Three Plays

by Alan Ayckbourn

  [The doorbell rings]

  Excuse me…

  [DIANA goes out]

  [Offstage dialogue]

  MARGE: Only me.

  DIANA: Marge!

  MARGE: I’ve been shopping, don’t laugh.

  DIANA: Leave your coat?

  MARGE: Oh yes!

  [Sound of shopping bags dropping and laughter]

  DIANA: How’s Gordon?

  MARGE: Not too bad… [Bustling in laden with bags] … poor little thing – lying there – with his face as white as a sheet…

  DIANA: [returning] Poor thing…

  MARGE: He looks dreadful…. Hallo, Evelyn.

  EVELYN: Hallo.

  MARGE: Oh! Look who’s here! Little baby Walter.

  EVELYN: Wayne.

  MARGE: What?

  EVELYN: It’s Wayne. His name’s Wayne.

  DIANA: [laughing] Walter….

  MARGE: I thought it was Walter.

  DIANA: Marge, honestly. You can’t have a baby called Walter.

  MARGE: Well, I don’t know. Somebody must have done…. [she screams with laughter. Peering into the pram] Oh look. Look at his skin. It’s a lovely skin, Evelyn.

  EVELYN: Thank you.

  MARGE: Beautiful skin. Hallo, Baby Wayne. Hallo, Wayne. Google – google – google.

  DIANA: Ssh, Marge, she’s just got him to sleep.

  MARGE: [quieter] Diggy diggy diggy. [whispering] Lovely when they’re asleep.

  DIANA: Yes…

  MARGE: [whispering] Looks like his Daddy. Looks like John.

  DIANA: You don’t have to whisper, Marge. Just don’t shout in his ear.

  MARGE: [back to her carriers etc.] Look at all this lot. I can’t go anywhere.

  DIANA: What have you got there?

  MARGE: You know what I’m like. You know me…oh, guess what I did get?

  DIANA: What?

  MARGE: Are you ready?

  DIANA: Yes.

  MARGE: Brace yourself. I got the shoes.

  DIANA: You bought them?

  MARGE: Just now and I don’t care. I passed the shop on the way here. I thought it’s no good, I don’t care, it’s now or never, I’m going to have them, I must have them. So I got them.

  DIANA: I must see.

  MARGE: Just a minute. Gordon’ll go mad… [Rummaging] Now, which one did I put them in?

  DIANA: It is a shame about Gordon. Gordon’s ill, Evelyn, he can’t come.

  EVELYN: Oh.

  MARGE: No. He finally got it. It’s been going round and round for months, I knew he’d get it eventually. He was perfectly all right last night, then he woke up this morning and he’d got it…. [Finding her shoe bag within another bag] Here we are… [Finding something else] Oh – nearly forgot. That’s for you.

  DIANA: For me?

  MARGE: It’s only a little thing. But I saw one while I was in there and I knew you’d seen mine and wanted one…

  DIANA: Oh, yes…

  MARGE: [to EVELYN] It’s a holder. For those paper towels in the kitchen. Paper towel holder. Have you got one?

  EVELYN: No.

  MARGE: Remind me, I’ll get you one.

  DIANA: That’s so thoughtful. I must pay you for it.

  MARGE: You’ll do no such thing.

  DIANA: No, Marge, I insist. You’re always buying us things.

  MARGE: I enjoy it. I like buying presents.

  DIANA: [producing her purse] How much?

  MARGE: I won’t take it, put it away.

  DIANA: How much was it?

  MARGE: Diana, will you put that purse away this minute.

  DIANA: No, I’m sorry, Marge, I’m going to pay you.

  MARGE: Diana, will you put that away this minute. Evelyn, tell her to put it away…

  [EVELYN, during this, has moved to the door and is on the point of going out]

  DIANA: [noticing her] You all right, dear?

  EVELYN: Fine.

  DIANA: Where are you off to then?

  EVELYN: To the lavatory.

  DIANA: Oh. I see. Beg your pardon.

  [EVELYN goes out]

  [selecting coins from her purse] Twenty p. There you are. I don’t know how much it was but there you are.

  MARGE: Oh, really. [She leaves the money on the table]

  DIANA: Am I glad to see you.

  MARGE: Why’s that?

  DIANA: She’s been here for ages.

  MARGE: Who do you mean – oh, yes. Miss Chatterbox.

  DIANA: I know she’s been up to something. I don’t trust her. I never did.

  MARGE: I must show you my shoes. [Starts to unpack them] How do you mean?

  DIANA: I know that girl’s been up to something.

  MARGE: Oh, you mean with…?

  DIANA: She and Paul. I know they have.

  MARGE: Well… [Producing a pair of very unsuitable shoes] There, you see. Aren’t they nice?

  DIANA: Lovely.

  MARGE: They had them in blue which was nicer, actually. But then I had nothing else that would have gone with them.

  DIANA: He didn’t want them to come round here today. That’s how I know they’re up to something.

  MARGE: Who?

