Dating Disasters of Emma Nash
Page 11
“What did he say?”
“That he didn’t think we were ‘official’ yet, so he thought it would be fine. Which I suppose is true. But I think if you like someone enough, you just don’t get with someone else.”
She looked down at her phone in horror.
“Oh my God, he’s outside.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:57 P.M.
Steph came back in.
“He’s gone now.”
“What happened?!”
“He was all upset and asking me to be ‘official’ now, and I said no.”
“Good!”
“Eventually he got me to agree to think about it. But all the time he kept running his hands through his hair, and I re-noticed what a small head he has and knew that it was over.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:53 P.M.
Still thinking about what happened with Jonno and Steph. Why does she always go for the Jonnos of the world?? (The boys who are nice-looking but not very nice.)
It sort of made me want to start up my internet mission again, but then I remembered my date with Paolo and the “maybe you weren’t drunk enough” message.
TUESDAY, 23 SEPTEMBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:17 A.M.
I’m Sad to Say, Steph Has Joined My Ranks
I looked over at Steph just as she was stalking the girl that Jonno got with, and I felt a stab of anger. She should not be thinking about this girl. She should not be comparing herself to her, wondering whether she’s funnier or smarter...
“Steph, stop this,” I said.
“You were on Anna’s profile about five minutes ago.”
“Yes, well... You’re better than that.”
“No I’m not.”
“You are. You’re strong.”
“Tell you what. I’ll stop, when you hide Anna AND Leon from your feed.”
We both know that’s definitely never going to happen as I don’t have the strength, willpower or self-respect and on some level seem to actually enjoy torturing myself. But I don’t want Steph to become like me.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:53 P.M.
Lunchtime Motivation
“How’s your double life going, Emma?” asked Faith.
“Huh?”
“How did it go with the Italian boy?”
“Oh. Er. It...went.”
“That means it went badly,” said Gracie.
“Thanks for translating. Yes, it went badly.”
“Why?”
“Well, I got a message from him saying that maybe I needed to drink more.”
“Nooooo!!!”
Told Faith and Gracie all about the evening and how flat it was (and loyal Steph, who had to hear the story for the millionth time but politely feigned an unwavering interest). I actually feel a lot better.
Faith said, “It sounds like he’s the boring one.”
“I think some boys never admit to themselves that it might be their fault in any way. Or just...that a girl doesn’t like them. I mean, if a girl isn’t attracted to them, instantly there’s something wrong with her. One time this boy tried to kiss me and I didn’t want to, and he made me feel like I was really uptight,” said Gracie.
“Or they call you a lesbian,” added Steph, “because, of course, if you don’t like them, you must not like any boy.”
“And they say ‘lesbian’ in a derogatory way, like it’s something inferior. Like women turn to other women because they can’t get a guy. Paolo sounds like one of those. I don’t think you want to be wasting your time with him,” said Faith.
“No...I don’t,” I said.
And I really meant it.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:07 P.M.
In Maths
My friends are completely right. In all this, I was so focused on how he perceived me that it’s overtaken how I perceived him. And he didn’t exactly come off well. I know I fibbed about a few things here and there (ability to do sports...age) but nothing that actually had any bearing on my real, core personality. And who doesn’t fib a bit online, anyway?? Mum once told me every single man on this dating website had clicked “average/tall” for their height. Not ONE short guy on the whole site?? I think not.
And OK, so I did feel more confident online...but who doesn’t?! Hidden away behind a screen in the comfort of your own room in your pants is very different to having someone stare right at you across a table.
Reasons the Gig with Paolo Was Just as Much His Fault as Mine
He Was Firing Questions like He Was Alan Sugar.
I felt like I was in an interview or something. That is no way to date... It’s not like you have to learn everything about the person straightaway, surely you just want to see whether you get on?!
Being Judgmental.
When I said something he didn’t like he just made me feel really bad and inferior. Even when I thought my date with Laurence Myer was going terribly, I was still...friendly. You just have to be polite and get on with it.
Suggesting a Gig in the First Place.
It isn’t just me because I’m deaf. No one can have conversations at a gig.
Reasons the Date Was No One’s Fault.
Some people just don’t click. If you hadn’t heard, dating is notoriously difficult.
Conclusion: I DO NOT NEED TO DRINK ALCOHOL TO MAKE MYSELF INTERESTING.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:39 P.M.
Just When You Think You’re OK with Your Mum...
I came in the door, put my bag down and took off my shoes. Then I went to the toilet. As I was coming out, Mum ran out of her room screaming,
“You’re so RUDE, Emma!!! What did I ever do to raise such a rude girl?!”
“I... What?!”
She came up really close to my face.
“I exist, Emma. I EXIST just as much as you do!!”
