Taking the cat from the bedroom to the living room, Ryan could have sworn he caught a glimpse of his guilt in the shadow just beyond where he could see it. He couldn’t shake it any more than the voice, and so he’d finally come to accept it and even welcome it in so he could face it at last.
His head was aching by the time he sank down on the sofa and turned the television on. Marco croaked as he was jostled, but nonetheless settled just beneath Ryan’s chin and resumed his contented repose.
All along he’d never once thought that he might be doing something to bring her down. She’d been so enthusiastic, his perfect cheerleader, that he had somehow missed seeing what a burden he had placed upon her. It wasn’t intentional, but he had done it. He’d left it up to her to make him feel better about himself. Not just the thing with David or Seth, or the search that came before them, but everything. Though passively, he’d used her to give himself the semblance of control he rarely felt in his own life. ‘I’m doing it for Evie’ is what he had told himself again and again, admiring her for her courage and at the same time denying her the right to stand her own ground in their relationship.
He did love her. He’d loved her from the start, and then he denied her that knowledge until it suited him.
Ryan wouldn’t blame her one bit if she never spoke to him again, and he couldn’t bring himself to try and break the ice.
Somehow they’d managed to avoid one another in the building, sparing him the agony of having her turn away from him if he mustered the courage to approach her.
As bad as he felt about Evie, thinking about what he had said to Seth made it even worse. Flinging Seth’s dead wife in his face just proved and exposed what a shithead he was. If the thought of running into Evie made him want to die, he dreaded running into Seth just as much.
But he could handle that without having a complete breakdown. He’d have to, eventually. He couldn’t live here with Evie underfoot, her presence a reminder of his shame. He was going to ask to be let out of his lease, and if Seth refused he would just leave anyway. He doubted Seth would take legal action. He’d just rent his apartment and let Ryan run.
Coming back to reality, Ryan looked from the television to the cat that stared him in the face, and groaned. He’d have to return the cat, or else it would just come right back like it did every time. If he had to go down and knock on Seth’s door, he might as well get it over with.
Leaving Marco to flop out on his sofa, Ryan returned to the bedroom and changed out of his pyjamas, then sank on to the edge of the low bed. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t cry. He should be a blubbery mess, but he couldn’t squeeze out a drop. Maybe he was still in shock, but it bothered him. Was he too goddamn wrapped up in himself to have a proper meltdown over losing the only woman he ever loved?
Feeling heavier with every step, Ryan took the cat down the stairs and tapped on Seth’s door. It took a moment for an answer, and Ryan’s stomach gave a series of sour rolls that made him want to lie on the floor and wait for it to pass.
Seth yanked open the door with a snort. ‘That’s a relief.’
‘Sorry?’
‘I haven’t heard a peep out of you and I was worried at some point I’d find your decomposing body. It would be hell to rent your place after that.’
Ryan forced himself to chuckle and hoisted Marco up. ‘Thought you might be looking for this.’
‘This would do me a huge favour by running away and never coming back,’ Seth retorted, but nonetheless when the cat was in his arms he laughed at the fuzzy nuzzle that greeted him. He draped Marco on his shoulder and turned his attention back to Ryan. ‘I get the feeling this visit isn’t about the cat.’
Ryan lowered his gaze as he spoke. ‘I think we both know it would be a good idea to let me out of my lease and get me out of the building.’
There, he’d said it.
And he wasn’t expecting the sound of derision that came from Seth.
‘Do we, now?’
Seth turned, and Ryan held out his arm expecting the door to be shut in his face, but the other man just strolled away with the door open. Unsure what to do, Ryan lingered on the threshold.
He’d never been in Seth’s apartment before. It was cosy in the way only the home of someone who rarely leaves is cosy. Big, stuffed furniture surrounding a television, a couple of bookcases filled with yellowing paperbacks, a cat-scratching post in one corner. There was clutter, for sure, but practical clutter like an assortment of Bic lighters on one end table and cat toys piled up on the La-Z-Boy recliner, coats hung on the back of every chair and shoes tucked wherever they had been taken off.
