You and I Together

by Melissa Toppen

  “How should I know? It's not like I have ever been pregnant before.” I sigh, reaching up to squeeze my forehead, feeling a severe headache coming on.

  Lo opens her mouth to say something else but then closes it again when the nurse reappears with a small clear container with a white lid. “You can use the bathroom through there.” She says, handing me the cup and then pointing to a door to my left. “I only need a few drops. Do you think you can do that now or do you need to wait?”

  “I can go now.” I say, sliding off the bed and putting all of my weight on my good leg. The nurse immediately steps to my side and acts as my second leg, helping me hobble across the room to the bathroom on the far wall.

  She leaves me for a moment to take care of business and then comes right back the moment I am finished to help me back to the bed. The moment she disappears again, I throw Lo a terrified look. I have been avoiding this moment for the last two days, too afraid to know the truth.

  Before I lost Bentley, the last thing I wanted was a baby. But now, knowing it may be the only piece of him that I get to keep, I am kind of hoping that I am. I know that sounds awful and that I am wanting it for the wrong reasons but that doesn't change how I feel about it either.

  Lo tries to make small talk and keep my mind occupied while the nurse runs the test. I know that results are almost instant so after ten minutes, I am starting to grow rather restless. When she finally steps back into the room, this time with a wheel chair, I feel like I might have a panic attack from the stress of not knowing.

  “The test was negative.” She says, pushing the wheel chair to the edge of the bed. I can't help the disappointment that immediately floods through me.

  Negative? Even though I wasn't sure, I think deep down I really expected that I was. I just don't know if that's because I truly believed that or because I wanted it to be true for a different reason entirely. I glance to Lo who nods her head in relief. It's apparent that she is seeing the bigger picture while I am still blinded by pain.

  “I am going to take you for x-rays now. Are you ready?” She asks, positioning herself at my side and once again, acting as my support as she gets me into the chair.

  Everything around me filters into the background as the nurses position my leg in the exam room, take some shots and then position it another way. I lay there listening to them talk to each other but not actually catching anything that they are saying. Right now, I just don't care about anything.

  I have lost Bentley. And finding out that I am not pregnant was the final nail in that coffin. I no longer have any part of him to hold onto. Nothing that ties me to him. Nothing that says 'He was mine' even if for a short period of time.

  All I have left are the memories that are too painful to even think about. I close my eyes, trying to block out the feeling. I don't want to feel it anymore. I want to embrace the numbness. I can't picture his eyes, his face. The way it felt to be touched by him. It hurts too bad. It's too much. The thought of never feeling him pressed against me again, of never feeling his lips against mine, of never hearing his voice say he loves me; it's a pain greater than anything I have ever felt before, physical included.

  I withdraw into my own mind. Barely giving any reaction when the doctor tells me that I do not need surgery. You would think I would be relieved, happy even, but I feel nothing. Nothing but my own sorrow and the numbness that surrounds it.

  The doctor gives me a brace for my knee that I have to wear for the next two weeks minimum and then gives me his card to make a follow up appointment with his receptionist before releasing me. Lo wheels me to the car and helps me inside but instead of being her pushy talkative self, she let's me remain in my bubble for a while longer.

  The drive back to campus is quiet. Other than the melodic tones of Mumford and Sons playing lightly through the radio, there is no noise. I can't bring myself to make small talk and I think Lo gets that about me, which is why she isn't trying to force it.

  She helps me up to my dorm and makes sure that I am settled, promising to call me first thing in the morning before leaving me with Andrea, who up until this point has been sitting on the edge of her bed half asleep, waiting for Lo to leave so that she can find out exactly what's going on.

  “You can't do this to yourself Anna.” Andrea starts the moment the door latches closed behind Lo. “You can't throw away everything you have worked so hard for over a fucking man.” She yells across the small space at me, pushing herself off of her bed.

  “I'm not in the mood Andrea.” I sigh, peeling the brace off of my knee and letting it drop to the floor next to me.

  “I don't care if you are in the mood or not. I am your best friend and it is my job to tell you when you are being ridiculous and right now, that's exactly what you are doing.” She says, crossing her arms in front of herself.

  “Not tonight Andrea.” I warn, pinning my eyes on her.

  “Yes tonight.” She says, not giving an inch. “This is not the Anna I know. The Anna I know would never let a man determine her happiness. The Anna I know takes what she wants. She doesn't wait around for it. He loves you and you love him. So stop moping and do something about it.”

  “What the fuck would you have me do Andrea?” My tone is sharp and I can feel the other prominent emotion coming to the surface; anger. “He said it was over. I can't take back what's taken from me. He made this choice, not me.”

  “Bullshit!” Andrea's voice goes up an octave. “You fight. Fight for him.” She says, crossing the room towards me. Softening her gaze, she slides in next to me on the bed and takes one of my hands in hers. “Don't give up Anna. Please. I have never seen you so happy. Bentley. He's good for you. He brings out the best in you.”

  “I can't do it. I can't. He ended this and as far as I am concerned, that's final. He made the terms, it's up to him to rewrite them. If he still loves me, if he loved me at all, he has to be the one to make things right. I didn't walk away, he did.” I say, turning tear filled eyes towards her.