Then she ran back into her room and slammed the door. I could hear loud sobbing coming from her room. Eventually, I thought I’d better go and see what I’d done, so I crept over to her door and knocked...
“Mum... Mum, it’s me... Can I come in?”
I went in anyway. Mum was sitting on the floor in a little ball.
“Mum, if I’ve done something to upset you, I’m sorry. But could you tell me what it is?”
She sniffled.
“You never say hello to me when you come in. You treat me like I’m not even here.”
Is she serious?
“Are you serious? I’d literally taken my shoes off and gone for a pee.”
“Get out!!! Just GET OUT!!!!”
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Almost 7 and Mum hasn’t emerged from her room. Hmm. Getting a bit hungry. I wonder if...I should make something for dinner?
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher.
I’m DOING it. It will be excellent practice for when I’m a real person and “have friends over for dinner” at my own house
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Which, given what I’m always hearing about “current house prices in London” will probably be never
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:38 P.M.
Bolognese by Disgustingly, Emma
Chop the vegetables.
Put the pasta on.
The pasta will be done and the Bolognese will lag behind somewhat.
The pasta will form a GIANT PASTA LUMP.
Add the Bolognese to the lump.
You think maybe it will taste better than it looks, but no.
I definitely shouldn’t start a food blog.
When I called Mum down for dinner, she came into the kitchen, took one look at the pasta lump and just burst into tears. Is she crying because I did a nice thing? Or at the thought of eating it? Maybe it’s because she’s raised an almost-adult-human who can’t even make pasta; a sad reality for which I d
o blame her entirely.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:37 P.M.
Mum is sitting in the darkness listening to Joy Division. I want to ask her to turn it down as it’s really bumming me out, but I don’t want to get attacked again.
I went into her room.
“Mum, do you want to talk about it?” I said cautiously.
“It’s just...you’re all grown up and it would be nice to have someone solid in my life,” she murmured.
“I know.”
“My best friends can’t even catch their bloody flights to see me.”
“I’m not sure it’s fair to generalize using Heather as an example.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:05 P.M.
I’m feeling motivated to continue with my resolutions tomorrow. This is partly because Steph and Mum are both upset again about relationship stuff. Partly because I’m not going to let someone like Paolo stop me. And a little bit because—confession—I actually thought, or hoped, or something...in some small, irrational part of my brain, that tweeting about cooking alone might make Leon come over again. Like he did last time. But he didn’t. Obviously. What did I think, he was going to say, “Hey, sorry about the last three months, let me help you chop some leeks”?? We’re not there anymore and it’s time to move on.
Tomorrow, I will venture once more into the dark recesses of the interweb to do just that.
WEDNESDAY, 24 SEPTEMBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:34 A.M.
Experiment 3: Back to It—Because I Am Beyoncé
Right. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day. Today, I am going to be ENTIRELY MYSELF online.
Or at least a version of myself that is vaguely sustainable in reality.
I am taking a step forward...hmm... What step exactly? What is my next step going to be?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:05 A.M.
Leg Hair Watch
“Emma, why do you keep itching your legs?” Steph asked.
“I’m feeling the prickles.”
“Ew,” said Gracie.
“It’s actually a very important thought experiment, Gracie.”
“Go on,” said Steph.
“So, as you know, at the weekend I decided to grow it.”
“Mm,” she said, like she didn’t really remember at all.
“Because I want to change my attitude towards it. But if I’m going to change my attitude towards said hair, I need to interact with it.”
“You mean, stroke yourself like a weirdo.”
“Every time I brush the hair I naturally shudder, but then really try to put that to one side, and enjoy the feel of it on my hand. Essentially, I’m rejecting my own rejection of leg hair.”
Gracie looked like she might vomit.
“If I were a guy,” I went on, “you’d react like that if I had shaved my legs.”
“Yes,” she said.
“Is that not weird to you?”
“You’re weird to me.”
“So what...you’re just...never going to shave again?” interjected Steph.
“Never.”
“What about when we go on holiday?”
“I will walk proud.”
“What about when you want to lose your virginity?”
“If he minds, then he doesn’t deserve my virginity. I’m very passionate about this, Steph.”
“I give it a week.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:06 P.M.
Faith Withholds Important Information
Me, Faith and Gracie were just on our way to lunch when this boy in the year above ours, Alex Griffin, walked past us and waved at Faith. Gracie and I turned to her in shock.
“You know Alex Griffin?!” I demanded.
“Er...yes.”
“Alex Griffin in the year above us? Attractive Alex Griffin? Alex Griffin who played Hamlet last term?”
“Yes. The very same Alex Griffin.”
“WHAT?! Since when?!”
“Jeez, sorry I have other friends, Emma.”
“No, I mean actually since when.”
“Er, since we were born?”
I digested this news.
“Are you telling me Alex Griffin is one of your ‘family friends’?”
