by Chloe Seager
“Sir, what’s a hypotheses triangle? You haven’t mentioned that one before.”
Five minutes later, she is still on her phone. Mr. Crispin is getting more and more agitated and making less and less sense. Is he going to say something? Surely, he must have to say something this time.
We have liftoff!
Mr. Crispin says politely, “Can you stop talking, please?”
Holly looks up briefly, as if remembering where she is, and replies, “Sorry, sir.”
... And then goes instantly back to talking on her phone.
Mr. Crispin sits down, apparently defeated. We hear him say, quietly, from behind his book,
“You will be sorry.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:09 P.M.
I Might Have to Have My Third Breakup
Greg rang me at break and I made the mistake of telling him about the Laurence thing. I honestly didn’t think it would bother him. Why would it? I thought he would find it funny but he got all weird and silent and I had to keep saying, “Are you still there?” “Are you still there?” And he’d say, “Yes,” but then not say anything else. And what I really wanted to say was, “OK, well if you’re not going to talk can I go and talk to my friends?” but I sensed I should stay on the phone. Ten minutes later, he messaged me saying: “Might not be able to do Friday anymore.” No kiss.
Then he kept messaging me. I was so distracted in French I didn’t know whether Madame Fournier was talking about lungs or apples. He said, “Think you should come over tonight and talk about this?” Talk about what? How I fake broke up with someone who I was fake going out with?
Then he said, “I just don’t get why you’d go along with it? You must have feelings for him.” Jeeez.
I did ask Mum if I could go over to Greg’s tonight, and this is how it went:
Me: “Can I go over to Greg’s tonight? xx”
Mum: “No.”
Me: “But we have some issues to work through.”
Mum: “I have pie for you to work through.”
Me: “This is more important than pie!!”
Mum: “If you have issues after going out for a week, end it now.”
So I called Greg: “I’m really sorry, my mum says I can’t come over tonight.”
“Oh. I see.”
“Sorry... I can still do Friday?”
“Don’t bother,” he said, and hung up.
Aghh!
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:50 P.M.
Yet More Strange Boy Behavior
I was just innocently eating my post-lunch cookie when I turned round and Leon was standing right behind me. Watching me. I wish I could say I played it cool but he took me by surprise, and I got chocolate chip caught in my throat.
“Did you tell Laurence that I told you he didn’t want a girlfriend?”
“No,” I said uncertainly, my face burning up.
“I know you, Emma.”
“OK...”
“I mean...” His cheeks flared a little, too. “I mean I know when you’re lying.”
“I’m not lying.”
He just looked at me ironically. I felt my bottled-up anger rising to the surface, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of getting worked up this time. I said, in a calm and measured tone,
“How could you have done? We’re not even speaking.”
“That’s what I said.”
“Good. Then you’ve answered your own question.”
He looked at me for a second, and then...he leaned down and took a bite of my cookie. He TOOK A BITE OF MY COOKIE. Then he turned and walked away.
How DARE he!! Who does he think he is?! I am still RAGING about this.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 4:45 P.M.
Analyzing Strange Boy Behavior
My rage has deflated. He bit my cookie... Surely that must mean something?!
“Steph, what do you think it means?” I asked her earlier.
“That he really likes cookies?”
I’m not sure this is an adequate conclusion.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:33 P.M.
I definitely did not save the rest of the cookie and put it in my bag because it has his saliva on it. That is definitely not something I would do.
Mum came in from work.
“Why are you staring at a half-eaten cookie?”
“I’m not staring at it. I’m just...staring near it.”
“You’re not being funny, are you?” she asked.
“I like to think I’m quite funny... Maybe not like Tina Fey level...”
“I mean about your food.”
“What?”
“Are you eating properly?”
I paused, trying to work out what she meant. “Are you asking me if I have an eating disorder?”
“Yes.”
“Mum, I think anorexia is a bit more serious than leaving half a cookie.”
“All right, no need to bite my head off, I was just concerned.”
I finally ate it. It tasted of Leon’s sweet saliva and my own bitter self-hatred.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:25 P.M.
The Phenomenon of Having a Conversation with Yourself
My phone went off. Wonder who that could be.
Wish you could’ve come over tonight :( 9:17 p.m.
Still no kiss. He acts like it’s my fault. Arghhh. Then half an hour later he sent another one.
Wow. Am taking your not replying to mean you’re really upset with me. 9:46 p.m.
Actually, I got distracted by a half-eaten baked good.
I don’t want to keep fighting like this anymore. 10:49 p.m.
Has he forgotten that I haven’t replied to him? I think he’s fighting with himself.
All right, let’s go out on Friday. I’ll cancel my plans, it’s fine. 11:13 p.m.
Evidence: If you don’t reply for long enough, sometimes problems just resolve themselves.
