by Chloe Seager
Mum came in.
“Did you have a date? How was it?”
“Oh...only all right.”
“Do you think you’ll see him again?”
“No. Why bother?”
“Not Olly?”
“No...not Olly.”
“Well, you look lovely.”
She smiled.
FRIDAY, 3 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:40 A.M.
Woke up this morning to a really intense message from Greg.
Miss you already when can I see you?xx 7:23 a.m.
Woahhh. Way too much for this early in the morning. And this early in the relationship. If you could even call it that. I’m in registration now, avoiding replying.
“So my parents said I could have a party for my birthday,” Gracie announced.
“Didn’t they say that about a month ago?” I asked.
“Yeah, but I had to check everyone could come before I invited people.”
“Isn’t checking that people can come sort of the same as inviting them?”
“No. Because when some people couldn’t come I moved the date. Three times.”
She never asked me whether I could come...
Who are these mysterious people that she will move party dates around for??
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:21 A.M.
In Art
“Faith, did Gracie clear party dates with you?”
“Yeah. Why?”
Mystery solved.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:48 P.M.
Lunchtime
Gracie continued to spread her joyous news.
“Steph, I’m having a birthday party the weekend after next. It’s an under-the-sea theme.”
“I thought your birthday was ages ago?”
“It was,” I said, “but she had to wait until Faith could make it.”
Gracie went all pink. “And other people.”
Then she got out her guest list. I looked at Steph. She looked at me.
“This has twenty people on it,” I said.
“Yes.” Gracie nodded.
“Including Boring Susan,” I continued.
“Yes? So?”
“Nothing.”
Pause.
“Was Boring Susan one of the other people you checked could make it before me?”
She rolled her eyes.
“So where did you and Greg go?”
“Costa.”
“There’s no... Wait. Do you mean the Costa at the back of Waitrose?”
“He sent me a really full-on message this morning,” I said, changing the subject as Gracie smirked away.
“Let’s see!!” cried Steph, looking at my phone. “Wow, bit intense.”
“It is, isn’t it?”
“Kind of sweet, though. You should see him tonight.”
“Bit soon, isn’t it?”
“I guess. What else are you doing?”
“Point taken.”
Tonight?x 1:32 p.m.
OOo miss spontaneous. I’ll come get you at 7ish?xx 1:33 p.m.
I don’t think it was so much spontaneous as it was realizing I had nothing to do on a Friday night except wait for Mum to get in from salsa.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:08 P.M.
The Enigma of Manic Messagers
Those weirdly impressive people who, somehow, never ever run out of things to say over their phone. Greg keeps messaging me things like...“Lol wait until you get to apply for uni, it’s so stresssfulllll” and “ahhh kill me maths is so boring” and “Lol my friend Jim is choking on a bit of apple.” Has he forgotten we’re going to see each other later? Surely we’re going to have nothing left to say? Why must we be in constant contact?
Why isn’t he helping Jim, choking to death beside him, instead of messaging me about it?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:43 P.M.
“You should invite him to Gracie’s party!!” exclaimed Steph.
Gracie looked up and said, “Oh, no, don’t. It would be awkward. I don’t think my brother’s really friends with him.”
I ignored Gracie and invited him. OK, so it’s not technically my house to invite people to, but technically it’s not really hers, either. If she wants to get her parents, the legal homeowners, to ring me and tell me I can’t bring him...well, then that would be a different story.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:03 P.M.
Back from Greg’s house now, which was mostly spent making out on Greg’s bed. I have three things which I want to discuss.
Love vs Being Horny
I’m still not 100 percent sure how I feel about Greg, but I was getting ridiculously horny. More than when I was with Leon. Is that weird? Kissing Leon was kind of like kissing an angel. It felt like some otherworldly, sublime, sacred experience and it was all about how my heart and soul were feeling. My vagina didn’t get much of a look in. But now it’s all about the vagina. Can there be both?
Picturing One Person When You’re Kissing Another
I realize I need to stop thinking about Leon when I’m kissing someone else. My brain’s going, STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. But sometimes he just creeps in. It’s a very odd experience. If you get way too into it and then open your eyes, it’s quite surprising.
Dating Older Boys
It’s becoming clear to me that there are things they will never understand. My first clue was when we were watching Adventure Time and Greg started trying to get me to go upstairs.
“But...your mum’s in.”
“So?”
And then we went. And his mother didn’t burst out of the kitchen with a STOP sign or a fire extinguisher. Huh.
Later on I said, “You should probably take me home now.”
“What?! It’s only nine!”
“Yes, but my mum will be back soon.”
He was baffled.
“So?”
Then I was baffled.
He drove me home, and we sat outside (the wrong house) in the car. He seemed all “hurt” by me going home, as if it was my choice. It was then that I concluded I’d rather make it look like my choice than him think I’m some little girl who has to do what her mum tells her all the time, so I sort of...went with it.
“Bye, then,” he whimpered, looking all sad.
