The Affair

by Colette Freedman

  Stephanie couldn’t help but wonder how she would look if her lover had just said he was walking out. How would she feel? How was Kathy feeling right now? In that moment, Stephanie felt an extraordinary rush of pity for the other woman. She folded her arms across her chest; she couldn’t afford to feel pity for Kathy. This was the woman who had effectively driven her husband away with her uncaring indifference.

  Kathy looked at the quaint room and found that she liked it; it wasn’t her taste, it was just a little too fussy, but it was homey and comfortable, not at all what she’d imagined it was going to be. She’d somehow imagined that Robert’s mistress would be a slave to fashion and have an apartment straight out of In Style magazine. It was spotlessly neat of course, but it was easy to keep a house clean if you didn’t have two teens running about.

  Kathy turned a full circle. “It’s very nice,” she said eventually. She was relieved to find no pictures of Robert and Stephanie on the walls, no signs that he was already living there. “I suppose you know why I’m here.”

  Stephanie looked at her closely, spotting the remarkable resemblance between them, and realized with a frisson of horror that she was seeing herself as she would be in ten years’ time. Or at least as she would be if her husband had just left her for a younger woman. “So he’s told you about us?” she asked coldly.

  Kathy shook her head. “No. Robert didn’t tell me.”

  Stephanie nodded slowly. Trying to prevent her voice from trembling, she said coolly, “So, you found out.”

  “I found out,” Kathy said, her voice as icy as Stephanie’s. “I found out about you and him.” Anger began to edge her words.

  “I thought he’d told you. He said he was going to.”

  “Robert says he’s going to do lots of things. Then he forgets,” Kathy added bitterly. “I just want some answers. That’s all. I can’t ask him—I can’t ask him anything—because he’ll lie. He’ll lie to me. I’ve discovered that he’s been doing that a lot lately. And since I can’t ask him, I thought I’d ask you instead.”

  And although Stephanie did not want to speak to this woman, she felt that she owed her that much. She nodded. “I was going to make some tea. Would you like some?”

  “Yes. Please.” Kathy pulled off her coat and folded it over the back of a chair while Stephanie disappeared into the kitchen. Kathy hesitated a moment, then followed her, unconsciously taking up the same position and the same pose that Robert had adopted on Friday night.

  “On the way over here I knew down to the last word everything I was going to say to you. Now that I’m here, I can’t think of anything worthwhile to say. But I never intended to hit you,” she added, embarrassed by the action. “That was . . . unnecessary.”

  “I’d have done the same thing. If you want to shout at me, scream at me, I’d understand that too.”

  Kathy shook her head. “What’s the point?”

  Stephanie nodded.

  “Why?” Kathy asked simply. “Why did you take my husband from me? Why would you do that?”

  Stephanie concentrated on the kettle. “It just . . . happened,” she said, surprisingly softly. “It just happened.”

  “Things don’t just happen,” Kathy said. “People make things happen. You made this happen.”

  “And Robert too,” Stephanie added.

  Kathy nodded, forced to agree. “Yes, he did.”

  “And you.” Stephanie rounded on Kathy. “You had a part in this too.”

  Kathy was taken aback by the fervor in the other woman’s voice. “I did nothing . . . ,” she began.

  “Exactly,” Stephanie snapped. She was getting angry, terribly angry. She wasn’t going to shoulder the entire blame for this. Kathy was responsible, Robert was responsible, and she was responsible too. “I want you to know that I never set out to have an affair with him. I’ve never had a relationship with a married man before. I got together with Robert . . . I allowed myself to get close to Robert because I understood that you and he had parted. Emotionally, I mean.”

  Kathy opened her mouth to snap a denial, but then she closed it again. Was it true? Could it be true? She watched the younger woman make tea in the rather sterile-looking kitchen. She’d recalled Stephanie as being much more glamorous than she was, slimmer, prettier. Maybe that was just her memory playing tricks; the Stephanie she was looking at now was rather ordinary looking in a well-kept sort of way. Was this the woman Robert was thinking of leaving her for?

  Kathy accepted the tea from Stephanie’s hand, noting the slightest tremble on the surface of the tea. But maybe it was her own hands shaking.

  Together the two women went back into the living room, Stephanie taking up her usual place, Kathy settling into the chair usually occupied by her husband. They drank their tea in silence, not quite looking at one another.

  “I saw you last night,” Kathy said, breaking the long silence. “Coming out of the gym. I was so angry then, but only for a moment. Just a single instant. Then I felt . . . nothing.”

  Stephanie nodded, not entirely sure what to say. She was trying to remember what they had said and done last night. They’d been talking about children, and she’d kissed him. Had Kathy seen that? Probably. Stephanie found herself wondering how she would feel if she saw Robert kissing another woman.

  “What do you want to know?” she asked eventually.

  “I’m not sure,” Kathy said truthfully. “When I set out to come here, I was going to fight for him. I was going to plead with you to let him go, ask you not to take him away from me, from his children. But I’m not sure I want to do that anymore.”

  “Why not?” Stephanie whispered.

  “I want my husband back . . . but I don’t want him to come back to something he doesn’t want to commit to.”

