“Everyone knows Mason’s your John Cusack.” She waved a hand. “But, I just don’t know what to address first, to be honest.” Hadley re-settled herself. “Okay, so… Start at the beginning. You guys hung out?”
So, I did. I ran her through the first few nights at the lakeshore, the night we first slept together, the days and nights after that, and every nuance she’d missed out on. I finally told her how I felt like shit sometimes and didn’t know why. I told her all the things I should have been telling her from the beginning but feared she’d judge me for. The things I could just so easily and cavalierly tell Roman, of all people.
“And, I missed all of this?” she asked when I was done.
“I’m sorry, Hads.”
She sighed. “No. I’m as much to blame. I totally should have noticed all this. How did you… Are you okay?”
I dropped my head onto the desk. “I don’t know,” I said honestly.
“Well, I mean you…” She took a deep breath and rubbed my back awkwardly like we were old people or something. “He… You guys…connected?”
I nodded. “If we’re going to be so wanky as to call it that, yeah. He was just…” I sighed. “I don’t know, Hads. We can just sit in silence for hours and I feel better. He knows when I need to laugh and when I need to talk and when I need to just not say anything. You know he sings at me when I need a laugh?”
“What?”
I nodded again, my forehead rubbing on the desk. “He’ll sing me a totally unexpected song. Like, full on girl-power power ballads; Katy Perry, Leona Lewis, Mariah. There was a Steps song at one point.”
“Please tell me it was ‘5, 6, 7, 8’ and he did the dance.”
I huffed a laugh. “Yes.”
“No! Really?”
“Yes, really. Dance and all.”
“Piper?”
“Hadley?”
“Marry him, now.”
“What?” I huffed a sceptical laugh.
“Do you think maybe you’ve made a terrible mistake?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, it seems to me that you’ve found someone to serve every single function you could want in a human being – I mean, I’ve obviously been replaced – so…maybe you’re with the wrong guy?”
“Really? You think?”
“Okay, no need to be sarcastic.”
“It’s not like I could be with Roman, though.”
“Sounds like you already were to me.”
Hadn’t I told him the exact same thing? And hadn’t we both realised in the moment that for all intents and purposes we had been together? I may have not let myself believe he wasn’t with other girls, but I’d believed him when he’d said he wasn’t. I’d lost my first real boyfriend before I’d even realised that’s what I’d had…
“And, you weren’t replaced,” I changed the subject so I didn’t have to think about what I might have had.
“Babes, you really didn’t feel good?”
I sighed again. “I can’t explain it and it sounds weak and stupid. But, Roman didn’t care. I could be in a total shit, I could be happy, we could just be around each other and it was so…easy. I didn’t question if what I was doing what right or wrong. I didn’t feel like I had to pretend because I shouldn’t have any problems.”
“You really thought I’d judge you?”
“I don’t know. I just worried, you know. Like, what does Piper Barlow have to worry about? But, here I was feeling down and awkward and just…I don’t know. It was tiring, pretending I was fine. I didn’t have to be like that around Roman. We had a rule, no apologies. We just accepted each other for how we were at the time. There were no expectations, there was no pressure.”
“And, he fixed you?”
I didn’t know if I should sigh or laugh at that, so I made a weird combination noise. Sometimes, it felt a whole lot like Roman had accidentally fixed a part of me, but in reality that wasn’t quite the truth.
“No... Not fixed. No guy – no person, really – just makes all that go away, Hads. But he made it easier to handle, less stressful. Less like I was a whiny bitch, or how I felt was stupid or wrong. With him, it was easier to…breathe, I guess. I could just be me around him and he accepted every me I am.”
And, it was true. Roman hadn’t made everything better; I wasn’t magically healed or whatever because he’d been in my life. I still felt shit sometimes and I still felt lonely in a sea of people sometimes, for no obvious reason at all. But, him making me feel like it was okay – like I was okay, like I wasn’t abnormal and still a good person – it made it easier for me to accept myself and that lessened some of the intensity. He let me be me, and being me wasn’t always so hard anymore.
“Okay, all this is just cementing in my mind that you chose the wrong guy.” She pulled me out of my head and I sighed.
“I chose the guy who wanted a relationship with me, Hads. The guy who wasn’t convinced he has nothing to give me. The guy who wasn’t going to get bored at some point and leave me behind.”
“Yeah, except everything you’ve told me makes me think that Roman wants that, too. Even if he won’t acknowledge it,” she said avidly and I wondered how much I believed my previous statement. “Piper, it’s hard not to notice him, and I’ve noticed the way he looks at you. I’ve been telling you for months that he wants you. And, now I’m convinced. Fuck, babes! I bet he didn’t even know how much he wanted you. But, all the signs were there. That day on the oval?”
“What day on the oval?”
“Do you remember that day the two of you were having a super serious conversation about something?”
“No.”
“It looked to us like he’d just ambushed you, if you hadn’t been so accommodating. And the way you two were together? Honestly, it was fucking inspiring. The two of you kept just subconsciously touching each other, like you were just there for each other, like it was second nature. Then, before he left, I could have sworn he kissed your head. Like, looking back, you two were the epitome of old people relationships–”
I pulled my head off the desk enough to look at her. “What?”
