The Trouble with Emily Dickinson

by Lyndsey D'Arcangelo

  “I can be a nice guy,” Kyan maintained.

  “Then why do you act like such a jerk most of the time?”

  “I guess I always thought that’s how I was supposed to act.”

  “Who says? If people knew the real you, the insecure and sincere person you are behind closed doors, they might respect you more.”

  “Who said I’m insecure?” Kyan said quickly.

  Kendal stared at him firmly.

  “What? Guys aren’t supposed to be insecure,” he told her.

  “Where did you get all of these ridiculous rules from? Is there some book out there that states what guys should or shouldn’t be?”

  “My father’s in the military,” he said. “They’re his rules, not mine.”

  “Maybe it’s time to make a new set of rules then.” Kendal approached him, setting her hands on his shoulders. “That’s the real point of going off to college, isn’t it? It’s about finding out who you really are, no matter what other people think. Do you really want to be the same person in college as you are now? You’re going to meet a whole new set of people and friends. You might as well let them see the real you.”

  Kyan didn’t answer.

  “I know that I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not, anymore,” Kendal continued. “It isn’t worth it. High school is such a small part of our entire lives. Once we graduate, it doesn’t matter anymore anyway. Who’s going to brag ten years from now that they were on the soccer team or the cheerleading squad at Sampson Academy? I’m not. That’s why I don’t care who says what about me anymore, or who disapproves of what I do or even who I like.”

  “So it’s true, then. You really are a lesbian?” Kyan asked.

  Kendal laughed and dropped her hands to her side. “I don’t know what I am,” she said. “But does it really matter?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “Look, I’m in no position to tell you what to do. But if you’re so concerned with what people think about you, how can you ever really be yourself? Aren’t you always going to be afraid of what everyone else is thinking?”

  “Yeah. How did you know?”

  “Because I was doing the exact same thing before I met—” Kendal paused because she thought she heard footsteps. She peered into the shadows, but there was no one there.

  “Before you met who?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” she said. “I’m just saying I know how you feel. Look, I’m really sorry but I’m kind of waiting for someone, and it’s important to me, so if you don’t mind—”

  “It’s okay, really.”

  As Kyan leaned forward to hug her, Kendal backed away and gave him her hand to shake instead. He stared at it blankly, and then took it in his hand.

  “Would you do me one favor?” he whispered. “Can you not tell anybody about this? I don’t want to ruin my reputation or anything.”

  CHAPTER 33

  Christine watched helplessly as Kendal packed her books into several pink plastic crates. Her clothes were spread across her bed, ready to be carried away to some other closet.

  “Are you sure you don’t need any help?” This was the fifth time Christine had asked since Kendal had started packing.

  “Nope,” Kendal replied.

  “Because I can help you carry your clothes up to Mya’s room if you want. I’m not doing anything, and—”

  “I can do it by myself.” Kendal lifted one crate of books on top of the other, calculating in her head how many trips it would take to cart her stuff up to Mya’s room on the fourth floor of the dorm. She had decided to move in with Mya the week before, hoping that after winter break she could start the spring semester off fresh and new. New semester. New classes. New living space. New Kendal McCarthy.

  “Aren’t you ever going to forgive me?” Christine whined. “I’ve already been scolded by Mya and she’s making me help her organize some gay and straight alliance group or something at school. Is that enough?”

  “Personally, I think you got off easy,” Kendal said as she turned and faced Christine head on. “If it were me, I would have kicked you off of the squad altogether.”

  “Kendal, I said I was sorry a billion times!” Christine slid down on her bed as if she were too weak to stand. “I did what I did because I just wanted my best friend back.”

  “You lied to my face and you made me think I was getting kicked off the squad just so I’d stop hanging out with someone you disapproved of. What kind of best friend does that?”

  “Can’t you understand?” Christine pleaded.

  “No, I can’t understand,” Kendal said. She turned her back and resumed packing.

  After realizing she was getting nowhere, Christine hopped off the bed in a huff. “You’ve changed, you know that?”

  “I have changed,” Kendal agreed. “The problem is that you’ve stayed the same.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Kendal picked up a stack of crates and held them evenly against her chest.

  “Go look in the mirror,” she advised. “Then you’ll see what I mean.”

  She pushed past Christine. Steadying the crates in her arms, she made her way up the two flights of stairs and down the hall to Mya’s room.

  It would have been easy for her to blame Christine for ruining her chances with JJ as well, but Kendal knew she’d done that all by herself. It was painfully obvious that JJ wanted nothing more to do with her since she never showed up under the scorers’ box that night.

  Kendal had waited in the cold, sitting on top of a damp blanket and flicking the flashlight off and on for almost two hours before she’d finally given up hope. And though Christine wasn’t directly responsible, she sure was an attractive scapegoat.

  “How much more stuff do you have?” Mya asked, as Kendal entered her room.

  “Not much,” Kendal grunted as she set down the crates on the floor. “Just a few more crates and my clothes.”

  “Let me help you.”

  “It’s okay,” said Kendal. “I can do it. Letting me move in here is help enough.”

  “I have plenty of room. It’s not a big deal at all.”