  DIANA: Evelyn and John. He didn’t want them round.

  MARGE: Who? Paul didn’t?

  DIANA: No.

  MARGE: [parading around in her shoes] Look, you see…these tights aren’t right with them but…

  DIANA: I mean, why should he suddenly not want them round? They’ve been round here enough in the past and then all of a sudden he doesn’t want to see them.

  MARGE: Odd. There was another sort, you know, with the strap but I found they cut me across here.

  DIANA: They suit you.

  MARGE: Yes, I’m very pleased.

  DIANA: I tried to get her to say something.

  MARGE: Evelyn?

  DIANA: Just now.

  MARGE: Oh. Did she?

  DIANA: No. She’s not saying anything. Why should she? I know Paul, you see. I know he’s with someone. I’m sure it’s her. He came home, went straight upstairs and washed his shirt through the other night. I said, what’s got into you? He said, well, what’s wrong with me washing my shirt? I said, you’ve never washed anything in your life. He said, well, we all have to start some time. I said, lovely, but why do you want to start doing it in the middle of the night. And he had no answer to that at all. Nothing. He just stood there with it dripping all over the floor.

  MARGE: Well…

  DIANA: After twelve years, you get to know someone.

  MARGE: I wonder if these will go with that other coat.

  DIANA: What’s she doing up there?

  MARGE: Well, she’s…

  DIANA: I bet she’s having a really good snoop around.

  MARGE: Oh, Di…

  DIANA: I bet that’s what she’s up to. I’ve never trusted her an inch. She’s got one of those really mean little faces, hasn’t she?

  MARGE: Well…

  DIANA: I bet it was her that went off with my scarf, you know.

  MARGE: I shouldn’t think so. Why don’t you talk it over with Paul?

  DIANA: Paul? We haven’t talked for years. Not really. Now he’s had his own way and sent the children off to school, there’s even less to talk about. I don’t know why he wanted them at boarding school. They’re neither of them happy. I know they’re not. You should see the letters they write.

  MARGE: I don’t know what to say… [to pram] Poogy, poogy. Hallo, Walter.

  DIANA: Wayne.

  MARGE: Hallo.

  DIANA: Don’t for God’s sake wake him up. He’s been bawling his head off half the afternoon. I don’t think she feeds him properly.

  MARGE: He looks nice and chubby.

  DIANA: It doesn’t look all there to me.

  MARGE: Di!

  DIANA: No, truthfully, you look at its eyes.

  MARGE: He’s asleep.

  DIANA: Well, you look at them when it wakes up. Don’t tell me that’s normal. I mean, our Mar
k’s were never like that. Nor were Julie’s. And she’s had to wear glasses.

  MARGE: She looks lovely in her little glasses.

  DIANA: Paul doesn’t think so. He won’t let her wear them when she’s at home.

  MARGE: Well, I think he’s a lovely baby. I was on at Gordon again the other day about adopting one.

  DIANA: What did he say?

  MARGE: Still no. He won’t hear of it. He’s frightened of it, I think. He keeps saying to me, it’s not like a dog, Marge. We can’t get rid of it if we don’t like it and I say, we will like it, we’ll grow to like it and then he says, well what happens if we adopt one and then it grows up to be a murderer? Then what do we do? They’ll blame us.

  DIANA: It’s not very likely.

  MARGE: Try convincing him. No, he’s just going to keep on going with his tests… till the cows come home. That reminds me, I must ring him up. I said I would as soon as I got here. See if he’s coping. Do you mind?

  DIANA: No, go ahead.

  MARGE: He’s got the phone by his bed.

  [MARGE starts to dial]

  [EVELYN returns]

  DIANA: Find everything?

  EVELYN: Fine. [She checks the baby with a glance then sits and starts to read a magazine]

  DIANA: Marge is just phoning her husband.

  EVELYN: Oh.

  MARGE: [as she stands waiting for an answer, indicating her shoes] Do you like these, Evelyn?

  EVELYN: Fantastic.

  MARGE: [into phone] Hallo… Jumjums? It’s Margie, darling. How are you feeling… oh… oh. Well listen, Jumjums, can you manage to get across to the chest of drawers, sweetie? … by the window, yes… you’ll find them in the top drawer… that’s right, darling… can you manage that all right on your own… right [Pause. To them] He wants the nose drops, he’s all bunged up, poor love… [She stands listening]

  DIANA: [to EVELYN] What are you chewing, dear?

  EVELYN: Gum.

  DIANA: Oh.

  EVELYN: Want a bit?

  DIANA: No thanks. We’ll be having our tea soon.

  MARGE: [into phone] Oh, darling… you must be careful, Jumjums… yes, I know it shouldn’t be there… never mind, well rub it, rub it better. [Covering the phone, to the others] Banged his leg… [into phone] All right? I’ll be here if you want me. You know the number. I’ll be home soon… yes… yes, I will. I’ll phone you later. Bye bye, Jumjums, bye bye, darling. Bye. [Pause] Bye bye. [Pause] Bye. [Rings off] Honestly, I don’t know what I want children for, living with Gordon. I get through first aid tins like loaves of bread.

