Shadow Soldier

by Carol Lynne

  “No hello for anyone today?”

  Aaron smiled at Luke. “Sorry, other things on my mind.”

  Luke climbed in and sat on the narrow bench beside Aaron. “What’s going on? You were in a good mood Wednesday.”

  “Yeah, but then Thursday happened.” Aaron put the packages of gauze back into their container. “No matter how many times I replay it in my head, I can’t figure out what I did to your friend Deacon. The guy’s running hot and cold and he pretty much tossed me out of his apartment on Thursday night.”

  “Are you sure you’re not blowing it out of proportion? That doesn’t sound like Deacon.”

  “Yeah, well, he invited me over to work on a table yesterday, and everything was going great until I made the mistake of asking to spend the night. Next thing I know he says he’s gonna be too busy to see me for the next month and it’d be better to wait.” Aaron ran his fingers through his hair. “This was, like, three seconds after his mouth was attached to my nipple and his hand was practically fucking my ass through my jeans.” He threw up his hands. “What am I supposed to think?”

  Luke whistled. “I’ve no idea. Want me to talk to him?”

  “Would that be too much like high school?” Aaron couldn’t imagine Deacon opening up to Luke, but he secretly hoped he would.

  “You’d be surprised what Deacon tells me.”

  There were some things Aaron didn’t particularly want to know, but he knew they were important. “Do you think it’s his partner that died? Maybe he’s not ready to move on.”

  Luke looked shocked. “I can’t believe he told you about Bobby.” He reached out and ruffled Aaron’s hair. “Not sure what went on last night, but he evidently likes you.”

  “Is he still in love with him?”

  After a brief pause, Luke sighed. “He still loves him, and there are issues surrounding his death, but Deacon’s not living in a fantasy world. He knows the ghost of Bobby won’t haunt him if he falls for someone else. Believe me, man, if he told you about him in the first place, Bobby’s not your problem.”

  Although Aaron was glad he didn’t have to compete with a ghost, it meant the problem was him. Shit. He’d worked so hard to come out of his shell since moving to Cattle Valley. Reaching out to Deacon had been a huge step for him. “He saw the closet,” he mumbled.

  Luke’s eyebrows rose at the confession. “The one where you keep your drawings?”

  Aaron nodded. Deacon was the first person to see the extent of his obsession, but Luke had walked in on him one day at the station when he’d been frantically trying to document his nightmare. “Maybe he remembered it somewhere between kissing me and rubbing my asshole and decided I wasn’t worth the baggage I’d bring.”

  Luke cleared his throat. “That’s not it. I—um—I told him about you months ago.”

  Aaron leaned towards Luke. “What exactly did you tell him?” He thought of the way he’d freaked out a few times while on the job and wondered just how unstable Deacon believed him to be.

  “Deacon’s seen a lot over the years. I thought maybe it’d help if he talked to you. I know you and I talk, and I love that we do, but even though I can sympathise, I can’t truly know what you’re going through.”

  “So that’s why he’s been so nice to me?” Aaron rubbed the ache in his chest.

  Luke laughed. “I didn’t tell him to kiss you or rub your ass, so I don’t think you can blame that on him trying to help you.” He slid off the bench and sat in front of Aaron. “Let me talk to him and find out what’s going on. Until then, please, please don’t take his rebuff personally.”

  Aaron shrugged. “I guess at this point I don’t have anything to lose, do I?”

  * * * *

  Deacon was on the phone with a handler, when someone started banging on the front door of the shop. “We’re closed,” he yelled. He was out of sorts and in no mood to be cordial to customers. The pounding came again.

  “It’s Luke!”

  Upon hearing the distressed quality of Luke’s voice, Deacon’s initial reaction was to worry about Aaron. He knew the two men were working shift together. What if there had been an accident and Aaron was hurt? Deacon pushed away from the small desk in the supply room and limped towards the front door. Luke’s expression confirmed Deacon’s fears that something had happened. “What’s wrong?” he asked, opening the door.

  Luke stepped inside and locked the door before turning to address Deacon. “Aaron’s a mess. What the hell did you do to him?”