“Bye, see you Sunday,” I said and climbed out with purpose, as if I’d got really important things to be getting on with. I think it worked, because now he keeps messaging me like, “I know you’re really busy, but...” and all I’m doing is looking at the Style section on Zoella’s blog, and pondering whether I should wear more hats.
SATURDAY, 4 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 4:07 P.M.
Took another trip to Cloth House and bought a selection of different materials. I’m going to have A MILLION blanky dresses. I’m making a “toile” this time because I’m fancy and experienced now.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:47 P.M.
Coming Out Is Easier Said than Done
We went round to Faith’s house earlier. Every time you turn a corner something wedding-y leaps out at you. Hope was in the living room, flicking through a bridal magazine.
“Emma!” she said, turning the page towards me. “You’re good with fashion. What’s your opinion on veils?”
“Pretty, but given they were originally used to wrap women up like presents, questionable.”
“Uh-huh.”
Upstairs, I found Steph waggling her phone at Faith...her new victim.
“Don’t you want to play with it even a little bit??” she nagged.
“Not especially. You’ve got it set to ‘woman looking for man’ which makes it significantly less fun for me.”
“Well, we’d change that, duh.”
“Look, I don’t want to think
about it. I’m going to be alone forever. Can we drop it now?”
“I heard Boring Susan got with a girl at Abby Matthews’s party at the beginning of summer,” suggested Gracie.
“Boring Susan?!” exclaimed Faith. “You’re giving me BORING SUSAN?!”
“Well, I was just saying...”
“Just because two people are both gay, doesn’t mean they automatically like each other. That would be like me trying to pawn you off with...Willie Thomas, just because he’s a guy.”
Gracie’s lip wobbled. We were all a little awkward for a moment...it’s usually Faith who lightens the atmosphere, but she was still staring at Gracie incredulously.
“Is Boring Susan really the only other lesbian in our year?” Steph said, breaking the silence.
“She’s not necessarily a lesbian. She just got with a girl,” I answered.
“Jess said she has a bunch of friends who are only just coming out as bi or gay now, and she’s twenty, so I suppose there probably are other lesbians, they just don’t know it yet.”
“They know it. They just haven’t accepted it yet,” said Faith, bitterly. “God, I can’t wait for the day when being gay isn’t something to ‘accept.’”
We were silent again.
“But don’t you think, you know, maybe trying to find other people who have accepted it...might be a good idea?” I said, gently.
“I can’t just date, like you guys can.”
“Do you think your parents might see you?”
“Maybe. Or my sister. Or one of her friends.”
“Would they mind?”
“No. But them finding out is one step closer to my parents finding out.”
“Don’t you think you’re being a bit extreme?”
“No.”
Then she, very sternly, showed us a sketch she’d been doing of a fox in her garden. Conversation closed. It’s so frustrating!! She knows who she is but she feels she has to hide it from her family. She wants a relationship but she’s not prepared to start looking for one. But she’s right. I suppose it’s easy for me to look at her and say, yes, you should start dating, you should come out to your parents, when really I have no idea what it’s like to be in her place. I guess it’s something that will only happen in her own time. But I just want her to be happy... It’s so, so unfair!!
SUNDAY, 5 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:53 P.M.
I spent the afternoon at Greg’s house and two very important things have come out of it.
1) I Am Someone’s Girlfriend
We were standing in his kitchen, making toast, and his mum walked in. She sort of looks like the older, female version of him, so obviously gross images of me making out with her kept coming into my head and I had to dig my nails really hard into my hand to make them stop. She was just taking off her top (in my horrible head that taunts me so) when I heard Greg say, “...my girlfriend.”
My first thought was: Would he still want me to be his “girlfriend” if I told him I accidentally imagined his mother without her top on?
Then later I kept noticing that whenever I went somewhere he’d sort of...follow me. I went into the kitchen again to get a Petits Filous and he got up, too. As I was opening it, he crept up and hugged me from behind. Will I ever be able to eat a Petits Filous in peace again? It was really very difficult with his arms around me. Am I allowed to tell him to get off? “Please leave me alone as you are hindering my yogurt experience.” What are the boundaries here?
I’m still not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing. Leon always left me alone to enjoy my food but then, Leon did “ghost” me. I’ve been round in circles, but my conclusion is that whilst it’s a bit fast, it’s probably a nice thing.
2) My Vagina Has Been Touched by a Third Party
His hands slid downwards, and I instinctively pulled them back up... But I’m not sure why... I definitely wanted to let him...
Bedroom Thoughts
Why did I stop him, when basically all I think about is my horniness?
Am I ready?
I think I might be ready.
Screw it. I’m way too horny. Decision made. I’m putting his hands back.
Hmm. Is this enjoyable?
Not enjoyable as such. I mean, it’s OK.
Not nearly as good as when I do it myself, but OK.