“Well, you know how your parents are always touching, right? I mean, not just your parents, but everyone’s parents. You know how they’re just like extensions of each other? You and Roman are like extensions of each other.”
“You’re insane.”
“No. See, this whole Mason mess wouldn’t have happened if you’d just trusted me in the first place–”
“It wasn’t a lack of trust, Hads.”
Although, I guessed it sort of was in a way. I hadn’t trusted that I was worth loving enough to not be judged by the people closest to me.
“Okay, wrong word. I should have been there for you, I should have noticed something was up. But if I’d known, I never would have forced Mason on you.”
I scoffed. “You didn’t force Mason on me. No one forced Mason on me. I like him and he likes me.”
“Yeah, but you love Roman.”
“Hadley!”
“What?”
“I don’t love Roman.”
“Don’t you? Because it sounds a hell of a lot like you might. I mean, you and I can’t even sit for hours in companionable silence–”
“You couldn’t sit by yourself for hours in companionable silence.”
She laughed. “Okay, yes. But, you get my point. Babes, I hate the fact I was so blind. But, it seems to me that Roman Lombardi gets you in a whole way that no one else does. And, that’s special on any level. I mean, that’s not even taking into account the fact that you’d both rather just sit in silence together than be with anyone else in the world, or the fact that you have enough sexual chemistry to light the world on fire.”
I scoffed.
“He gets you, Piper, and he’s obviously a better friend than I could ever be.”
“Hads, that’s not–”
“No, I’m glad. I droppe
d the ball. Whether you thought it should make sense or not, your feelings were valid. I didn’t see through your bullshit and that’s my bad–”
“Hads–”
“I’m serious, Pipe. I love you like a sister and I hate to admit it but I think you’re right. I would have been a completely judgemental arse in the moment or I would have laughed in your face because you looked so… Normal is a terrible word for it. But, you tried to tell me you were feeling shit? I would have shrugged it off. I would never have just let you be in a shit and accepted it. I would have tried to change it for me, not you. Roman?” She whistled.
“I fucked up.”
“You fucked up.”
“He fucked up.”
“He fucked up.”
“What do I do?” I asked.
“Where did you leave it?”
“He’s no good for me and we have no chance.”
“Well, that’s bullshit!”
“Hads, he said he couldn’t give me anything. There’s very little I can do if that’s what he believes,” I sighed.
“Okay… Well, his idiocy aside, can you keep going out with Mason knowing that you’re irrevocably in love with Roman?”
“Firstly, I am not irrevocably in love with Roman–”
“Aren’t you though?”
“Hadley!” I sighed. God knew I loved her, but she wasn’t always the most helpful. “Maybe I could have been, but we never got there okay? At best, he’ll be my ‘what if’.”
“Oh, because that’s better,” she scoffed.
“Okay, maybe not. But, Mason and I have a real shot here. I do really like him. He’s kind, he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s attractive–”
“He gets you. Oh no, wait, that’s Roman.”
See? Not helpful.
“You are not helping. And you’re the one who wanted me to date Mason in the first place.”
She sighed. “Look, all I’m saying is that maybe you and Mason both deserve better? You deserve the guy you’d otherwise wonder about and he deserves a girl who’s not wondering.”
“I thought Mason was my John Cusack? He’s the guy voted least likely, but he’s the guy who’ll win me over in the end, the guy I couldn’t live without–”
“By that definition, Roman’s your John Cusack.”
I glared at her and kept talking. “What do I do if I push away all of Mason’s sweetness and kindness and potential for Roman and it blows up in my face? In fact, it’s likely to blow up in my face. Roman doesn’t do relationships and I’m not going to waste my time trying to convince him. So, I’d have no potential and still have a ‘what if’.”
“You’re fucked.”
“I’m fucked.”
We sat in silence for a moment; the longest amount of time Hadley had been quiet in the almost life-time I’d known her. And, it felt comfortable. Other than all the Roman bullshit running around my mind, I felt totally at ease. There were no secrets between us and I could breathe easily.
“You don’t hate me for lying to you?” I asked finally.
She hugged me. “I’m annoyed, but I’m going to give you a pass since you were going through shit. But, only this once.”
“What would you do?”
“God,” she whispered, “I don’t know. I mean, Roman is instant passion, you know. And, Mason is like lifetime security, if you want it. But, Roman’s passion could be lifetime security. That’s the unknown. He could wake up and realise that he actually can offer you the world. Mason’s got the steadfastness down, the big gestures, his heart is on his sleeve. Roman, though?”
“Yes. Thanks. Not helping again.”
“Okay, honestly?”
I was painfully reminded of every one of Roman and my exchanges, but I nodded. “Always.”
“I’d pick Mason, but I’m a coward.”
And, there was the real Hadley; bullshit bluster aside. Her trusting me with the truth just reinforced to me that telling her everything had been the right choice. I just wished I’d been strong enough to do it earlier, that I’d trusted her earlier, that I’d been braver earlier.
