by Becci Fox
‘Alright, but don’t go anywhere.’
We had waitress service at our table, but I wasn’t about to tell her that.
After a minute of silence, I actually wanted Brooke to come back again. ‘So this is awkward,’ I said finally.
‘Yeah, sorry. I meant to come over earlier but couldn’t find you. And you haven’t been down One9Five for a while, so it’s sort of weird,’ he said.
‘Oh, don’t worry. Even my best friend hasn’t had a word with me about this yet. It’s the greatest unspoken romance of all time,’ I replied, proper pass-agg.
‘I thought you two were cool with each other?’ he replied, looking puzzled.
‘Yeah, we were, but only because we’ve avoided talking about it. And now I’ve just had to confront it in the worst possible way,’ I replied.
He paused before saying, ‘Welcome to my world, babe. Not easy seeing your ex get cosy with someone else, is it?’ I definitely heard a wobble in his voice and I thought, shit, he’s getting emotional. I’d never seen Charlie cry before and I wouldn’t know what to do, so I changed the subject quickly.
‘No matter, hun. So did you come down here with Grant?’
‘He needed someone to hold his hand, didn’t he? He’s been a right old mess,’ said Charlie.
‘Well he should think twice before cheating,’ I said, and instantly regretted it. Major hypocrite. I don’t know when things got so awkward between us, but at this moment it felt like an all-time low in our relationship.
It was so strange to think how close we were just three years ago and now we were like strangers. Believe it or not, we did have the funniest times together. Like when I went back to his for the first time and he only had one pillow as thin as cardboard on his double bed and nothing but a harsh overhead light. Proper passion-killer. I totally made his life more comfortable and bought him four fluffy pillows and a lovely lamp for his side table. Clearly I benefited from this too, but think of the favour I did all the girls who came after me. Yeah, you’re welcome, Brooke.
And we would have such a laugh when we went out. One night when Charlie Ferrari was truly living up to his name, we were desperately after some class As, so someone hooked us up with a dealer who met us in the car park behind the Castle. Gone were the days when it was West Essex’s number-one night spot. Now it’s a glamorous Harvester. In fact, this was the same car park that Victoria and David Beckham met in for their first date. They were going to go to the Castle (not for a Harvester) but realized there was a pap around, so David jumped into her MG and they went to a curry house in Chingford. Why does the Castle not have some sort of blue plaque marking this historical moment?
Anyways, we exchanged money and drugs there and drove back to Charlie’s to get a fix before heading out. Well it was only bloody Daz. When Charlie realized he went, ‘At least we’ll have the cleanest noses in Essex now.’ Fuck, I’ve never laughed so hard in all my days. I didn’t even need any drugs after that. Just his company would give me a major high. And now here he was, the bloke he’d been before the steroids took over. He might not have the rage any more, but I did. I had to put up with some real nastiness at the end of our relationship and Brooke had just waltzed in as the going had got good again. Talk about complicated. It’s not like I wanted Charlie back, but still, it’s a bit rich, isn’t it?
When I saw Ryan stumbling over to us I felt proper relieved, but then he didn’t know what to say either. He just stood over us and went, ‘Awww, exes.’ After dropping that clanger, he just waltzed off and left us feeling even more uncomfortable. I was actually ecstatic when I saw Brooke come back because she was looking well pissed off. I needed one of Brooke’s incidents to get me out of this situation.
‘What’s the matter?’ I said to her.
‘Your sister is the matter,’ Brooke replied, stabbing a finger at my shoulder. ‘Her husband is making a right dick of himself on the dance floor. Like, people are actually backing away from him because he’s so out of it. So I just went over to Tasha and said, “You wanna keep an eye on your fella,” and she just yelled at me, “What’s it got to do with you?” So I just walked away and left them to it, but hun, your sister has serious issues.’
‘Shit, I can’t believe she spoke to you like that,’ I said, embarrassed for my clan.
‘Yer, well, I had to hold my tongue. But in other news, I seen Gem and Grant snogging.’
‘Oh my God, you joking? You serious?’ I said.
