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Three Plays

Page 25

by Alan Ayckbourn


  NICK: [yelling] I can’t get up! For the last time, I can’t get up! You idiot.

  TREVOR: Sorry.

  [The phone rings in DELIA’s bedroom]

  DELIA: [answering] Hallo.

  TREVOR: Hallo, Mum. It’s Trevor again.

  DELIA: Trevor. Oh – you want Susannah. She’s just gone. Hold on, I’ll see if I can catch her… [running to the door and shouting] Susannah! Susannah!

  SUSANNAH: [very distant] Yes.

  DELIA: Telephone. [DELIA hurries back to the phone] She is just coming, Trevor. You just caught her.

  [JAN enters and starts to mop up NICK, slipping off his pyjama jacket and pulling the sheet sideways from under him so that he no longer lies on the damp patch]

  [Meanwhile at DELIA’s, ERNEST enters hurriedly]

  ERNEST: All right, all right, I’m coming. Who is it?

  DELIA: No, darling, not for you. For Susannah.

  ERNEST: Oh my God.

  [SUSANNAH bursts past ERNEST]

  SUSANNAH: Excuse me.

  DELIA: Trevor again for you, dear.

  SUSANNAH: [taking the phone] Hallo, Trevor. I was just leaving.

  TREVOR: Look, Suse, I was just thinking. I think I’d better just clear things up first.

  SUSANNAH: How do you mean?

  TREVOR: Well, I was thinking – Malcolm and Kate. I mean, we ruined their party last night.

  SUSANNAH: Yes, I know.

  TREVOR: Well. They’re good friends. I don’t want them to think – well – that I’m not sorry. I think I have to go round and see them.

  SUSANNAH: It’s a bit early, isn’t it?

  TREVOR: Oh no, Malcolm’s always up at the crack of dawn. He won’t mind, don’t worry. Anyway. So could you meet me there? Then we could drive home.

  SUSANNAH: All right. Malcolm and Kate’s.

  TREVOR: O.K. See you then.

  SUSANNAH: Right. Bye.

  [They hang up]

  Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye, Ernest.

  ERNEST: Goodbye.

  [SUSANNAH rushes out]

  [ERNEST sits on the bed]

  TREVOR: Well. See you then.

  JAN: Yes.

  TREVOR: Bye, Nick. Bye.

  [TREVOR goes out]

  JAN: Right. You comfortable now?

  [NICK utters a low moan]

  [Fade out on NICK and JAN]

  ERNEST: I’m sorry. I am firmly of the opinion that that girl is completely potty. Not only potty but dangerously potty.

  DELIA: No, she’s not really. She’s quite sweet. Very, very, very dim – but quite sweet-natured.

  ERNEST: Am I to be allowed back into my own bed?

  DELIA: Yes, it’s all yours.

  ERNEST: You haven’t got any more people dropping in?

  DELIA: Not as far as I know.

  [They get into bed]

  ERNEST: Well, once I’m in, I’m not getting out again.

  DELIA: Not if you don’t want to.

  ERNEST: And I’ll tell you something else. If you want your morning tea…

  DELIA: Yes?

  ERNEST: You’re going to have to whistle for it.

  [Cross fade to NICK and JAN’s]

  [NICK moans]

  JAN: What is it?

  NICK: [feverishly] Jan – promise me. Don’t let him back in here again. Please don’t let him back in here again. Never let that man back in here again.

  JAN: [concerned] All right, darling, all right. I won’t… [she strokes his brow]

  NICK: Please, promise me.

  JAN: [soothingly] Yes, yes.

  [Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s]

  [KATE under the bedclothes]

  [MALCOLM still asleep on the floor]

  [The front door bell rings]

  [It rings again]

  KATE: Mmmmm…..

  MALCOLM: [wakening] Uh. Oooh…

  KATE: Malcolm.

  MALCOLM: Oooh.

  KATE: [emerging] Malcolm? What are you doing?

  MALCOLM: I must have fallen asleep.

  KATE: Was that a bell?

  MALCOLM: Was it?

  [Doorbell rings]

  KATE: Front door.

  MALCOLM: All right, I’ll go… [he tries to get up] Har… I’ve got cramp. Cramp – cramp – cramp.

  KATE: Right. Don’t worry… [she slips out of bed still in her dressing gown] I’ll go. Walk around a bit.

  MALCOLM: Walk around a bit.

  [KATE goes downstairs]

  [MALCOLM manages to stand]

  [His head lists over to one side]

  [He seems unable to straighten it]

  [The arm on which he has slept hangs uselessly. One of his legs seems reluctant to support him]

  [KATE returns cautiously]

  KATE: Malcolm.

  MALCOLM: Uh?

  KATE: Malcolm, it’s Trevor.

  MALCOLM: Who?

  KATE: Trevor.

  MALCOLM: Trevor.

  [TREVOR enters]

  TREVOR: Hallo, Malcolm mate. Oh, you’re dressed. I’m glad I didn’t get you up.

  MALCOLM: [bemused] What are you doing here?

  TREVOR: Malcolm – Kate, look. Look –

  MALCOLM: What is he doing here?

