Martin might describe that as a ‘breakthrough moment’. I did begin to cry, and Meg put her arms around me and she started crying too. I wanted Martin to buzz off and leave us to it, but he sat there observing us as if we were two animals in the lab.
‘That’s good, that’s really good,’ he said after a few minutes. ‘It’s very encouraging that you can express it in this way. Many people resort to anger, even violence, Peter. It’s good that you let it out this way.’
We emerged from our first session as if we’d just exited the most traumatic Jeremy Kyle show ever. My eyes and face were red, as were Meg’s, there was no hiding the fact that we’d been for one heck of a ride.
Another couple was sitting in the waiting area. Martin’s next victims, no doubt. They were young, very young, surely not of an age where they should need marriage counselling. There can’t have been much time for anything to go wrong in their relationship.
‘We went in there laughing our heads off,’ I said to the bloke. ‘You might want to ask for your money back before it’s too late.’
He gave me an uncomfortable smile and took his companion’s hand. He probably wondered what he’d let himself in for.
Meg and I headed for the toilets and made ourselves respectable once again. I felt drained and washed out. There was no way I was returning to work, I’d call Diane and tell her I’d need some time.
Meg couldn’t have dropped a bigger bomb on me if she’d tried. But, that said, it wasn’t entirely unexpected. I’d thought about it myself more than once since the IVF hell had begun. Was it unfaithful if it only happened in the mind? Probably not, but I knew exactly why Meg had done it. I hated that she had, but what did I expect? If it hadn’t been her, it would have been me.
‘Did you use protection?’ I asked when she finally emerged from the ladies’ toilets. She looked calmer, the redness had gone.
‘There’s no chance I’m going to end up as a dad to some other guy’s kid am I?’
She looked taken aback as if she hadn’t been prepared for that question.
‘There’s ... there’s no chance of that, Pete ... no chance. There’s no way it’s going to interfere with the IVF. I want your child, Pete, nobody else’s.’
I believed her completely. I wanted to scream at her, beat the shit out of the guy she’d slept with and smash up everything in the reception area of the marriage guidance building. But, more than anything, I knew that I wanted my wife back. It made me resolve to hang on in there, to try a little harder. Maybe Daniel had just got his revenge on me for sleeping with Meg while they were still together. Perhaps it was karma.
I tormented myself with images of Meg rolling in the sheets with some guy. What had he done with her? Had she taken him in her mouth? Had he kissed her gorgeous breasts and fingered her caressingly as she loved me to do? Some bastard had violated our territory, Meg had let him. But we’d both had sexual partners before, there was no sense torturing myself with who did what to whom. Meg had once done something very dirty with one of her exes, she’d let it slip once when we were talking filthy, but it was just something that I didn’t fancy, it didn’t turn me on. Relationships are sacred, they are what they are, they’re different with everyone. It does nobody any good to hear what their wife got up to with some boyfriend from years back. I’d never told Meg what I’d done with Janet Fitch at university. God, that girl had some imagination. There were parts of my romantic life that I’d never even mentioned. You’ve lived a lot already when you meet somebody later in life, you’re not always going to mention everything. Some things need to stay private. If I pushed Meg for the details, I’d turn into a bitter, twisted, broken wreck. I saw that with some clarity, in spite of my burning anger.
I was jealous of him too. Jealous that he’d somehow brought pleasure to my wife in a way that I was presently unable to. All I wanted was my hot, sexy, happy wife back again. I knew I’d have to work harder at it. What had happened was really crappy.
The IVF sex was even more problematic after that. I’d had difficulty getting hard, I kept thinking about what she’d done. Was Meg comparing me with him? Did I disappoint her? Was I giving her what she craved?
We both had separate follow-up sessions with Martin. Meg went first, she felt it was doing some good. She was relieved to have her secret out in the open. She hated herself, would never forgive herself, it was meaningless she assured me.
That word ‘meaningless’ again. When I thought of another man taking my wife in bed, it made me wild with resentment.
