“What do you think I did to her?” he sputtered.
She was shaking her head over and over. “I thought perhaps you said something foolish to her, something unintentionally unkind. But this? I never…she never said a word about it.”
Gabriel held back a curse and turned away from his sister. “Well, forget I said a word then, too. I didn’t mean to break her confidence.”
Audrey caught his arm and turned him toward her. Her face was lined with concern and bright with kindness. “Gabriel, you are not breaking confidences. I’m your sister and I can see from the look on your face that this is not easy for you. Why don’t you talk to me about it?”
Gabriel caught his breath. He knew he could trust Audrey. He adored Audrey. But he’d never been one to spill his heart for all to see. Hell, he tried not to consider his heart at all. His mind was better to focus on. But Juliet addled his mind entirely.
“What is there to say?” He pulled his arm from his sister’s hand and paced away. “I kissed her. Twice. I shouldn’t have.”
“Why not?”
He faced Audrey with a shake of his head. “I think that should be obvious.”
Her eyebrows lifted slowly. “But it isn’t. Not to me.”
He let out his breath in a frustrated sigh. “How can I have time to pursue a woman like her and try to help Claire?”
Audrey’s lips pursed and she shook her head. “A woman like her? What does that mean?”
“Smart,” he burst out with more passion than he’d meant to reveal. “Beautiful. Fascinating. Frustrating.”
His sister’s face softened. “Good, I thought you were referring to her rank. Or lack of it. I was going to chide you for being such a snob.”
He drew back. “She has accused me of that as well, but I don’t give a damn about her upbringing or position. I would think you know me better than that.”
“I’m sorry,” Audrey soothed. “I do know you better, it is why I was taken aback when I misunderstood. But Gabriel, what you say leads me to believe that you might…you might care for Juliet. Is that true?”
“No!” he cried, but the word sounded like a lie. “Yes,” he corrected, then shook his head. “No. No. I care for Claire.”
“But why must you choose?”
“Because I must,” he snapped.
Audrey drew a shaky breath and swiped at a sudden tear that had somehow appeared in the corner of her eye. Gabriel flinched to see it there, knowing he was the cause of it. “Claire wouldn’t want you to lock yourself away,” Audrey said softly.
Gabriel ducked his head. He knew that was true. Claire would have railed at him for his obsession. He could practically hear her voice now, teasing him with both firmness and gentleness. And she would have liked Juliet so much.
“Claire doesn’t know what Claire would want,” he said, cutting off the thoughts. “So it is foolish for us to speculate what she would say or do in this situation.”
Audrey was quiet for what seemed like an eternity, just watching him, her gaze burning beneath his skin. “My dearest, sweetest brother, I know Claire is your twin. You two have such a strong bond and no one would ever ask you to sever that. But we all are so worried about you. Stop carrying our sister on your back.”
He glared at her, wishing her words didn’t jingle in his ears like the keys to a cage he had been locked in for two years. “What would you have me do?”
She reached for his hands. “Live, Gabriel. Or at the very least don’t hurt someone else in the process.”
He shut his eyes. Yes, he had done that, hadn’t he? With Josie. And now with Juliet.
“Should I—should I speak to her?” he asked.
She smiled. “For such a brilliant mind, you don’t know people. Yes, you should talk to her. Give her a day or two, then call on her.”
He swallowed. He’d hoped after tonight to just avoid Juliet Gray for the rest of her visit. The rest of his life. But that didn’t seem to be a possibility. And since he didn’t want to hurt her, it appeared this was his only option.
“Very well,” he said with a sigh. “I’ll call on her day after tomorrow. And I’ll try, despite my failings when it comes to people, to make it right.”
Audrey smiled and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Gabriel, they aren’t failings. Now, will you rejoin the party?”
He shook his head. “No, I think I’ve had enough tonight. And perhaps for Juliet’s sake I should go.”
“Very well.” Audrey squeezed his hand before she slipped from the room.
He stood alone in the dimness after she’d gone, pondering what she’d said. He knew his failings, even if Audrey refused to call them that. He only hoped that he could find a way to make up for them.
Chapter Six
In Lady Woodley’s parlor the day after the ball, Juliet sat in the window seat. Her open book was in her lap, but she wasn’t reading it. Instead, she found herself staring out at the busy street below. She was endlessly fascinated and equally repulsed by the never-ending bustle of London. All day and all night carriages rumbled up the fashionable street. Even in the cold winter afternoon people streamed in and out of the park across the way. Horses pranced by bearing well-heeled riders bent on showing off. There was never a moment’s peace, it seemed.
She suddenly longed for the quiet of her life in Idleridge. There she knew everyone around her and they knew her. She might go a day without seeing but one person pass her door. It was ever so much more…serene.
Her eye was caught by the approach of yet another horse on the street. Only this one slowed as it reached the gate and turned in. The man sitting on it was broad shouldered, tall, a wonderful rider.
“Gabriel. Oh damn,” she muttered as she realized exactly who she had been admiring. Quickly she set her book aside and leapt to her feet in the hopes she could dash upstairs to her quarters before he made his entrance.
