“I see,” she whispered, her fingers stroking very gently across his face.
He shut his eyes. “It is a failure, I suppose. But with you it is…difficult.”
“Difficult,” she repeated, hesitation back in her tone that made him open his eyes and look at her. Her expression was guarded. “I don’t like that word.”
He swallowed. There was something about this woman, this moment, that inspired his honesty. Almost as if he had been mesmerized by her, forced to give over what he had always kept so close inside.
“It isn’t meant as a slur, Juliet,” he said. “What I meant is that I-I want you. So much. It swallows up everything around me. It leaves me vulnerable.”
Her eyes went wide. “Only if I intend to hurt you.”
“Do you?” he asked, his world beginning to spin. He was lost in the dark blue of her stare, his nature forcing him to notice every fleck of lighter color in her iris, every fraction of dilation in her pupil until he felt like he was drowning in her gaze.
“No,” she whispered. “Actually I’d like to help you.”
That sentence drew him from his spiraling thoughts of being lost in her. He drew back. “Help me?”
She nodded slowly, and he saw she was as hesitant as he was. “Yes.”
“How?” he asked.
She bit her lip and now it was she who dropped her chin, broke their stare. “I-I know a little bit about the circumstances of Claire’s disappearance. I’ve heard some things from your mother and your siblings, from you and even a few whisperings here and there in the village. From all of that I have come to realize that her story is not so very different from my own.”
Chapter Seven
“What do you mean?” Gabriel asked.
Juliet forced herself to look at him and was struck once again by how handsome he was. Shocked once again by his admission that he had never been with a woman before. Shocked and drawn to him even more.
Except once she told her secret, perhaps he would want her less. Only time would tell.
She swallowed hard and said, “I’ve been a healer for so many years. I learned at the knee of my mother and started helping her in the village when I was only twelve years old. I applied salves and mixed herbs, I watched how she sat with people, talked to them, soothed them.”
He nodded, but she could see he was confused. So far she had not told him anything that could be comparable to what Claire had experienced in her fine estate surrounded by servants and money.
She forced herself to continue even though the words came harder now. “My mother was always busy, so by the time I was seventeen or eighteen, I had begun to go out on my own to the villagers. They eventually came to trust me, even though my skill made me few friends. The other girls saw me as an anomaly. Some people even whispered about witches, though they called on me and my mother often enough when they needed to be healed.”
She couldn’t keep the bitterness from her tone and it was obvious that observant Gabriel noticed it, for his frown deepened.
“You were isolated?” he pressed.
She nodded. “I didn’t mind much. I was close to my parents and had a few friends here and there. But I suppose I was lonely and that opened me up to…to at least one unsavory character.”
Gabriel’s eyes widened. “You don’t have to tell me this.”
“You admitted a secret to me,” she said with a small shrug. “I feel I owe you this explanation so we can both understand each other better. Only then can we decide how to proceed.”
His brow wrinkled as if she had confused him, a feat indeed, but he nodded to encourage her to continue.
“We received a call about a servant at one of the large houses outside the shire. My mother was busy birthing a baby in town, so I went. The servant wasn’t all that ill, I administered some herbs. But as I was leaving I encountered a man.”
Gabriel stiffened visibly. “Go on.”
“He was the son of the owner of the house and around my age. He was flirtatious and handsome, and I admit I was taken in by how attentive he was that night.”
“Who was he?” Gabriel’s voice was so soft it barely carried, but she heard the strain to the words. His tone contained something that was so much like the jealousy he had claimed when watching her dance with other men at his mother’s ball. And though she knew he had no reason to be jealous, the heat and possessiveness of his tone warmed her nonetheless.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said with a shake of her head. “He pursued me for several weeks, calling on me, ‘accidentally’ bumping into me around the shire. One night he came to my window and threw pebbles until I came outside. We went for a walk in the moonlight and he said such pretty words. He claimed he loved me and wanted to marry me. And then he…we…” She turned her face. The words were hard to say, especially with Gabriel’s focus so firmly on her.
“What did you do?”
She drew in a long breath and found enough calm to say what she had never spoken aloud ever before. “We made love.”
Gabriel made a strangled sound in his throat. “So you are in love with another. You are to marry another.”
She shook her head. “No. This was not recent, Gabriel. This happened five years ago. I was but twenty.”
He pulled away from her with a shake of his head. “Then I’m confused, what happened?”
“It was all a lie,” she admitted softly, the sting of that sentence clutching her heart as it always did, though the grip of it had become lighter and lighter over the years.
“What do you mean?” he asked. “What was a lie?”
“All of it.” Her cheeks heated with a blush. “He thought I was pretty and he wanted to have me. So he lied to me and courted me and took me. But once he had my innocence, he threw me aside. He saw me the next day and all he did was smirk at me and call me a whore.”
Gabriel staggered as if those words hit him with the force of a punch. “No.”