No personal photos, though, Ryan noted, but above the sofa was an abstract painting that brought back the memory of a woman whose clothing and hands were streaked with the same shades of blue and green as in that piece of art.
After disappearing from sight for a moment, Seth returned with a piece of paper in hand. ‘You want out of your lease? I’ll let you out of your lease. I can have your place listed tomorrow.’
Ryan straightened up, suddenly uneasy. ‘I–I might need a bit more time.’
‘Why wait? If you want a good deal on a mover, I’ve got a guy who is available at short notice. I’ll even cut you a check today for your security deposit.’
‘Seth, I didn’t mean this month.’ He stepped into the apartment and followed to where Seth cleared a space to write on the coffee table. ‘I meant, like, the end of the summer.’
‘You don’t want to do that. Wait another couple of weeks and the students will be back in town. You’ll end up three bus rides away from the hospital if you do that.’ He flattened the piece of paper in front of him and pulled a pen from his front pocket. ‘This is your notice to quit. Sign it and that’ll be that.’
‘Hey, I said I’m not ready to leave yet so I’m not signing any notice to quit. End of summer or – I don’t know, but I’m not moving yet.’
Seth put the pen down across the paper and, hands splayed out in front of him, looked up at Ryan. ‘Why the hell would you want to wait until the end of summer?’
‘Because –’ There were practical reasons, but Ryan just stammered over every one.
‘Get out now while you can,’ Seth snapped. ‘Pack your shit and just go. Don’t look back, just go, and don’t even think about what you’re leaving behind.’
Ryan growled. ‘What is it about me that makes you want to bust my balls at every turn?’
‘I don’t like you,’ Seth snapped. ‘I almost got there while I was fucking you, but turns out I should have listened to my gut when it told me you were just a selfish little prick.’
‘Look, give me the damn notice to sign and you’ll never see me again.’
Ryan made a grab for the paper, but Seth drew it out of his reach and stood. He crumpled the notice in one hand as he glared at Ryan, who could only laugh humourlessly.
‘You going to punch me now?’ Ryan challenged, and threw his arms out. ‘Go on. Take out my front teeth. I don’t give a shit any more. No one wants me here anyway.’
‘Yeah, you’re right. No one wants you here. No one at all.’
He thrust the paper at Ryan, who snatched it and turned to smooth it. Looking down at Seth’s handwriting, he sighed. ‘Is this supposed to be funny?’
‘You think she wants to stay in a place that’s got nothing but the worst memories for her?’
Ryan stared at Evie’s name printed in all capital letters. ‘She said that?’
‘No, but it’ll come to that.’ Seth dropped back on the sofa. He picked up the pen and twirled it between his fingers. ‘You’ll go, and then she won’t have a reason to stick around. She’ll want a fresh start so one day she can forget how much she loved you.’
Ryan’s throat ached and he cursed Seth in his head. Of all the places for him to begin his meltdown, this was the worst. He swallowed hard and tossed the notice on to the coffee table.
‘Pretty shitty of you to put her out when it’s not her
fault.’
‘Like I told you, I ain’t her boyfriend any more than I’m yours.’
The pain moved into his sinuses, and Ryan dropped into the love seat on the other side of the coffee table.
‘You would have made a better one,’ Ryan said quietly. ‘You would have been good for her.’
‘No, I wouldn’t have. I would have been much, much worse than you.’ Ryan met Seth’s gaze just as it moved to the painting. ‘I’m sorry things ended up the way they did – not just for her, but for you, too. You two have something, and you’re a goddamn fool to just piss it away because you’re scared.’
The swelling between his eyes became painful and Ryan had to clear his throat before speaking. ‘You’ve talked to her, then.’
‘Yesterday.’
‘She OK?’
‘Same sorry state as you.’ His attention on the painting, Seth leaned forward and sighed. ‘All you’ve got to do is go up that fire escape.’