But she had no more made it to the parlor door when she heard his voice in the hallway.
“Good afternoon, Vernon,” he intoned in the foyer, and there was shuffling as the butler took his gloves. “Is Miss Gray at home?”
“Yes, sir. She’s in the front parlor.”
“Damn again,” Juliet sighed, and now dashed back to her position in the window seat.
She settled her skirts around her, grabbed for the book and tried to affect a placid image despite the fact that she could barely breathe from running all around the room. Oh, and the anticipation of seeing the man who had so thoroughly kissed her the last time they were together.
The door to the parlor opened but she refused to look up from the unseen words that danced on the page before her. It was only when Gabriel cleared his throat that she lifted a hand as if finishing her sentence, then made a show of placing her bookmark before she dared to meet his eyes.
“Good afternoon, Miss Gray,” he said, his gaze rolling over her in one swift movement that made her heart pound all the faster.
“Lord Gabriel,” she said without rising. “I am sorry, but your mother is not in residence at present.”
Oh, how she wished Lady Woodley was. At least the dowager would provide a buffer if she were there to be called.
He blinked, as if confused. “My mother made calls without you? I wouldn’t think she would abandon you like that.”
She shook her head. “Oh, no, not at all. Actually, my father offered to escort her around the park this afternoon and she accepted.”
His brow wrinkled, but it didn’t stop him from entering the room and slowly closing the door behind himself. She watched him do it, suddenly feeling like a rabbit cornered by a fox.
“He did?” Gabriel asked.
She nodded, though she noted his incredulous tone. “Do you not approve?”
“It matters little to me,” he said. “Your father seems a decent enough sort and my mother is certainly wise enough to decide on her own who her friends should be. If she is enjoying herself, I say to them go and be well.”
Some of the tension in Juliet’s chest faded slightly. It was no mystery to her that her father and Lady Woodley had retained a strong connection from whatever their relationship had been in their youth. She was happy to see her father so happy, though she worried about a future he might not be able to have.
And she also worried that Lady Woodley’s children might not like the idea of their beloved mother being courted by a man with very little means and only a sharp mind and kind heart to recommend him.
But Gabriel truly didn’t seem to care.
“It really doesn’t matter,” he continued. “After all, I did not come to see my mother.”
She had heard him ask after her in the foyer, but still feigned surprise, if only to delay what would surely be an awkward moment between them. “No? Then why are you here?”
“To speak to you, of course.” He crossed the room and perched himself on the opposite end of the wide window seat where she sat.
Her mouth went dry as she stared at him, so very handsome, so very dark and delectable. A man who was everything she dreamed of and yet did not want her. Or wouldn’t allow himself to, at any rate.
“Why?” she asked, her voice barely carrying. “I think we resolved everything between us on the terrace two nights ago.”
“We didn’t,” he said. “It has come to my attention that our exchange hurt you, Juliet. And as a gentleman, I cannot let that stand.”
“So you come here out of a sense of duty,” she said slowly, trying not to let disappointment fill her. And frustration. Josie or Audrey had told him about her upset, which was embarrassing to say the least.
“Not exactly,” he said. He was shifting with what appeared to be as much discomfort as she herself felt. But he couldn’t seem to find the words.
“Just say it,” she encouraged gently. “I promise I won’t bite you.”
His eyes widened slightly at the image. One she immediately wished she hadn’t woven because she could too easily imagine doing just that. Not to hurt him, but little love bites along gloriously naked flesh. She shivered despite herself.
“For the past two years, I have immersed myself in information about Claire,” he said.
She blinked. She hadn’t expected him to bring up his missing twin, not when he was supposed to be soothing some kind of wound he had caused her.
“I know your entire family misses her terribly,” Juliet said slowly. “That is no secret.”
“Claire is my second half, or at least she always was as a child,” he said, and there was so much hesitance to his tone that she wanted to wrap her arms around him and comfort him. She didn’t for fear he would push her away, and he continued, “Where I was awkward around strangers, she was a welcoming beacon. When I tried to hide within myself, she coaxed me out. Light to my dark. A smile to my brooding, or at least that is what my brothers call it.”
“I think I would have liked your sister,” Juliet said softly.
He nodded immediately. “You would have. And I have often thought about how much she would adore you.”
Her eyes went wide at that statement. So he had imagined her meeting his wayward sibling? That implied a great deal of connection between them that she had spent months telling herself didn’t exist.
Or did it?
“When she was gone, I lost a part of myself,” he continued, clearly loathe to continue that part of the conversation, if his pained expression was any indication. “And I have been seeking it ever since.”
“I can imagine the heartache,” Juliet said. “Though I never had brothers or sisters. I know when I lost my mother it was like a limb was torn away from my body. I can scarcely imagine losing my father.”
“Claire’s disappearance has been the worst experience of my life.”
She tilted her head to the side to examine him more closely. “Is that why you came here today? To tell me that?”
She was confused if that was the case. It had so little to do with her, even if she could empathize.