  “Is he safe?” Deacon needed to know nothing was physically wrong with Aaron before proceeding.

  “From the outside world? Sure. It’s his insides that are tearing him up. Well, let me rephrase that. It’s you and the way you tossed him out of here the other night that’s had him sitting alone in the ambulance fucking using up every crayon he owns.” Luke narrowed his eyes. “What the hell happened? You were supposed to help him feel better, not worse.”

  Deacon turned away from the windows and headed towards the back of the shop. “Sully’s been arrested in Colombia. Midnight’s gone down to rescue him, but that leaves only me to deal with the assignments, handlers and any other bullshit that comes up. I told Aaron I’d probably be too busy to see him for the next month or so. That’s it. He didn’t take it well and stormed out of my apartment.”

  “And you didn’t go after him?”

  “He’s half my age with two good legs. How was I supposed to run after him, and even if I caught him, what the hell was I supposed to say?” Deacon had survived as long as he had in the business by keeping his identity a secret. Luke was the only person outside of Midnight or the President who knew he was the Director of the agency.

  “Have you tried to call him since Thursday, because I’m pretty sure I gave you his phone number.”

  Deacon had never seen Luke so angry. The two of them had disagreed countless times on his refusal to tell Priest, Luke’s partner and newly appointed handler with the agency, his true identity, but he’d never seen that long vein bulge on the side of Luke’s neck. “Aaron needs stability, and I can’t give him that right now. When he asked to stay the night with me, I knew he was becoming attached too quickly. Believe me, had I fucked him, this situation would be even worse than it is.”

  “So tell him the truth. And while you’re at it, tell him how much you like him.”

  “What makes you think I do?” Deacon prided himself on his ability to hide his emotions from the outside world, so he knew for a fact he wasn’t displaying his true feelings for Aaron.

  “Because you told him about Bobby.”

  “Aaron said that?” Deacon sat in one of the cushioned willow chairs at the back of the showroom. “Did he tell you everything?”

  “He was afraid Bobby was the reason you said no when he asked about spending the night.”

  “Bobby had nothing to do with it.”

  “So why would you do it? I told you how fragile he is. Is your hidden identity really so important that you’d do this to him?” Luke crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to sit beside Deacon.

  Too embarrassed to admit it was his own deceit in sifting through Aaron’s past that kept him from being honest, Deacon shrugged. “I like him, but is one night worth risking my life for?”

  “You risked your life for me in a much bigger way. Why am I more important than Aaron?”

  “You’re not,” Deacon stated in a matter-of-fact tone. “But that was business that came knocking at my back door. This thing with Aaron is personal, and my personal life has always come second.”

  “And how’s that workin’ for ya?”

  The question stung. “Would you rather I’d fucked him before sending him away?”

  Despite his much smaller size, Luke lunged, tipping Deacon and the chair backwards onto the floor. Deacon used his superior strength to wrestle Luke under him, pinning Luke’s arms above his head. “What the hell’s gotten into you?”

  “You’re not this cold bastard you’re pret
ending to be, so stop it!” Luke yelled in Deacon’s face.

  Deacon thought of all the people over the years who had counted on him for protection and how many of them he’d lost. “Are you sure?”

  Tears filled Luke’s eyes. “You’re more fucked up than Aaron, aren’t you?”

  Deacon released his hold on Luke and searched for his cane that had been knocked across the room in the struggle. He used his good leg to scoot himself over the hardwood to retrieve it. “You should probably go.”

  “I don’t know what you’re really afraid of, but please don’t do this,” Luke whispered.

  Deacon couldn’t even bring himself to look at his friend. “I know Aaron’s secrets. I dug as deep into his life as my position would allow,” he admitted.

  “And what? You think he’s not good enough now?”

  “How do you tell someone that you know everything about them? My fucking heart breaks for him every time I look at him. Do you think he’d look at me the same knowing I pity him and what he’s gone through?”

  “Answer a question for me. I don’t know what happened over in Baghdad, but obviously you do. So, do you resent him for what he did?”

