Three Plays

by Alan Ayckbourn

  EVELYN: You nicked my Uncle’s screwdriver.

  JOHN: I did not.

  EVELYN: He saw you taking it. He said if he comes round here again, I’ll break his neck.

  JOHN: You never invited me for tea.

  EVELYN: You never sat down for long enough.

  DIANA: Now then. More tea?

  COLIN: Please.

  PAUL: [laughing suddenly] You know something, Col?

  COLIN: What?

  PAUL: I’ve just remembered. I’ve still got that table napkin of hers, you know.

  COLIN: Have you really?

  PAUL: Yes. I use it to clean the car with.

  [DIANA picks up the cream jug and pours it slowly over PAUL’s head. PAUL sits for a moment, stunned]

  [leaping up] Hey! What are you doing, woman?

  MARGE: Di –!

  COLIN: Hey, hey!

  JOHN: Oy!

  DIANA: Oh, I’m so sorry.

  PAUL: [outraged] What are you doing?

  DIANA: I am so sorry.

  PAUL: You poured that all over me. She poured that over me.

  MARGE: I’ll get a cloth.

  PAUL: No, I can’t use a cloth. I’ll have to wash it out.

  MARGE: Not for you. For the chair.

  [MARGE goes out to the kitchen]

  PAUL: Bloody woman’s off her head. She poured it all over me.

  [PAUL stamps off upstairs]

  DIANA: Accidents will happen.

  COLIN: Well… [He laughs awkwardly]

  DIANA: I’m sorry, Colin. You were saying?

  COLIN: Was I?

  DIANA: You’ll have to excuse my husband, Colin, he’s changed over the years… Now then, tea for you, John?

  JOHN: Er – thank you.

  DIANA: Pass your cup. Evelyn?

  EVELYN: No.

  DIANA: Thank you.

  EVELYN: Thank you.

  COLIN: Well, I daresay we’ve all changed in some ways.

  DIANA: Possibly. Some more than most.

  [MARGE returns with a cloth, bowl of water and paper towels]

  MARGE: Would it be all right to use this for it, Di? [indicates cloth]

  DIANA: Just as you like.

  MARGE: Look, paper towels. Very useful. [Examining the damage] Oh, it’s not too bad.

  [MARGE sets to work. DIANA hands COLIN his tea. Then JOHN]

  DIANA: Is that strong enough for you, Colin?

  COLIN: Oh, that’s lovely, Di. That’s perfect. Perfect. [Laughing] Just the way Carol used to make it.

  DIANA: You can’t say fairer than that, can you.

  COLIN: Listen Di…

  DIAN: John…

  [Slight pause]

  COLIN: Listen, Di… Just now, I think what Paul said just now – it may have sounded to you a bit – er – well – I think, actually, I understand what he was feeling. I know what was going through his mind. I embarrassed him with that story – I shouldn’t have told it and – er – well, Paul, basically – here I go again. I told you I’m a Paul expert…

  DIANA: So am I, Colin. So am I.

  COLIN: Yes, right, point taken, surely. But… you see, Paul is really a very romantic man. He’s soft. I’ve known him a long time – oh, he’ll give you that old gruff bit – and the “I don’t care what anyone thinks” bit – but honestly, Di, you know yourself, he’s ashamed of his own nature, you see. Somewhere, he’s got this idea that if he shows any sort of gentleness to people they’ll think he’s soft. And of course, that’s what’s made him the success he is today. Let’s face it. Because he’s managed to cover it up. And I think that in some ways you’d be the first to say thank heavens he has. I mean. You’ve got this marvellous house, full of lovely things, you’ve got two fine children and – well, let’s be fair, you’ve got just about everything a human being could ask for. And it’s a very very sad fact of life that you don’t get any of that through being soft. That’s why people like me, John, Gordon, we’re never going to get in the same bracket as Paul. Never. No, Di, I’m afraid the only thing left for you is to love him for what he is. Right, John?

  JOHN: Right. Right.

  COLIN: Marge?

  MARGE: [not quite convinced] Yes…

  [Pause]

  EVELYN: Do you happen to write for these magazines by any chance?

  COLIN: Eh?

  [Pause. MARGE finishes her task]

  MARGE: I think that’s done it. Shall I do over the rest while I’m here, Di? [She laughs]

  [MARGE goes out]

  JOHN: You pleased with that car of yours?

  COLIN: Yes. Yes, it gets me about.

  JOHN: I’ve always fancied the look of those. The only thing that worries me about it is, is it slightly under-powered?

  EVELYN: I bet it’s got a carpet that fits.

  COLIN: No, it seems to be okay. It’s not a racer – but –

  JOHN: No, no, quite. I think I’ll consider getting one sometime.

  EVELYN: A cheap one with no wheels.

  JOHN: Oh, lay off, Evelyn. There’s a good girl. I spend my days slaving for her – slaving…

  [MARGE returns]

  MARGE: There we are. All done. I think I’ve earned a spot more tea, haven’t I, Di?

  [DIANA is in a trance of her own]

  Di?

  DIANA: It’s all yours.

