Untangle Me

by Chelle Bliss

“I used to have a drinking problem and sought help after my arrest,” I stated.

  “I had no idea,” she said sadly.

  “That’s because I never mentioned it. I don’t usually say, “Hey, I’m Kayden, and I’m an alcoholic.” I had it under control. I don’t usually drink so much... I’m just so depressed about not working. My life is falling apart,” I replied with sorrow in my voice. Sophia was my one bright spot, but I couldn’t focus on her, the darkness outweighing the light.

  “Please try not to drink… for me. Be constructive. You’ve spent days drunk and passed out. You should have been using that time to fight. Promise me, Kayden. Your life isn’t falling apart. I’m still here. Don’t forget about me,” she said harshly.

  I wouldn’t say that he currently had anything under control. Control is a word that addicts use when they still abuse their drug of choice. The addiction usually controlled the person, not the other way around. I would say the last week of his addiction, namely vodka, had controlled him.

  “I’m sorry, and I promise to do better. I never want to upset you,” he said, staring into my eyes before kissing me on the cheek.

  I understood that he felt sad and that he loved his job, but instead of drinking himself into oblivion, he should’ve been making phone calls and figuring out his next step. If there was no hope, like he assumed, then he needed to decide what to do next. Please let it involve me.

  Exhaustion painted his face. The weight of the world was on his shoulders, but I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. I would be there for him and help him in any way I could. The weekend passed quickly and I needed to go home to return to work.

  I had been so scared and helpless while I was away from him. If he was drunk and passed out, he would not be able to make decisions about his future or look for alternate employment. I wanted him in my life, but I did not sign up for a relationship with vodka. I would not give up on him. He needed to understand the depths of my sadness and worry.

  He squeezed me tight and I got out of bed to pack my suitcase. My heart told me everything would be alright, but my mind knew better. I knew that this wasn’t the end of his struggle with alcohol. I knew a decision would have to be made. Do I stay and be his rock or do I run and cause him to spiral even further?

  At the airport we kissed goodbye, tears streamed down my face and I could barely breathe. I felt like my world was ending as I hugged him, unable to let go. I inhaled him. He smelled like the man that I had always smelled before, instead of the stale vodka scent that lingered on his skin yesterday.

  I cried walking through security. I’d miss him, more importantly I was scared—scared that the drinking would cause our relationship to fall apart.

  Secrets

  I hadn’t been entirely truthful with Sophia in the beginning, I had a drinking problem. Up until about two years ago, my life had been filled with addiction and excess to alcohol or drugs. The aftermath with Lisa caused me to gain control, though. Not out of want, but out of necessity. Sophia only knew a small snippet of my past. My life had spiraled out of control for many years, but one positive thing that occurred because of my arrest was that I gained control of my drinking, until now.

  I had nowhere else to turn after my arrest. I couldn’t go home to my parents, and I had no means to support myself, losing my job because I didn’t show up the next day. I went to a homeless shelter at the Salvation Army, living in their communal housing where I was required to attend alcoholism counseling and work in their store. I had to take a real look at my life and what actions caused me to end up at their facility. The alcohol had caused so many problems throughout my life, it is my kryptonite. I had to stop it from ruling my life, and had been successful until now.

  I would eventually share all of the gory details with her. I had to… I needed to. I had to wait for a time when I had control over my life. Sophia is the only beacon of hope in my life. I would try to stay sober for her—try to be the better man she deserved.

  I felt my world falling apart as she walked through security at the airport. I felt hopeless, but I reassured her that everything would be okay. I didn’t believe any of it, it’s all horseshit. What am I without a job? Who am I? I had lost my center and my reason for being, besides Sophia. I loved my work, and it helped keep my mind occupied when we aren’t together.

  What would I do without her here? The bottle would be my only friend nearby. I needed her with me, my moral compass. She deserved so much better than me, but I couldn’t give her up. Ever.

  I walked out of the airport and through the parking garage until I found my truck. Climbing inside, I closed the door, and I could still smell her perfume in the air. She’s gone and I’m alone, again. I needed a fucking drink.