“No,” he said slowly. “No, I’ve never expressed those feelings to anyone before. I didn’t really mean to say them to you.”
Her eyes went wide. He had never spoken fully of his loss and pain before this moment? That meant his confession to her was a great gift. She edged a little closer, even though she knew she shouldn’t.
“Then…then why?” she encouraged him, wishing she could reach out to take the strong, lean hand just next to hers on the window seat, but not daring for fear of rejection.
“I-I only wanted you to know that this drive to find my sister has…it has made me sometimes unaware of anything else. Unable to give my time or my focus to anyone else. But when I met you—”
He cut himself off and she stared, her lips parting in surprise. “What changed when you met me?”
“There is no one like you, Juliet Gray,” he said. “Audrey said I hurt your feelings on the terrace. I suppose I knew that even before she told me, even though I’m not the best at reading emotions. But I wasn’t trying to hurt you that night or any night before. And I hope you won’t leave London.”
He leaned closer as he said the words and Juliet couldn’t help but do the same, even though she recognized the folly in it. “Why?” she asked, her hands and voice trembling.
He shook his head, as if he couldn’t find the words to reply. It turned out he didn’t need them. Before he could speak, their mouths met yet again and words fell away unspoken.
Juliet wrapped her arms around his neck as he slid her closer, almost into his lap. His mouth was hungry on hers, rough but not cruel as he drove his tongue against hers, striving to taste her. She arched into him, her hands fisting against his coat as sensation dragged through her, awakening her nerve endings and creating a beating drum of pleasure in her blood.
He murmured something against her lips and then she was dragged even closer, fully into his lap, where she felt the hard ridge of his erection nudge her hip. She so longed to rub against it, to touch him, to make him shudder with pleasure.
Instead, she flattened her breasts against his chest and drowned in his kiss, loving the feel of his fingertips digging into her back, as if he was grasping for purchase. He was a man always in control, and from the trembling of his body she could tell the wire of that control was wearing thin. She wanted so desperately to make it snap.
Of course, if that happened, her own control would likely disintegrate along with it. She would have no strength if he unleashed his desire on her, she knew that. She had known it from the very first time he walked into his mother’s chamber and their eyes had locked.
She’d never felt a physical connection so instant and powerful before him.
His hands slid lower on her back and he cupped her hips, molding her closer. As she brushed his cock through his trousers, he made a muffled moan and then he broke the kiss, turning his head. He didn’t release her, but she felt his withdrawal just the same.
It made her body ache and heat flood to her cheeks as he refused to meet her gaze.
“You obviously have an attraction to me,” she said softly. “But you always pull away and I think there is more reason for that than just a desire to find your sister with no distraction. Are you disgusted by some facet of me? You recoil from me, so I wonder what is so wrong with me, Gabriel.”
His gaze snapped back to her, wide-eyed and filled with heat. “I…” He trailed off and shook his head. “I don’t recoil from disgust, Juliet, trust me on that. It’s that—”
He stopped again and she pulled from his embrace with a huff of breath. “What is it?”
He met her eyes, this time steady, though his cheeks flamed as he said, “I have never been with a woman.”
Juliet was staring at him, just as she had been staring at him for what felt like an eternity, though it could be more than a few seconds in reality. Her mouth was dropped open, her eyes wide and her shock plain on her face. The expression only served to bring more
heat to Gabriel’s face. Was this…humiliation that burned in his chest? He was so unaccustomed to these kinds of feelings and he didn’t like having them mob him now.
“How is that possible?” she finally said, almost more to herself than to him. “You’re—you’re—you’re—”
She waved her hands at him, but he had no idea what she was trying to say.
“What am I, Juliet?” he asked softly, prepared for the worst.
“Beautiful,” she completed on a gasp of broken breath. “God, you are so beautiful. Women must circle you constantly, offering themselves to you.”
He blinked. “I-I don’t think so. I don’t recall anyone ever offering themselves to me.”
Except that wasn’t exactly true. There had been widows or married ladies who had sidled up to him on dance floors and winked and flirted. He’d always walked away incredibly uncomfortable. Had they been hoping to go to his bed?
She shook her head. “I have a hard time believing that, Gabriel. Even at the party two nights ago, I saw the way some of those women watched you. Predatory.”
“Well, I’ve never succumbed then,” he said with a shrug.
“I just don’t understand how that is possible,” she mused.
He turned away. “I never had the time.”
“For some men, it takes no time at all,” she murmured behind him, and he heard the smile in her voice. Not mocking, but a gentler version.
He forced himself to look at her again and let out a long sigh. “I am good at figures, Juliet. At seeing paths, at finding the truth in science. But when it comes to people I am less…less attuned.”
Her face softened at that hard-given confession and she moved toward him. He stared as her fingers fluttered at her side, like she wanted to touch him. God, how he wished she would, even though he knew that this conversation was likely going to put an end to all the kissing, all the touching, all the flirting between them.
It was like she read his mind. She held his stare evenly as she lifted her hand to cup his cheek. He leaned into it almost against his will, barely holding back a low groan of pleasure at how soft her fingers were against his skin.
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