  “I hate seeing you like this.” She says, her own eyes welling over.

  “It's been less than three days. I'll get there.” I reassure her, giving her the best smile I can muster. “I just need some time.”

  “Fine.” She sighs loudly. “But the next stupid shit you pull, I'm calling Patty.” She says, pointing at my knee. “I won't stand by and watch you do this to yourself.”

  “I pushed too hard. I know.” I admit. “And I know that you are just worried about me, and I love you for it. But you have to let me heal in my own way, in my own time.” I say, squeezing her hand. Pulling me into a hug, she squeezes me tightly before finally releasing me.

  “Can I get you anything?” She asks, standing.

  “I'm good. They gave me some painkillers at the hospital so I think I'm just gonna try to get some sleep.” I say, scooting up on my bed and laying back, shoving one of my pillows under my knee.

  “Let me know if you need something through the night.” She says, crossing the room and killing the light. “And Anna. I don't just mean if you physically need something. If you need me for whatever reason, I'm here. I understand that you are hurting but what are friends for if not to share that pain.”

  Her words cause a new onset of tears to flood to the surface but thanks to the darkness, she can't see me. “Thank you.” I get out as clearly as I can, trying to choke down the emotion in my throat.

  “I love you Anna.” Her voice is just above a whisper.

  “Love you too.” I respond, closing my eyes and praying that sleep comes easily.

  ****

  “So how much time do you think you're going to need?” Josh asks as I sit across from him in the back office of Allure. It's been five days since my knee injury and I can finally manage to hobble short distances without crutches or help from anyone else.

  “At least another week and a half. I have a follow up with the doctor a week from Tuesday and I am hoping that he will clear me after that.” I say, shifting in my seat. />
  “You realize you could have just called right?” He laughs lightly at me, shaking his head.

  “I know but if I sit in that dorm room for another second, I am likely to lose my mind.” I admit, knowing just how true my words are.

  Five days of staring at the same four walls and reliving the one moment that cost me so much has taken it's toll, to say the least. I tried burying myself in the schoolwork that Andrea picked up from my professors but even that is offering very little distraction at the moment.

  “Okay.” He laughs again. “Well, I will write you off of the rotation for this weekend and next. Just let me know if you need more time past that.” He says, leaning back in his chair. “Is there anything else you need?” He asks.

  “Well, I was wondering, has Shira been here at all?” He doesn't question why I want to know and answers without hesitation.

  “Since Tuesday. She's here now actually.” He says, not missing the way my eyes light up. “I'm pretty sure she's in the front office.”

  I immediately push myself into a stand, thanking Josh before hobbling out into the hallway and down until I reach the door that leads to the front. Pushing my way through it, I immediately cross the room, not stopping until I am standing just feet from the office door.

  It's open and I can see Shira inside. She's got a mountain of paperwork in front of her and doesn't notice me right away. Her hair is tied back in a loose bun, held together by a pencil. It's clear to see she got annoyed with it during some point and used the only thing she could find to hold it out of her face.

  For a moment, I consider walking away. I can't think of one thing I could say to her that wouldn't make me sound desperate and the last thing I want is for Bentley to hear how badly I am doing without him. I want him to picture the girl I was when we met. The one that wouldn't let a broken heart keep her down. I just wish that girl still existed.

  “Anna?” Shira's voice pulls me from my thoughts and I look up to see her staring at me from her spot behind the desk.

  “Hey.” I say, hobbling forward to stand in the doorway. “I just wanted to say hi. Sorry, you look really busy.” I smile, gesturing towards the stack of papers on her desk.

  “It's nothing.” She swipes her hand through the air. “Come in.” She gestures for me to come inside, standing to close the door the moment I step through it. “What happened to you?” She asks, pointing at my knee brace as she reclaims her seat behind the desk.

  Carefully lowering myself into the chair across from her, I wait until I am situated before turning my attention back to her. “Went a little hard at the studio.” I say. “It will heal.” I brush it off like it's nothing. “I will be off work for a couple of weeks though, doctors orders.”

  “He's miserable too.” She says without warning, her words sending my heart crashing inside of my chest. “He won't admit it. Hell, he won't even talk about it now. But I can tell.” She says, her light eyes settling on mine.

  “I'm sure he's fine.” I say, trying to not let her see how much I am affected by her statement. I need to stay strong. I have to stay strong.

  “And how are you then?” She asks, ignoring my comment.

  “I'm good. My leg is still sore. But I'm okay.” I say, giving her a smile.

  “You are just like him.” She laughs, shaking her head at me. “I didn't ask how your leg was Anna. I asked about you. So tell me really, how are you?” She hits me with a stern look, reminding me too much of Bentley.

  I can't help but look away. It takes me a few seconds to compose myself and once I do, I meet her gaze again, this time noticing how much her face has softened. “I'm taking it one day at a time.” I give her an honest answer without revealing too much.

  As much as I like Shira, she is still Bentley's sister. And while it feels so good to be close to her, because she is a part of him, it's also a lot harder than I realized it would be. There are too many similarities between the two of them. Too many triggers that makes me see Bentley instead of her.

