Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2)

by Haven Francis

  And then I remember the first time I saw her. The hope that came alive in me the first time I looked into her eyes and the dread I felt knowing that she would never be mine. I feel the relief as I walked into that art room at River Bluff high. I thought I’d never see the girl again. I thought she was headed to Chicago, but there she was, right in front of me. Guaranteed to be right in front of me every morning for at least one semester. Images of that year are flashing through my head. Her smile and her laughter, the friendship that developed between us. The peace that I felt in that town with her.

  If I hadn’t been so focused on getting home to Venice and so preoccupied with the fact that she was moving to Chicago, I would have seen that year for what it was - the year my life began. But I don’t know if that was the case for Jessa. I don’t think she was really allowed to start living until that night we crossed the border into Colorado.

  Her life is just beginning. It’s her time. Right now.

  And what does she want right now? What does she need? Does she need to be sitting on the sidelines while I do my thing, pursue my life? Does she need to be my sidekick while we travel around performing shows? Does she need to be PaxtonandJessa? No. Fuck no. She needs to be Jessa – the girl that is rediscovering her passions. The girl who is reliving her childhood aspirations.

  If she decides she wants to keep perusing her fashion design degree – she can do that here. If she decides she wants to do it in Chicago – hell, we can do that too. If she wants to go back to River Bluff and become a waitress – fine. But travailing around, city to city with a band is not where she needs to be. I know that. And I know that right now she wants to be here, and I think it’s where she belongs. In a place where she can see how real men treat women. In a place where she can feel the security of being surrounded by the love of a family.

  In some people’s eyes this life that I’ve been living with Gabriel could seem fucked up, and maybe it is. But if there is one thing I know it’s that I’m part of a family. A family that Rachel, or jail, or lack of resources couldn’t overtake. A family that is concrete and unbreakable and dependable. A family that Jessa and I need to surround us and support us. That we need to be close to.

  And if that’s all we do for right now – hunker down in a place where she can feel safe and secure – I think that’s okay. No, I won’t be heading a successful band, and yeah, her education will be on hold for a little while longer. But hell, maybe those aren’t the things we’re even supposed to be doing. How would we know what the fuck we are supposed to be doing? Neither of us ever really got a chance to even figure out what we want. Our life is just starting now. It’s time to live. Just live. And yeah, maybe we’ll be scrapping around for a couple of years – maybe she will work the front desk for Emilio and maybe I’ll have to pick up the iron and learn to ink properly. But right now ain’t about big life decisions. It’s not about a band. It’s about us. It’s about her. Right now is about building Jessa back up. About letting her find herself again and supporting her while she does that. It’s about her.

  And maybe it’s about me too. Maybe it’s time that I settle down and let myself live in some form of security. Because when I came back here the last time, I had my family but I didn’t feel complete. And when I went to Chicago I felt complete with Jessa but there was still a part of me that was missing. Right now is about sinking into this life. And, hell, maybe we’ll spend a few years regaining the childhood that was taken from both of us - fucking around and doing nothing productive but only things that make us happy. But I think that’s okay. I think we deserve it.

  This is her time. This is our time. Everything is clear.

  I make my way out of the snake run and into the mini bowl, popping out at the deck where Jessa is staring at me with a look of sheer awe and Santos is rolling his eyes because he thinks the way I dominated the skate park was to impress my girl.

  “Just clearing my head, asshole,” I tell him as I drop my board and hoist Jessa up onto my hips. She’s smiling down at me and I realize that her smiles have been bigger and brighter ever since we showed up at Gabriel’s front door.

  “Did it work?” she asks me.

  “Yeah, beso. It did.”

  “So…?”

  “It’s so obvious, I don’t know why I was even thinking about it.”

  “What was so obvious?” she asks and I can see the fear in her eyes.

  “You and me… we’re just a couple of rat scrounger kids. You know? Who needs a fucking job, right? I mean… you do-you’re gonna have to work for Emilio and I might have to too, but that’s not what we’re living for. We just gotta keep doing what we’re doing – living in this city, hanging out in the sun, living day by day. Being the kids we never got to be. Because this time we have each other and we’re gonna do our adolescence right. And we have my family – a bunch of guys that will have your back and protect you. All we gotta do is get up every day and live for nothing but each other.”

  Her legs clamp down around my hips and her fingers grasp a hold of my head. And then her face breaks out into the most amazing smile that touches her lips and her eyes and I know right then that things are perfect. That in the entire universes nothing at this moment is as perfect as us.

  Her mouth opens like she wants to speak, but all she does is squeal before pushing her lips into mine. I pull her into me and I kiss her like we are just a couple of kids making out, falling in love, living under the guise of a happily ever after. And then I realize that’s not what we are. We are two grown ass adults who have lived through the shit and can appreciate what this moment in our lives means. We are not two stupid kids taking shit for granted, but hell if we aren’t going to start living that life for a little while.

  “You cool with that plan?” I ask her when she pulls out of my mouth.

  She shakes her head at me like this is all unbelievable.

