and this was his way of learning the collect. In the worst attacks of trouble there appears to be always a superficial film of consciousness which is left disengaged and open to the notice of trifles, and Bathsheba was faintly amused at the boy’s method, till he too passed on.

  By this time stupor had given place to anxiety, and anxiety began to make room for hunger and thirst. A form now appeared upon the rise on the other side of the swamp, half-hidden by the mist, and came towards Bathsheba. The woman — for it was a woman — approached with her face askance, as if looking earnestly on all sides of her. When she got a little further round to the left, and drew nearer, Bathsheba could see the newcomer’s profile against the sunny sky, and knew the wavy sweep from forehead to chin, with neither angle nor decisive line anywhere about it, to be the familiar contour of Liddy Smallbury.

  Bathsheba’s heart bounded with gratitude in the thought that she was not altogether deserted, and she jumped up. “Oh, Liddy!” she said, or attempted to say; but the words had only been framed by her lips; there came no sound. She had lost her voice by exposure to the clogged atmosphere all these hours of night.

  “Oh, ma’am! I am so glad I have found you,” said the girl, as soon as she saw Bathsheba.

  “You can’t come across,” Bathsheba said in a whisper, which she vainly endeavoured to make loud enough to reach Liddy’s ears. Liddy, not knowing this, stepped down upon the swamp, saying, as she did so, “It will bear me up, I think.”

  Bathsheba never forgot that transient little picture of Liddy crossing the swamp to her there in the morning light. Iridescent bubbles of dank subterranean breath rose from the sweating sod beside the waiting-maid’s feet as she trod, hissing as they burst and expanded away to join the vapoury firmament above. Liddy did not sink, as Bathsheba had anticipated.

  She landed safely on the other side, and looked up at the beautiful though pale and weary face of her young mistress.

  “Poor thing!” said Liddy, with tears in her eyes, “Do hearten yourself up a little, ma’am. However did — ”

  “I can’t speak above a whisper — my voice is gone for the present,” said Bathsheba, hurriedly. “I suppose the damp air from that hollow has taken it away. Liddy, don’t question me, mind. Who sent you — anybody?”

  “Nobody. I thought, when I found you were not at home, that something cruel had happened. I fancy I heard his voice late last night; and so, knowing something was wrong — ”

  “Is he at home?”

  “No; he left just before I came out.”

  “Is Fanny taken away?”

  “Not yet. She will soon be — at nine o’clock.”

  “We won’t go home at present, then. Suppose we walk about in this wood?”

  Liddy, without exactly understanding everything, or anything, in this episode, assented, and they walked together further among the trees.

  “But you had better come in, ma’am, and have something to eat. You will die of a chill!”

  “I shall not come indoors yet — perhaps never.”

  “Shall I get you something to eat, and something else to put over your head besides that little shawl?”

  “If you will, Liddy.”

  Liddy vanished, and at the end of twenty minutes returned with a cloak, hat, some slices of bread and butter, a tea-cup, and some hot tea in a little china jug.

  “Is Fanny gone?” said Bathsheba.

  “No,” said her companion, pouring out the tea.

  Bathsheba wrapped herself up and ate and drank sparingly. Her voice was then a little clearer, and trifling colour returned to her face. “Now we’ll walk about again,” she said.

  They wandered about the wood for nearly t
wo hours, Bathsheba replying in monosyllables to Liddy’s prattle, for her mind ran on one subject, and one only. She interrupted with —

  “I wonder if Fanny is gone by this time?”

  “I will go and see.”

  She came back with the information that the men were just taking away the corpse; that Bathsheba had been inquired for; that she had replied to the effect that her mistress was unwell and could not be seen.

  “Then they think I am in my bedroom?”

  “Yes.” Liddy then ventured to add: “You said when I first found you that you might never go home again — you didn’t mean it, ma’am?”

  “No; I’ve altered my mind. It is only women with no pride in them who run away from their husbands. There is one position worse than that of being found dead in your husband’s house from his ill usage, and that is, to be found alive through having gone away to the house of somebody else. I’ve thought of it all this morning, and I’ve chosen my course. A runaway wife is an encumbrance to everybody, a burden to herself and a byword — all of which make up a heap of misery greater than any that comes by staying at home — though this may include the trifling items of insult, beating, and starvation. Liddy, if ever you marry — God forbid that you ever should! — you’ll find yourself in a fearful situation; but mind this, don’t you flinch. Stand your ground, and be cut to pieces. That’s what I’m going to do.”

  “Oh, mistress, don’t talk so!” said Liddy, taking her hand; “but I knew you had too much sense to bide away. May I ask what dreadful thing it is that has happened between you and him?”

  “You may ask; but I may not tell.”

  In about ten minutes they returned to the house by a circuitous route, entering at the rear. Bathsheba glided up the back stairs to a disused attic, and her companion followed.

  “Liddy,” she said, with a lighter heart, for youth and hope had begun to reassert themselves; “you are to be my confidante for the present — somebody must be — and I choose you. Well, I shall take up my abode here for a while. Will you get a fire lighted, put down a piece of carpet, and help me to make the place comfortable. Afterwards, I want you and Maryann to bring up that little stump bedstead in the small room, and the bed belonging to it, and a table, and some other things … What shall I do to pass the heavy time away?”