Ryan shook his head. ‘She doesn’t want to see me.’
‘Doesn’t want to see the only person who can make it all right?’
‘How am I supposed to do that?’ he asked, his voice cracking at last.
‘Hell if I know. Whiskey and marshmallow eggs? That’s what I used to bring home when Rita wanted to cut my dick off in my sleep.’
Ryan didn’t know whether it was Seth’s words or the fact that he still sounded guilty as he spoke, but he cracked up. Seth followed suit, and in seconds they were both howling.
‘Ah, Christ,’ Ryan croaked as he wiped tears from his eyes. ‘Look, I’m sorry about what I said that night.’
Seth waved his hand in front of his face. ‘Fuck it. You gave me something to think about.’ He glanced over his shoulder to the window. ‘Do I have to push you out? I’ll do it. I’ll carry your sweet ass up the fire escape like you’re Debra Winger if I have to.’
‘I’d prefer it if you didn’t.’
The levity of the moment passed quickly as Ryan went to the window, already open. He leaned against it, and as he took a few moments to let his stomach settle Seth appeared with the notice in hand.
‘Don’t forget this.’
Ryan scowled down at it, but his question was cut off by Seth. ‘You two are out of here. Separate or together, you’re getting a clean slate.’
‘You, too?’
Seth stepped back and crossed his arms over his immense chest. ‘Yeah, me too. Sorry to break your heart, but it’s over.’
‘That’s too bad.’ Ryan folded the paper and tucked it into his pocket, then grinned at Seth. ‘I’m not the only one who sucks cock like I’m being paid to do it.’
‘You slut,’ Seth returned, and the surprise flashed on his face in the moment before Ryan pulled him into a kiss.
It was hard, fast and final, and Seth looked embarrassed when Ryan pulled back.
‘For the record, I don’t like you much, either,’ Ryan told him, and Seth’s laughter followed him on to the fire escape.
Marco had already made his exit and sat primly in front of Evie’s window, attention riveted to whatever was going on inside. At Ryan’s approach, the cat darted into Evie’s apartment. He heard her voice and his heart gave a kick as it realised it would be seeing her again, maybe for the last time.
He bent low before the window and her wide-eyed gaze went through him like a ghost. Even with dark circles and a nose rubbed red and raw, barefoot and wearing a nightie covered in frolicking sheep, she was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. She held the cat in her arms and stared, waiting.
‘Can I come in for a minute?’ he asked, and wondered if she knew the torture she was putting him through by lengthening the silence with her nose pressed between the cat’s ears.
‘No,’ she said at last, and turned her back on him.
His soul shrivelled and begged him to skulk off while he still had even a smidgen of pride left, but something else deep within raged and gobbled up his cowardice in one gulp.
‘Well, I’m coming,’ he snapped, and climbed into her living room.
Evie spun around. The cat leaped from her arms and raced past Ryan as he closed the gap between them. He didn’t give her outrage a chance to manifest itself in words before he hauled her against him and kissed her. Her resistance, if there had ever been any, flaked away instantly. She held on to him as he possessed her, and in the half-second it took him to draw back enough for a breath she sighed and stood on her toes for more.
Inside his chest, his heart detonated. Not just these past few days but these three months created an uncontrollable eruption. He loved her. He needed her. He’d spend the rest of his life crawling on his knees to earn her forgiveness if that’s what it took.
Cupping her face, he feasted on her flushed cheeks and swollen lips.
‘I should have said it sooner,’ he gushed. ‘I should have said it the first night I did this, because I’ve always felt it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You were right. I wanted to make myself feel –’
‘Shush,’ she whispered, but as she brought her finger to his lips he took her hands and pinned them behind her.
‘I’m just a selfish prick. That’s all I can say. I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you told me to piss off, but if you do I’ll wait out on that fire escape every day and every night until you tell me what it is I need to do to convince you I’d do anything to get you back.’