  “Good. Because I needed to get as far away from Christine as possible.”

  “How is she taking it?”

  “Poorly.”

  “If it’s any consolation, I know she feels bad about it.”

  “Right. I can tell how broken up about it she is by the way she whines in her satin sheets.”

  Mya helped Kendal unpack some of the books from the crates on the floor. “Honest. She does feel bad about what she did.”

  “She feels bad because you are making her help form a gay and straight alliance,” said Kendal. “That’s what she feels bad about.”

  Mya lifted a volume of Emily Dickinson’s poetry out of the crate and began to thumb through it. She turned to one particularly dog-eared page with a highlighted poem. The margins of the page were covered with notes and doodles. She noticed that JJ’s name was scribbled along the margin more than once.

  “Is it possible,” Mya asked gently, “that your frustration with Christine is more about your feelings for JJ than anything else?”

  “What?” Kendal snatched the book away from Mya as soon as she saw her looking at it. “No, it’s not!”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Positive?”

  “Maybe,” Kendal admitted, reluctantly. With her finger she slowly traced the lettering on the cover of the book. “Maybe it has less to do with Christine and more with the fact that I know I’m the one who messed things up with JJ.”

  “What happened exactly?”

  “I don’t know.” Kendal frowned, as she placed the book on the shelf next to the others. “I asked her to meet me so I could explain everything. And she never showed up. I guess she wasn’t interested in my explanation.”

  “So what now?”

  “Now, nothing.” Kendal stacked the empty crates in the closet. “Time to move on.
New semester. New things to come.”

  “Such as—”

  “Well, for starters I’ve decided to pursue Women’s Literature as my major in college next year. And I’m even thinking about getting my master’s degree.”

  “Really? I wouldn’t have pegged you for—”

  “A brain? Me, neither. But, things change.”

  Mya sat down on her bed. “I didn’t mean to imply anything by that,” she said.

  “I know,” Kendal replied apologetically. “I’m a little on edge still. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I understand.” Mya opened the brick-red binder that was sitting next to her, and began sifting through some papers.

  “What’s that?” Kendal asked.

  “My obsessive-compulsive organization skills kicking in,” Mya answered. She picked up the binder and showed it to Kendal. “It’s basically an organizational tool for the winter formal.” She flipped over a few pages as she spoke. “For instance, here’s a list of possible venues, and here’s a list of Deejays and limo rentals. You name it—it’s on here. I even have a list of who’s going with whom just to keep on top of everything.”

  “You can mark me down as going solo,” Kendal said.

  “Really? I thought Kyan would have asked you for sure.”

  Kendal smiled wickedly. “Kyan won’t be asking me anytime soon. I can promise you that.”

  “I wonder who he’s going to ask then. I think I’d faint if he ever asked me.”

  “You like Kyan?”

  “He’s gorgeous!” Mya cooed like a little school girl. “And have you seen him without his shirt on? I could scrub my clothes clean on that washboard he calls his stomach!”

  Kendal burst out laughing.

  “What?” Mya asked innocently. “You don’t think he’s good looking?”

  “Sure, if you like that meathead, jockish sort of look.”

  “Oh. I forgot.”

  “Forgot what.”

  “You’re into girls now,” Mya teased.

  “I’m not into girls now,” Kendal returned. “I’m into someone who happens to be a girl. And apparently she’s not into me.”

  “Well, I happen to think Kyan is cute.”

  “Why don’t you ask him to the winter formal then?”

  “Me? I couldn’t.” Mya blushed. “He’d never say yes.”

  “Why not? You’re cute, popular and the captain of the cheerleading team. He’d be nuts not to say yes.”

  “You think so?”

  “I think you’re just the kind of girl Kyan Stevens needs in his life.”

  Mya jumped up off the bed, and took Kendal’s hand. “Come on. I’ll help you get the rest of your stuff up here,” she said. “Then you can help me think of what to say to Kyan. If I’m going to get up the nerve to ask him, I have to do it soon. Otherwise he might ask somebody else!”

  CHAPTER 34

  JJ stood in front of The Spot, debating whether or not to go in. Her stroll, in search of inspiration for writing, had led her nowhere in particular. She still lacked motivation to even pick up a pen. And sitting in the back corner of the coffee shop, listening to successful, imaginative writers spew out poem after poem, certainly lacked appeal. Yet she continued to linger, finding it hard to ignore the temptation of a warm beverage and the stimulation of caffeine.

  The sun had just settled in for the night, and the chill in the air had now turned from a nibble to a bite. JJ shivered and wished she’d worn a jacket over her Sampson Lady Yellow Jackets sweatshirt.

  “You just going to stand there all night?”

  JJ spun around to see Kyan Stevens standing directly behind her. His hands were shoved deep into the front pockets of his jeans in an effort to keep them warm.

  “Some of us would actually like to get a cup of coffee,” said his friend Jason, who was standing beside him.

  “Oh, right.” JJ stepped aside to let them pass.

  They shuffled by her, barely acknowledging her presence. Then for some reason Kyan hesitated awkwardly in the doorway, and then turned abruptly toward JJ.

  “Hey Jason, I’ll catch up with you. Save me a spot in line.”

