I snorted. “Sure. That makes sense. What did you get up to in the end?”
They chattered about Lacey’s and ice cream while I listened avidly; I might not have felt like going out – and it was amazing that everyone was okay with that – but I still wanted to hear about it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Roman walking towards us. He scowled bloody murder at Mason, but there was very little I could do about that. I gave him a half-hearted smile and a nod before turning back to the others.
“…and, Craig got cracked in the nuts,” Mason finished.
“Yeah, I can imagine,” I laughed.
And, I could. The boys leapfrogging over the poles outside the ice cream place never went well, so I don’t know why they always thought it was going to “be fine this time”.
I closed my locker and the three of us headed for class.
And, my week continued much the same.
Roman and I basically avoided each other. I gave up trying to spare him smiles in the hopes it would make him feel better. I gave up hoping he’d even look at me. Although – according to Hadley – he did look at me plenty, especially when I wasn’t looking. I caught the bus every morning and afternoon, and he drove. I didn’t try to get a ride from him. I didn’t force my company on him. I gave him the space he quite clearly desired.
But, something niggled at me like it was the wrong choice.
Something that tried to tell me that what Roman needed was confrontation; he needed me to talk to him, to try harder to make him smile. But, I couldn’t. My early attempts had been met with the contemptable Roman, the bristly Roman, the dark Roman. He was obviously decided and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. So, I didn’t trust what felt weirdly like instincts. And, I treated him the same way I had months ago.
Hadley, Celeste and I hung out with Mason, Craig and Tucker, and sometimes Simon and the others. I could walk away whenever I needed and they all just understood. The girls flirted and the boys flirted, but it was easy and free and fun and open. Although, there was something sizzling under the surface between Tucker and Hadley that she wouldn’t hear about.
Mason and I often laughed about it, along with numerous other things. We argued about which John Cusack movie was the best, we argued about mud cake versus angel food cake, we teased Celeste for her crush on Craig, we danced stupid mock-jigs around the oval to take the notice off Hadley and Tucker off in a heated discussion in the corner.
My school work went well, although the idea that exams were so close was not filling me with rainbows.
My parents were still the wonderful people they always were.
I even felt a little better one afternoon – when Celeste was busy trying to flirt with the boys and playing football and Hadley and I were sitting out – when Hadley decided to bring up the uni thing again.
“So… Primary teaching at Uni SA?” she started.
I nodded. “That’s my first preference.”
“Okay…”
“Babes, what do you actually want to ask?” I chuckled, throwing her a quick look.
She rearranged in her seat. “Sydney or Melbourne?” she hedged.
My heart hitched, but I nodded again. “What about them?”
“Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to tell me the real reason you didn’t want to apply there?”
“Fair enough…” I replied slowly.
“If it’s Roman, babes–”
“No!” I said too quickly and too loudly, then I put a hand on her knee so she’d let me finish. “No. It’s not Roman. I just… I’m stressed enough about moving just to Adelaide. I know it’s stupid–”
“It’s not stupid!” she said vehemently. It was the way she’d been trying to express her support and I had to love her even more for it.
“Okay, it’s not stupid. I get it might be hard for you to understand. But, I just… I can’t do it, babes. I’m sorry.”
She threw an arm around me and pulled me close. “No, Piper. I think, if there’s one thing Roman got right, it was no apologies. I don’t have anything against Adelaide and, knowing that’s what’s going to make you comfortable, then that’s fine.”
“But, Hads… If you want to go to–”
“Oh, hell no! We’ve been inseparable since kindergarten. I’m not going anywhere you’re not if I don’t have to. We’ve always planned to go to uni together, live together, cause havoc together. Nothing’s going to change that.”
“Don’t you dare do this just for me.”
She shook her head against mine. “Never. I’m far too shallow.”
I laughed, but it sounded somewhat tense as I tried to keep the tears at bay.
“You okay?” she asked me and I swear the dam almost broke right there.
She sounded so much like Roman had that first night.
“I’m just being an idiot.”
“No, babes. Never.” She squeezed me tight. “You can’t help you fell for him.”
Putting it like that made me feel so pathetic. I knew she didn’t mean it to, and I knew I wasn’t really pathetic. Because, Roman and I…
“It was more than that, Hads…”
“I know. You also can’t help that the great idiot enjoys this self-imposed exile he’s put himself in.”
“Pain is something he understands too well.”
“Piper, he’ll work it out.” I decided not to call her out on the emotion in her voice this time; Hadley could do with some more practise with emotions.
I shook my head. “I don’t think he will.”
She sighed. “Then help him, babes.”
“How?”
“Well, seems to me that Roman’s your perfect, accident or not. So I say, we’re strong, independent, modern women. Fight for your perfect, Piper. Tell him what he means to you.”
“How? We’ve tried that, it doesn’t work. He just tells me that he’s got nothing to offer me and he’s no good for me. That he can’t be the guy I need.”
“What do you think about that?”
I huffed. “It’s fucking bullshit.”
“Why?” Hadley snorted and I knew she was enjoying this more assertive version of me. “Why is it fucking bullshit?”
