by Jerramy Fine
Tipping
In London restaurants it is customary to tip approximately 10 percent, though it is more and more common to see a service charge already included on your bill, usually for 12.5 percent. Don’t forget that unlike US servers, waiters and waitresses in the UK actually make minimum wage and aren’t reliant on tips to supplement their income. This is why they are not especially nice to you.
Splitting the Check
This is not a big deal in the UK, and I’ve regularly seen groups of twenty or more paying for their meal with twenty separate credit cards.
Searching for a Skilled Salon…? Aren’t We All
Puzzling Pedicures
For the longest time, I never understood why so many British women had such awful looking toenails. I mean how hard is it to clip them straight and brush on some polish? But on hot days in London, I’d be sitting on the steamy train and observing in horror row upon row of exposed feet bedecked in their best summer sandals. Peeking out of these sandals were unspeakable toenails—twice as long as anything you’d ever see in America and rather than cut straight across the top, they were curved, sometimes practically pointed! It was as if everyone was trying to reproduce long, painted fingernails on their feet! I was horrified, and baffled as to how and why British women thought this was appropriate. Until one day, I was browsing through Boots (a UK drugstore) and came across special toenail scissors that actually cut your nails in a curved shape. So that explained it. But it certainly didn’t justify it.
As an American in London, I’m confident that you won’t succumb to such savagery and purchase these scissors. But if you’re hoping for an affordable, American-style pedicure, prepare to be disappointed. Don’t expect comfy vibrating chairs with built-in Jacuzzi foot baths as a matter of course. Even many of the expensive spas provide nothing more than a normal chair and a plastic tub of warm water. One well-known spa (which shall remain nameless) didn’t even bother to get my feet wet! So I’ve learned to take care of my toes myself. Believe me, even a self-pedicure will look better than 99 percent of the toes that are out there.
Still, if you must get your pedi fix, try these (they are at least attempting to emulate American standards):
Julie Nails, Notting Hill Gate, W11
The Nail Boutique, Sydney Street, SW3
Hand and Foot Spa, Fulham Road, SW3
Hair Hitches
Obtaining heavenly hair in the UK is difficult. After nearly fifteen years here, I have yet to walk out of a salon entirely happy—and I’ve been to every celebrity stylist on the block (including the royal coiffure of the moment, Richard Ward, who did Kate’s hair on her wedding day). Yet I can walk into any no-name salon in small town America and emerge looking fabulous—perfect classic cut, sublimely bouncy dry. I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s because I have very thick, very curly hair and English stylists simply aren’t used to handling such foreign textured tresses. Maybe it’s because when I ask for a classic Jackie O or Grace Kelly shape, most stylists have no idea what I’m referring to. Maybe it’s because London hairstylists are so über-trendy that they are simply incapable of creating anything other than an asymmetrical, rock-chick haircut. (And I’m telling you; even the dogs in New York City get better blow-dries.) Whatever the reason, I’m no longer taking risks with my best feature. English highlights are fine, but when it comes to cut and finish—it may be worth waiting for your next trip to America.4 And considering how expensive some of these UK salons are, sometimes a flight from London to New York is actually cheaper. (Also see Chapter 9, “Fake It Till You Make It.”)