  I’m a complete and utter fucking mess.

  Broken Promises

  He said there were things I didn’t know about him; I never thought alcoholism would be one. The signs were there, he always had a drink in his hands, never a day totally alcohol free when we were together. I always ended up drunk or buzzed, while he remained unfazed.

  I loved Kayden, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit my emotions were mixed with the knowledge of his alcohol abuse. How could I walk away from him? I could not even go a night without talking with him, when he was clean and working I adored the man. How didn’t I know this about him?

  Could I deal with a man that had a drinking problem? Someone that went to the bottle and buried their head instead of fighting for what they wanted? I didn’t want that life for myself. My mom had three traits she warned me against constantly: Don’t marry a drug addict, a cheater, or a drinker. While I didn’t always want to listen to my mom, and often rebelled against her advice, in the end, she was usually right.

  He promised me that he would try not to drink so much, but who was I fucking kidding? An addict can’t just stop with a mere promise. His drinking started again, possibly before the wheels of my plane touched the tarmac. He had no chance of staying sober with drinking the norm amongst the guys. I saw the bottles lined up on the counter; tequila, vodka, rum, and whiskey, they were the only form of decoration. The temptation too great for him to deny… I had a choice to make.

  The Kayden I knew and loved disappeared. In his place, a man filled with despair, often missing from my day. Time ticked away, as I filled my days as I had before, immersing myself in books and my work. Each day I prayed for normalcy. It had been established the day he entered my world, invaded it more accurately, and now there was hole where he used to be.

  Me: Ready to Skype, sweetness?

  Kayden: I think I’m dying.

  I sighed. The everyday drama exhausted me.

  Me: Huh?

  Kayden: I ate a piece of a habanera pepper, it was a dare.

  Men did crazy shit that I would never dream of doing with my girlfriends. Obviously this decision was made in an altered state.

  Me: You okay?

  No response. Fucking asshole. I’m dying aren’t the last words you want to hear from someone before they disappear. My heart sank and I felt physically ill. Our talks and seeing him online each evening were the best part of my day and now everything has changed.

  As much as my life had shifted the day I met him, it had been spun on its axis and everything seemed to be unraveling. He wrecked me. Not a quick stab to the heart, but a slow dissection with a dull rusty blade.

  I drowned my sorrows in the lives of my favorite fictional characters, trying to lose myself in their blissful lives, but Kayden never strayed from my thoughts. Kayden would emerge when his self-induced coma wore off sometime tomorrow. Mental and physical exhaustion took me, allowing me to dream of the love I’ve missed.

  My phone chirped and I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn’t—The pull was too strong.

  Kayden: Are you mad at me?

  How couldn’t I be? He left me hanging, worried and stressed.

  Me: More than I can explain right now.

  Kayden: I’m sorry.

  I knew
he meant those words, but my anger drove my words.

  Me: You’re always sorry Kayden, but you aren’t doing anything about it.

  Kayden: What do you want me to do?

  I clenched my jaw wanting to scream.

  Me: Come up with a plan, something besides getting lost in a bottle.

  Kayden: If I don’t get my job back then I’m coming to you Sophia.

  Doesn’t he want to be with me? I didn’t want to be a last resort. My heart fractured a little deeper. My love for this man had eclipsed anything I’ve ever felt before for anyone.

  Me: You’re going to get it back. I just know it.

  Kayden: It’s highly unlikely. I’m fucking losing my mind here Sophia… I can’t do this anymore.

  Me: What?

  Kayden: I can’t be without you anymore. I won’t do it anymore.

  I wanted him with me, hating the distance between us, but not under these circumstances. I wanted to be a choice not a backup plan.

  Me: What? You’re acting weird, are you drunk already?

  I waited a few minutes, but a reply never came.

  Me: Figured you’d pass out again. Today better be different, Kayden.

  Hours passed and my anger only grew. I wouldn’t allow myself or anyone in my life to be ruled by alcohol. Kayden needed to choose or I would make the choice for him. I sent a couple of angry texts while he was missing in an alcohol induced sleep.