  JJ could feel the knots in her stomach tighten. What did he want to talk to her about now?

  “I’m sure Kendal told you what happened,” he whispered, once he was back outside on the sidewalk.

  JJ stared at him vacantly.

  “You know, under the scorers’ box the other night?”

  JJ cringed. “No,” she said blandly. “Kendal didn’t share that tidbit of information with me, and I’m sure whatever happened between the two of you is a private matter.”

  “I asked her not to tell anyone about it,” said Kyan.

  At that moment, JJ recalled the excitement she felt flowing through her when she’d left the school lounge and headed down campus to the soccer field where Queenie had said Kendal would be waiting. All of her rationality and levelheaded reasoning had flown out the window. She had gone there, clinging to one last hope that this time the hopeless romantic would win.

  And then she saw them under the scorers’ box together. Kendal was holding Kyan’s shoulders gently, as if she were about to ease in for a kiss. JJ almost called out to her, but muffled her words before they left her mouth. Instead, she turned and ran. She sprinted across campus as if some masked man were chasing her. But there was no masked man. And when she finally stopped running, she collapsed to the ground in front of her dormitory, completely out of breath and, more significantly, completely heartbroken.

  “I thought she’d tell you,” said Kyan, breaking into JJ’s flashback.

  “Well, she didn’t.” JJ rudely shifted her backpack from one shoulder to the other. “And I doubt she will any time soon.”

  “Fine by me,” said Kyan. “One less thing I need to worry about then.”

  As he turned and reached for the door, JJ gave him a slight nod. “You two make a cute couple,” she said. “I hope you treat her right.”

  “Couple?” Kyan echoed, the door to the coffee shop swaying gingerly in his hands. “I don’t think so. She’s too much to deal with. Besides, I heard she’s got a thing for chicks.”

  “Chicks?”

  “Yeah, other girls. Namely you.”

  JJ’s backpack dropped to the ground. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about Kendal.” Kyan glanced inside the coffee shop.

  Jason was inching closer to the front of the line, simultaneously mouthing “What’s going on?”

  Kyan held up a finger, telling him to wait a minute. Then he let go of the door and approached JJ slowly. “She really didn’t tell you what happened then?”

  “No. She didn’t.” JJ tried to read his expression but all she could tell was that he was as confused as she was. “What happened that night? Did you guys—you know—hook-up?”

  “Ha! I wish. I think that if I had made a pass at her she probably would have punched me out.”

  “But I saw you together. Kendal was holding onto your shoulders. You two were about to kiss, just like some scene out of a romantic comedy.”

  “You saw us?” Kyan struggled to recall the incident. Then it hit him. “She was waiting for you!” He pointed at JJ adamantly. “I knew it! I knew you were the person she’d been expecting.”

  “If she was expecting me then why were you there?”

  “I saw her sneak under the bleachers, so I followed her,” Kyan explained. “I wanted to know what was going on with her, and she basically put me in my place.”

  “Put you in your place?”

  “Yeah.” Kyan peered cautiously over JJ’s shoulder and then behind him before he continued. “She told me to stop acting like such a conceited jerk all the time.”

  “Well, that’s good advice.” JJ smiled.

  “We talked about a few other things, too. But that’s why I asked you if she said anything to you because,” he glanced around again, “I don’t want anyone knowing I have a soft side.”
/>   “So nothing happened between you two?”

  “Nope. Like I said, she said she was expecting someone else. But I’m positive she was waiting for you.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because her eyes lit up the moment I mentioned you.”

  A warm, tingling sensation burst in JJ’s stomach. “So, let me get this straight,” she said. “Kendal didn’t want you there. You followed her because you wanted to know why she stood you up, and when she saw you she basically told you to get lost?”

  “Yeah—that’s basically it.”

  JJ’s eyes danced around, bouncing off the sidewalk, the sky and Kyan’s face. “I am such a complete and utter idiot,” she said suddenly, and smacked herself in the forehead.

  “Why?”

  “You wouldn’t understand.” She grabbed her backpack off the ground. “I’m sorry, but I have to go.”

  “Hey, wait a minute,” Kyan called after her as she hurried down the street. “You promise you won’t say anything, right? About me, you know, being soft and everything?”

  He waited for JJ to respond but she was already halfway down the street. And it was obvious that she’d no intention of stopping.

  CHAPTER 35

  Kendal sat down on her new bed, even though it was still unmade. She was exhausted from moving everything she owned up two flights of stairs. Her arms felt like slabs of jelly, and her lower back ached. She flopped down and closed her eyes. Just as she was about to fall asleep, the door to her room opened.

  “Mya—don’t even think about trying to convince me to do anything tonight,” Kendal mumbled. “I’m exhausted and I still have to make my bed.”

  “It’s not Mya,” said a familiar voice.

  Kendal’s eyes shot open. “What are you doing here?” she asked as JJ came into her view.

  “Looking for you.”

  “How did you know where to look?”

  “Mya told me where you were,” JJ explained. “She said you were up here getting some beauty rest or something.” She observed Kendal’s new surroundings. “I have to say I like this room much better than your last.”