“Yeah. But aren’t I, too?”
She put an arm around my shoulder. “I don’t know, Pipe. Are you really, though?”
“He scares me, Hads,” I said. “He’s got too much power over me. Without even meaning to. He’s already hurt me. I gave him the power to do it again and I don’t know how to take it back. Every day only makes it worse. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through the risk again.”
“Can I give you some advice, Piper?”
“I’d love some.”
“Tell Mason it’s just not working and go and have mad sex with Roman.”
“Fuck you, Hadley.”
“Love you, too, bitch.”
I buried my face in my elbow and laughed. We may have found ourselves on different pages lately. But when it counted, Hadley knew me and she knew I loved her.
h
The group was sitting on the oval, having lunch and minding their own business. And that’s an important point which will make sense soon.
The oval was a place where a lot of the Year Twelves hung out, so the fact that Roman’s group and mine both happened to be there most days was purely coincidental; it was something that had been happening for years.
Anyway, I’d had to see my English teacher about something after class, so I was the last one making their way to our lunch spot. I walked out on the oval and Roman pushed himself off the wall to my right, falling into step with me.
“Hey,” he said easily.
My eyes fell on the group, but no one was looking our way.
“Hi.” I nodded.
“So, how are things?”
I nodded again. “Yeah, fine. You?”
His hands were in his pockets and he scuffed his shoes on the grass. “Yeah, good. I’m sorry I wasn’t there this morning…”
“What do we say about apologies, Lombardi?”
“That they’re polite, just not necessary.”
I nodded yet again. “Okay. Well, good. Look, I need to go.”
His hand brushed my arm, then he stopped. “If you want a ride home… I’ll be in the carpark.”
I sighed. “Sure. I’ll…” Why did things have to be so awkward now? Hadley and my conversation the other day hadn’t helped at all in that department. “Maybe. I’ll see you later.”
I could just picture him nodding once and kicking the ground before strolling back to his friends while I hurried to mine. As I sat down, I was convinced everyone knew I had plenty to be guilty about. But, no one looked at me any differently, Mason took my hand and kissed my cheek before turning back to Simon, and the world just went on.
I was having a little trouble reconciling the fact that the world could just go on around me while my world was in slightly more turmoil than was preferable. But, even though it was a little harder than it had been lately, I smiled and nodded and pretended everything was fine.
I don’t even remember what we were talking about when there was a commotion on the other side of the oval. We all turned to see two people fighting, and it was fairly epic even for our school’s standards.
I recognised one figure easily and so didn’t need Hadley’s elbow in my ribs or her hissed, “It’s Roman!”
I nodded, telling myself to turn around and not worry about it.
“Go over there! It’ll look weirder if you don’t!” Hadley’s lips were practically in my ear. She elbowed me again. “Go!”
“Like I can do anything,” I answered her.
“You’ve got more chance than anyone else,” Mason said and I jumped slightly guiltily.
“He doesn’t listen to me.”
“You guys are friends. He listens to you.”
“Okay, okay,” I muttered and got up, knowing they’d keep pushing and then that would make it weird. “I’m on it.”
I strode over to Roman, yelling at h
im. It was surely only a matter of minutes before a teacher was going to notice the fight and pull it apart; they might not pay enough attention to the oval to tell him off for smoking, but a fight wasn’t going to get past anyone. Plus, Roman was due for a suspension this time, so the not getting noticed at all thing was a whole lot better.
“Roman!” I snapped.
Which, turned out to be a bad plan. He turned to me as I said his name again and Grant cracked him in the side of the head. Roman shot me a glare and swung back at Grant with gusto.
“Seriously, dude. You cannot afford–”
“Afford what, Piper?” Mr Dunbridge asked from behind me and I grimaced. Of course it had to be Mr Dunbridge.
“Exactly what he deserves?” I answered, turning to him with an awkward smile.
Mr Dunbridge nodded. “Gentlemen. Can we get some control over ourselves, please?”
Grant and Roman stopped and turned. Roman’s eyebrow was split and blood trickled down the side of his face. He breathed heavily and his expression was like thunder.
I was actually surprised to see him in a fight at school. He got in a lot of fights outside of school, everyone knew that, I’d seen the evidence plenty. But, I guess it just seemed like all the guys at school knew better than to start a fight with him – not counting Rio. Obviously either Grant didn’t know better, or something had gone down.
“Is there a reason for this?” Mr Dunbridge asked.
Roman glared in stony silence while Grant shook his head.
Mr Dunbridge sighed. “All right then. Piper, why don’t you go back to your friends. There’s no need for you to be caught up in this unnecessarily.”
Grant scoffed. “Back to Carter, more like.”
Roman span, grabbed him by the front of his clothes and shoved his fist in his face. “You don’t fucking talk about her!”
I’d stepped forward and had my hand on Roman’s arm before I could think about it. “Lombardi, stop acting like a tool,” I said, only loud enough for him and Grant to hear me.
Grant looked at me in humoured surprise, but neither of them moved.
“For God’s sake,” I muttered as I grabbed the piercing in the top of Roman’s ear and pulled.
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