  “If this is what you wanted, beso, why didn’t you just say so?”

  “I just want you to have what you need, Pax. I mean, you deserve everything you want. It’s time for you to finally start living the life you want and if that means devoting yourself to your music and the band, then I want you to have that.”

  “That’s exactly the shit that was running through my head… about you. I want you to have everything you need. And if what you need right now is a little more time to breath, time to figure out what you really want out of life, then, shit beso, that’s perfect cause right now all I want to worry about is you. I don’t want to have to think about anything but you.”

  A tear falls from her eye then: something I haven’t seen since that night in the hotel room after she told me about Coach Benson. I wipe it away and feel my eyebrows pinching together.

  “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not sad – obviously. You’re just... making everything better. Perfect. You just keep giving me all kinds of things I never even knew I wanted.”

  “I think that’s just gonna be the way shit goes now, beso. Every day we’re just gonna keep discovering beautiful things that we never even knew existed, that we never even knew we wanted.”

  “All we gotta worry about is us,” she whispers, shaking her head like she can’t quite wrap her brain about it.

  “Us and Natalie’s wedding,” I remind her.

  “Yeah. Us, then the wedding for a few days. Then back to us.”

  “Right. This is our home, but we can go back to Minnesota whenever we need to. Because that’s where we found each other, and that’s where all kinds of people live who love you. And I can almost guarantee you we won’t even have to go visit Chicago because I’m pretty sure Vi already has hers and all the guy’s bags packed. And if they find themselves here, we can have jam sessions in Gabriel’s back yard with him and his vatos. But right now, at least for a while, our life is not about a band. Our life is about us.”

  “It’s just beginning,” she says, grabbing a hold of my face, the smile of elation back on hers.

  “I will live and die devo
ted to you. And your happiness. And our life together,” I tell her, knowing that I never really understood what that statement meant until Jessa became mine. I’ve thrown those four words out more times than I can count. It was our family motto – we would live and die devoted to each other and this city that was part of us. I understood it, what it meant to Gabriel and Emilio. But it was more about pride. More about staying true to an attitude and a location and a way of life and a name. But with Jessa it’s so much more literal. I will live each day devoted to her happiness. Everything I do will be for her – to make sure she is happy and she has everything she needs in this life. And I will do this until the day I die. I will live and die completely devoted to something for the first time in my life. To her. To us.

  “That’s okay Pax, ‘cause I’m gonna do the same thing for you.”

  The End

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you so much for reading Inside of You (I’m going to assume you read Part of Me also, so double thank you!). If you are curious about Jessa and Paxton’s past in River Bluff, I have included the first three chapters of Danny and Emily’s first book, Love Is Relative.

  No matter what my game plan is when I begin to write a book, my stories always seem to become two books. The first one is generally centered on the characters’ physical desire for one another, which is natural – in most relationship, especially when you are in your early twenties, that’s how relationships start – you want the other person. You want to be touched and kissed by them. I just always hope and pray that my readers will stay with me through the second book because it’s always where the relationship becomes more emotional and meaningful. So thank you for sticking with me through the second book. I truly hope it was worth it for you. I know it was for me. I honestly fell in love with these two and it was really depressing for me when I typed the words The End on this book.

  If you’ve read the acknowledgements or dedications in any of my previous books you will know that the thing I am most grateful for is each and every one of my readers. As an independent author I don’t have a team of editors, proofreaders, publishers, publicists, book designers or cheerleaders surrounding me. But I have discovered that there is this world of book lovers out there who are willing to rally around independent authors and I think that is especially true in the New Adult romance genre. Strangers will email you and politely point out your typos (yes, I really had someone do this for me when I published my first book. She took the time to type all of my typos and email them to me), bloggers will feature your book and tweet about it and write beautiful reviews without you asking them to, strangers will connect with you and tell you how your story affected them, people on goodreads will converse with each other about your book and encourage their friends to read it, and people will take time out of there day to go on Amazon and write a review (yes, this is still the best support you can give an author!).

  Somehow I got lucky enough to find all of these amazing qualities all rolled into one in the form of my beta readers. When I published my first novel in October, I couldn’t have told you what the terms “beta reader” or “ARC” meant, but now these terms are very meaningful to me. Thank you to Joyce, Krista, Krystal, Heather, Cassie, Jillian, Diana, Elaine, Linda and Natalie. I appreciate your opinions, your editing skills and your encouragement more than I could ever tell you.

  I’m always grateful to my children and my husband because they are my greatest support. More than ever, with Part of Me and Inside of You, their lives have been affected by my wiring. Note to self: make sure whatever book you’re working on is finished and published before school is out! Every day I hear the words, “Mom, why are you always on your computer?” and, “Leave mommy alone, she has to concentrate on her book.” Needless to say, the house is not as clean as I would like it to be and meals are not as well thought out as I would prefer, but things would be completely out of hand if it wasn’t for the fact that my husband is willing to pick up the slack because he’s just an awesome person. But, yeah, sometimes we just ship the kids off to grandma and grandpa’s for the night (thanks mom and dad!). And can I just say that it’s immensely rewarding to read the amazing stories my nine year old daughter writes because she wants to be a writer, like her mom, when she grows up. She seems to be heading in the sci-fi direction, which is totally cool with me. I mean, I love that she wants to write like her mom, but I don’t really want to write like her mom.

