The Good Mother
Page 22
Peace. Happiness. Love.
Of course we will miss Cara. We will mourn Cara. Every day I will feel guilt, whether I ought to or not. But so will Suze. We will feel everything together.
I move to unwrap the present. I hear Cara’s bedroom door shut. They must have finished looking at Lizzie/Cara’s presents. They’ll be coming through here next, then, or maybe going to the kitchen for cupcakes. Better open up my present so I can seem as grateful as I am.
The soft tissue paper almost unwraps itself beneath my fingers. The layers fall away, opening up to reveal a beautiful grey silk tie. I unfold it and stroke it. It’s almost exactly the same as the tie I wore for our wedding. Tears form in my eyes. It’s so delicate, but woven together so strong. Like us. I know what it means. It means we can truly begin again.
I see something flutter to the floor. Must be a receipt. I shouldn’t look. I should crumple it up and consign it to the bin.
But I want to know. I want to delight in how much Suze has lavished on me. Despite everything. Because of everything. I bend down and pick it up.
It’s not a receipt at all. It’s a note. From Suze.
I smile as I see her handwriting.
But then I read the words.
‘I will never forgive you.’
I freeze.
Something grips my heart. It must do, because I’m sure it’s stopped beating.
And then those same words spoken, behind me.
‘I will never forgive you.’
I turn round to see Suze standing in the doorway.
With the gun.
Then, before I can react, she closes the door.
And locks it from the outside.
Her footsteps retreat.
‘Suze? Suze!’
Nothing.
I’m alone.
Surely …
No.
She can’t have done!
A taste of my own medicine?
No. No! We’re starting afresh, it’s fine, she loves me, the world is ours.
But I see the words of the note again in my hand. Stark, black against white. The message is clear.
Then it hits me.
The girl. What about the girl?
Chapter 69
Suze
And so, there we have it. The plan I conceived now brought to life.
My happy little girl, playing in her room.
She won’t play outside again. Can’t have that. I expect she’ll want to. But she’ll learn. And if she doesn’t – well, she’s got the new skipping rope in there with her. Like Paul has his tie. If he gets desperate.
Because I knew, when I saw her playing outside her window after I learnt what I learnt about Cara, that this other little girl was made for me. That she was brought by fate. I didn’t quite understand how, at first. I needed my thinking time. I needed to test my brain, my emotions, to make sure they were working correctly. Hence the walk to the shops. And, of course, I suspected I wouldn’t be going out and about again for quite some time. Because I can’t leave them here, now, can I? Not my new family. Plus I needed all the gifts, didn’t I? The draw. To supplement the cupcakes.
And I’m true to my word. There will be cupcakes. For my new little daughter. My little Lizzie. Frosted with my own fair hands. Not for Paul. He can starve, for all I care. Or put his new tie to good use. Because there’s not much hope of escaping from that room otherwise. I know. I’ve been there. And I had someone to escort me to and from the bathroom. And bring me food. Sorry, Paul. But those are luxuries you don’t deserve.
Never mind him though. He is not my prime concern now. He had to trust me. That is all. If I’m pregnant again, after that last liaison, so be it. If I have to see his face close to mine when I shut my eyes, even to blink, on the occasions I don’t see Cara or Belle, then so be it. If my spine continues to shiver at the thought of his touch, so be it. That changes nothing. We are done.
All I must think about is you, my new daughter. We’ll be so happy together. I’m longing to tell you how much I love you already. Maybe I will tell you. Maybe I’ll write to you. And I can ask you to put on that lovely little outfit I laid out for ghost Cara. Complete with cat buttons on the cardigan. There’s no hurry, though. I know where you are. I’ll always know where you are.
Safe, here, with me.
I’m thinking already of the fun things we can do together, even from the confines of the house. All the things my practice daughter couldn’t do with me in the end. The teenage shopping trips. The boy chats. The champagne afternoon tea in town. The shopping, we can do online. The boy chats we can do using Tinder – which way will you swipe? And the champagne afternoon tea can of course be on a tray, right inside your own room. We might have to start soon. Accelerate the programme. I don’t want to miss all that again.
Oh hush, little baby, please don’t cry. Mummy will sing you a lullaby. You’re safe, darling. Safe, here with me. I whisper that to you through the door, the locked door. Shhh, darling. Shhh. These are happy times. Crying subsides. Just the odd sob. Or perhaps that’s my own?
Your parents will worry, of course. Or rather, your former parents. They may even think they miss you as much as I miss my Cara. My Belle. But they don’t deserve you. Because they’re not careful enough. They haven’t learnt the lessons that I have learnt. How to be a good mother. One, keep your baby wrapped up in cotton wool. Two, never let them leave your sight. Three, no one else can be trusted. Four, with my new knowledge, I can get it right this time. Otherwise, what was the point of Cara dy—going? If I can’t learn from my mistakes. Remedy Paul’s mistakes.
And if the outside comes in to find me – well, they won’t find me. Or the other two. Because in the worst-case scenario, I have the gun. And I have the bullets. They’re reunited. The gun, too easy to find, in the bottom of our wardrobe. The little bullets were waiting for it in the base of the kitchen blender, the one I don’t use any more. And all of us will be reunited in heaven, or in the sodden earth, if need be. No one is taking my little girl away from me. Not this time.
And so just like that, I’m a mother again. I don’t know for how long. But I’ll savour it while it lasts.
CARINA™
ISBN: 978-1-474-04956-6
THE GOOD MOTHER
© 2016 A. L. Bird
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