“Because he’s already the guy I need. He’s always been there for me. He knows how to make me feel better. We might get pissy with each other, but in the end it’s… It used to be fine.”
“Until he decided to deny his emotions.”
I nodded, conceding that. “Well, yeah.” I looked at her. “Wait. You really think he’s denying his emotions?”
“Way I see it, babes… The guy’s in love with you. This is new for him – presumably, right? So, it’s kinda scary. He doesn’t know how to do this attachment thing. So, he freaks out and he pushes you away, thinking it’s just a matter of time before he hurts you–”
“You seem very knowledgeable about all this…?”
“I am the female him, remember?”
I snorted. “Right.”
“So, what you need to do is reassure him he’s perfect. Remind him he’s already the guy you need and make him really realise that you don’t need or want him to change.”
I nodded as I waved back to Mason. “And, how do you propose I do this? I’ve tried, Hads. He won’t hear me.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Just ask him to meet you and make him listen.”
“Still not really seeing the ‘how’ here…”
“Babes, I’m the ideas one. You’re the make things happen one.” She indicated Roman on the other side of the oval. “So… Make things happen.”
Of course, it wasn’t as easy as that.
But, I made full use of the Ideas One and bounced things off her erratic, emotionless brain. She was a fantastic Roman, all snide and sarcastic and rude. If I hadn’t known any better, I’d almost have thought Roman at his lowest was standing in front of me. And, I knew she was having a marvellous time with it all. Still, it hel
ped me work out exactly what I wanted to say.
Finding the courage to say it to him was another matter.
Hadley helped keep me distracted with study and uni applications and looking for places to rent. Now that I didn’t have the threat of Melbourne or Sydney hanging over me, I felt a little better about it all. Being able to tell Hadley the real reason I was apprehensive also made it all better; when it was all getting too much and the panic set in even unexpectedly, I could just ask her for a break and she was more than happy to oblige with no questions asked.
We all went to Mason’s last lacrosse game of his school career and cheered him on fantastically. The trophy hinged on that last game and we all knew Mason was a bit nervous about it. So, we piled ourselves into every piece of school paraphernalia we could find and stood on the sidelines waving to him and booing the opposition.
Naturally, Mason was great. He was the perfect captain who took his team to victory for the last time. He was hoisted onto shoulders and paraded around, to be finally dropped in front of me and I hugged him hard.
When I let go of him, I turned to see Hadley and Tucker in a total make out fest. Mason and I shared a comfortable grin, put our arms around each other and gave Hadley and Tucker a little bit of space.
“How’re things going?” Mason asked.
“Other than how sweaty and gross you are? They’re actually pretty good.”
“Roman pulled his head out of his arse yet?”
Hadley had kept everyone informed of every day that Roman continued to be an idiot. I didn’t know if it was a testament to the standing I held with my friends, but they didn’t care I was into the resident underachiever. They were totally happy to join Hadley in waiting to see when Roman would pull his finger out and be my boyfriend. It was simultaneously a little sad because Roman was – in Hadley’s words – still being a fuckwit, but also a little humorous because it was unexpectedly wonderful of them.
I laughed. “No. And, I don’t think he will.”
We stopped and he turned to face me. “Ah, I’m sorry, Pipe.”
I shrugged. “Don’t be. It’s probably better I get the whole unrequited love thing out of the way before uni. Makes it easier that way. I’ll be more experienced and mature and all that.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I reckon you’re right.”
I felt a huge twinge of guilt hit me. “I’m sorry, Mason…”
He gave me a warm smile, all sincere and happy. “Bit arrogant, thinking I meant you.”
“Oh, you didn’t–”
“I might have, but it’s okay.”
“How… Is there anyone else?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Nah, seems a bit late to be hoping for anything when we’re all moving away next year. Who knows who will end up where, if we’ll all stay in touch?”
“Well, you can be sure we’ll always stay in touch.”
“I hope so. You’re a great friend to have.”
“So are you.”
“I’m glad we did this,” he said, mirroring the words he’d said on our one date.
“Did what?” I smiled.
“Not go out.”
I reached up to kiss his cheek and hugged him again. “Me, too.” And, this time, I knew I was being honest.
So, there I was. I had about three or four facets of my life working out pretty damn well. Looking back, it all seemed too good to be true. But, I was apparently just that lucky.
I still saw Dr Freeman every couple of weeks and she thought I was making pretty decent progress. I found out that once I embraced my funk and my true self, it wasn’t so hard to use the coping mechanisms she gave me. My friends and family were a fantastic support system. And, actually, just having them by my side gave me the confidence to keep going on a daily basis and not give in when it all felt too hard and confronting.
I might never have Roman in my life again and I was slowly coming to grips with that. But, I still had a hell of a lot to be thankful for. I still had my own kind of perfect. And, that was pretty perfect in itself.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
The. Last. Damned. Time.
All right, so it had taken almost a week after Hadley had first started coaching me in talking to Roman for me to get up the courage to do it. We’d gone over every possible way I could lose my train of thought and keep me to task. Now, all I had to do was see if all that training was going to pay off.