“Yes.”
“And whenever you go to one of your ‘family friends’’ gatherings, they involve Alex Griffin? Alex Griffin is present?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t believe this.”
“I guess I don’t find him as exciting as you do. What with liking women, and having seen him poo himself.”
“Ew,” said Gracie.
“How can you not have mentioned this?!”
“If you suddenly care so much about my family friends’ gatherings, Emma, why don’t you ask me about them next time.”
Really, the depth of some people’s selfishness is astounding.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:41 P.M.
At the lunch table, I carried on waving my bone around and barking.
“So, Faith, what’s he like?”
She rolled her eyes. “Nice.”
“And?”
“Why don’t you speak to him and find out yourself.”
“I’d love to.”
“If I give you his number, will you stop talking about this?”
“Er...yes.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
“Right. Here it is.”
She put it in my phone. We were silent for a moment.
“Can I really just...message him?”
She dropped her head onto the table. “Ughhh. You promised.”
“All right all right. Sorry.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:05 P.M.
Decision Made
Steph always knows exactly what to do:
Steph, can I really just message him out of the blue? 2:49 p.m.
Go forth. Be brave. Be bold. 2:50 p.m.
Also if he doesn’t reply then you can always pretend it was a prank 2:50 p.m.
Ingenious!! 2:51 p.m.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:06 P.M.
Sitting staring at my phone. I have a message all typed out:
Hi Alex. My name’s Emma Nash in the year below, I’m friends with Faith. Anyway I hope you don’t think this is weird but she gave me your number and I just wanted to say hi—really liked your performance as Hamlet. I cried. You were great. x
Too formal? I think so.
Hi Alex. I’m Emma in the year below, I’m friends with Faith. Anyway I hope you don’t think this is weird but she gave me your number and I just wanted to say hi—really liked your performance as Hamlet. I cried. You were great. x
Maybe don’t tell him that I cried. A bit fangirlish. I should probably lose the word weird, too. That will imply that I am weird and seed it in his brain. I have no need to justify myself. I’m messaging him because I want to message him, and that’s OK.
Hi Alex. I’m Emma in the year below, I’m friends with Faith. I hope you don’t mind but she gave me your number and I just wanted to say hi. How are you? x
There. One confident, casual message born of nerves and fretting. To send or not to send, that is the question...
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:35 P.M.
“Steph, I SENT IT.”
“OHMYGOD. What?!”
“What do you mean WHAT?! You told me to!!!”
“Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d actually do it.”
She’s so supportive.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:51 P.M.
Oh God. Now the waiting. This is awful. I’m just staring at my phone, lying on the bed. It’s sort of like tweeting a slightly risqué joke that you’re not entirely sure you can pull off, and waiting to see if anyone validates it with a like. Except a thousand times
more nerve-racking. And you can’t delete it. THERE IS NO GOING BACK.
Mum popped her head round the door. “You’re being awfully quiet... What are you doing?”
“Research.”
She snorted.
“I am, actually, Mother. Very important research.”
“Don’t even think about using my debit card. I’ll see it on my statement if you do,” she warned darkly, retreating from the room.
Yes, but three months later you wouldn’t have a clue whether it was you or not, would you? That’s why normal people have online banking.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:22 P.M.
He’s Replied
He’srepliedhe’srepliedhe’srepliedhe’sreplied.
Oh hi yeah I’ve seen u around. I’m gd thanks, u? 7:19 p.m.
SUCCESS! I mean, he abbreviated “good” to “gd” and “you” to “u” but no one’s perfect.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:27 P.M.
I Am Completely Useless: a Realization
Been messaging back and forth for a little while. Then Alex asked:
So what kinda stuff do u like doing?!? 8:59 p.m.
Hmmm. OK, so not pretending that I’m into water sports this time. Right, so, the truth, yes... The truth.
Oh my God. What AM I into?!?! I have ZERO special talents or skills. I can’t even cook pasta.
I stomped downstairs to the living room.
“Mum, WHY didn’t you make me keep going to football with Steph? Or guitar? Or swimming?!”
“Because you didn’t want to.”
“Well, that’s just not good enough, is it!! Where do you think Britney Spears would be now if her mum hadn’t pushed her to keep singing at a young age?!”
“Probably a lot calmer, happier and more stable.”
“Who the hell cares about that?!”
“You were a very stubborn child. You used to stage naked protests.”
“I...what?!”
“You’d take off your clothes and say, ‘I can’t go, I’m naked.’ Then if I ever managed to get you there, fully clothed, you’d take them off again. Most of the classes asked me not to bring you back.”
If I’m honest...watching TV. I’m really good at it, too. What about you? 9:10 p.m.
I’m an unaccomplished, talentless drone, with a penchant for taking off my clothes in public. Take it or leave it.