  Stephanie nodded. She could understand that all too clearly.

  “Tell me something . . . ,” Kathy continued.

  Watching this woman, Stephanie tried to analyze her own emotions; unexpected feelings that were churning through her at this moment. Stephanie had never really thought too much about Kathy. Izzie had been right: Everything she knew about this woman had been filtered through Robert, and he, no doubt, had edited the story to make it his version of the truth. It worried her now that she was beginning to feel the first stirrings of sympathy for Kathy.

  “Six years ago, when you first joined the company, did you have an affair with Robert?”

  “No,” Stephanie said simply, “I didn’t. I was an employee, nothing more. I swear to you that there was absolutely nothing between us.”

  And Kathy believed her. She took a moment to absorb the answer, looking at the woman sitting across from her. They were strangers, with nothing in common—except the one man. Her man. The man who Stephanie Burroughs had tried to take from her. But that feeling was changing; her perspective was altering. Stephanie was right. She was not entirely to blame. Stephanie might have made herself available to Robert, but he, in turn, had responded and made himself available to the younger woman. And suddenly Kathy was forced to ask herself what she had done. She had distanced herself enough from him to allow him to act—and think—like that.

  “Do you believe me?” Stephanie asked.

  Kathy nodded. Her eyes filled with tears. “I was wrong then. I was wrong.”

  “Wrong?”

  “I made a mistake back then—about you and him.”

  “Yes, you did. I didn’t realize until very recently that you’d made the accusation. Have you accused him again?”

  “Not yet. This time I wanted to be sure. I wanted to speak to you first.”

  “Maybe you should have done that before,” Stephanie snapped.

  “Maybe I should have,” Kathy agreed.

  “When did you find out about us?”

  “Thursday evening. By accident. I needed an address for a Christmas card, and I discovered your name in Robert’s phone. There was a little red flag beside it. I jumped to a conclusion: the same conclusion I jumped to six yea
rs ago. Then I was wrong; this time, I was right. When I went looking for proof I discovered that it wasn’t that hard to find. Sometimes I think he wanted me to find out and save him the trouble of having to face me and tell me himself.”

  “As far as I can see, he’s done everything in his power to keep this a secret from you. He didn’t want to hurt you.” Stephanie was unable to keep the trace of bitterness from her voice.

  “I’ve been trying to analyze over the past few days when exactly the rot began in our marriage. I think I can pinpoint it back to that moment, six years ago, when I accused him of having an affair with you. I made a mistake then; am I paying for it now?”

  “I’ve told you: We weren’t involved then.”

  “I believe you,” Kathy said.

  “Why did you accuse him in the first place?” Stephanie had the sudden urge to reach out and touch Kathy’s hand.

  “He was always with you, always talking about you, spending time away with you. You were so young, pretty, idealistic. I was jealous, I suppose. I thought it was inevitable that he’d sleep with you.”

  “But it wasn’t. He never even hit on me. Remember, we were working all hours of the day on that huge project. He couldn’t afford to hire a second researcher, and you’d backed away from the business to raise your kids. That’s how we were thrown together.”

  “But I made the accusation. He denied it of course. I called him a liar, doubted him, and you know something, once you doubt someone, then there’s no way to come back from that. It taints everything.”

  Stephanie nodded. She’d spent weeks doubting Robert’s intention to commit to her. And even now, even with the words said, she still had the vaguest of niggling reservations.

  They drank their tea in silence.

  “I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the past few days,” Kathy continued, “and there were times when I hated you. Absolutely despised you. I wanted to know if you were seducing him just because you could, like it was some sort of game, or . . .”

  “It wasn’t like that,” Stephanie said urgently.

  “Then what was it like? What gave you the right?”

  “You did. You gave me the right,” Stephanie snapped.

  Kathy looked at her blankly.

  “When you pushed him away, pushed him out of your life. Then I allowed myself to be interested in him.”

  Kathy opened her mouth to respond, but Stephanie held up a hand.

  “And then I fell in love with him.” Stephanie took a deep, shuddering breath. “And that changed everything.”

  Kathy felt her stomach churn. It was hard to sit there and listen to this woman talk about loving her—her—husband. “Maureen said she’d seen you together. She told me that she thought you were in love with him.”

  Stephanie shrugged. “It just happened. I didn’t plan it.”

  Kathy pressed on as if she hadn’t heard Stephanie. “And I remembered why I had fallen in love with him. He was very charming.”

  Stephanie nodded.

  “And he was gentle and hapless, and he made me laugh. And he was passionate. So passionate about his work. He had such dreams.”

  “He still has,” Stephanie whispered.

  “He doesn’t tell me anymore.”

  “Why not?” Stephanie asked, and she was genuinely curious now.

  “I don’t know. When I left R&K to raise the children, I guess he assumed that I’d no further interest in the business. He no longer saw me as a business partner, only as a wife and mother. He stopped telling me what he was doing, stopped asking my advice. I was bringing up two young children. He had no idea how exhausting that was—still is. He was leaving early in the morning, coming home later and later at night. I had the sole responsibility for raising the kids twenty-four hours a day. By the time he got home, all I wanted to do was sleep.”

