by Chelle Bliss
My phone chimed while I was collecting my supplies for my next install. I threw the shit in the truck unable to wait to see what Sophia had said. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the screen.
Tammy: You should know that I miss you.
Tammy? I’ve never been with a Tammy. Never fucked or dated one.
Me: I don’t know you.
Tammy: Not so much anymore.
Me: I know that saying. What do you want, Lisa?
She was persistent and sneaky. She had a fake account with a picture of a horse as the profile photo and a generic name. Unknowingly, I accepted her friend request a while back and never knew it.
Tammy: I want to stop thinking about you all the time… You should know that I miss you. I want you back.
Me: Look, we did what we did. But now, I’ve found the perfect woman. Hopefully you’ll find your perfect man someday.
Tammy: I was always picking you up every time. Remember that Kayden, I was always there for you. The past doesn’t matter. I want you back in my life. I love you.
Me: You gave up on us long before I figured it out. You kicked me out and had me arrested. You fucked me in more ways than one.
Tammy: Can’t we start over? I want you… only you.
Me: I don’t want you, Lisa. I am in love with Sophia. Leave me alone, us alone. You tried to break us up once, and it didn’t work. What’s wrong, is your boyfriend not around? Is he not as passionate as I was?
Tammy: You always did know just want to say to make me remember who you really are. Passionate maybe, compassionate never.
Me: I should’ve never let you back in my life after having me arrested. You threw me out like a piece of trash. Can’t have your cake and eat it too. I’ve always been nothing but honest with you.
Tammy: Never mind. It’s sad that you’re so mean now. Just remember though, I love you and miss you.
My stomach turned flashing back to the night of my arrest.
The night crawled as I watched the minutes tick by on the small black and white clock outside my cell. I rested my body on the hard bed, but my mind raced… I needed to figure out a way to make her happy, and maybe she would take me back.
The guard arrived outside my cell early in the morning to escort me to court. I was granted bond and my mother had found a bail bondsman to post in on my behalf. I would have a couple of weeks to meet with my public defender before my appearance in court.
Lisa contacted me shortly after my release. She’d take me back if I agreed to pay her back anything that I destroyed. My heart was overjoyed, and never cared about the money, only Lisa. The public defender said I would be placed on probation and would have to pay restitution to Lisa through the courts if I plead guilty, but Lisa didn’t have the ability to stop the case from moving forward. I just wanted it to be over and to be with Lisa again.
My trial day arrived and I plead guilty and didn’t contest the charges.
“The court accepts your plea, Mr. Michaels. I am withholding adjudication until after your probationary period. Complete your probation and pay court ordered restitution and your record will be cleared and no guilt will be placed upon your record,” the judge said.
My pulse was increasing, and my heart was stammering with the news.
“Also, I am placing a no-contact order on the property and Ms. Jackson. You are not allowed within fifty yards of said property or Ms. Jackson herself. Am I clear Mr. Michaels?” the judge asked.
My heart sank, nausea overcame me, and I felt lightheaded. I couldn’t go home and couldn’t be with Lisa or I’d break probation and be forced to serve jail time. My body was numb.
“Mr. Michaels, do you understand?” the judge asked again.
“Yes judge, I understand,” I said.
Court dismissed, and my lawyer held out his hand to shake mine. I looked at his hand and then to his face, trying to grasp the orders of the judge. My lawyer smiled, but nothing about the verdict, or lack thereof, caused me happiness. I walked past him without hesitation, into the hallway and collapsed on a bench. I had nothing and no one.
Lisa called me begging a couple of times to see me. She missed me, but I couldn’t travel to see her and risk being arrested. She came to NOLA—breaking the no-contact order. I was a dumbass to take a risk back then; it would have meant jail time. Every time she left, my heart was crushed. I felt like an ATM during her visits. She only wanted money besides the restitution. She would cry about not having enough money to pay the bills since I’d left, but I didn’t leave willingly. I gave her all the money I had when I saw her. I sent her money regularly through Western Union in between her visits. We talked daily and I thought we were still a couple.