WEDNESDAY, 8 OCTOBER
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Ms. Parker put some paper clips on the table. “Now girls, be sensible with these...” Ha.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Steph has made me a lovely pair of paper clip glasses & paper clip hair extensions.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
I wonder what the paper clips were for, anyway?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:18 A.M.
Gracie Doubles My Problems
“Are you still on that app, Emma?” Gracie asked me this morning.
“I was never on it.”
“OK, is your joke profile still on it?”
“Errr, I told Steph to delete it. Why?”
“Well, I don’t know. You’re in a relationship now.” She says the word relationship like it has quotation marks around it.
“It’s not like I used it.”
“OK.”
Then later I got a message from Greg saying, “Well this is just taking the piss. Now Andy tells me you’re on a DATING APP. Are we even together at all?” I showed Gracie my phone. She at least had the decency to look embarrassed.
“Why? Was it a secret?” she simpered.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:00 P.M.
Tried calling Greg but no answer. I have yet another sty. I think this one is Greg’s fault. The rest of my evening was spent finishing off my new old dress, and it looks SO GOOD if I do say so myself. It’s in a really nice, dark blue and green paisley.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
It’s finally complete! My favorite dress, take 2. The heaving, screaming labor is over and I am now a proud mother
Steph Brent @Brentsy
@Em_Nasher Congrats. You’re gross
THURSDAY 9 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:05 A.M.
Just walked past Mr. Morris in th
e hall. I smile and wave...and he completely ignores me!! Just stares straight through me like I am a ghost!! I know I was late again today, but there’s really no need to be so rude.
Maybe it’s because I’m wearing sunglasses.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:04 A.M.
“Why are you wearing sunglasses?” asked Steph.
“It’s back.”
“What is?”
“The sty.”
“Oh.”
Silence.
“I think it probably looks less stupid than the sunglasses.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:20 A.M.
I can’t believe this just happened. I can’t believe it!! Leon walked past and said hello to me. LEON SAID HELLO TO ME. And he SMILED. I can’t believe it. Maybe it’s all going to be all right?? Maybe we’re going to make up?? I don’t even care about us going out, I just want to be his friend again!!
I can’t do anything properly I’m so excited. I put eyeliner on one eye and not the other. I took my sunglasses off and put them on some small boy’s head.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:08 P.M.
The Art of Annoying Your Friends
“He said...‘Hello, Emma.’”
“Reeallly? And what did you say?”
“I said...‘Hi.’”
“Did you??”
“Yes.”
Pause.
“Just so you know, I am aware of your sarcasm, but I’m too happy to care.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:55 P.M.
Greg phones.
“Emma, look, I just called to say sorry about yesterday.”
“Oh sure, whatever, it’s fine!”
“Oh... OK, well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I came across a bit—” he laughs “—insane. I just really like you and I was disappointed not to be able to see you before Friday. And then I got all paranoid about the ex, and the app. But if you say it was Steph, then I believe you.”
“It’s no problem, Greg, really!”
“OK... So will you delete it?”
“Of course!”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 5:47 P.M.
Deleting Your Dating App (Even If It Was a Prank): A New Key Relationship Step?
So we all know the main steps in a relationship. There’s the first date, first kiss, first-time sex, moving in, maybe marriage, kids and then turning into old people who either vaguely tolerate each other or get divorced. Right. I think I’ve discovered a new step...deleting your dating app.
Greg offered to come by in his car and drop me home. He said that it was just because he “wanted me to get home safe” but I walk home every other day and he’s never cared before, so I assume he wanted to check I deleted my stupid fake profile. But that’s fine, Leon said hello to me and everything is so gravy that I am swimming in gravy. Bathing in gravy. Drowning in gravy.
I got in his car and we chatted for a bit, but he was clearly on edge. So I got out Steph’s phone and deleted it in front of him. It was weirdly ceremonial. Greg looked all solemn and I sort of felt like I was taking part in a holy ritual, and at any moment he might say, “Bless you, my child, you are cleansed of your blasphemous online promiscuity and can once again be pure.”
I sort of wanted to laugh at the complete ludicrousness of the situation, but at least the bloody thing is DEFINITELY gone now. I suppose it’s nice that he cares? It might even have been romantic, if Steph hadn’t been looming over the car waiting to get her phone back.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:50 P.M.
I’m feeling really guilty now, about a moment we had in the car.
“You’re in a good mood,” Greg said.
“Er...”
“You make me happy, too,” he said, then kissed me.
Oh God. Greg is really nice. How comes he can say things like “you make me happy” and it kind of makes me feel good, but only really in the way that you feel good when someone in the girls’ bathroom says “I like your top,” and then Leon says “hello” and I feel like I’m floating above the clouds? It’s so unfair!!!