I paced the lakeshore, not knowing if he was going to turn up or not. Things had been strained enough as it was. I’d all-but ignored him, he’d repaid the favour spectacularly. I’d written what felt like hundreds of messages to him only to delete them without sending them.
I had no reason to expect he’d still feel anything for me anymore that would mean he’d meet me just because I’d asked.
“You’re going to wear a fucking trench if you keep that up,” came the huff and I span to find him, cigarette in mouth and hand in pocket.
I opened my mouth and snapped it shut again as I tried to find the words that had been swimming around in my head since I’d let Hadley talk me into this whole mess. At the sight of him, I couldn’t remember a single one. I couldn’t remember why we were both there. I couldn’t think of anything, feel anything except the way my heart felt lighter whenever I looked at him and my mind seemed to settle.
So much for training…
“What, Piper?” he asked as he flicked ash onto the shore, sounding incredibly bored.
“You came,” was all I seemed capable of saying.
“Yeah. Why?”
My heart finally remembered why it had been feeling so heavy lately and it stuttered a little. “I… I don’t know. I mean, I know I don’t deserve–”
“Why did you message?” he sighed exasperatedly.
“Oh… Uh… Look, I just wanted to say something–”
“I don’t need your apologies, Piper. Okay? Save it for your boyfriend when he finds out you wanted to meet me at the lake in the middle of the night.” He ground the butt under his heel and lit another straight away.
“My…? What?”
“You’ve forgotten his name?” he scoffed.
I blinked. “Uh, no… I mean, Mason and I… We haven’t been dating for a while…”
He’d been successfully avoiding looking at me like anything else in the world was far more interesting. But, his eyes snapped to my face now, narrowing in what I couldn’t decide was anger or confusion.
“What?”
I shrugged. “We’re not dating. Haven’t been for…a couple of weeks.”
His head jerked a little the way it did when he had to force himself to hold his tongue or his fist. “I’m surprised it took you so long to text. Look, I’m flattered. But, I think I’ve wasted enough time on you.” He’d gone back to not looking at me.
If anyone else I really cared about had said that to me, my poor, beaten heart would have crumpled, insecurities would have flooded in, and I would have been totally offended. But, this was Roman. All I felt was angry with him and I pulled myself up.
It wasn’t my fault he felt more for me than he wanted.
“Just because your ego was bruised doesn’t give you the right to be a dick. All I’ve done is try here, Roman. We’re both well aware we’ve both messed up on multiple occasions, but we don’t lie to each other. Hide behind that bluster all you like, but I know you don’t think any time we spent together was a waste–”
“Do you? What are you? Some kind of fucking psychic?” he sneered.
“Do you know what?” I snapped. “I’m going to say something now Roman and you’re going to keep your damned mouth shut. You’re not going to want to hear it and I don’t really want to say it. But, I’m out of options and this is the only way forward–”
“Forward?” he laughed mirthlessly as he pointed at me with the cigarette he held. “I knew you’d become one of those girls. I thought you’d be the only one not to. But, you – like all th
ose other idiots – think I can be changed!”
I crossed my arms and waited for him to finish his tirade.
“I don’t change, sweetheart. I am who I am. I’m the slacker degenerate the cops pick up for existing because bets are I’ve done something illegal. I’m the guy that every father dreads around his daughter. I get into so many fights no one bats an eyelid anymore. I’m the guy the school hasn’t expelled only because my father pays a shit tonne to keep me enrolled – like that’s going to make me pass. I’m the guy stuck raising his niece because his mum has to work harder so she feels like her family isn’t a failure, because her son’s a criminal and her daughter has zero sense of responsibility for her own mistakes. And still, I don’t change. No matter how much I love her. What makes you think I’m going to change for you? Huh?”
I stood silent for a while, until it was obvious he was done.
“You finished?” I asked and he only glared at me. “Good. Okay. I listened to your self-pitying tirade, time for you to listen to mine. I quite frankly don’t give a shit about how you see yourself, because I know it’s crap. I don’t want you to change, Roman. I always loved you for you and nothing will change that. You might be all the things you say. But that’s not all you are, you idiot. Sweet little Piper Barlow might be stupidly naïve, but not when it comes to you. I asked you to meet me for… God, a multitude of reasons, to be honest. But the crux of it is this, I always told you that I was woman enough to ask you out if I wanted to date you. And, I am. So, I’m just going to tell you something and let you think about it.
“I don’t just love you. I fell in love with you. The dark bits and the light bits and everything in the middle. You thinking you’re not good enough or you can’t give me what I need isn’t going to change that, because I know you are and I know you can. You already did. I know I can be what you need and I know you can be what I need. But, none of that matters if you don’t believe it. I want you to ask yourself why that is, Roman. What’s holding you back from being with me, really? I don’t want to change you. I never want you to change. I want you exactly as you are – moody, angry, degenerate criminal that you are who I know cares about me. Because you can hide behind a scowl and flippant words, but I know!
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