Her last trip proved me wrong; she hid her phone or had it off. She placed calls when I wasn’t in her presence and was being sneaky. I wasn’t the only man in her life, and I knew I was being played as a fool. I ended it with Lisa and vowed to never allow myself to fall in love again.
Lisa destroyed me, and I’d been an active participant. Even after everything the bitch has put me through I still loved her afterward, until Sophia came into my life.
I had to tell Sophia about Lisa, I didn’t want to keep anything from her. I couldn’t risk losing the most precious thing in my life.
Me: Lisa is messaging me with a fake account. I’m sending you the screen shots.
I wanted to be honest with her, and she needed to know that Lisa was still trying to contact me and that the feelings weren’t mutual. My phone rang, Sophia was calling.
“Hey, baby.”
“Save the messages Kayden,” she said to me.
“Why?” I asked her with curiosity.
“You may need them later to prove that she’s contacting you,” she told me.
“She’s allowed to contact me, but I’m not allowed to contact her in any way,” I informed her.
“Do you still love her, Kayden?” Sophia asked me with a hint of sadness in her voice.
“I love only you, Sophia. My feelings for Lisa vanished long ago. She crushed any love I had for her. She’s a sneaky bitch,” I told her firmly.
“Okay. Just be careful what you say to her. Ignore her whenever possible. I couldn’t deal with you going to jail.”
“I won’t. She would never turn me in for the messages she sent me. They aren’t even from her account; they were sent from a fake account,” I told her, hoping to calm her nerves.
I stored all the screen shots on my tablet. I had little hope they would be of any use, but Sophia asked me to do it.
Change of Plans
Fall was in full swing and I was excited for Halloween and all things fall. I was decorating the library for the students. There wasn’t really a fall in Florida, the leaves didn’t change and the air didn’t cool until well after Thanksgiving. I climbed off the ladder as I heard my phone chirp.
Kayden: I’ve been told to stop working... I just got a call from the main office.
Me: What? Why?
Kayden: They said there was an issue with my drug test or background check, I didn’t really understand. It’s bullshit. Let me call some of the guys and see what’s up. BRB.
Nothing had changed since his employment with the company began. His past was finally coming back to haunt him even though it had been a year and a half since the incident with his ex-girlfriend, Lisa. There had to be some mistake or a mix-up with the paperwork.
Kayden: Okay… five other people pulled off the job too. Headquarters came in, did an audit, and found an error in my file. I’m fucked, Sophia. I was told they’re cracking down on background. I may not have a job anymore. Fuck.
Me: There must be a mistake. They’ll straighten it out. Don’t panic yet.
I wanted to puke; I became ill with the thought of his world unraveling.
Kayden: I don’t know what I’ll do without work. I need to make some more calls and grab dinner. I’ll call you when I get home, okay?
Me: Yes, love. Take your time.
Sitting on my bed, I chewed my nails, staring at the wall.
What the fuck is he going to do? Where would he go? He lived in company housing after all, would they kick him out?
The thoughts swirling through my mind only heightened my anxiety. I needed to release some stress and decided to go for a run.
Kayden called me hours later.
“Hey,” I said answering the phone.
“Hi, baby doll. I’m making dinner and talking to the guys.” I could hear a chopping noise in the background and loud male voices. “I’ll text you around nine to Skype. We’re talking about work, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. Is that okay?”
I wrinkled my nose annoyed that I was being brushed off. “Yes, don’t forget about me.”
“Babe, how could I ever forget about you? We’re just having a couple drinks and bullshitting. I’ll text, promise.”
“I love you, Kayden,” I said, wishing I could touch him in this moment.
“I love you, too, baby doll. Talk in a bit.” The line went dead.
I tried to keep myself busy reading books and watching television, but nothing took my mind off the Kayden. He hasn’t sent me a message in hours. I flipped my phone in my hand, debating on sending him a text first, but I couldn’t resist any longer.