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:36 P.M.
My Mother Is Bonkers
If it wasn’t confirmed before, it is now. I was just going to brush my teeth, when I stumble across something in a plastic bag in the hall.
“Why are you leaving things out in the dark?!” I yell out to Mum. “You could have killed me!!!”
“If I was lucky,” she shouts back.
I turn on the light to inspect the mysterious object. I open the bag and see...a head. An actual HEAD. Not a human head, obviously, but the head of a stuffed camel.
Who am I living with?!?
I go into Mum’s room and brandish the head.
“Mum, what the hell is this?!”
She looks sheepish and doesn’t say anything.
“Why have you beheaded your stuffed camel?!”
Still no answer.
“Are you completely unbalanced? What is this?!”
“Don’t go snooping in my private things!!” she barks.
“Don’t leave your private things in the corridor!!”
“I had to leave it out to remind me.”
“Remind you what?”
She goes quiet again.
“Remind you what?!”
“To drop it off.”
Oh no. She can’t be serious.
“Are you... Are you referencing The Godfather?”
“Olly is half Italian.”
“So this is what...revenge? A threat on his life?”
“Just a statement.”
“You know that they used a horse, right, not a camel?”
“Well, he didn’t buy me a horse, he bought me a camel, so it will do.”
“You’re not... You’re not going to actually put it in his bed, are you?”
“Oh no. Just leave it on his doorstep.”
“Yes...that’s much better.”
And now I’m in bed. Not sleeping. I feel too guilty about the camel. I can feel it sitting out there in the darkness, mourning its body... Oh God. What did she do with the body? I took a picture of the poor thing.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Going to think twice next time before finishing off Mum’s fancy yogurt, that’s for sure
@Steph Brent @Brentsy
@Em_Nasher OH MY GOD. Did your mum do that?!?!
Holly Barnet @HoHoHo
@Em_Nasher @Brentsy Cool
FRIDAY, 10 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:01 A.M.
Mum drove off with the decapitated camel head in the back of her car. There’s a sentence I’ll never say again.
I hope.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:20 A.M.
Am I a Doormat?
Earlier on, I saw Leon (and Apple) walking towards me and I smiled, but he just looked straight through me... I mean, what?! I thought we were speaking again?! I told Faith about it.
“Here’s an idea, Emma, why don’t you try speaking to him? Why is it always him who gets to make the rules?”
“I... What do you mean?”
“I mean always act normal with him. Speak to him when he’s ignoring you. Or if he’s been ignoring you, ignore him when he speaks again. Or at least comment on it. You can’t just let him have his own way with you whenever he wants!! Don’t be a doormat.”
I considered this for a moment. It does sound infinitely sensible.
“I don’t think he treats me like a doormat...”
“He does.”
“No, he...”
“Yes—” she pointed to a little piece of mud on the floor “—that is you, there, getting stepped on.”
A few minutes later, Steph came over and sat down with us.
“Why are you staring intensely at the floor?”
> “I am that piece of mud,” I replied.
“I see.”
“She’s coming to terms with some realizations,” Faith said.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:15 P.M.
So am I still picking you up at 7?x 1:04 p.m.
Why would our plans have changed since the last time we spoke, yesterday?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:56 P.M.
Welcome to Adulthood
I’ve just arrived back from a date where we went to an actual restaurant. Greg and I sat across from each other like actual adults, next to other actual adults. It was kind of nice I guess, but weird. Leon would never have taken me to a weird fancy restaurant. He would have got me a big tub of pic ’n’ mix (and he knows all the ones I like, too) and we’d just sit in his room watching a terrible film with him shoving sweets down the back of my top. I kept thinking about this, all the way through my starter.
Starter Thoughts
SHUT UP. You’re not on a date with Leon!! Do you know why? Because he doesn’t like you!! Focus on the date you’re actually on, with the person who does like you!!
Greg has a little piece of tomato on his nose and I can’t stop staring at it.
What if he tries to kiss me? What will I do?
I mean, obviously, I’ll duck.
After, we went back to Greg’s house. Thankfully the little piece of tomato had mysteriously disappeared.
“So why didn’t you text me back until this evening?” He lifted his eyebrows accusingly.
“Er...”
Then we just ended up kissing on his bed. It seems like kissing is the safest thing to do, because whenever we talk we seem to fight. And that’s how I came to encounter a penis.
The Penis Encounter
We were just making out all normal and then...he started taking his trousers off. Here’s how it went down in my head:
Am I supposed to counter-move? Because I’m on my period and my massive sanitary towel will be plainly visible.
OH MY GOD. I’VE STILL NOT SHAVED MY LEGS.
Steph was right. I want to be bold and feminist and bare my hairy legs to the world but now it’s come down to it I’m gripped with terror.