When Your Friends and Family Come to Visit
No matter how much you want to host them, usually your London flat will be so small that your friends and family will be forced to sleep on the floor, on the sofa, or even in your bed. Finding cheap accommodation in London that offers more than third world living conditions is not easy—but after years of research, these are my recommendations:
The Temple Lodge Club. This B&B does not advertise, and I’d walked right by it for years before realizing it existed. Located adjacent to the best vegetarian restaurant in London, the Temple Lodge Club is a tiny oasis in the middle of Hammersmith. Housed in a gorgeous Georgian building, the rooms aren’t exactly luxurious, but they are clean and they are cheap, and it’s the best bargain you will find for such a central location. My bohemian father loves this place. www.templelodgeclub.com
High Road House. This hotel is owned and operated by the fabulous Soho House group. You don’t have to be a member to rent a room from this particular club, and because it’s on the edge of West London (Turnham Green), the room rates are drastically cheaper that what you will find elsewhere. Still, you can reach central London in less than fifteen minutes by tube, so the location is actually extremely convenient for those who want to sightsee. Book early as these rooms get snapped up quickly! http://house.highroadhouse.co.uk
The Rockwell. I suggested this hotel to my out-of-town wedding guests because it was the most affordable and the most stylish boutique hotel I could find for my lovable yet high-maintenance city friends who were adamant about being in the heart of central London. www.therockwell.com
The Colonnade Townhouse. This is the most luxurious and opulent hotel on my list. However, because of its off-the-beaten-path location, the room rates are surprisingly affordable. Situated steps away from the charming canal-side neighborhood of Little Venice, this hotel is only one tube stop from Paddington Station—which makes it ideal for spending time out and about in Central London. Advance booking gets you the best rate. www.theetoncollection.co.uk
Rent a flat. You’d be amazed at how much cheaper this can be compared to a London hotel. My mother once rented a two-bedroom flat in Sloane Square (arguably the most expensive address in London) for approximately $250 a night. Take a look at the VRBO listings and make sure you ask for the exact postcode (and look it up on a map), before committing to anything, as many of these flats claim to be in better neighborhoods than they really are. www.vrbo.com/vacation-rentals/europe/england/london
When in doubt, check out ratings on Trip Advisor and look for last-minute luxury bargains on Mr. and Mrs. Smith, www.mrandmrssmith.com/hotel-search.
Looking for something even more regal? Try the Stafford Hotel (Prince Harry is known to have clandestine drinks here) or the Goring Hotel (where the entire Middleton family stayed during Kate’s wedding to Prince William)—both are minutes from Buckingham Palace. www.kempinski.com/en/london/the-stafford-london/welcome; www.thegoring.com
Television
The British Broadcasting Company (BBC) is kind of like the UK equivalent of PBS. You will find absolutely no commercials on BBC TV or radio, but unlike PBS which is funded almost entirely by donations, the BBC is funded almost entirely by the taxpayers. For this reason, every person in the UK who owns a television set is required by law to pay for an annual TV license. That’s correct—you must be licensed to drive a car, but you also must be licensed to watch television. They actually do random house checks on people to see if you are watching TV without one—so be sure to pay for yours asap. www.tvlicensing.co.uk
English TV is weird. The commercials (or “adverts”) are few and far between compared to the US, but they are so subtle, sophisticated, and nuanced, you often aren’t sure what they are trying to sell you. Shows about cooking, gardening, and decorating (stuff that is considered daytime TV in America) actually make up the majority of prime-time programming in England. After 9 p.m., full frontal nudity and bad language is completely allowed. Whereas American soap operas are about rich, beautiful people and the terrible things that happen to them, English soap operas (also shown during prime time) are about poor, ugly people and the terrible things that happen to them. Nevertheless, while you may never get to watch The Bachelor, every now and then, the Brits will produce a television series that is absolutely phenomenal. These include:
Fawlty Towers
Absolutely Fabulous
The Office
Downton
Abbey
For a vital (and highly entertaining) slice of English culture, I implore you to view the boxed sets of all of the above.
Radio
BBC Radio is the UK version of NPR. But again, unlike NPR, which is funded almost entirely by donations, BBC Radio is funded almost entirely by the taxpayers.
BBC World is the BBC’s international news and current affairs station and boosts the largest audience of any radio news station in the world.