  “Well, I really should get going.” I say, pushing myself into a stand. “I just wanted to say hi.” I say, turning and hobbling across the room.

  “Anna.” Shira says my name just as I pull the door open. I slowly turn inwards to face her, trying to push down the tears I feel welling behind my eyes.

  “Do you remember the flight to Seattle? I was talking to Bentley about an issue and you were trying not to listen.” She laughs lightly and then waits for my nod before continuing. “It was about Madison. Josh had mentioned to him that night that a dancer from New York had been here. Bentley was furious but tried to keep it hush hush because he didn't want you to worry.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” I ask, not sure of the point she's trying to make.

  “I just think it's important that you realize the issues he has had with Madison in the past. That girl put him through hell and back and even still, he tried to help her. He kept her on staff when he should have fired her. He gave her money when she ran into some financial trouble. He tried to help her because he felt sorry for her. But it was clear from very early on that it wasn't his help she wanted, but him. She was never going to stop Anna. I think that's why Bentley reacted the way he did. He saw her betrayal as yours. He saw her attempts to manipulate him as yours. It's not fair to you but you are paying for other people's mistakes. And you never even saw it coming. Anna, you see the good in people, which is both a blessing and a curse. Cora didn't come to you out of the kindness of her heart. She wanted you to go to New York. How else was Madison ever going to get the chance to weave her web of lies? Bentley warned her after she came to Chicago never to come near you again so she had Cora send you to her. I don't know what she hoped to accomplish. She was never going to get him.”

  “Maybe not, but I think she got exactly what she wanted. The next best thing anyway.” I shrug, trying to fight down the tight knot forming in my throat. “I'll see you later Shira.” I say, turning and walking away, not able to listen anymore about the trap I so willingly walked into.

  Chapter

  Twenty-Six

  “You need some help with that?” Collin jogs up next to me and gestures to the mountain of books I have gripped against my chest. Add on the weight of my book bag and the fact that my leg is still in a brace, I'm sure I look pretty pathetic hobbling across campus.

  “That's okay.” I say, not wanting to inconvenience him. “I got it.”

  “Seriously. I'm headed to your room to meet Andrea. Let me help you.” He shakes his head at me and then lays his hand on my upper arm, halting my already slow steps. “Here.” He laughs, retrieving the books from my arms and tucking them against himself. “Better?” He gives me a lopsided smile and starts walking again.

  “Much. Thank you.” I say, immediately grateful to have the weight lifted and the added strain off of my knee.

  “Why do you have so many books anyways?” He asks, gesturing to the stack in his hands.

  “Library.” I shrug, adjusting the straps of my bag as I struggle to match his pace. He's not walking fast by any means but even a normal pace is a little much for me in my current situation. It's been a few days and everyday it gets a little stronger, I just wish my heart would heal as quickly as my leg is.

  “I gathered that much.” He laughs, pulling open the door of my building and letting me enter first, before following in behind me. “But why do you need so many at once?”

  “I am doing a five thousand word essay on the effects of neglect in young children, I need resource material.” I shrug, turning left and slowly making my way up the first flight of stairs.

  “And the internet isn't good enough?” He looks at me funny like he can't possibly understand.

  “The internet is so full of nonsense anymore. There are so many articles and papers on the topic but I don't know which sources I can trust and which ones I can't, so I prefer to get my information the old fashioned way.” I stop mid step and take a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare myself for
the last flight of stairs.

  “Why don't you just take the elevator?” He asks, offering me his arm for support.

  Looking down at his arm and then back up to his face, I suddenly feel like maybe I misjudged Collin a bit. I mean sure, he's a flirt, but then where's the crime in that? This is the first real interaction I have had with him and honestly, he seems like a pretty okay guy.

  Nodding a thank you, I grip his arm and allow him to be my support as we slowly make our way up the final flight of stairs. “It's good for my knee. The bending.” I explain. “If I nurse it, it will stiffen up and take that much longer to heal.”

  “Fighting through the pain.” He observes. “Pretty sure most people would just take the elevator.” He laughs.

  “Pretty sure I'm not most people.” I say, pushing the door open to my dorm.

  “So I am starting to realize.” He says, following behind me into the room. Turning towards my bed, I immediately freeze when a set of brilliant blue eyes land on mine, stopping me dead in my tracks.

  “Bentley.” His name falls from my lips and I don't try to hide my confusion or my surprise. “What.... What are you doing here?” The words come out weak and sound oddly strange to me.

  “I needed to see you.” He says, his eyes bouncing from me to Collin, who is still standing next to me, my mountain of books in his arms.

  “Oh sorry.” I say, turning and taking the books from him, hobbling the few feet to my bed, I drop the books down and then turn back to the two men. “Bentley this is Collin, Andrea's boyfriend. Collin this is Bentley, my um....”

  “Boyfriend.” He finishes my sentence, stepping forward to extend his hand to Collin. I try not to gape at him given his response. I can't help but feel like I have suddenly entered the twilight zone. “It's nice to meet you Collin.” He says, giving his hand a firm shake before releasing it and taking a step back.