‘I’m totally serious. Wedding’s back on, people,’ she said and kissed Charlie. She was totally marking her territory. If she wanted to be like that, then fine. I’ve always been the stronger one of us, so not a problem.
‘Right, I’m going to find Tasha and sort her out,’ I said to them.
‘Well, good luck to yer,’ said Brooke. ‘I was saying to Gem and Ryan we should get out of here after midnight and head down One9Five for the after-party.’
‘But then we’ll miss Arg singing,’ I whined.
‘Do you seriously want to watch him? He’s not all that, babe,’ said Brooke, shattering the illusion as usual.
‘I suppose not. I just thought it would be a laugh. I mean, I don’t want to be here until the very end,’ I replied, trying to convince myself. To be honest, I needed to talk to Ben again so I was dragging my feet. Something was niggling. Although there was no way I was going to be here when the music stopped at 2 a.m. You have to be completely stupid to think you can get a cab then. I’ve known people resort to staggering back to Epping High Street along the dark country lanes. If they’re lucky, it’ll take them two hours to do so and they’ll look like they’ve crawled out of a ditch. If they’re unlucky, they’ll get mown down by a taxi.
When I couldn’t find Tasha in either of the marquees, I made my way through the mud to the toilets. If she was having a meltdown, that’s where she’d be. Right outside the toilets, I noticed there was a film crew talking to some drunk girl who had her baps hanging out, so I went over to earwig and the shit she was coming out with was embarrassing. I’ll give you a taster: ‘Yeah, well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself a husband at the polo. I’d give the quality of men here a five out of ten. They’re all too short here and they love themselves too much. Whoever gets with me has to be as good as me. I’m nice looking so they got to be nice looking too.’
Let me tell you, this girl was a mess. I’d already seen her earlier in the day in a green dress, and now she was wearing this horrible slutty black dress which had cups that just about covered her nipples, and she had scruffy dirty blonde hair with no volume whatsoever. She was no lady but her standards were high. I wanted to go, ‘Have a word with yourself, love.’
She also had this more glam mate with wavy blonde hair who’d had so much surgery she looked like a blowup doll. As soon as they were done filming, I asked the cameraman who he worked for and he said the same production company that had done My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I think we can safely say that they were setting this silly girl up for a fall. So I said to him, ‘You’ve got yourself a goldmine with that girl,’ and he just looked proper pleased with himself.
I would never in a million years appear in a documentary, especially now everyone’s after a piece of the Essex goodness. I imagine this one will be titled Essex Husband-Hunting so watch this space. And the talent was so not five out of ten either. Maybe that was just her success rate.
Realizing I’d been distracted by my nosiness, I got back to my family duties. I poked my head into each cabin until I saw the legs of my sister’s white jumpsuit and her strappy silver heels.
‘Alright, Tash?’ I said, tapping on the door.
‘Yeah, you?’ she said, clearly mid-sob.
‘Seriously, Tash, you don’t sound alright. You going to let me in or what?’
There was no answer, just a bit of sniffling. Then the lock went. What I saw . . . I can’t even put into words. There was still a bit of sick in the corner of her mouth just to complete the look.
‘Shi
t, Tash. I think you need to go home,’ I said, not knowing what to do.
‘Why is this happening?’ she cried. ‘Why would it do this?’
‘Who’s doing what?’
‘Why’s the mud doing all this? It’s not fair. I can’t even see my feet,’ she slurred back.
‘Well at least they’re a lovely shade of brown. And somehow you’ve managed not to get any mud on your clothes,’ I said, trying to make her feel better.
‘I haven’t even had sex for seven months,’ she said randomly.
‘Isn’t that normal though when you’ve got a toddler?’ I asked.
‘I want Tony to want me like he used to,’ she said. I had to wipe the sick off her mouth before I could interact any more with her.
‘Look, you just need time together. I never look after Lola, but I can do that for you if you want,’ I said.
‘Really? Even on a Saturday night?’
‘Yeah, totally.’ I agreed to it, but there was no way she’d remember in the morning. I just wanted to get her sobered up a bit. ‘C’mon, let’s get out of here and find Tony, yeah?’
‘Nah, I’m not going. You’ve got to find Tony and bring him here,’ she demanded.