Me: Hey it’s almost nine. Are we going to Skype tonight, lover?
Nothing. What the fuck? Kayden has never ignored me. I texted him again, pacing around the room panicking. Silence.
Maybe his cell phone battery died. I sent him a message to his tablet; I called his phone, letting it ring over ten times since he didn’t have voicemail. No answer. My heart sank. What happened to him? We hadn’t missed an evening since we met. He never disappeared. I felt lost and helpless with the distance between us.
My anger started to grow and I needed to calm my nerves. Where was he? Who was he with? I couldn’t let my mind wander and question his faithfulness. Why did I have to be so insecure when it came to Kayden?
I mixed some vodka with whatever else I could find in the fridge, anything to make it slide down easier. I’ve never been a drinker, but I need the edge dulled. I swigged a mouthful of the fruity concoction, closing my eyes, and swallowed. The liquid slid down my throat, warming my body from the inside.
“Hey.” I jumped, startled by Suzy’s voice.
“Jesus, you scared the shit out of me,” I said, almost choking on my drink.
“What’s wrong?” She asked.
“Kayden… He may have lost his job,” I said taking another sip of my drink. “We were supposed to Skype tonight, but he’s disappeared.”
“Wait. What? He lost his job?”
“I just don’t know anything right now. I can’t get in touch with him. I’m going crazy, Suzy.” Suzy sat at the counter and watched me. “He was talking with the guys and making dinner last time I heard from him. That was over three hours ago.”
“I’m sure he’ll call you, Sophia. Kayden adores you, don’t freak out… yet.” She tried to console me.
Her words didn’t help, only making my anger grow. Kayden knew how important seeing him every night had become to me, didn’t he? I’ve slept with my webcam on for over a month, always able to roll over and see him or talk to him… not tonight. I felt unimportant.
Kayden and I had sent songs to express our feelings to each other throughout our relationship. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me tonight. I selected a song that I knew would be a punch to his gut. I sent him the link to ‘Never There’ by Cake. It’s a brutal song, but conveyed my feelings at the moment perfectly. Let him choke on it for a bit. I hit send.
“Fuck it. I’m going to bed, Suzy.” I couldn’t tell Suzy what I just sent to Kayden. I already regretted it.
“Okay, but he’ll call, it’ll all work out,” she said with sadness in her eyes.
“I’ll see you in the morning. Thanks, Suzy.” I walked towards my room staring at my phone, wishing I could cancel my last message.
I crawled into bed, cocooning myself in the blankets, shutting the world out. My eyes grew heavy from the never ending tears.
I tossed and turned all night, unable to stop my mind from thinking the worst. I checked my phone over a dozen times, but Kayden never replied. I must have drifted off at some point, because the next thing I knew ten a.m. displayed on the clock.
I forced myself to get up; I needed caffeine. I felt numb and my mind hazy. I heard my phone chirp from the kitchen. I turned my attention away from the brewing pot to the hallway. I wanted to run to see if it was Kayden, but I didn’t want to seem too eager. He’s turned me into a crazy person in a short time. I’ve never acted like this before with anyone. I walked slowly to my room and grabbed my phone unable to resist the urge to talk to him any longer.
Kayden: Morning, beautiful. Sorry I fell asleep last night.
How should I respond to him? I didn’t know what to say, or how to deal with someone like him.
Kayden: WTF with the song, babe?
I swallowed hard because I knew it was a scathing song. I knew it would hurt him. When I sent it, I didn’t give a fuck.
Me: It fit how I felt last night. I’m sorry.
Kayden: It’s mean… It starts out sweet, but it was like a slap in the face.
I felt like a total piece of shit. He had a shitty day and I was being a bitch.
Me: You didn’t just fall asleep last night, Kayden.
Kayden: I know. We were talking and drinking and I came in my room to call you, but I must have passed out or fallen asleep.
Me: Why didn’t you call this morning instead of text? Have a hangover?