  DIANA: He’s very unlucky, isn’t he?

  MARGE: Oh, he is. He’s so big, you see. I think that’s one of his troubles. Being so big. Nothing’s really made his size. He bangs his head on buses. He can’t sit down in the cinema and he has trouble getting into his trousers. It’s a terrible problem. Sixteen stone eight.

  DIANA: Yes, that is big.

  MARGE: It is, it’s very big. His face is small but then he’s got quite a small head. It’s the rest of him. Somebody the other day said he looked like a polythene bag full of water. [She laughs]

  [DIANA laughs]

  Oh, dear, you have to laugh.

  DIANA: Poor Gordon. It’s not fair.

  MARGE: He’s all right. Bless him. Keeps me out of mischief.

  [They laugh]

  [A silence. They look at EVELYN who chews on, reading]

  DIANA: [with a look at MARGE] Enjoying that, are you?

  EVELYN: It’s all right…

  MARGE: Oh. I’ve still got these on. [She starts to change her shoes]

  DIANA: Be funny seeing Colin again. Three years.

  MARGE: I only knew him slightly. He was Gordon’s friend really.

  DIANA: Yes. It’s a pity he’ll miss Colin.

  MARGE: What exactly happened to this fiancée of his? Did she just die?

  DIANA: Drowned.

  MARGE: Drowned, oh…

  DIANA: In the sea.

  MARGE: Oh.

  [Throughout the following MARGE follows DIANA’s lips carefully echoing the odd word in agreement]

  DIANA: We knew him very well, you know. He and Paul were inseparable. And then Colin’s job moved him away and he used to write to us occasionally and then he wrote and said he’d met this Carol girl and that they were going to get married – which was a great surprise to us because we always said he’d never let anything get that far and then the next thing we heard, she’d drowned. So I said to Paul, we’d better invite him over. I mean, we’re still his friends. I doubt if he’s got any where he is now because it takes him ages to get to know people and then I thought, well, it might be awkward, embarrassing knowing what to say to him, just Paul and me and since he knew Gordon and you slightly and John – he doesn’t know Evelyn of course – I thought it would be nice if we just had a little tea party for him. He’ll need his friends.

  MARGE: Well, you know me, I’m bound to say the wrong thing so shut me up or I’ll put my foot in it. Was she young?

  DIANA: Who?

  MARGE: His fiancée.

  DIANA: Carol? About his age, I think.

  MARGE: Oh. Tragic.

  DIANA: Yes. [Aware of EVELYN again] What are you reading, dear?

  EVELYN: Nothing.

  DIANA: No, what is it?

  EVELYN: [wearily turning back a page and reading flatly] Your happiness is keeping that man in your life happy. Twelve tips by a woman psychiatrist.

  DIANA: Oh.

  MARGE: We can all learn from that.

  EVELYN: [reading on remorselessly] Tip number one: send him off in the morning with a smile. How many of us first thing just don’t bother to make that little extra effort. Have you ever graced the breakfast table without a comb through your hair? Go on, admit it, of course you have. You’re only human. Or not done that little extra something to take the shine off your early morning nose. No wonder he escapes behind his paper…

  DIANA: I must read that.

  EVELYN: [unstoppable] Go on, live a little and give him the surprise of his life.

  DIANA: Yes, that’s lovely, Evelyn…

  EVELYN: Make yourself into his news of the day. You’ll live with him till the evening. Tip number two: go on, pamper yourself with a full beauty treatment.

  DIANA: Yes, thank you, Evelyn.

  EVELYN: What?

  DIANA: That’s lovely. I’ll read it later.

  MARGE: We can all learn something from that.

  EVELYN: I’m not doing that for my bloody husband. He can stuff it.

  [Pause]

  MARGE: I’d hate to drown. [Pause] I don’t mind anything else. Poison, hanging, shooting – that’s never worried me but I’d hate to drown. You look so awful afterwards.

  DIANA: Now, we mustn’t get morbid. We’re here to cheer Colin up when he comes. I know this all happened two months ago now but he’s bound to be a bit down. We mustn’t let him dwell on it.

  MARGE: No. You’re quite right.

  [A silence. PAUL enters. He has on his track suit bottoms and a sweater. He has obviously been taking exercise]

  PAUL: [as he comes in] Have you seen my shoes anywhere…? [Breaking off as he sees that they have company] Oh, hallo there.

  MARGE: Hallo, Paul.

  EVELYN: [barely glancing up] ’Llo.

  PAUL: Mothers’ Meeting is it? How are you, Marge?

  MARGE: Very well, thank you.

  PAUL: How about you, Evelyn?

  EVELYN: Eh?

  PAUL: Keeping fit?

  EVELYN: Yes.

  PAUL: [looking into pram] What’s in here then? Tomorrow’s dinner?

  EVELYN: No.