by Jade West
“She doesn’t think I should be going anywhere near him, made it clear she thinks I’m being an absolute fucking idiot.”
She shrugged. “Gah, whatever. She’ll get over it.”
I hoped so. I really hoped so.
Tonya was waffling away about potential purchases when the hangover struck again. I raced to the kitchen sink and struggled to hold it back, retching up nothing and waving her to stay away.
“Shit,” I said. “I really can’t drink anymore. Seriously, that wine fucked me up. Pathetic, I know.”
Her face was unreadable, and that’s rarely the case with Tonya. “You hardly fucking drank any, Jo, not really. I polished off way more than you did, and I’m not throwing my guts up all over the place.”
I shrugged. “I guess I’m not so used to it.”
She was quiet for too long. “You and Trent have been careful, right?”
My cheeks burned, and my stomach did a horrible lurch that helped my queasiness none at all. “We… I have a period planner… I’ve been…”
“Jesus, Jodie! Condoms, yes or no?”
“Well, no… but I’m sure…”
“Christ All-fucking-mighty.” She held out her hand. “Where’s that pissing period planner, Jo. Have you looked at it?”
Oh the shame. No, no I hadn’t. Not for a week or so, but I was sure. I definitely remembered the dates.
I wasn’t such a reckless stupid idiot.
Except I was. I was and I knew it. Had no excuse for it. Nothing but a crazy hedonistic desire to have Darren come inside me.
Like that had been so successful first time round.
What a fucking idiot.
“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I said. I grabbed my phone from the sideboard and handed it to her. My nerves were jangling as she tapped away at the screen.
“So, you’ve got your period, right?”
“Sorry?”
She turned the screen. “Saturday, you were due on Saturday, Jo.”
I laughed. “Tuesday,” I said. “I’m sure I should be due tomorrow.”
She shook her head. “Saturday, Jo. You should be cramping all over the fucking place by now.” I didn’t want to look at it. She waved it in my face, and still I didn’t look. “Jesus Christ, Jodie Symmonds, you fucking knew about this.”
“No!” I said. “I didn’t, I just… figured I did…” I stared at her and not at the phone. “First time was… me… I just, wanted to feel him.”
“And the rest?”
I shrugged. “And the rest we just…”
“Fucking hell.” She stared at my belly. “Baby Trent number three. Welcome to the world, little guy.”
“Little guy?”
She smiled. “Odds. I reckon he’ll get a little spanner-wielding son next go. Ruby will be stoked.”
“Stop it,” I said. “Seriously, I’m probably due on any minute.”
“Alright then,” she said. “Let’s go get a test. You’ve got to get Nanna’s pills anyway, right?”
My cheeks were on fire. I nodded.
She handed me my keys.
“This will be nothing,” I said. “Just a waste of a tenner.”
“And if it’s not?”
Oh the sickness. “Then it’s not… and we’ll… I’ll…”
“How are Mia and Ruby going to feel about twinning up? You’ll need the extra room.”
“Bit early for that…” I said. I rolled my eyes.
“Darren Trent only has to stare at you and you’re bloody pregnant, Jo. Wine hangover my fucking arse.”
And what about the rest of the village? Does he only have to stare at them, too?
No. He said he was careful. He told me so.
I cashed out with the test kit and Nanna’s pills and Tonya wouldn’t let up, insisted we head straight back to mine and get it done.
I tried to stall, tried to tell her morning was better, but she’d have none of it.
“Now!” she said. “You’ve been burying your head in the sand bloody long enough, Jodie.” She sighed. “Christ, I sound like your mother.”
I checked Nanna was still entertained by daytime TV before I went to shut myself in the bathroom. Tonya shoved her toe in the door.
“No way,” she said. “I’m not missing the main event.”
“Darren’s normally here… when I do this…”
“Call him, then! We can have a pregnancy test party.”
I retched at the thought. Shook my head. “I think you’ll do plenty, you can be my test buddy this time round.” I reached out and squeezed her arm, and she smiled. She unwrapped the packet, handed me the stick.