‘Seriously? Oh my God, the things I do for you. Fine, but then you’ve both got to come with me.’
She nodded but just slumped her head down between her legs. I noticed all these pound coins on the floor around her so I gathered them up before heading off. Old habits die hard. You could make your money back from your ticket with the amount of shrapnel on the floors here.
Now, when I set off, I had no intention of finding Tony. That was a disaster waiting to happen. I was going to do a Jake and rely on Mum to sort it out. She’s the only one who Tasha obeys. It was pissing it down again and the mud was making it proper dangerous out there. Next time, I’d be bringing a pair of Weddingtons. They’re white wellies designed for brides with a well cute heel and ribbon on. I was so getting them in stock even if it was just for me. My feet were as bad as Tasha’s, but I just had to squelch my way back to the marquee.
It was proper mayhem outside the marquees. A group of blokes were clapping and chanting for another bloke to hurdle the white picket fence. And since blokes love showing off to each other, this prat totally did it and impaled himself. Who jumps out of VIP? I had zero sympathy.
When I got indoors, I found Gemma at her table in the family fold. It looked like Gem’s step-dad was giving Grant a serious man-to-man chat. Her step-dad is short, squat, bald and hard as nails. He was probably telling Grant that if he cheated on Gemma again, he’d rip off his scrotum with his bare hands. That’s his standard threat and Grant did look petrified.
‘Have you seen Jackie anywhere?’ I said to Gem.
‘She’s leading the conga with Ryan.’ Oh the shame, she was and all. Ryan’s a proper bad influence and he was trying to get Cheryl and Sue involved too.
‘Oh my days, I’m disowning her and him. So you and Grant, yeah?’
‘I know. Don’t be mad at me. I can’t help going back to him,’ she said, oblivious to my matchmaking. ‘The last ten weeks and five days have been the most miserable in my life. And it’s well difficult out there, Becs. I don’t know how you keep it up,’ she said.
‘We’re just different people, Gem. Honestly, I’m proper made up for you. If he’s what makes you more happy than sad then you’ve got to go for it. And maybe he’ll appreciate you more now?’
‘Yeah, well, I never have been able to resist his charms.’ Having heard his charms, I can safely say me and Gem are not cut from the same cloth. Satnav, I ask you.
‘You do know that Ben keeps looking over at you?’ Gemma said.
‘Oh my God, is he? Who’s he with?’ I asked.
‘He’s just leaning on the barrier by himself. He’s totally trying to get your attention. What you going to do?’
‘I really don’t give a shit,’ I said, lying. ‘I’m going to go over there and tell him to bog off.’
‘God, such a nightmare having to fight off all these hot men,’ she said mocking me.
‘Well, I can’t control who looks, hun. I just bring the heat.’
I turned round and Ben was doing the puppy-dog-eyes thing at me. We’ve all seen that trick before. But for once he genuinely looked remorseful. So I went over to him and said, ‘Where’s your entourage gone? Have they gone to pick up some birds for you?’
‘Don’t be like that, Becs,’ he said, like I was being unreasonable. ‘I already know I’ve been a right tool, but we can’t end things like this.’
‘You already decided how to end things.’
‘I took things too far, I know, and I got you all wrong. But no girl’s got to me like this before.’
‘Oh, come off it, Ben. You’re just not used to girls giving you a hard time.’
‘Nah, I’m serious. Out of all the fifty-six girls I’ve slept with, you’re different.’
‘Oh my God, you’ve slept with fifty-six girls? What kind of person even counts that shit once they get into double figures? That’s proper sad.’
‘All blokes do it, babe. And if you do the maths, that’s only an average of eight a year.’
‘Unbelievable. Ben, I’ve slept with that many in my whole life. Your mind’s all warped.’ (That figure’s honestly true, give or take a couple, so long as we’re talking standard intercourse.) ‘If that’s how you boost your ego, then I pity you.’
‘Nah, but you’re not listening. I don’t want to be that bloke any more. I just want you.’
‘Are you shitting me? Are you saying you want me to be your girlfriend now?’