I didn’t even fancy him, Pete. He caught me when I was weak. It was the closeness I wanted at first, someone to talk to. About you ... about us. I’ve said I’m sorry. You know I want us to work things out. Start a family.’
I did know that. She might not have fancied him, but she still slept with him. Martin had urged me not to push any further, I knew he was right, but every now and then I felt as if I wanted to know everything: what they did together, how long it lasted, if he did anything that I didn’t do. It would eat me up if I didn’t get a handle on it, I saw that.
Much as I’m reluctant to acknowledge it, my one-to-one with Martin did me a world of good. He let me get angry, I swore a lot and cursed whoever it was that Meg had slept with. Martin let me get on with it. I think I was saying all the things that I wanted to say to Meg, but I knew that it would destroy us if I did. I cried in Martin’s office for the second time. Perhaps that was why I hated him so much. He made me vulnerable where my own wife was concerned. He made me admit how much I loved her.
‘You know, Peter, Meg feels exactly the same about you. You really shouldn’t let this slip through your fingers. If you can possibly forgive Meg, or at least move past it, you have the chance to save your relationship. Meg wants it. You want it. You’ve both told me individually in this room that’s what you want. Now tell it to each other and make it happen.’
He was right. That highly groomed, stupidly bearded, unmarried marriage guidance counsellor was, unfortunately, completely correct. We had to move past it, we had to fight for our marriage.
I’d never loved anyone as much as Meg, I couldn’t imagine ever finding someone that I loved as much as her. We were meant to be together, she knew it, I knew it. Even Martin knew it. We would have to fight even harder to save our relationship. I would keep working at the IVF, attend the counselling sessions, work with Meg to put her cheating behind us.
It wasn’t an affair, there was no relationship, it was no worse than a one-night stand, a mistake, one born out of sadness, loneliness and frustration. It was more about us than it was the sex. However hard it was, I got that.
It was only when I stepped out of Martin’s consulting room feeling much brighter and more positive than I had for many weeks that Steven Terry’s warning came back to me.
You’re going to hurt each other, he’d said. Well, Meg had already completed her part of the prediction. There was just me to follow. But I couldn’t imagine anything else coming true, it was pure coincidence. Steven Terry must have been talking nonsense when he’d warned me that we would deeply wound each other.
I would never have hurt Meg. Never.
Chapter Six
It was wet and cold in the car park. There must have been over a hundred people out there who’d been evacuated from the OverNight Inn. There was a hubbub of chatter as the guests and a handful of staff from the twilight shift made their way to the registration area.
It appeared that a senior manager had been summoned to take charge, so Derek and Jenny were lurking with the rest of us, waiting for the fire service to arrive.
I made my way towards Jenny, she was clearly visible because of her blue uniform.
‘Is that the boss?’ I asked.
‘Yes, he’s Bob Hays, he’s the manager. He gets a call automatically if there’s a problem at night. Poor bloke, it’s the second time this week,’
‘So why are we all standing out here in the cold?’
‘It was a ground floor
alarm going off – your floor actually – we don’t know why yet. It’s not fire, I’m sure of that. Derek doesn’t think it’s a fire either. It’s so wet out here – I hope they get it sorted out quickly.’
‘How long do you reckon it will take until we’re back inside?’
‘About half an hour usually, they have to go through the building, make sure it’s clear.’
‘Plenty of time to get Little Dorrit read then?’ I suggested.
‘With any luck it’s what they used to start the fire!’
Jenny was fun. Away from the corporate nonsense and scripted welcomes hid a mischievous personality. I liked her.
Bob was calling for her to come over. I could see that he was not a particularly pleasant boss by the way he abruptly summoned her. She looked at me to indicate that she needed to go.
‘Good luck with the boss,’ I offered, ‘he doesn’t look like a happy bloke!’
She shook her head and made her way over to Bob.
With Jenny now in conversation with a concerned looking Bob, I moved through the crowd, seeking out familiar faces. Most people had their heads buried in phones, and I decided to join them. Mine was on full charge, it had been plugged in for several hours.