Of course, the moment was slightly ruined when Mum rang in the middle, reminding me that there was leftover pie in the fridge. No one wants to think about pie when a guy’s hands are in their jeans. Well...maybe some girls who really, really like pie.
Then he drove me home and kissed me good-night. It was a little bit awkward. And now I feel kind of sordid, even though I don’t think I have a reason to.
Or is this just the feeling of womanhood?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:10 P.M.
Proof the Movies Have Messed Us All Up
I always thought that the first time another person did that it would be more romantic. Although, now, thinking about it, I’m not sure why. Touching someone else’s genitals is not a particularly romantic thing to do. I told Steph about it on the phone.
“I have been touched inappropriately by someone OTHER THAN MYSELF.”
“Oh my God. What was it like?”
“At times I didn’t really feel much. He may as well have been rubbing my elbow. But it was pleasant enough...sort of like going on Rumba Rapids at Thorpe Park, instead of Stealth.”
MONDAY, 6 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:54 P.M.
Do Boys Say Things Just to Get You to Do Stuff?
I was standing by the cafeteria with Gracie, and she said, “Do you think that’s why he called you his girlfriend? So he could get you to do stuff?”
“Well, now I do...”
And now it’s all I can think about. So I thought I’d just get it out in the open:
Did you call me your girlfriend so that I’d do stuff with you? 1:43 p.m.
No. What the hell, Emma? I’m really hurt that you asked that. I like you. We don’t have to do stuff if you don’t want. 1:44 p.m.
You don’t have to be my girlfriend if you don’t want, either...x 1:44 p.m.
I do want to be :) 1:50 p.m.
I think? I don’t know? I do, but I’d still rather be Leon’s girlfriend given the choice. Does that count? It has to, otherwise I’ll never be anyone’s girlfriend.
:) I’ll take you out somewhere on Friday? xx 6:51 p.m.
That’s nice.
Hopefully not to the Waitrose Costa again.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:03 P.M.
Are Face-to-Face Breakups Still a Necessity?
I’ve often wondered this. People keep relationships going on video chats, but is it OK to end one on them? Laurence Myer clearly thinks not.
Laurence: So. Do we need to talk?
Emma: Sure... About what?
Laurence: Oh, well if you don’t know then I guess it doesn’t matter.
Silence.
Laurence: So who’s that guy you got into a car with?
Oh Jeez. I rang Steph.
“Steph, I think I need to break up with Laurence Myer.”
“But you’re not going out with Laurence Myer.”
“Yes, but I think he thinks we’re going out.”
“But if you break up with him, then aren’t you sort of going along with it?”
“I guess.”
“You can’t do that. You have to let him down gently without actually conceding to a relationship status.”
“Right. How do I do that?”
“I have no idea.”
Laurence: ?
“How about... Laurence, the boy in the car is my boyfriend. You are not.”
“Is that you trying to be gentle?”
“Hmm.
How about... Though I enjoyed our singular date, and thank you heartily for the Minstrels, I didn’t think we really connected. We’re very...different.”
“Yes! That’s better! Take out the ‘singular.’”
“Right. I’m going in for the kill. Ripping off the Band-Aid.”
Emma: I enjoyed our date, and thank you heartily for the Minstrels, but I feel like we’re very different.
Laurence: We both liked the film?
Emma: Oh, no, not that... Just, I felt like we didn’t really connect?
I was sweating profusely by this point. That’s when he said:
Laurence: Are you breaking up with me over the internet?
Evidence: Face-to-face breakups are ALWAYS a necessity. Even if you have communicated with a person almost solely through the internet, it does not eliminate the need for them.
And even if you weren’t properly going out with them in the first place.
* * *
I am not proud of this, but my need to avoid awkwardness took over:
Emma: Look, you want the truth...I just thought you weren’t looking for a girlfriend, and now I’m seeing someone else
Laurence: Why did you think that?
...
Emma: Someone told me
Laurence: Who?
Emma: I’m afraid I can’t reveal my sources
Laurence: They lied. It’s not true
Emma: OK, well, I know that now, but I didn’t...
Laurence: OK
Emma: Gotta go byeeeee
Despite this truly stressful interaction, I am feeling a bit relieved. At least I won’t have to hide from him in the cafeteria anymore or have dreams about drowning in pools of Minstrels.
TUESDAY, 7 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:14 A.M.
What Counts as a Breakup?
This morning Gracie said to me, “You’ve kind of had your first breakup.”
“What about Leon?”
“Not sure a ghosting counts.”
“But...it’s still a breakup.”
She bit her lip. “OK, well, you’ve had your first breakup that you initiated, then.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:38 A.M.
In Maths
Crazy Holly is sitting at the front of the class on her mobile phone. Just casually chatting away whilst Mr. Crispin tries to teach us about triangles... I mean, we all talk and message each other, but actually speaking on your phone is kind of taking it to a new level. He keeps glancing in her direction and says “hypotheses” instead of “isosceles.” I put up my hand.