“I’m afraid yes.” She smiled at his horror on her behalf. She appreciated the champion, even too late. “Within a month, he was married to a rich young woman from a titled family who he had been engaged to for over a year. I didn’t even know about her.”
“He stole your innocence and left you?” Gabriel growled. “What if you had been with child?”
“I don’t think it would have mattered to him,” Juliet said with a shudder. “Thankfully there was no such consequence to that reckless night. Except for some wisdom on my part.”
Gabriel strode away from her halfway across the room, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. She stared at him as he paced. She had never seen him so worked up.
“Gabriel,” she began.
He spun on her, his face red. “Who is it, Juliet? Who did that to you?”
Her lips parted. “Great God, Gabriel, it was half a decade ago. There is no need to avenge my honor. He doesn’t matter to me now except for the valuable lessons I learned from that bitter experience.”
He shook his head. “He should not get away with it.”
“But he did.” She laughed, the sound bitter. “Justice does not come for all. At least not so we can see it. Perhaps his wife harangues him. Perhaps he loses her riches at cards. Perhaps he has gotten fat and ugly. Who knows how these things are paid out in the end? The point of my telling you this was not to stoke your anger.”
He blinked and his gaze seemed to clear somewhat. “Then why? Why tell me?”
“Because I know your sister was swept away by a man not much different than the gentleman who took advantage of me that summer night so long ago. I think I might understand her circumstances better than anyone. I might be able to help you in your search for her.”
“How?” he asked, his brow wrinkling.
“You told me that you are sometimes not well-versed in the emotional elements of life,” she said. “You can see patterns or paths in logic, but not in feeling. I, on the other hand, have been trained
as a healer to see feeling first. And my personal experience will only help further.”
He pursed his lips and she could practically see his mind turning on that statement. She found herself holding her breath as he pondered her offer and wishing that he would take it.
It was odd. She had never considered making it before that moment, and now it seemed vitally important.
“Why?” he finally asked after what seemed like an eternity.
She let out her breath. “Because I am stuck here in London and I am not accustomed to being idle. This will give me a vocation.”
“Why are you stuck?” he asked.
She smiled. “You silly boy, haven’t you seen the way my father and your mother look at each other?”
Gabriel seemed to digest that for a second, then his eyes grew wide. “What?”
She laughed as she shook her head. “Your mother has been talking about him ever since I walked through your door—you must have heard her go on.”
He nodded. “I do recall her mentioning him, but weren’t they merely childhood friends?”
“It is what they both say,” she said. “But there is more there, I think. A broken relationship or at least a never-fulfilled longing. I couldn’t take away his second chance with her if there is one to be had. You don’t mind, do you?”
“No,” he murmured. “Not at all. I already told you as much.”
“Good,” she said, relieved. “So will you allow me to help you?”
“For a vocation to fill your time,” he repeated.
She nodded.
“And is that the only reason you wish to help?” he pressed, his eyes meeting hers and holding there.
Her heart stuttered and she gripped a fist at her side. Why did he have to be so handsome? And so utterly distracting?
“I-I will be honest because I know you appreciate that and I think it cannot be avoided. I am as drawn to you as you say you are to me, Gabriel.”
The moment the words were out, she longed to snatch them back. If he had claimed he was vulnerable to her earlier, she was equally so to him. And she knew from bitter experience how that could turn out.
Only this time she was more experienced. She wouldn’t let herself go too far. And Gabriel wasn’t the kind to make empty promises or say pretty lies.
He swallowed hard. “You want me.”
“So much,” she admitted, the words no more than a whisper of breath. “And since you understand now why I do not intend to marry, no matter what your mother does to push me in that direction, since you know now that I cannot be ruined, why couldn’t we—”
She broke off with a blush. Experienced or not, saying these things out loud was anything but easy for her.
“What are you saying?” he asked, his voice breaking.
“Couldn’t we give in to what is between us?” she asked, moving toward him. She touched his cheek again and he shuddered, need slashed across his expression. “Please?”
The heat in his stare increased tenfold, too tempting to resist. With a soft groan, she lifted to her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his yet again. His arms came around her, crushing her against him with all the passion he’d been holding back for so long. She arched into him, groaning as he teased her with his kiss. Gabriel might not be experienced, but he was incredibly talented nonetheless. She wanted to see if those talents could be honed elsewhere.
And perhaps she would have been able to test that. Perhaps they would have been swept away. Only before that could happen there were voices in the hallway. The voices of her father and his mother. Gabriel’s kiss trailed away and he stared down into her face, his expression both bewildered and filled with longing.
“They’ll come in in just a moment,” he whispered, voice cracking.
She smiled. “Yes.”
He released her, stepping away. “I-I don’t know what to say.”
She shook her head. “Say nothing. I don’t expect an answer right away. After all, it’s been a trying afternoon for both of us to say the least. But I do hope you’ll think about my offer, Gabriel. Both of my assistance when it comes to Claire and of everything else we could share.”
As the door to the parlor began to open, he nodded. “Trust me, Juliet. I will think of nothing else.”