‘That’s exactly what I’m saying, babe. I want to do this properly and I only want to do it with you.’
I didn’t know what to say back to this. It totally threw me. I had him at my beck and call, but then I thought he could just be fobbing me off again. He could tell I was deliberating my next move, so he tried to make it for me.
‘Listen, come back to mine. We’ll sort it out there.’
‘Ben, you can’t expect me to come back with you after the way you’ve treated me,’ I said.
Ben actually looked cut up.
Perfect timing as always, Ryan came running over to interrupt. ‘Babe, the cab’s coming in ten minutes,’ he said before turning to Ben. ‘Hiya, Ben. She sent me your picture so I know you even though you don’t know me. You’re way fitter in person. Thanks for getting me in. Byers,’ and with that the whirlwind was off. What was it with Ryan leaving trails of destruction everywhere he went? You can’t have the upper hand when it’s obvious you’ve been perving with your mates over a photo that was for your eyes only.
‘What picture’s he talking about?’ said Ben
‘Just that modelling picture you sent me where you wore those tight pants,’ I replied, trying to sound casual. ‘We were just checking your picture out once. It’s nothing. He’s gay, by the way, so it’s all above board.’
‘Yeah, I’m not blind. He’s flapping all over the place. You girls and gays are all the same. Can’t get on with them myself. No offence.’
‘I so pity you,’ I said, suddenly feeling a lot of offence. ‘Like, it might surprise you that Ryan’s a season-ticket holder at Spurs. He’s as boring as any straight man on the subject. He’s an awesome gambler and would totally show you up at poker. He could make your iPhone do things you never dreamed it could do. And he’s an amazing friend, something you’ll never know because girls are just trophies and gays are just flappers. Oh, but Gino, he’s someone you can look up to? What a sad little life you have putting people in boxes. You are blind, actually.’
‘Sorry, have I really annoyed you?’
‘Yes, you fucking have,’ I yelled.
‘Listen, I take back what I said. I’m trying so hard to sort things out here, but I can’t seem to say anything right,’ he said, looking really shocked by my tirade. ‘I think you’re right, babe, I haven’t being seeing the whole picture. That’s why I need
you back in my life.’
I still had nothing to say back to this.
‘Just think about it. If you want to give me a shout later on, then I’ll be about.’
Then he kissed me on the cheek and walked off into the rain. I felt like he was totally messing with my mind again, but hadn’t I wanted this sort of resolution? After all, I was the cool one again now. Finally.
However, I couldn’t be standing around trying to decipher all this now. I spotted Mum hanging off Dad in the distance, so I squelched over to her to do my only good deed.
‘Mum, Tasha’s in the toilets and she’s puked down her face,’ I said, keeping it nice and short.
‘The silly girl. She can’t take her drink any more, but does she listen to me?’ Mum moaned.
‘Listen, I’m going off with the others now. So you know where Tash is, yeah? Where’s Jake?’ I asked.
‘He’s pulling yet another girl. Being a mum is a never-ending, thankless task, you know. Why are my kids alcoholics and love rats?’ she moaned.
‘Hmmm, I’d say that’s a bit over the top,’ I said.
‘Darlin’, we were young once, remember?’ butted in Dad. ‘They’ve got to go out there and live life to the full. And our little Becs is doing alright for herself, aren’t you, princess?’
‘Yeah, just brilliant, Dad. I’ve got to go. See you in the morning, yeah?’ And with that I ran off to join the others.
There were only four people in the taxi queue, which was a result, so we hardly had to wait at all. One girl in front of us turned to her bloke and went, ‘Alfie, I’ll never wear these fucking shoes again. You try dressing for the occasion but this shitty mud ain’t no fun, you know what I mean? It’s like being a student or something. VIP should mean privilege. My feet aren’t even in my shoes no more.’ And she just whined on and on. You can give a WEG the most VIP day ever, but she won’t feel complete unless she’s had a proper moan. As the couple got into the taxi, the girl went, ‘I tell you what, though, Alfie. I didn’t see one fight tonight,’ and with that she closed the door. I could tell she was disappointed by how civil the night had been, but as far as I was concerned it had been clash after clash.