  Stephanie stood up and took Kathy’s empty cup and her own. She returned to the kitchen to fill them. Was it only last night she’d been thinking about having a child with Robert? How would that affect their relationship? How would he regard her once the child was born?

  Robert had never really talked to Stephanie about his relationship with his kids. He’d simply spoken about them in a general way, but she’d never realized just how much of the parenting responsibilities had fallen to Kathy. When she was together with Robert, their relationship was entirely a selfish one: They concentrated on one another. She’d never really thought about his children.. . . What would happen to them when he left? What would they think of her?

  She returned to the living room with two fresh cups.

  Kathy tore open a packet of Stevia and watched the crystals disappear into her tea.

  “I’ve no sugar,” Stephanie said.

  “I prefer sweetener,” Kathy remarked. “I’m trying to cut down.”

  “Robert prefers sugar,” Stephanie said, “but I deliberately don’t keep it in the house. It’s so bad for him.”

  “I know,” Kathy said coldly. Every time Stephanie spoke about Robert in a personal way, she had to bite back her temper.

  “How did you find me?”

  “Your address was in Robert’s phone. I came by here the other night; I needed to see where you lived.”

  “Oh, so you were the woman with the mysterious Christmas present.”

  “That was me.”

  “What were you looking for?”

  “Proof. Plus, I wanted—needed—to see you and Robert together.”

  “And when you did . . .”

  “You reminded me of how we used to look. Happy. Holding hands, kissing, content with one another, relaxed. Just . . . happy.”

  “I’m sorry about what’s happened . . .” Stephanie began, and she was genuinely sorry.

  “You didn’t destroy our marriage,” Kathy said bitterly. “We just drifted. If there’s blame to be laid, then it can be laid at both doors.”

  “You never found yourself a lover?” Stephanie said with a wry smile.

  Kathy laughed. “Not with two children. How can I have an affair when I have to deal with carpool and piano lessons and soccer practices? An affair needs lots of free time, opportunity, and commitment to make it work. I had precious little of any of those because I have children and a husband. And because I’m not you.”

  “Wait a minute—”

  “Look, I’ve gone beyond blaming you personally; I think that if he hadn’t had an affair with you, then it would have happened with someone else.”

  Stephanie blinked in shock and drew back a little. She recalled her own flickering fears about Illona and the way she looked at Robert. “You mean . . .”

  “I mean if he was withdrawing from me and wanted comfort or companionship, then he would have taken it anywhere he could.” She was unable to resist adding, “You just happened to be . . . convenient. The mistake Robert made was placing the job before his family; the mistake I made was allowing him to.”

  Stephanie stared at her numbly. Was what Kathy was saying true? Was there the possibility that Robert would have had a relationship with anyone, or rather, any available person?

  “When I discovered that you were sending business his way, I even began to rationalize his relationship with you, saying it was purely business. Then I hated myself for thinking that he’d sleep with you just to get some work for the company.”

  Stephanie opened her mouth to reply, but said nothing. That thought—that bitter, foul thought—had crossed her mind on too many occasions, even before Izzie had voiced it. She licked dry lips, and her voice was husky when she spoke. “Well, that’s not going to happen anymore. My boss has given me orders that R&K is not to get any more contracts from us.”

  Kathy sat back into the chair, absorbing the news. “Does Robert know?” she asked eventually.

  “I told him last night.”

  “How did he take it?”

  Stephanie’s smile was humorless. “He wasn’t pleased.”

  “What are the implications of that decision?”<
br />
  “If he doesn’t get his act together and get more work very soon, then the company might go under.”

  “It might be a good thing if it did,” Kathy said, surprising Stephanie with her passion. “Maybe if he could get a simple nine-to-five job, it would simplify things. He works too hard. In many ways, that’s at the root of all this.”

  “I suggested the very same thing to him last night.”

  “I bet he wasn’t happy about that either.”

  Stephanie shook her head, a ghost of a smile curling her lips. “He looked like I’d just hit him.”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen that expression,” Kathy agreed. “Quite recently in fact, when I suggested I’d go back into the business with him now that the kids are older. My husband doesn’t have much of a poker face.”

  Stephanie said nothing; she didn’t want to tell this woman that only last night—probably only moments before Kathy had spotted them kissing—they had been talking about having children together.

  There was a long moment of uneasy silence. Finally, Kathy spoke. “When was he going to tell me?”

  “After Christmas,” Stephanie said shortly. She was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with Kathy’s presence in the house. She wanted her out; she wanted time to think.

  “Was he going to move out?” Kathy wondered.

  “He said he was going to spend New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day with me.”

  “That’s not quite the same thing as moving out.” Kathy got up and stood by the window, staring out across the courtyard.

  “No, it’s not.” Stephanie stood and folded her arms across her chest. “Kathy, I want you to know that I was the one who forced him to come to a decision about us. We’ve been involved for eighteen months, and serious for about six of those—or at least, I’ve been serious. I wasn’t so sure of Robert. I was tired of the uncertainty and the insecurity. I told him to choose. I had a feeling that, left to his own devices, he’d have allowed things to drift on and on.”