BBC Radio 4 is a domestic talk radio station that broadcasts a wide variety of incredibly witty, eloquent, and intellectual programs, including news, comedy, science, and history. My favorite thing about Radio 4 is Woman’s Hour (weekdays at 10 a.m.). First broadcast in 1947, Woman’s Hour is forty-five wonderful minutes of reports, interviews, and debates designed specifically to be of interest to British women. I love it because there is always something amusingly English, like “The History of the Dressing Table.” www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/features/womans-hour
Politics
In the US, we have Democrats and Republicans. In the UK, you have the Labour Party and the Conservative Party (also called the Tory Party) and a smaller third party called the Liberal Democrats. (Please note that a UK Republican is a person who is against the monarchy.)
However, the most conservative members of the Tory Party are still considered to be more liberal that most US Democrats. The majority of UK politicians, regardless of left/right party affiliation, are pro-choice, pro–gay rights, pro–stem cell research, and against any kind of gun legalization. (The running joke is that a British policeman must shout, “Stop! Or I shall say ‘stop’ again!”) It is also extremely rare for God or religion to be mentioned in any kind of political debate. Major UK issues tend to be purely economical rather than moral—they debate and protest and complain about taxes and pensions, tuition fees and interest rates. So boring—but so much more civilized.
Most government offices are located within the Palace of Westminster—a historic royal palace and former residence of kings. The layout of the palace is intricate, with its existing buildings containing more than two miles of passages. And within this beautiful, ancient maze of a building, you will find twenty-three official bars. By law, the bars must stay open as long as the House is in session. So while the MPs and their staff sit around waiting for the voting bells to ring, they drink. Vote. Drink. Vote. Drink. Vote. Drink. It’s no wonder the government runs like such a finely oiled machine.
You’ll find no one violently protesting about unborn children, demanding the right to own semiautomatic weapons, or insisting that gay humans are somehow less deserving than straight ones. No one complains about the topless women that appear every day in the tabloid newspapers or about the full frontal nudity that appears on most TV stations after 9 p.m. On the surface, England appears to be an oasis of sheer calm and civilization under the watchful eye of Her Majesty the Queen.
But tensions are bubbling beneath the surface—Brits are upset about budget cuts and banking bonuses, about burkas and bike theft, about Afghanistan and Iraq, about civil liberties and CCTV cameras, and about the increasing gap between the rich and the poor. The difference is that they debate these issues in a much more subtle, much more cerebral way.
My English husband once made a joke about George W. Bush in front of two Texans and was nearly punched in the face. Mark my words: you will not find any Englishmen punching anyone over the likes of Thatcher, Blair, Brown, and Cameron. Brits do care about political issues—but as a general rule they don’t get emotionally worked up about them.
Newspapers
While the US has one neutral national newspaper (USA Today); the UK has twelve, and unlike American journalism, all are unabashedly political, making it clear what policies and politicians they do and don’t support—which sometimes makes it difficult to distinguish fact from opinion.
“Broadsheets” are considered more intellectual—these include The Times, The Telegraph, The Financial Times, The Guardian, The Observer, and The Independent.
“Red Tops” are more populist and celebrity-focused, and along with the news, they kindly publish a full-page photo of a topless girl on page three every single morning. It is not uncommon to sit next to a businessman on the tube who is ogling his daily dose of breasts without an ounce of embarrassment. (Personally, I love to read the Page 3 Girl’s hobbies—they usually include something riveting like putting up shelves.) Red Tops include The Sun, The Star, The Mirror, The Sunday Sport, and the recently defunct News of the World.
Newspapers that fall somewhere in between are the Daily Mail (best paper for the latest royal gossip) and the Daily Express.
Free newspapers are available to London commuters both in the morning (the Metro) and evening (the Evening Standard).
I find the Financial Times and the Guardian to have the best journalism, but The Sunday Times and The Evening Standard offer the best fashion and lifestyle magazines.
The National Health Service
I could write an entire book on this alone—equal parts fairy tale and horror story.