  TREVOR: I’ve come to say sorry.

  MALCOLM: What are you doing here?

  TREVOR: I realise that last night… unforgivable. I… sorry. Sue and I, we’re very, well, you know –

  MALCOLM: Ah.

  KATE: Thank you, Trevor.

  TREVOR: So.

  MALCOLM: Yes. Cheerio then.

  TREVOR: Yes.

  [A pause]

  KATE: [moving to the door] Well…

  TREVOR: – er – do you think I could just hang on for a couple of seconds? I arranged to meet Susannah here, you see.

  MALCOLM: Here?

  TREVOR: Yes.

  MALCOLM: Ah.

  KATE: Malcolm, would you like a bath?

  MALCOLM: Bath?

  KATE: It’ll loosen you up. You look very tense.

  MALCOLM: All right. Yes. All right.

  KATE: I’ll run it for you.

  MALCOLM: No. I’ll do it. I’ll do it. You keep an eye on him.

  KATE: All right.

  [MALCOLM limps lopsidedly out ]

  Well…

  TREVOR: We’re really genuinely sorry, Kate. We’re both going to try to…

  KATE: Yes…

  TREVOR: If we possibly can.

  KATE: Yes.

  [An awkward pause]

  Look what Malcolm made last night. [she indicates the masterpiece]

  TREVOR: Ah yes.

  KATE: Out of a kit. He had a bit of trouble with it. It’s got to be sanded yet.

  TREVOR: Yes.

  KATE: You can see it’s a bit down at one end.

  TREVOR: Ah yes.

  KATE: And the drawers are a bit stiff. But he’s going to ease those.

  [They survey it ]

  TREVOR: You could maybe just – get it more even if you did this with it… like this.

  [He takes the top and tries to bend it to one side. The top comes away in his hand. Unsupported, the entire thing drops to pieces]

  Ah.

  KATE: [appalled] Oh no. Oh no.

  MALCOLM: [off] What’s going on.

  KATE: Nothing, dear, nothing. Have your bath. Oh Trevor, what have you done?

  TREVOR: Sorry.

  [The doorbell rings ]

  I could maybe get it together again for you. It doesn’t look as if…

  KATE: No, don’t touch it, Trevor. Don’t touch it at all. I’ll just tell him it – suddenly collapsed. Wait there.

  [She goes]

  [TREVOR examines the wreckage]

  [KATE returns with SUSANNAH]

  Here she is.

  SUSANNAH: [shyly] Hallo.

  TREVOR: Hallo.

  KATE: [aware of being in the way] I’ll just see if Malcolm’s managing.

  [KATE goes]

  TREVOR: Look, Suse… this may not wo
rk but… I’m going to try, you know. I’m really going to try.

  SUSANNAH: Well. I’m going to try. That’s all we can do really.

  TREVOR: You see, I think if we could just –

  SUSANNAH: Communicate –

  TREVOR: Yes –

  SUSANNAH: Yes. [she sits on the bed]

  TREVOR: [sitting next to her] Well, we’re on the bed again.

  SUSANNAH: [embarrassed] Yes. It’s a start.

  TREVOR: Yes. I’ll try not to rush you, Suse. I think I really rushed you.

  SUSANNAH: Well. Maybe a bit.

  TREVOR: My fault.

  SUSANNAH: No, my fault.

  [He strokes her hair awkwardly]

  [She clings to him]

  TREVOR: You cold? You’re shivering.

  SUSANNAH: A little bit. Tired, I think…

  TREVOR: [drawing the blanket round her] Well, I think we both are. Been a busy night.

  SUSANNAH: Yes. [she kicks off her shoes and tucks up by him] We shouldn’t do this.

  TREVOR: Just for a second. He’s having a bath.

  SUSANNAH: [content] Mmm. This is nice, [she slides her feet down under the covers] Ow.

  TREVOR: What?

  SUSANNAH: Something in the bed. [she produces a saucepan] What’s this doing in here?

  TREVOR: I don’t know.

  SUSANNAH: They have all sorts of things in their bed. I found boots in the pillowcase.

  TREVOR: [knowingly] Ah well. People get up to strange things, you know. Some people…

  SUSANNAH: Yes.

  [TREVOR cuddles up to her]

  [She holds his head in her arms]

  SUSANNAH: I’ve been thinking. We must do something about our house. I think that’s important. I want to start trying to make it more of a home. I – haven’t been very good at that. I mean, somewhere nice… then you’ll want to come home all the more, won’t you? And I’ll try and cook. I mean, really cook… and make sure you have some clean clothes in the morning and… well. You know what I mean, don’t you? Trevor? Trevor…?

  [TREVOR is asleep ]

  [alone] Oh… I am confident in myself. I have confidence in myself. I am not unattractive. I am attractive. People still find me attractive…

  [Lights fade slowly during this]

  CURTAIN

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  Version 1.0

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  Published by Vintage 2010

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  Copyright © Alan Ayckbourn 1977

  Alan Ayckbourn has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

  First published in Great Britain by Chatto & Windus 1977

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