  MARGE: Oh, righto.

  [MARGE pours herself a cup of tea and sits in silence]

  DIANA: [quietly at first] When I was a little girl, you know, my sister Barbara was very jealous of me because Mother bought me this coat for my birthday…

  MARGE: Oh, really?

  DIANA: I’d seen it in the window of this shop when I walked to school. It was red with one of those little collars and then trimmed round the neck and the sleeves. I used to pass it every day. They’d put it on this window dummy. A little child dummy. It was a really pretty dummy. Not like some of them. A proper face. It had very very blue eyes and sort of ash coloured hair, quite short and it was standing in the middle of this sort of false grass. I wanted that coat so much. And Barbara used to say, you’ll never get Mother to buy you that. But I did. And on my birthday, I put it on and I felt, oh, so happy you can’t imagine. And then we were all going for a walk and we were just going out and I happened to catch sight of myself full length in the mirror in the hall. And I looked like nothing on earth in it. I looked terrible.

  MARGE: Oh dear.

  COLIN: What a shame.

  DIANA: Yes, it was. I wanted a red one especially. Because I had this burning ambition, you see, to join the Canadian Royal Mounted Police.

  MARGE: Good gracious…

  DIANA: People used to say “You can’t join the Mounted Police. You’re a little girl. Little girls don’t join the Mounted Police. Little girls do nice things like typing and knitting and nursing and having babies.” So I married Paul instead. Because they refused to let me join the Mounted Police. I married him because he kept asking me. And because people kept saying that it would be a much nicer thing to do than… and so I did. And I learnt my typing and I had my babies and I looked after them for as long as they’d let me and then suddenly I realised I’d been doing all the wrong things. They’d been wrong telling me to marry Paul and have babies, if they’re not even going to let you keep them, and I should have joined the Mounted Police, that’s what I should have done. I know I should have joined the Mounted Police. [Starting to sob] I want to join the Mounted Police. Please… [She starts to sob louder and louder till they become a series of short staccato screams]

  MARGE: John, for heaven’s sake. Get Paul down here.

  JOHN: Paul. Yes, I’ll get Paul…

  [JOHN goes to the stairs and out. EVELYN has risen and is studying DIANA with curiosity]

  EVELYN: What’s the matter with her?

  MARGE: Get out of my way. [Shaking DIANA] Di – Di – Di…

  [PAUL comes back with JOHN behind him. PAUL’s hair is still wet from washing it]

  PAUL: What’s wrong? What’s the matter w
ith her?

  MARGE: She’s not well, Paul. You’ll have to get a doctor.

  PAUL: Di – Di, come on now…

  JOHN: Shall I get her some water?

  PAUL: No, we’ll get her up to bed. We’ll get a doctor. Give me a hand, John.

  JOHN: Right.

  MARGE: I’ll get a cold cloth. That’ll help.

  [MARGE runs out to kitchen]

  [JOHN and PAUL try to lift DIANA by each arm]

  DIANA: [fighting PAUL away] Get away from me…

  PAUL: Now, Di…

  DIANA: Get away!

  COLIN: [who has retreated in horror to the far corner of the room, ineffectually] Can I…?

  EVELYN: I’ll do it. Here.

  [She takes hold of DIANA’s arm, the one that PAUL has relinquished. JOHN still has hold of the other arm]

  DIANA: [thrusting EVELYN away with some violence] Get away from me, you bitch…

  [MARGE returns with a flannel]

  JOHN: It’s no good. She won’t let anybody – [Struggling with her] – help her.

  MARGE: Here, hold this. [She thrusts the flannel into COLIN’s hand]

  COLIN: Wah!

  MARGE: Come along, out of the way.

  JOHN: We could try slapping her face.

  MARGE: No, we couldn’t. How would you like your face slapped? Don’t be silly. Come along, Di, that’s it…

  [MARGE and JOHN between them start to steer DIANA to he door]

  COLIN: Can I be of any…?

  MARGE: It’s all right, Colin, sit down. Easy with her, John, that’s it… I’ll phone the doctor from upstairs, Paul.

  PAUL: Right.

  MARGE: You’re still with Harris, aren’t you?

  PAUL: Yes.

  MARGE: Come along, John. She needs support. Support her.

  JOHN: I’m trying to support her. She’s bloody heavy.

  [JOHN, DIANA and MARGE go out. A silence. The men stand awkwardly. EVELYN sits and picks her nails]

  PAUL: What started that?

  COLIN: I don’t really know. She just started talking about the Mounted Police.

  PAUL: The what?

  COLIN: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. She seemed to want to join them.

  PAUL: [shaking his head] Well… [He sits]

  COLIN: There’s something very wrong there, Paul. Very wrong indeed.

  [MARGE returns busily]

  PAUL: Can you manage?

  MARGE: It’s all right. She’s just been a little bit ill on the stairs. Nothing serious. Evelyn.

  EVELYN: What?

  MARGE: Paper towels. In the kitchen. Come on, this is partly your fault. You get them and clean it up.

  [MARGE goes out]

  [EVELYN clicks her tongue and goes off into the kitchen]

  COLIN: Have you had this trouble before, Paul?