  Usually by the time I publish a book I’m already pretty deep into my next story but at the moment that’s not the case. I could blame summer, or the fact that I still feel attached to Paxton or Jessa or the other fact that there are three books that have been sitting on my computer since well before I ever published Love Is Relative that deserve to see the light of day and I really think I should be working on them but the idea of editing anything right now makes me want to throw up. The only thing I know is that you should expect to see a lot more from me. You can follow my progress through my blog www.mynewadultromance.blogspot.com, twitter @haven_francis or through my goodreads author page. I LOVE hearing from my readers- you can email me at havenfrancis@comcast.net.

  Love Is Relative

  a novel

  Haven Francis

  Prologue - The First Kiss

  I hold onto Emily as if my life depends on it. I can’t seem to shake this feeling of urgency that’s been taking over my mind and body the past couple of days. She doesn’t seem to mind the way I cling to her. The way I won’t let her out of my sight. It makes me wonder if it’s okay to feel the way I do about her. It makes me wonder if she feels the same way. These things, these questions that have been on my mind the past few months, are suddenly all I care about.

  Can Emily be more than my friend? Does she love me the same way that I love her?

  I look down at her face that is so familiar yet looks so different to me now. She is the same girl that has been my neighbor, my best friend, for my entire life and yet I never seemed to realize how beautiful this face is. I brush my fingers across the smooth skin on her cheek and her eyes flutter open. She gives me a lazy smile as if she had forgotten she was lying in my arms. “I think I fell asleep for a minute,” she whispers.

  “Sleep if you need too; there’s nothing we have to do,” I tell her as my hand moves down her neck and into her hair.

  “I was dreaming of you.” Her eyelids are heavy, her hand moves to my bare chest.

  “What was I doing?”

  “We were here, at the river.” She pauses as if that’s all she has to say.

  “Let me guess, you finally out-backstroked me to the Willow tree?”

  “No,” she says, looking into my eyes, making me nervous. “You kissed me.”

  “Yeah?” I ask, surprised… hopeful.

  “Yeah. It was nice.”

  My hand moves back up her neck, my thumb brushes over her full lips that I have dreamt about kissing every damn night since April. I stare at her mouth, her parted lips, before lowering myself to her. I let my lips feel hers… rest on them. Her breath seeps into my mouth and I think about how incredible that feels, before I take her lips in mine.

  I kiss her slowly, taking in every unbelievable sensation that I feel. She kisses back with her warm, soft, fat lips. I savor the feel of her lips completely before letting my tongue taste them. As soon as that happens I can’t move slowly anymore. She tastes good and she likes my tongue on her lips, in her mouth; her fingers pull at my skin, her tongue enters my mouth and I feel like I’m about to fall apart. It all feels so much better than my half-assed imagination lead me to believe it would.

  I want to kiss her, I want to keep kissing her forever, but I have to tell her something. I pull out of her mouth and she grasps me tighter. I’m breathing too heavily and having trouble forming my words as I look at her desperate eyes. “I love you, Emily.” I need her to know this more than I need to touch her right now. I need her to know that I’m in love with her.

  Her expression shifts into confusion�
� possibly amusement, I’m not sure. “I know that, Danny. I love you too.” She leans into me, ready to end this conversation, but I need to make sure she understands.

  “Not like a friend, Em. Not like I always have. I love you as in I need you, I want you. I need you to be mine.”

  “Like your girlfriend?” She lets out a laugh.

  “Yes. Like that.”

  “Okay,” she tells me.

  “Does that freak you out? I mean, do you think we’ll be okay, if we’re not just friends?”

  “Who would we love, if not each other? Isn’t this where we were always headed? Can you stop talking now and kiss me?”

  I smile at her, this perfect girl that I’ve always loved. She’s right; it’s always been us. Who would we be if not each other’s? I do what she says and kiss her again. Emily. My girlfriend. The girl that I love. The girl that loves me back.

  Chapter 1 - Emily

  “Are you coming to class?” Willow asks as she peeks into my dormitory room.

  “Not today,” I tell her, trying to sound cordial.

  “You realize you’re going to end up on kitchen duty for a month if you keep this up,” she informs me.

  “Does it really matter what menial task I’m performing?” I sound depressed, which I am. I am completely and utterly depressed.

  “Kitchen duty is the worst of them.”

  And this is true. Cleaning dirty dishes in a humid, stinky kitchen when the weather in this God forsaken place is never anything but a sunny ninety-degrees is the most vomit-inducing job around, but truly they all suck. And anyway, I’m not planning on being around for dinner. When I don’t respond Willow gives up. “Okay, well I’m going to class.” When I remain silent she walks away.