  Kayden: That’s enough.

  Me: Of? I can’t believe we are having this conversation online since you are too fucked up to call and speak to me.

  Kayden: I know. Are we still together? Please don’t leave me Sophia.

  Me: Barely, Kayden.

  Kayden: Forever.

  I can’t go on like this, I wanted my Kayden back. I’d fight for him… I’d save him.

  Me: You better get your motherfucking shit together and fucking fast!

  Kayden: I’m going to lean on you Sophia. I need your light to pull me out of the darkness.

  Me: I want you to lean on me, confide in me, but you’ve leaned on Jack for weeks. I’m afraid I’d be just another crutch. I remember something you said to me once—we all fall sometimes in life Sophia, it’s more important how we recover.

  Kayden: I don’t know how to recover. I’m used to leaning on the bottle… it’s been my only friend at times.

  My limit reached, I lashed out at him.

  Me: I can’t do this anymore, Kayden. You aren’t thinking of what this is doing to me… When you get yourself straight, come back to me.

  Kayden: You’re breaking up with me?

  Me: If it gets you clean, then yes.

  Kayden: Fuck off then.

  There it was. I was harsh with my words, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. I had tried to be the understanding and loving girlfriend. I tried to be supportive and help keep his spirits hopeful. None of it worked. Maybe he needed to get pissed off at me, scared a bit. He needed to fight for something, anything… for me.

  Me: Really? You don’t choose me, guess that’s that. I’ll fuck off Kayden. Thanks for showing me what love could be, should be.... even if only for a moment. Hope you find peace and happiness someday, just make sure it’s not with Lisa.

  Kayden: WTF with Lisa?

  I knew the Lisa comment would catch his attention.

  Me: Whoever you are with in the future… Make sure it’s not her. She made you miserable for too long.

  Kayden: I’m completely happy with you Sophia, I’m just not happy with me.

  I’d do anything for this man. I needed him to understand that, to feel it.

  Me: It’s no excuse… You’re making sure to push me the fuck away, aren’t you?

  Kayden: You’re really breaking up with me?

  My words were hollow, but I hope it caused his heart to stop for a moment. I couldn’t imagine my life without Kayden, his passion and love. Didn’t he just tell me to fuck off? Having a conversation with a drunk was so futile. They spoke without thinking and then had amnesia within a few minutes. Why did I even bother?

  Me: You told me to fuck off.

  Kayden: I did, and I’m sorry. Can we start the day over? I love you Sophia. I’ll do better, try harder.

  Me: Call me when you wake and can talk to me Kayden. I need to hear your voice today.

  I placed my phone next to my pillow, wishing for sleep to take me. My eyes flew open with a chirp that I couldn’t ignore. Kayden had sent me a song, my heart thumped as I hit play. ‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank filled the air. I listened carefully to the words, they wrapped around me, stealing my breath.

  Homecoming

  I needed to go shopping for a dress; tomorrow Suzy and I were going to the Homecoming Dance. He always helped me pick out something perfect to wear. I didn’t want my dress to be too sexy, but I didn’t want to look like a child either. I went to the usual department stores to begin with and he helped me find one, but it was more money than I wanted to spend. My only options left were little thrift stores scattered throughout my small town.

  Kayden: Do NOT go to a thrift shop.

  Me: Why not? They have a huge selection and cheap prices.

  Kayden: You shouldn’t be shopping at a place like that.

  Kayden wouldn’t tell me why, he just kept saying to find another store. He disappeared shortly after I walked through the doors of Goodwill. I found a cute black dress for around five dollars, a total steal. I went home, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt lost and alone, more than I had ever before. I had a connection so deep and passionate with Kayden unlike anyone before, but it was dangling by a thread poised to break. I needed to grab it, before it was lost forever.

  Kayden: Morning baby doll.

  Me: Morning.

  I’d been up for hours, unable to sleep. Sleep never came easy for me, unless I was wrapped in Kayden’s arms.