“Hope you need to pee.”
I nodded, pulled down my jeans and sat myself down on the toilet. I shoved that test between my legs and pissed like a horse. Probably nothing. This is probably nothing.
My heart was pounding so fast I felt heady. I clicked the little cap on it and handed it to Tonya. She held it away from me.
“It’s probably too early,” I said. “Probably way too early to even know…” I rambled on about dates moving around on that period app and how it was probably nothing, how I’m sure the dates had been different last time I’d checked… probably a glitch… probably just an error on the app… and I’d definitely be careful next time, definitely… I’d buy some condoms myself, totally, a bumper pack…
“Two weeks,” she said. “You’re two weeks pregnant. Baby Trent number three is just a little tiny kidney bean.”
My jaw dropped, and God fucking knows why. Of course I was fucking pregnant. Idiot. I was a fucking idiot.
I took the stick from her, and sure enough, it told me so. It told me in plain English as well. 2 weeks, written across the little screen, not the blue line shit I’d been looking for last time around.
“That’s so early,” I said. “It’s like…”
“Really early,” she said. “You won’t reach twelve weeks until the New Year. That’ll be a nice midnight revelation for the family.”
“Like I’d wait twelve weeks…”
She shrugged. “Wait as long as you want, or don’t. Pregnant is pregnant, Jo.”
“But it’s early…” I said. “Dangerously early to go making crazy announcements.”
“You are going to tell him, right?” Her eyes bored into me. “Like right now, today.”
I put my head in my hands. “I’ll tell him,” I said. “But just… I just need a couple of days. Just to think.”
“Think? Jo, you’re having a fucking baby. He’s gonna have to pull his shit together.”
“And do what?”
She looked at me like I was mentally challenged. “And move the fuck in here, cancel this stupid bloody gigolo crap, and go get a big book of baby names…”
“I don’t want him to move back in because I’m pregnant, Tonya.” The stupidity of my actions hit hard, really bloody hard. “Not when I’ve just… found myself… not when we’re just…”
“Just what?”
I tried to stop the tears, because I didn’t deserve any self-sympathy, it was way too late for that. They welled anyway, prickling my eyes. “Not when we’re just starting out… not when we stand a chance of fixing the crap we did wrong last time…”
She smiled, and it was kind. I was grateful. “Shit, Jo. You can still fix that stuff. A baby doesn’t make any difference.”
“But it does!” I said. “I’ll be a mum all over again, he’ll be under pressure all over again, working loads of hours all over again, we’ll be busy, and we’ll be stressed, and he’ll be in the pub again, and this time I’ll have three kids and Nanna to look after and I’ll be frumpy Jodie again… I don’t want to be frumpy Jodie again!” My throat was tight and hissy. “And this time he’ll have everyone in a hundred mile radius out for a piece of his cock when I’m not looking… and what if he took it? What if I’m just a bore at home with crappy hair and baby sick all over me and Mandy Taylor’s all over him like a rash?”
“This isn’t
how it’s gonna be,” she said. “Not at all! Seriously, Jo, this is just fear. It’s just being scared.”
But I shook my head. “You can’t say that!”
“Yes, Jo, I bloody can. How long have I known you two? Give him a bit of credit, and if not him, then definitely give yourself some.” She sighed. “You were a kid, Jo. It was hard. You had a million things to do, a million things to learn, years of growing up to do in hardly any fucking time at all. That isn’t you now. You’ll be fine this time! I won’t let you turn into mum-zilla, I promise! I like having you back as your old self far too much for that.”
I checked my phone, and I was running late. Again.
Fuck.
I wiped my eyes. “I’ve got to go, Tonya. Work.”
“Shit,” she said. “Can’t you call in sick?”
I shook my head. “Lorraine’s already pissed at me enough.”
I flushed the toilet, and shoved the pregnancy test right at the back of the bathroom cabinet, behind the ear buds and pumice stone that never get used.
“You need to take it steady,” she said. “Keep calm.”
I nodded. “I’ll be alright, just keep on keeping on.”
“And Darren?”