  “No!” Deacon snapped his head towards Luke. “He may not have handled the situation like I would’ve, but he wasn’t over there to fight.”

  “Maybe he needs to know that. Yeah, you looked into his past, and I can’t promise he won’t be pissed because of it, but if you can help him with this consuming guilt he carries around on his back, maybe it’s worth it.”

  “I think I’d rather he hate me than to be disappointed in me.” Deacon turned back to stare at his cane. He heard Luke slide towards him moments before his thin, tattooed arms wrapped around him.

  “You’re in love with him.”

  “Doesn’t matter. Relationships built on deceit don’t last.” No matter what Deacon confessed to Aaron, the fact that he’d done it in the first place would forever be between them.

  “You both seem pretty miserable to me. Tell him the truth. Throw yourself on your sword or whatever the hell you want to call it, but you’ll forever wonder what could’ve been if you don’t.” Luke kissed Deacon’s cheek before standing. He held out his hand. “I happen to know he’s at home.”

  Deacon let Luke help him to his feet. “Even if I tell him the truth, I still can’t give him my attention right now. I don’t know how Midnight’s done this job all these years. I hate half the whiney-ass men who call.”

  Luke thumped Deacon on the shoulder. “Sounds like you’re finally earning your salary, old man.”

  “Sounds like Priest needs to turn you over his knee and spank you, you smart-mouthed brat.” Deacon ended the statement with a smile. Luke was a pain in the neck, but he’d found a special place in Deacon’s heart.

  “I’ll have a dinner party tonight, just a few people. Invite Aaron.”

  “What if someone calls?”

  “You could always tell Priest the truth and he could help you out until Midnight springs Sully from the hoosegow.”

  It was definitely something to consider, but first he needed to see if Aaron would even let him through the door. “I’ll let you know.”

  “Okay, but so you know, Priest is driving me crazy. He hates that I know something he doesn’t. You’d really be helping me out if you’d come clean with him, besides, I’d think you’d like knowing someone’s close who could watch your back.”

  “I thought that’s what I had you for?” Deacon walked Luke to the door.

  Luke flexed his slim runner’s arm. “See this? Priest’s tongue is stronger than I am.” He sighed. “Believe me, I’ve been on the receiving end of that tongue.”

  Deacon made a face. He liked Luke a lot but picturing him at the receiving end…no. “I’ll take your word for it. Now get out of here. I’ve got work to do.”

  “Dinner’s at eight, but come around seven,” Luke said on his way out the door.

  Deacon ran a hand over his jaw, wondering how much he’d need to tell Aaron to smooth things over between them. First and foremost, he would have to come clean about digging into Aaron’s background. At least he’d know whether or not Aaron wanted to continue with their new relationship. Deacon didn’t have high hopes, but Luke’s questions had made him face the truth of his feelings for Aaron.

  He glanced at the large clock on the showroom wall. Seven was only a few hours away, not much time to get himself cleaned up and ready to eat a big plate of crow. “Best get a move on, old fool,” he told himself, heading for the stairs.

  * * * *

  Aaron sat across from Dr Pritchard. “Why him. Why now?”

  Ronan Pritchard shook his head. “Maybe you’re ready. You’ve said yourself the dreams aren’t as graphic as they used to be.”

  “I still have them though.” He fiddled with his shoelace. “Deacon’s around the same age as Sergeant Major Colmbs. Do you think that has anything to do with my attraction towards him?”

  “Did you engage in a sexual relationship with Colmbs?”

  “No.” Aaron tried to push away the memory of the Sergeant Major’s disappointment in him after Aaron had been rescued. “He was more like a father figure, I guess, straight as an arrow, as they say.”

  “Why bring up Colmbs now? You haven’t spoken of him in months.” Ronan made a note on the pad of paper in his lap.

  After giving himself a few minutes to think about it, Aaron knew the answer. “The Sergeant Major pushed me away after I confessed what had really happened that day. I’d never felt so alone in my life. I guess the shit that went down with Deacon the other night brought it all back.”