A couple of nights during the course of a month, I’d be on call. It went with the job. It was a bit of a pain, but most nights any calls were from bewildered listeners who’d lost their dog or who had a village fete that they wanted to get advertised on air. At two o’ clock in the morning.
I wasn’t on call that weekend, so it had given me the chance to be slacker with my phone checking. The screen illuminated and I checked my text messages. Jem really had been trying hard to get hold of me. There were almost ten messages there. I deleted them without reading, they were all sent before his call got through to me in the bar, there would be nothing new.
Once Jem’s messages had gone, it left just two more. One from Meg, one from my mum. The message from my mum was one of her regular misfires. She was really making an effort to get to grips with the technology. I’d bought her a super simple phone with extra large buttons. All you could do on it was to phone or text. That was it – big buttons and very limited functionality. Mum had obviously been feeling adventurous that night. She’d texted me my own phone number. She must have got mixed up with dialling and texting. I resolved to go through it with her again next time I saw her. For my own sanity rather than hers.
The final text was from Meg. It had been sent late on Friday evening, several hours after I’d left for Newcastle.
Live your! Got a specially surprised for your northeast. Seems you’re laterally! xxx
When it came to mobile phones, Meg shared a talent with my mum. It was like putting a dangerous weapon in the hands of a toddler. She couldn’t get the hang of changing the suggested words in the predictive text on her phone. Every message from her was like a scene from The Imitation Game, I felt like Alan Turing trying to figure out what she was trying to say.
‘Live your!’ was easy, I’d seen that many times before. It was ‘Love you!’ Good news, it was a conciliatory text. I thought back to what I’d been doing a couple of hours earlier with Ellie. For the first time since cheating, I sensed the weight of the secret I was going to have to carry. Was I cut out for such deception? Meg had just said that she loved me, and I already felt like a despicable love rat.
I looked at the other words. What on earth was she trying to say? Got a special surprise? That looked likely. But what was the northeast bit? I’d have to key in the message as if I was about to send it myself and look at the matching words which came up, I was completely thrown by the northeast bit. I was in the northeast, in Newcastle. What was Meg trying to say?
I sensed someone moving towards me. It was Ellie. I put my phone in my pocket, I’d decipher Meg’s message later. It seemed to be friendly, at least.
‘Cold out here, isn’t it?’ she said, breaking the ice.
There was no need for things to be awkward. We were both adults, we’d both had sex before. Nobody knew we’d been together. As far as any of my colleagues were aware, we were just chatting after meeting in the bar earlier that night.
‘It’s not the quiet night in I’d expected. Do you think they have to pay out under their guarantee when something like this happens?’
‘They’ll lose a fortune if they do,’ Ellie replied, then looked up as the flashing lights from a fire engine drew everybody’s attention.
There was a ripple of ‘At last!’ comments, like a verbal Mexican wave. It was cold and wet out in the car park.
‘Any news from your bloke?’ I asked.
‘Don’t talk to me about Dave! I’ve had three missed calls and fourteen text messages from him. All ranting about what a slut I am. I mean, I guess I have been a bit of a slut, but only tonight. I’m not usually like that.’
She’d lowered her voice for the last two sentences, making sure nobody could hear. I was feeling bad about Meg’s text, how she’d reached out while I was making plans to betray her. I didn’t feel like playing the flirtation game with Ellie.
‘Is this Dave guy likely to cause you any problems or is he just getting it out of his system?’
‘Difficult to say,’ said Ellie, watching the firefighters as they prepared to enter the building. They were liaising with Bob.
‘He can be a real weirdo sometimes, he’s so suspicious and jealous ...’
Ellie paused. She looked as if she’d just seen Fred West, Norman Bates and Sweeney Todd walking towards her.’
‘Oh no, surely not here ...’
Her eyes searched desperately in the distance, she was trying to make out something – or somebody.
‘What is it, Ellie? What’s up?’