“I’ll tell him,” I said. “Just let’s get these next few days out of the way, hey? Ruby’s got a play date party tomorrow evening and we’ve got Lorraine’s thing on Wednesday. I’ll call him over Thursday.”
“Thursday?” her expression was stern. “Definitely Thursday, then, and not a day bloody later.”
“Thursday. I’ll invite him over.”
“Alright,” she said. “And make sure you get it clear, what you want. Don’t just let him grunt his way through this shit, Jo. Find out what he wants, too. What he really wants. I’m sure it’s you, he just needs to fucking say it for once.”
I didn’t fancy my chances of getting a gushing declaration of forever love from Darren Trent somehow, but I nodded anyway.
I took a breath, checked myself in the mirror and forced a smile.
“Back to it,” I said.
She squeezed my elbow. “I’ll come along for a coffee.”
I got to work, shutting myself in the office through Eleanor Hartley’s wailing fucking gangbang. My mind wouldn’t stop harping on about Jodie, like it ever fucking stopped.
She’d told me she loved me, let me into her bedroom. That had to fucking mean something. Had to mean enough.
I’d tell her. I’d tell her fucking everything. Even about Lorraine. Lay it all out there and start over, make it clear this shit was all behind me. She’d have to listen, I’d make her listen. I’d have to find the words…
Bollocks.
I lit up a cigarette and tried to work through some invoices, but I couldn’t think straight.
My phone pinged and my gut lurched. Jodie.
It wasn’t fucking Jodie.
Lorraine.
Why the hell wouldn’t she just piss off already.
I wasn’t lying about Jodie. Sex party at mine on Wednesday night. She’s coming. Will you be coming too? x
I laughed out loud. Like fuck Jo was going to a sex party at Lorraine’s fucking house.
Nice try, I replied. Just give it a fucking rest, Lorraine.
Another ping a couple of seconds later.
Ask her if you don’t believe me. Don’t give her a hard time though, Trent. She’s her own woman, last thing she needs is you being a damp fucking squib about this shit. At least be a man about it. x
I smoked through the initial burst of rage. Tried to keep a lid on it. Like hell Jodie would be going to that shit.
I called up Jodie’s messages, typed one out, kept it casual. Just in case.
Just in case fucking what? In case Lorraine wasn’t such a lying cunt after all? Of course she fucking was.
What’s this about a dodgy sex party at Lorraine’s house? You going?
She took ages to reply. Work. She was at work. No fucking need to panic.
I scrabbled for my phone as it pinged.
Ha! She told you?! Christ, word spreads. Yeah, I’ll be there. Me and Tonya. I think she’s invited quite a few!
I stared at it in shock. Just fucking stared.
Another ping.
Are you coming?!
Like fuck I was fucking coming.
Not quite my fucking scene, Jo. I couldn’t stop the anger. Have a good fucking time though.
I waited. And waited.
I’m only going to let my hair down. Lorraine’s been funny lately. You know what she’s like about you. Thought it would be a good bonding experience.
I was fucking flabbergasted.
I fired off a text to Lorraine.
You can keep Jodie out of your seedy fucking shit. Just fuck off, Lorraine.
A reply in a heartbeat.
Aww, diddums. You’re welcome to join us. I’m sure Jodie won’t mind. xxx
I tried to clear my head. Tried to get my thoughts around this shit.
We said no fucking gangbangs. I told her that. I told her she wasn’t on the fucking list.
I typed out a message.
What about us, Jo?
Sappy twat.
I pressed send anyway.
Her message didn’t take long.
It’s only one night, Darren. Ruby’s at Lea Nicholl’s house tomorrow evening, but Thursday works. Do you want to come over for tea? We need to talk. Good chance.
Another message. I might have some fresh ideas after Lorraine’s house. Should be fun, right? ;)
A wink. She sent me a fucking wink.
I nearly launched the phone through the fucking window.
That’s why you’re going, is it? For us? For some fresh ideas? Thought we were fine as we fucking were, Jo.
She sent another message back and I couldn’t believe it.
