“You don’t…” My voice conveniently started cracking here. “You don’t share what we did and not care. Not someone like you. You can tell me it was all for show, it was all for fun, you were only in it for the sex. Nothing that comes out of your mouth at this point could be unexpected. But, I want to date you, Roman. It’s as simple as that. I want you to think long and hard why you believe it’s impossible, because I don’t. So…” I cleared my throat awkwardly. “So, I didn’t plan on ranting quite so long. But, that’s it. I want to be with you. You’re that something I need, and you offer me something no one else can. So, you let me know if you change your mind. Otherwise, I guess I’ll see you around, Lombardi.”
I took a step to leave, paused, shook my head, and took another step.
“Piper…”
I stopped again and took a deep breath. “I don’t really need to hear how you can’t give me anything and I should be with someone else or whatever bullshit excuse it was you used the last time, okay? Ball’s in your court now.”
I started walking away and almost missed his next words.
“I thought friends put the other first?” His voice was low, it was angry, and it was accusing.
I turned back to him. “Friends?” I huffed a humourless laugh. “Roman, we’re in love with each other. We may as well both have admitted it. This? This is putting our friendship first. We’re broken, Roman. We’ve been broken since you told me what you felt didn’t change anything. We tried just friends and it didn’t work because you were jealous of Mason and I was angry you didn’t ask me to choose you when you had the chance. You want to be friends? Tell me you don’t love me.”
I looked at him, waiting for his answer. He threw his cigarette butt down and I knew he was glaring at me. I knew how angry I’d made him and I knew he was just as angry with me as he was with himself. Both of us were to blame here and there was no going back now. But, enemies felt a hell of a lot better than broken just then. I was being a little selfish again, but I’d come to realise that sometimes you had to put you first.
“I don’t love you, Piper.” His voice was even, but it was thick. Even though my heart hammered on my ribcage – wailing that it was the truth – my head wasn’t falling for it.
I shrugged. “Well, we said no lies. So, I guess that’s the truth, then.”
We stared at each other for a few moments, the air sizzling around us with expectation and unsaid words. But, I wasn’t going to keep fighting him now; I’d done all I could. I’d given it one last shot.
“Can I hug you now?” I asked.
“What?” He was genuinely taken aback.
“Well… Friends hug, right?”
He stared at me in shock, then nodded slowly.
I walked forward and reached up to wrap my arms around his neck like I used to. After a moment, his arms slid slowly around my waist and his nose went to my hair. My heart had a mini tantrum at all the feelings it elicited in me; he smelled so comforting and familiar I wondered how the hell I’d managed to live lately without something that seemed so…right. So much like home.
I pulled back to look at him, our noses bumping. There was pain in his eyes and I knew I’d put it there. I knew it was my fault; that I’d pushed when I probably shouldn’t. But, I had a chance to get him back and I was going to take it – I had to know I’d done everything I could. It was up to him what he did with that.
“Piper…” he whispered, his eyes searching for something.
“Roman?” I replied.
“I can’t…” It sounded like it took him an effort just to say that much…or little.
I nodded, swallowing the urge to tell him again that he was wrong – I couldn’t force him to change his mind and to keep trying wouldn’t be right. “Okay.”
He dropped his forehead to mine, closed his eyes and sighed. I ran my hand down his cheek and he took a deep breath.
“I can’t hurt you more than I already have, Piper…” he breathed.
I bit my tongue against what I wanted to say in response. “I… I understand.”
His eyes opened and he looked into mine. “Do you?”
I sighed, trying not to lose the tenuous hold I had over my emotions. “I don’t know anymore, Roman. Okay? I think I do, then you say things like that and I have no idea.”
He held me closer and I snuggled my face into his jumper. God, he smelled so…him and nice and I missed it. I missed him. I’d take his friendship if that’s all he could give. But, could he?
“I just…” He sighed. “This is as good an example as any. I can’t keep my hands off you when I’m with you. And, that’s not fucking fair. What kind of friend constantly thinks about kissing you, or worse–?”
“You.”
He gave a rough chuckle, then all the humour was gone. “Fuck. Maybe this isn’t a good idea.” He held me at arm’s length and searched my face.
Now, my head was starting to listen to my still whining heart. “What?” I asked.
He spun away and ran his hand through his hair. “Maybe we shouldn’t be friends…” He took a deep breath. “Fuck, when did things get so hard?”
“When we fell in love with each other,” I answered, my tone colder than I should have let it get. But, I could only fight so far.
“I told you I don’t–”
I grabbed him, pulled him to me and kissed him. He took less than a second to respond. One hand cupped my cheek and the other gripped my hip tightly. I ran my hand through his hair and kissed him with everything I had. I gave him fireworks, slow burn, everything we could have been if things had been different. And his kiss did nothing to convince me his words were true, that he felt anything less than I did. His hand ran up my side, making goose bumps chase across my skin and my heart flutter painfully in my chest.
Before I completely lost my mind and finished reaching for his belt buckle, I pulled away, both of us breathing heavily. I pointed at him, feeling anger bubbling.
“Don’t lie to me, Roman,” I spat, venom in my tone. “Ever. Again.”