Even as tears spilled down her cheeks, Evie’s laugh was giddy. ‘This is all I wanted, Ryan. Just this. You having some faith in me, in you, in both of us to– to–’ Her giggles spilled over and he held on to her as if she might stumble. ‘To do something crazy like come through my window instead of getting yourself all worked up over whether I’m going to get banged up and run off on you.’
There should have been some response ready on the tip of his tongue, but she had rendered him speechless. He hadn’t really thought he stood a chance in hell of winning her back. All he could do was pull her close again and squeeze his arms around her until his wits returned to him.
‘I love you, too,’ she said, muffled against his chest, and wriggled out of his clutches to beam up at him.
Her eyes remained bright but her smile waned. He wanted to crush whatever was coming next with a kiss, but he fought against the urge and told himself it would be all right.
‘But we do need to have some long talks – and if you try any of that Ryan-knows-best shit again, I won’t get mad, I’ll get our surly, muscle-bound landlord to give your neck a stretch.’
‘Ah, actually…’ He reached into his pocket and pulled out the notice. ‘Not our landlord for much longer.’
She frowned and took the paper from him, and as she read its contents her outraged expression resurfaced. She turned it on Ryan.
‘I didn’t write this. I’m not moving.’
‘According to him, we are.’
He could only watch and try to hold in his laughter as she stomped to the window and stuck her head out.
‘Why are you kicking us out?’
‘I’m tired of listening to you fuck all night!’ came the response.
‘Oh, but it was fine when you were in the middle, wasn’t it?’
‘Evie!’ Ryan dragged her back from the window, and by the time they collapsed on the sofa they were both in stitches.
‘Now everyone in the neighbourhood knows.’
‘Who cares? We’re moving. Let him worry about it,’ she retorted, and twined her fingers with his. ‘Were you and Seth laughing downstairs earlier?’
‘Yeah, it was…God, I can’t even remember now.’ He rested his head against her shoulder. ‘I don’t think he wants us for playmates any more.’
‘I can’t say I blame him. It was fun while it lasted.’ She flexed her palm against his. ‘So, we’re homeless.’
He brought her hand to his lips and breathed in the orange blossom perfume of her hand cream. ‘We’ll find a new place. Together?’
Evie hesitated, but instea
d of sending him into a panic it made him laugh. She would need as much time to get used to him taking one blind leap after another as he would.
Then she smiled and cuddled closer. ‘A house? No shared walls?’
‘Pervert,’ he teased, then grunted as she sprang up and straddled him.
‘I’ve become accustomed to being pleasured by two men at once. That’s a lot of pressure for you.’ She pressed down on his shoulders and pinned him to the sofa, then brushed her lips against his. ‘We’re going to need our privacy.’
He slid his hands over her hips and cupped her ass, lifting her until her hair spilled around them. ‘I’ve become accustomed to a few things myself. You think you can take me like Seth takes me?’
Her gasp was quick and excited, but he caught the mischief of her smile before it was hidden from him.
Chapter Fifteen
‘We must be crazy to do this,’ Evie said with a grunt as she pushed her shoulder against her side of the sofa. ‘What if our next neighbours are weirdos? What if we find out we’re the weirdos?’
Ryan rolled his eyes and put his full weight behind his side. Unlike Miss No-Upper-Body-Strength, he was able to slide the sofa right into the bed of the truck he’d borrowed. ‘Now who’s over-thinking?’
‘Seriously, what if we move next to a piano player, or a meth lab, or someone who collects venomous reptiles?’
She stood aside and planted her hands on her hips, then huffed. Her hair stuck out from her ponytail and her face was approaching an alarming shade of plum. Still, she smelled better than he did. Ryan felt a little sorry for her having to ride across town in the truck with him.
He swiped his forearm across his sweaty brow and sighed. ‘You want to buy an RV and live in it? We can get one for about five grand if you don’t mind the leaks when it rains, and if we don’t like our neighbours we can just move.’
Cross My Heart Page 17