  “When you say Colmbs pushed you away, are you talking figuratively?”

  Aaron closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. His sergeant wasn’t a homophobe, he simply didn’t know how to deal with it when Aaron hugged him for comfort. If anything, Aaron had been in the wrong to seek compassion from his superior. “Sergeant Major Colmbs was the one who had the discharge papers drawn up.”

  “And that hurt, didn’t it?”

  “Guess so,” Aaron mumbled. “Could’ve been worse.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets when they began to shake. “Do you think it’s too soon for me to want Deacon?”

  “I think the fact that you want him says a lot about your progress.” Ronan tapped his pen against his lips. “Although I worry you’ll crawl back into your shell if things don’t go well between the two of you.”

  The subtle ding of the timer on the desk sounded, signalling the end of another session. Aaron got to his feet. “I’m not afraid around Deacon. So whether things work out or not, I think that’s a positive thing.”

  “See you next Tuesday,” Ronan said as Aaron left the office.

  Aaron stepped out into the afternoon sunshine and lifted his face to the sky. He gave himself a few minutes to soak in the warmth and put his session behind him. After talking to Dr Pritchard, Aaron always felt raw. He knew it was good for him to talk to someone, and Dr Pritchard really was helping him get better, but he was certain Deacon was the one who was meant to drive the nightmares away for good.

  He took a deep breath and started towards his car at the end of the block, his gaze glued to Deacon’s shop, fighting the urge to go inside.

  “Hey, Aaron.”

  Aaron turned to see Luke jogging towards him. He stopped walking and waited for his friend to catch up.

  “On your way to see Deacon?” Luke asked.

  Aaron gestured to Dr Pritchard’s practice. Luke was one of the few who knew he saw a shrink on a regular basis. “Just had a session. My car’s at the end of the block.”

  “You should stop in and see him, you know.”

  “He said he’d be busy for the next month or so. I doubt he wants me barging in on him.” Aaron silently prayed Luke would talk him into it. At least that way he could blame his friend if Deacon got mad and kicked him out.

  “He is busy, but he also really likes you. You have to try and cut h
im a break. He’s got a lot on his plate right now.” Luke held up the grocery sacks he held at his sides. “I’m having a few people over for dinner, thought you and Deacon might come.”

  Biting his lower lip, Aaron tilted his head to the side. “Have you already invited Deacon?”

  Luke grinned. “Yeah, and he wants to ask you, but you’ve got him scared.”

  “Me? I haven’t done anything to him.”

  “You’d be surprised.”

  The statement was too cryptic for Aaron to decipher so soon after his appointment. “Is it because I wanted to stay the night with him?”

  “No.” Luke nudged Aaron with his elbow. “Go talk to him.”

  Aaron grabbed the lifeline. “Okay, but you’ll hear about it if he tosses me out on my ass again.”

  “He won’t, trust me.” Luke started to walk off. “The sign says closed, but I just left so it’ll still be unlocked. Be at the house around seven for dinner.”

  “Maybe.” Aaron waved goodbye to his friend before crossing the street. He wiped his hands on his jeans before turning the brass doorknob. Once again, the bells over the door gave him away.

  “We’re closed,” Deacon called out from the back.

  “It’s Aaron.” Aaron walked towards the small office he’d seen on his earlier visit. “Do you have a minute?”

  Deacon covered the phone. “Hey. Wait for me in the store, I’ll be two minutes.”

  Instead of wandering around, Aaron righted one of the willow chairs that had been knocked over and took a seat. His stomach was in knots while he waited for Deacon to get off the phone.

  “Sorry about that.” Deacon came into the room and sat beside Aaron. “I’m glad you came by. Actually, I was planning on going by your place but the phone rang before I could get out the door.”

  Aaron wasn’t sure what to say. “I ran into Luke outside. He invited me over for dinner, said he’d invited you too.”

  “He did,” Deacon confirmed. “That’s why I was going to stop by your place. I thought maybe you’d go with me. Of course I can’t promise I won’t get called away from the table a time or two by the phone, but I’d like to spend some time with you.”