I turned and stomped back towards my house, ignoring him calling after me no matter how much I wanted to turn back. It was the last time I’d walk away from him, that I promised myself. I was never putting myself in the position where I’d have to make that choice again.
I could handle him having the stupid delusion that he couldn’t be what I needed or telling himself he wasn’t in love with me. But, that wasn’t the kind of kiss you gave someone you didn’t love in some capacity. Maybe we could have found our way back to friends, but it wasn’t happening now.
I felt a hand on my arm. “Fuck’s sake, Piper!” he said heavily.
I ripped my arm from him and turned around so fast that I almost overbalanced, but I caught myself. “Just leave me be, Roman. Please.”
“Fuck, no. You want no more lies, Piper? Fine! Yes, I love you. I love you more than I knew was even possible. I love you so much it fucking scares the hell out of me. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You’re the only person to accept me for who I am, not who you want me to be or who you think I can be if I just applied myself a little more. But, I can’t be with you because I am so afraid I’ll ruin it and hurt you more than I already have.”
“Nothing hurts me more, Roman, than you thinking so little of yourself. You were everything I needed and you weren’t even trying. How can you think you’ll fail if you do try?” I asked softly.
He shook his head. “Because it’s what I do.”
“Roman, I’m done trying to convince you otherwise. You want to believe that? It’s not up to me to make you believe in yourself when you don’t want me to. I fought for us as far as I could. It’s your turn now. You decide you can be with me, then you let me know. But, this? This is done. We can’t live with less when we both want more. We’ve tried and we’ve failed. I miss you. I miss us. But, we both deserve better.”
He looked at me carefully, then started shaking h
is head again slowly. “I… I can’t…”
I nodded. “Okay. See you around, Lombardi.” I pulled away from him and went home.
“Piper!” he called, but he didn’t follow me.
That.
That was going to be the last time I walked away from him.
Chapter Thirty
When You Say Nothing At All.
The holidays were meant to be final study time. We had mock exams when school went back and then the real things. So, it would have been normal for Piper to spend most of her time avoiding people and studying.
But, she didn’t.
I mean, I did study. I’m not a complete idiot. But, I promised myself that I was going to live my life no matter what happened.
I’d given Roman the ultimatum, as unfair as that may have seemed. If that was our goodbye, I knew I’d done everything I could to fight for him, to show him I loved every him he was. I couldn’t say I liked it – damn, it hurt – but I’d done what Dr Freeman said; I’d worked out what made me unhappy and took steps to let go of it. Unfortunately, it was a more literal let go than I’d hoped for.
Still, I had Hadley and Celeste, Mason, Craig and Tucker, and all the others we’d seemed to have surrounded ourselves with. Even if I wasn’t feeling it, I forced myself to go to at least one out of two things they organised and I always enjoyed myself once I was there.
We took to taking over a few of Lacey’s outdoor tables with our books and empty milkshake glasses as we told ourselves we were studying but in actual fact just got distracted.
I laughed as Mason batted me for stealing one of his chips and he stole one of mine back.
“I can’t find my Stats notes!” Celeste cried as she shuffled books and papers around the tables.
Craig helped her look while she made eyes at Simon – yep, she’d moved off Craig and been through Henry and onto Simon – as I went back to my English notes and Mason and I elbowed each other back and forth. Conversation flowed around the table companionably, both study and general chatter.
“Do you think we need to read the whole thing?” Mason asked me.
I snorted as I looked at him. “Don’t tell me that Mr Perfect didn’t read it all when we were doing it?” I gasped.
He gave me a wry nod. “Very cute. But, no. I didn’t.” He picked up Heart of Darkness and waved it around aimlessly. “I just couldn’t get into it.”
“How did you get that A then?”
His grin turned mischievous. “SparkNotes is a wonderful invention.”
I smacked his arm as I laughed. “I cannot believe Mason Carter cruised through with SparkNotes!”
He shrugged nonchalantly. “Yeah, well. Call me James Dean, rebel without a cause.”
“Hardly without. Your cause seems to be passing English Lit.”
We both laughed. And that was how easy it was with Mason now. We just worked. And thankfully, Shayla seemed to have finally got the hint that Mason wasn’t into her.
After a few hushed, heated words with Tucker, Hadley huffed, pushed herself up from the table, and walked off. Tucker hurried after her, calling her name, and Mason and I exchanged a look.
They’d been doing that a bit lately. After a couple of weeks of seemingly perfection of their own, Hadley and Tucker had been… Well, fighting was excessive. But, she got short with him and he wasn’t putting up with it. I mean, good on him; even if she was my best friend, she had no right to snap at him for no reason.
Although, I was pretty sure I knew the reason… Which didn’t make it any better.
“Has she said anything?” Mason asked me.
I shook my head as I picked up my glass. “I’ve tried to broach the subject, but she just gets…antsy and short. I know how hard it can be to talk about stuff so I’m the last person who’d push her. But…”
“But, it’s Hadley.”
I nodded. “She’s freaking out.”
“It’s hardly just her. Tuck’s no better at this shit than the Hadley Reynolds. When they told us, I was surprised.”