She’d changed completely from the playful woman of moments before. She was deadly serious. She was scared.
‘Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit!’
‘Ellie, what’s up? Tell me.’
She continued scanning the crowd, she was hunting for a face. We had only the light from the street lamps to work with, the flashes of the fire engine made things even harder to make out. She calmed down, visibly relaxing.
‘It can’t have been him, surely not here in Newcastle. There’s no way he could know I was here.’
‘Ellie, what’s going on? What are you talking about?’
‘It’s not him I’m sure. They warned him off. He can’t possibly be here.’
I could see that she was really rattled. She’d completely changed from the woman I’d met earlier.
‘Who is it, Ellie? Is it Dave? Has he come down here?’
‘No, it’s not Dave,’ she picked up, at last averting her eyes from the crowd of people and looking directly at me.
‘It’s not Dave. I thought it was a guy called Tony Miller. I was sure I saw him in the crowd, but it can’t be him. He was with a woman – it must be a hotel guest – there’s no reason for him to be here.’
‘Who is Tony Miller?’ I asked, desperate to know what had shaken her.
‘It’s one of the perks of being on TV, Pete. It attracts the weirdos. Tony Miller is my stalker. He’s not supposed to come anywhere near me. I haven’t seen him for months now. But it messes you up having a stalker, Pete. I thought I saw him. For a moment I was certain he was in the crowd.’
Things were tough for a few days after I’d learnt about Meg’s infidelity. They continued to be difficult, of course, but the rage inside me soon began to die down a little. The bottom line was that I knew exactly why she’d done it, it was the same reason that I was feeling so lost at that time. It didn’t make it any easier to deal with, but it didn’t feel like an act of spite. In some bizarre way, it had come out of a misguided attempt to put things right.
I tried to move on, not to dwell on things. My chat with Martin had been useful, more helpful than I would ever admit. That whole ugly episode had made me realise how much I wanted to fight for our marriage. I wanted it to work.
In spite of me steppin
g up to this latest relationship challenge, things immediately took a downturn in the bedroom. We had an IVF schedule to observe after all. But when it came to it, I couldn’t get turned on. I just thought about what Meg had done and how that man – whoever he was – had made love to my wife. The very thought of it made everything sink, not just my heart. The increasing irony of having a doctor named Dick struck me once again. Only this time, I didn’t find it funny.
So now in our next session with Martin he would get to hear about my erectile dysfunction. It was only a new thing, hopefully temporary, but it was yet another block to making things right with Meg. It was a lost opportunity, another night on which there was no chance of her conceiving.
How long would it take until things got back to normal? I thought about Meg’s fling, who would have had no problems in the bedroom department. Would she go back to him? Did she fancy him? This infidelity was burning me up, I needed to move beyond it. If I didn’t, the marriage would struggle even more. We’d drift even further apart.
When Meg announced that she was going out with a friend, my immediate reaction was to ask her ‘Which friend?’ I held back, I knew it wouldn’t be helpful. I’d heard Meg in the counselling sessions, I really believed that she wanted our relationship to work, as I did. I had to trust her and move on. Besides, I wanted a bit of time to place a private online order.
Meg anticipated my concern and attempted to put my mind at ease.
‘It’s not him, Pete. Don’t worry, it’s over. It won’t happen again. It was a mistake, I know it was. I can’t ever put it right, but please trust me, I want this to work.’
I kissed her, she hugged me back, it felt okay. When Meg had left the house, I was straight onto my computer. I opened up the incognito link and started browsing. Bingo! You could buy erection pills online without having to see a doctor. Self-certification, I love the internet. It was a reputable site too, no dodgy stuff from a backstreet store. I’d seen the posters in the toilets in motorway service stations, but I hadn’t needed it then. I needed a quick fix, I didn’t want it to be something that I had to share with Doctor Dick or Martin. I ordered two packets of four for starters, I hoped the problem would pass soon enough, but it would be useful to have the cavalry on hand just in case.
Don't Tell Meg Trilogy Box Set Page 7