The British people pay a lot of tax and a huge portion of this tax goes toward providing free health care to every single person living in their country. As an American who has lived in the UK since college, I’ve not had to pay for health insurance even once in my adult life. It’s amazing, really.5
The beauty of the NHS is that it tries to be all things to all people—whether you have a cold, a broken leg, or a brain tumor, have been diagnosed with bulimia, emphysema, or schizophrenia—they are there to help you. (I can’t tell you how many of my fellow American grad students were overjoyed to discover that they were eligible for free therapy on the NHS. Not to mention free birth control.) And because it’s free, no one in England ever has to choose between their health and their house payments—where I’m afraid this is not always the case in the US.
Despite the fact it is the third largest employer on the planet (right behind the Chinese Army and the Indian railroad), the downfall of the NHS is that it does not have the capacity to be all things to all people—and so while all services are provided, the quality of these services is often diluted.
Don’t expect sparkling clean doctor’s offices with plush waiting rooms, marble floors, drinking fountains, and potted plants. Most GP (general practitioner) offices are cramped into old London houses with higgledy-piggledy staircases and interiors that have not been painted since the 1950s, so they are almost always a depressingly chipped mint green. You will probably have to hop over a dot matrix printer and a garbage can to get onto the examining table, your nurse will be wearing sweatpants (and her hair won’t be tied back), and you will no doubt see hundreds of dirty fingerprints and/or smeared blood somewhere on the wall before you leave. But the doctors are competent and the service is free, so if you want American-style glamour and gloss—you’ll have to go private.
But be warned: Going private means paying a fortune. For example, if you have a baby with the NHS—the entire delivery is free as well as all pre-natal and post-natal care. If you have a baby privately—expect to pay nearly $17,000 per night in the hospital. Many US (and occasionally UK) companies offer private health insurance to their London employees, so make sure to look into what you may be eligible for.
FYI: To say you weren’t at work because you were “sick” literally means that you were vomiting. Instead, say you were “ill.”
To find and register with your nearest GP, go to: www.myhealth.london.nhs.uk (don’t wait until you are ill!).
If you are ill, and can’t get a GP appointment, you can find a walk-in center here: www.nhs.uk
Dentistry
Historically, the one health service that the NHS did not cover was dentistry. And this is the number one reason why so many Brits have such terrible teeth. Most British people are so deeply appalled by the very idea of paying for anything health-related that they simply opt to neglect their teeth entirely. Nowadays, if you are a severe case, you can become eligi
ble for free dental care on the NHS—but for the most part it remains the one health service in the country that you actually have to pay for.
When I make an appointment for a cleaning in the UK (which generally costs about $50), the dentists usually stare at me blankly.
“But what is the problem?” they ask me.
“No problem,” I say. “Just a cleaning.”
They are usually incredibly puzzled by this because most Brits don’t go to the dentist just for a cleaning; they only go if the pain in their mouth has become so severe that they can no longer eat. When UK dentists peer into my mouth and see that I have never had a single cavity, they practically short-circuit.
Work/Life Balance
My British husband and I are both huge fans of the ingenious TV comedy The Office—both the UK and US versions. After watching a few American episodes the other day, my husband said, “You know—despite all the time-wasting that goes on in both offices, I still get the distinct impression that the US employees are doing more work.”
(Listen—he said it, not me.)
A few small points:
The British work ethic can’t begin to compare with that of the US. Brits actually take tea breaks (more accurately, they feel they are entitled to take tea breaks).
The maternity leave is phenomenal; women have the right to twenty-six paid weeks of maternity leave plus an additional twenty-six weeks of unpaid maternity leave—so a year in total.
By law, UK employees are entitled to a minimum of 5.6 weeks of paid vacation per year. As a result, some of the poorest and most uneducated people in the country have seen more of the world than most middle-class Americans.
My husband is always saying to me, “So where should we go next month?”—and my first reaction is, “But we just went somewhere!” After fifteen years in the UK, my American brain still can’t get used to the idea of going on vacation every eight weeks. (But the beauty of having such a high cost of living in London means you can travel almost anywhere else in the world and it seems cheap.)