I thought you’d be pleased! Variety is the spice of life, Darren Trent, I thought you’d be well on board. x
Variety is the spice of fucking life?! I stormed on through to the garage, and the door flung on its hinges so hard everyone stopped working to look at me.
“A gig, Wednesday night, Lorraine’s house. Is that yours?”
They looked at each other, then Buck shrugged. “Yeah. Didn’t think you’d want in. She’s paying a fucking fortune, says it’s going to be quite a party.”
I could’ve fucking killed them. Every single one of them.
“Touch Jodie, even fucking look at Jodie, and don’t bother coming back to this fucking yard. Understand me?”
They didn’t know anything about it. It was clear as fucking day.
Buck stepped closer. “Jodie’s going? Why the fuck is Jodie going?”
“You tell me!” I barked. “This is Lorraine’s fucking work. All of it.”
“Christ,” Hugh said. “Really didn’t think that was on the cards…”
“You and me fucking both.” I stormed past them, lit up a cigarette. Buck followed me.
“What you gonna do about it?”
I didn’t answer.
“Shit, Trent, you’ve got to do fucking something. Tell her she’s not to fucking go! Tell her it’s fucking exclusive! Tell her Lorraine can get fucking stuffed!”
I shook my head. “I’m not fucking telling her what she can and can’t fucking do like some sappy fucking twat, Buck. She wants to ride the fucking Bang Gang train, that’s her business.”
She said she loved me.
“Don’t sit fucking right to me this,” he said. “Something’s well fucking off.”
“Yeah, that cunt Lorraine. That’s what’s fucking off about this whole fucking thing.”
“But Jodie doesn’t seem…”
I glared at him. “Happy enough to hand over four-hundred fucking quid to have a go, wasn’t she? Happy enough to hand it over a second time when I gave her a freebie, too. Of course she’s fucking going, Buck.”
“But you’re…”
“We’re what?!” I took a drag. “We’re fucking nothi
ng, Buck. That’s perfectly fucking clear. I’m just a fucking cock to her, a cock who happens to be the father of her fucking kids.”
He slapped my shoulder and I was tense as fuck.
“Talk to her, Trent. Just fucking talk to her. Set this shit straight before it rips you a-fucking-part, man.”
Like fucking hell I’d talk to her.
I regretted every fucking thing I’d fucking said.
Soft fucking cunt. Sappy, naive fucking idiot.
Like she was gonna fucking have me back.
Of course she fucking wasn’t.
I was just a piece of fucking rough. Just like always. She wanted a Brian, and a quinoa-munching fucking suit who’d drive a fucking Aston Martin like a posh wanker.
Not me.
Of course she didn’t want me.
I got back to fucking work.
I got Ruby ready for her play date. Halloween. Christ, this year was zooming by. She wanted to go as one of the Transformers but I was hard pushed to find enough cardboard boxes to stand a chance of turning her into a truck-cum-robot. After a mini-tantrum we settled on a cat. She wore all black and I made her a little ear headband, stuffed a stocking with socks and pinned it to her leggings as a tail. It looked better than I’d expected.
A bit of makeup, some eyeliner whiskers and a pretty little pink nose and she looked cute as a button. I snapped some pictures and sent them off to Darren with a string of smiley faces.
He didn’t even reply, but I didn’t have time to worry about that. Too much to do, not enough time.
Mia was still subdued after her rally day drama, said she didn’t want to do Halloween dress up at all this year.
Had enough horror this month already thanks, Mum.
Oh the drama. She was still grounded, moping around without her phone. As if Daisy would be on Skype even if Mia was. Her ass was as grounded as Mia’s.
“Alright,” I said. “Please yourself. Watch TV with Nanna and be good.”
I was out of the door with about thirty seconds to spare, as per usual.
Ruby’s play date was packed full of school mums, and out of the regular schoolyard context it made me feel uneasy.
How many of these women had taken Darren’s cock and paid good money for it? I couldn’t tell by looking at them, would never have been able to tell Debbie Gibson was game for it, probably not Mandy, either.