“He’s had girlfriends.”
Mason shrugged. “He’s dated girls. I wouldn’t call them girlfriends.”
“You know, I’d worry he was going to break her heart. But, I’m not sure she’s not going to break his first.”
Mason sighed. “Maybe they’ll realise it’s not working before too much damage is done?”
I nodded and looked after them. I couldn’t tell if they were still having a heated discussion or if they were exchanging flirty banter.
“I guess it’s not up to us to dictate it’s not working…” I said more wistfully than I’d intended.
“Pipe…”
I gave a half-hearted laugh. “I’m fine, Mase.”
“For what it’s worth – and I know you know him better – but I’m pretty sure he’s miserable.”
My laugh was more a huff this time. “Thanks. But, I’m going to let it go. I made the decision I wanted to be with him. And, he made the decision to not be with me. A relationship takes two and I have to respect his decision even if I don’t agree with it.”
Mason chuckled. “You sound like you’ve thought about this a lot.”
I sighed. “Oh, I have. By myself, with Hadley –who’s still all for castrating him – with Dr Freeman. I’ve spent too much time thinking about him, really.”
My eyes slid back to where Hadley and Tucker were still in close conversation. I knew my best friend and I was wondering how much of the advice she’d had for me in regards to Roman was showing itself now. Was she freaking out about falling for Tucker? Was she just forcing something to work that wasn’t supposed to? Was she actually just as inept at the whole dating thing as I was after all?
But, it really didn’t matter in the end because she had to make her own paths and her own mistakes. All I could do was be there for her when she needed me the way I’d learnt to let her be there for me.
I picked up my glass again and realised it was empty.
“Right, I need a refill. Who else?”
Celeste put her hand up and I pushed up from the table and headed inside to get us more drinks. More caffeine meant more toilet breaks and a slight increase in the anxious racing of my heart. But, it also kept me oddly focussed and was far too delicious to pass up.
h
On a night we’d all decided was going to be a night off from study, we went for ice cream. So of course, the boys decided to play leapfrog with the poles outside the shop again.
I winced as Simon leapt over the pole, but he cleared it.
“See, it is fine this time!” Tucker crowed and I shook my head and pointed my spoon at him.
“That’s what you say until someone loses a nut,” I said.
“All right. You’ve got no nuts. Why don’t you show us how it’s done?” Simon said.
I nodded. “Fine, then.”
“You’re too short,” Marty laughed.
I held my ice cream cup to Mason, who took it from me with an encouraging wry smile. “I’ll show you short!”
I lined myself up as they all called things out; some encouraging, some jokingly disparaging. I flipped off the naysayers and rubbed my hands together.
“That’s going to help is it?” Mason laughed.
“Shut up, all good gymnasts do this before a trick.”
“I think it’s called an apparatus,” Henry said.
“And, I think they have chalk,” Hadley offered.
“You can both shut it,” I laughed.
“Come on then, shorty.”
I nodded and prayed that all those stories about being hit in the vagina hurting as much as being kicked in the nuts were all bullshit.
I took a run up and launched. My hands landed on the top of the pole fine. But, the rest of my body didn’t seem to think that leaping over the pole was a great idea. I sort of hopped lopsidedly and ended up staggering off to the left of it as I landed without any part of my body go
ing over it.
Thankfully, Tucker was there to catch me before my hip had a rather rude introduction to the pavement.
“Okay!” I conceded amongst the laughter, leaning on Tucker as I tried to control my own laughter. “Okay! I’m too short.”
“Well, you gave it a go,” Tucker chuckled. “That’s more than I can say for some people.” He looked pointedly at Hadley, who huffed.
“Fine. I’ll try it.” I couldn’t tell if it was animosity between them or that flirtatious banter that so often masqueraded as animosity.
The closer Hadley got to Tucker, the harder I found her to read. But, I was starting to determine new little nuances that helped me understand. And I could have been wrong, but I thought her eyes looked more banter than anything else.
She lined herself up just as I had. She took a run up just like I had. Her hands landed on the pole just like mine had. But she cleared it easily, just like I hadn’t.
A great cheer went up and I threw my hands in the air as I did. I turned in excitement, but I ran smack into someone. With an apologetic smile on my face, I saw I’d run into Rio. He stopped, but Jake and Steve kept walking.
“Oh, hey,” I said, stepping away from him which also happened to be inadvertently away from my friends.
He nodded, his mouth a hard line. “Hey.”
“How are you?”
His eyes widened in surprise. “We friends?”
I felt my face flush. “Well, I guess not. No.”
He gave one nod. He looked between me and my friends as he took a drag of his cigarette. “You seem to be dealing with…everything.”
My heart thudded. “What do you mean, ‘everything’?”
Had Roman gone and told his friends all my secrets? Laughed behind my back about stupid Piper Barlow thinking life was so hard?
He shrugged. “Lombardi might be an idiot. The rest of us aren’t. Look, it’s not much coming from me, but I’m sorry he’s being a fucking wanker.” He looked over to Tucker. “Mind you, you seem to have moved on.”
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