  Kayden: I’m sorry I fell asleep last night so early.

  Me: You didn’t fall asleep Kayden, you passed out. There’s a difference.

  Kayden: I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You’re the best part of my life, I choose you. My life feels like it’s spinning out of control and I can’t get it under control.

  Should I give up? Has this all been futile? Kayden is worth fighting for. I wouldn’t let him spiral into the abyss.

  Me: Well it’s about to go off a cliff without a guardrail to stop it.

  Kayden: What?

  I barely knew what I was talking about at this point. He had me in knots, barely forming coherent sentences.

  Me: Nothing. No more fucking drinking all day until you pass out. It isn’t helping you or us.

  Kayden: I know. I’ll do better. Don’t give up on me Sophia, please. I won’t drink anymore, just don’t give up on me.

  Me: I’m fighting for us, Kayden. You’re the master of your future—our future. Don’t fuck it up.

  I couldn’t be clearer. I wouldn’t give up on him just yet. I wanted the playful man I fell for, the one that swept me off my feet with his sexy smirk and passion laced words. Kayden stayed in contact with me throughout the day, not letting more than five minutes pass between messages. My stress level had decreased dramatically through the day.

  My roommate and I spent hours doing our hair and makeup for the dance. We felt like teenagers again. On my way to the dance, my phone rang—Kayden. My heart stopped, something must be wrong.

  “Hey baby. What’s up?” I answered cheerfully. Sounding slightly panicked, but I tried to hide it from my voice.

  “The guys want to go to Bourbon Street and want me to go, too,” he said with hope in his voice.

  “And?” I asked.

  “Is it okay if I go with them, please?” he begged. “I’ll be a good boy.”

  He’ll be a good boy? I knew Bourbon Street was filled with temptation. How could I say no? He’s had so little happiness in his life recently. Did I have the right to deny him of a fun evening with his friends? He had been so miserable an
d needed to get out of the apartment. He didn’t really need to call me asking permission, although he knew it would earn him brownie points.

  “Fine, Kayden. Don’t drink too much though, please,” I pleaded with him. I knew this was a promise he would never be able to keep. NOLA sucks you in; no one could escape sober, especially with Kayden’s friends cheering him on.

  “I won’t. I’ll be a good boy. You’ll see,” he said gleefully sounding happier than I had heard him in weeks.

  “Skype me later when you get home please, promise?” I asked him.

  “I promise,” he said. “I love you, Sophia.”

  “I love you, too. Talk to you later, and have fun with the boys,” I said as I pushed the button on my steering wheel to end the call. I knew he would end up over indulging, but he is a grown man. My stress level slowly rose, but nothing compared to the gutting I felt earlier in the week.

  Suzy and I arrived at the dance; we walked around watching the kids and stopping to take photos with them. The dance was in the open courtyard of the school under the stars. I sent pictures to Kayden. I wanted him to see that I was having fun, and I was. I heard from him a few times throughout the night.

  My feet were killing me from the unusually high heels I wore. I had always been a kitten heel type of girl, but recently I’ve grown a fondness to the high rise variety. I sat on my bed, rubbing my feet and waited for Kayden’s call. He texted me to already to let me know he’d be home soon. I had just enough time to get undressed and ready for bed. I wanted to fall asleep listening to his voice.

  “Hey, baby doll. I’m home and safe,” he said to me, trying to be reassuring.

  “Did you drink?” I asked, already knowing the answer before he even answered the question.

  “Yes, Sophia. I’m sorry,” he said. Kayden wouldn’t lie to me. He was honest to a fault, but he knew he disappointed me.

  “Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning, Kayden,” I said as I hung up the phone.

  What could I say at this point? I gave him permission to drink tonight, I couldn’t be upset. I needed the night to think about him and us. I couldn’t give up on him. I wanted to heal him—make him happy, but would I be enough? He deserved happiness, he has filled my world with joy more than sadness… even through these fucked up couple weeks. No one had ever made me feel more loved, desired, or cherished than he did. He’s the addiction that I couldn’t give up.