Juliet forced a laugh at something her father had said, but her gaze slipped down the table to Gabriel, just as it had been all night. This had to be the most awkward supper in all of England. The man had said virtually nothing for hours, just watched her as the courses came and went.
And it wasn’t just his silence that troubled her. It was that Gabriel was so hard to read. Was he angry at her for her offer? Disgusted by it as he considered it further? Or did he thrum with the same need that pulsed between her legs when she thought of his arms around her?
“And so do you regret it?” Lady Woodley asked.
Juliet jumped at the question that was darting through her mind being voiced out loud by her potential lover’s own mother. She blinked. “I’m sorry, my lady?”
Lady Woodley cast a side glance at her. “I was asking Jed if he regretted not following in his father’s footsteps and managing estates.”
Juliet bent her head as heat flooded her cheeks. Her mind was so addled by Gabriel she was making a cake out of herself.
“Gads, no!” her father laughed in response. “He was excellent at it.”
“He was,” Lady Woodley agreed softly, and Mr. Gray smiled.
“But I would have been terrible. I prefer a scientific bent of mind. I was too off in the clouds with theories and experiments. And though they have perhaps not been so consistent financially, I have enjoyed my life immensely. I wouldn’t have met Juliet’s mother if it weren’t for my time in London teaching and doing some research on astronomy.”
Juliet smiled as her father began to tell the tale she had heard so many times regarding how her parents had met. She could almost recite it by heart and with the same intonations as her father gave it. She saw Lady Woodley was just as rapt in attention and Juliet’s mind began to wander, as always, back to Gabriel.
But could she answer Lady Woodley’s unintentional question as easily as her father did? Did she regret asking Gabriel to accept her help and perhaps her body?
No. She couldn’t. She wanted him. More now than ever, it seemed.
Oh, Lady Woodley thought she was offering Juliet a chance at marriage here in London, but Juliet knew it wasn’t true. No good gentleman would want her with her position in trade and a lack of dowry or virginity. Even if she found someone she liked well enough to consider, she was too honest not to reveal the truth in its entirety if an offer was made. That would end that for the majority of men.
But with her proposal to Gabriel, she was offering herself a different chance during this trip. A chance at passion. A chance at the heady desire she had longed for over the years.
So she refused to regret what she’d chosen to reveal to Gabriel or what she’d chosen to offer to him.
“That was a wonderful meal,” her father said with a satisfied sigh as the last of the dishes were cleared away by waiting footmen.
Lady Woodley smiled at him. “I’m so very glad you enjoyed it. I recalled how you used to like that chocolate torte our late cook Mrs. Smithins made back in Idleridge, so I managed to find the recipe and have my cook here recreate it.”
Mr. Gray’s eyes went wide. “I thought that’s what I tasted, but couldn’t believe it was true. Thank you Susanna.”
Juliet focused her attention on the couple beside her. And they did seem to be a couple now. The way they looked at each other, the little slips in given names that came ever more frequently. Their growing connection all but pulsed in the air. She could see how happy that made her father, and smiled.
“I know this would normally be the time when we would retire for drinks, yes?” Mr. Gray asked. “But there is no moon tonight and potential for shooting stars. Perhaps I could accompany you t
o the garden and show you?”
“Lady Woodley,” Juliet cautioned before the dowager could respond. “You must be wary of your health.”
Lady Woodley looked at her briefly. “If I wear a heavy wrap and cover my head, will my healer agree to allow it?”
Juliet laughed at the childlike excitement on the lady’s face. “Fine. But do not stay out too long and be sure to drink a hot drink when you come in and sit by the fire.”
Her father stood and offered Lady Woodley an arm. “Oh, I will make certain she follows orders.”
As Lady Woodley took his offering, she seemed to falter. “That will mean we abandon you and Gabriel, won’t it? Do you mind, darling?”
She directed the question to her son and as he rose slowly, he shook his head. “I would not have you miss something that clearly gives you so much pleasure,” he said, then his gaze drifted to Juliet. “And Miss Gray and I have something to discuss regardless. Please enjoy yourself, Mama.”
Juliet stiffened at his assertion, but managed to wave the two away with as much light as she could. Once the twosome had gone, she turned slowly to the man down the table.
“Do we have something to discuss, my lord?” she asked, once more searching his face for some indication of his emotions.
He nodded. “Indeed, we do.”
“Then should we retire to a parlor?” she asked.
To her surprise, he looked around to ensure no servant was spying then shook his head. “No. I think a parlor will not do. The kind of exchange we are about to have is best done in a bed chamber, or so I’ve heard.” Her lips parted at that statement, and he smiled. “Unless you have rescinded your earlier offer, Miss Gray.”
She shook her head. “No,” she squeaked, her voice barely carrying. “My earlier offer most definitely stands.”
“Your chamber then?” he asked before he took her arm. There was electricity in the touch, a promise of so much more to come.
“Yes,” she whispered. “I would like nothing more.”
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