  PAUL: Not quite like this.

  COLIN: Worrying.

  PAUL: Right.

  COLIN: I think you should go up with her, you know. She probably needs you.

  PAUL: Oh come on, Colin…

  COLIN: What?

  PAUL: You heard her. She doesn’t want me within twenty yards of her.

  COLIN: Oh yes, but that was… she was hysterical. I mean –

  PAUL: I’m the last person.

  [EVELYN enters from the kitchen clutching a handful of paper towels]

  EVELYN: This is a right cheery afternoon this is. His lordship’s bawling his head off out there as well…

  [She goes off to the hall]

  COLIN: I remember when Carol had flu. She wouldn’t let go of my hand. Except to turn over. I sat with her for two nights in a row. But then I think the thing with Carol and me was –

  PAUL: Col.

  COLIN: Yes?

  PAUL: Do me a favour. Just shut up for one minute about Carol, would you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but – not just at the moment…

  COLIN: Oh, I’m sorry. I was – just thinking it – might help, you know.

  PAUL: No, Colin. Really and truly, I don’t honestly think it does. I mean, you and Carol were – something quite different, weren’t you?

  COLIN: Yes, I realise that, yes. [He thinks for a moment] All the same, you’re wrong, you know.

  PAUL: How come?

  COLIN: Di didn’t mean that. That she didn’t want you near her.

  PAUL: She convinced me.

  COLIN: [laughing] No, no I’m sorry, Paul, you’re not fooling anyone, you know. Neither’s Di. Remember me? I’m the one that used to sit and talk to her for days and nights on end in the old days. Do you know what we talked about, constantly and incessantly?

  PAUL: [wearily] Go on, amaze me…

  COLIN: You. All you. I mean, at one time, when she used to ask me round a lot, I used to think. Hallo, I’m on to a good thing here. Can’t be bad. Must mean something. And we’d sit down all evening, in her front room, drink coffee and talk about you all the time. Well, after a bit, I began to get the message. It wasn’t me she was after at all. You… Only you were out with her sister Barbara. No, you’re number one in Di’s book, Paul. Always have been. I don’t think you realise quite what a pedestal that woman has set you upon. She’d follow you to the ends of the earth, you know.

  PAUL: She probably would at that.

  COLIN: I hope you realise what you’ve got there?

  PAUL: I do, I do.

  COLIN: Stick with it, Paul, old mate.

  PAUL: Thank you, Colin. Thank you very much.

  COLIN: I know you will. I know you. [Pause] You know something? The one regret I’ll always have? That Carol and I – our relationship – can never develop now into the sort of relationship you and Di must have…

  PAUL: Oh, Colin…

  COLIN: Never mind. Too late now. You feeling a bit brighter?

  PAUL: Oh Colin, what are we going to do with you?

  COLIN: Me? [He laughs] That’s the last thing to worry about. Mind you, I’m glad I came round this afternoon. I don’t know how you lot ever managed without me, eh? [COLIN laughs. PAUL laughs. COLIN stops laughing. PAUL continues. It’s hysterical, almost manic, uncontrollable laughter. COLIN becomes concerned. EVELYN enters. She stares at PAUL]

  EVELYN: Oh. I’m going to fetch Wayne in. It’s raining…

  [EVELYN goes out through the kitchen]

  [PAUL finally stops laughing]

  PAUL: I’m sorry, Col… sorry…

  COLIN: All right?

  PAUL: Yes, yes…

  [JOHN enters]

  JOHN: Right. Marge gave her one of her sleeping pills. If that doesn’t get her to sleep, she says she’ll phone the doctor.

  PAUL: Thanks.

  JOHN: Not at all, not at all. [Looking around] Has she gone home?

  PAUL: No, she’s with the baby.

  JOHN: Ah. Sorry about that, Col old mate.

  COLIN: Oh –

  JOHN: Doesn’t happen every day.

  COLIN: I hope not.

  JOHN: You must come to our house next time. Absolute peace. Neither of us ever says a word to each other. That’s the secret of a successful union. Marry a strong silent woman like Evelyn… [He shadow-boxes] Bam – bam… [At the table] Isn’t anyone going to finish these?

  PAUL: Help yourself.

  [JOHN munches a sandwich]

  COLIN: I must be off soon, Paul. Don’t want to be in the way, you know.

  [PAUL, brooding, makes no reply]

  JOHN: [munching] The good thing about Evelyn – and she has her good side, although she is most careful to hide it from strangers – is that she has absolutely no sense of humour. Which is very useful since it means you never have to waste your time trying to cheer her up. Because she’s permanently unhappy. Misery is her natural state. We are also fortunate in being blessed with a very miserable boy. In fact, apart from me, we are the most miserable family you are ever likely to meet and I’m working on me. Am I keeping you awake?

  PAUL: Sit down.

  JOHN: [sitting] What do you think about that deal? Worth a try.<
br />
  PAUL: I don’t know.

  JOHN: A hundred and twenty five percent. Worth a try.

  PAUL: I’ll think about it.