I knew my remark sounded snide, but I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to be the one he turned to, he leaned on.
Kayden: A bit. Let me get up and get myself straight and I’ll call you in a bit.
Me: Fine, but don’t forget about me this time.
Kayden: I could NEVER forget about you.
I already felt left behind, forgotten.
Me: Felt like it last night.
Kayden: I’m sorry, Sophia. I’ll make it up to you.
Me: Call me in a bit, I’m going to have some coffee and I have things to do.
Kayden: Ok, baby doll. I’ll talk to you in a bit.
I wanted to throw my phone or slap him in the face. The anger inside me hadn’t subsided from last night.
Me: Ok. I’ll be around.
Kayden: I love you.
I knew he loved me, but I didn’t feel important anymore. He always made me feel like I was the center of his universe, a vital part of his day, but that feeling had vanished.
Me: Love you too.
I dressed, grabbing my coffee and headed for the door. I wanted to keep myself busy today. It was a Saturday and I hoped that Kayden and I would spend much of the day Skyping. He never had a day off when we’re apart and I wanted to take advantage of every minute available. I wanted to get my errands done quickly to free up my afternoon for him.
My phone rang a couple hours later on the way to my last stop. Kayden’s name appeared on my screen and my heart thumped in my chest like it always did when seeing his name. He hadn’t forgotten about me.
“Heyyyy,” he said.
“Hi. Whatcha been doing?” I asked.
“Listening to this fucking song,” he slurred.
Fuck, was he drunk? My heart sank.
“Have you been drinking already?”
“A bit, but I can’t stop listening to this song. It’s so fucking mean, Sophia.”
“Jesus, really? How much have you had already?”
“Enough.” I heard ‘Never There’ in the background.
“Fucking amazing. I can’t believe you are drinking this early, Kayden.” I closed my eyes, a sense of doom filled me. “Call me back when you get sober.” I clicked off the phone.
It’s morning, but he had already drank enough for it to affect him. Is this how he handled a crisis? What more didn’t I know about Kayden—drinking alo
ne and drinking heavily? He disappeared again, I assumed he passed out. I finished my errands and returned home.
Throughout the day sporadic text messages popped up on my phone from Kayden, none of them making sense. He never stuck around long enough to hold a conversation, although I doubt he had the ability to form a coherent thought.
“Hey.” Suzy knocked on my bedroom door.
“Come in, Suzy.”
“Let’s go. Get ready; the girls will be here in an hour. We’re all going out.” Suzy stated firmly.
“I don’t feel like it, Suzy.” I shook my head.
“You’re not sitting here all night waiting for him. Up, come on.” She pulled my arm to get me moving.
I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t want to sit home and worry about him; he didn’t seem to worry about me. Suzy was right, I needed to get out and enjoy some time with my girls.
“Okay. I’ll get ready,” I said, climbing off my bed to riffle through my closet.
Kayden had a bottle of booze to keep him company; I have my girlfriends to fill the void cause by his total absence. I’ll be damned if I stay home sitting by the phone waiting for his call.
The pattern continued for days, as we fought. When I would convince him to talk on the phone his speech was slurred and his words confusing. He rarely made sense, and I missed the man I had known before—the one that would make me shriek like a schoolgirl, the one that would talk to me until I fell asleep, and looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. Now I could barely hold a conversation with him. He denied his drunken stupor with stories about why he would disappear. I knew now what happened.
After a week of him drinking and disappearing, I scheduled an immediate impromptu flight to New Orleans on Friday after work. I needed to be with him, and he needed to be with me. I had always told myself I would never get involved with anyone that was an addict. I’d always steered clear of drugs during my life, but alcohol was everywhere. Could he control himself, or was he an alcoholic? I wanted to think that if he was, I had the ability to save him. I wanted to be the good in his life that made him want to change. I needed to talk with him and find out exactly what was happening. I loved Kayden, and I was in too deep to turn my back on him.