by Chloe Seager
Can I get them out? It felt so much easier in theory! Aghhhhh.
Well, now we’re just making out with me fully clothed and him in his pants. It’s a little bit awkward.
THE PANTS ARE OFF. THE PANTS ARE OFF. OH MY GOD. I HAVE SEEN A PENIS IN REAL LIFE AND IT IS TERRIFYING.
After ten seconds of looking at it, I know, deep down in my soul, that I will never, ever, get used to the sight of a human penis.
Should I touch it? Oh my God. I haven’t even properly acquainted myself with it visually yet, let alone physically.
Moving nearer...
It slapped my hand. IT SLAPPED MY HAND. I’ve been rejected by the penis.
I’m not prepared for this.
I quickly withdrew.
“Greg, I just don’t think I’m ready.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I just thought... Because you know. We’d already done stuff, so...”
“Er, yes, I can see why you’d think that. But...no.”
“Of course, I’m so sorry. I’ll just, er, put these back on.”
Then he put his trousers back on in silence, and we didn’t mention it again for the rest of the evening. I feel like I’ve been through an ordeal. And a little bit confused. It’s not like I definitely didn’t want to. I kind of did. At least, I’ve thought about it before and thought I did. But in the moment I felt all overwhelmed and weird.
SATURDAY, 11 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:46 P.M.
The “Am I Ready?” Question
Steph is round.
“That sounds horrendous,” she said.
“Thanks, I feel much better now.”
“So...you’re not ready to do stuff with him?”
“Well, er...I’m ready for him to do stuff to me.”
Steph laughed.
“I always thought there was either an I’m ready or I’m not ready. How can I be half-ready?!”
Steph thought for a moment, then said, “Because you’re a selfish lover?”
“Exactly. That’s what it sounds like, doesn’t it? If a guy said that to me, I’d tell him to piss off.”
“Me, too.”
“So am I allowed to say that? It’s how I feel.”
“I don’t know. I can tell you what Faith would say.”
“Go on.”
“She’d say, Emma, that’s OK, but until you feel ready to reciprocate, maybe you shouldn’t do anything at all, because you don’t want to be a user.”
“Hmm.”
I’ve thought about this for a while and I’ve concluded that, whilst Steph-channeling-Faith made a good point, I think that Greg seems to want to touch me quite a lot. Therefore, denying him that would be denying us both.
SUNDAY, 12 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:00 P.M.
SUCCESS
I’ve done it!!! I’ve finished the dress that I designed and it looks the same as it did in my head!! I feel so good about myself and I am never buying clothes again. (Only partially because Mum won’t buy me lots of new clothes, but her purse strings seem very loose when it comes to buying me fabrics to make things with.) I posted a picture of it and I’ve never gotten so many likes. Even Mum came in as I was standing admiring it in the mirror and said,
“Oh wow! That looks lovely. I can’t believe you made that.”
Still not sure how I feel about her praising me. It is alien and unnatural and I felt the urge to hug her, but also to counter it by saying something mean.
Anyway, I’m going to wear the dress to Gracie’s party. Which is technically under-the-sea themed but I’m sure there must be some kind of black-with-see-through-stripes sea creature I can go as.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:10 P.M.
Found it!!! A banded sea krait. Perfect!!
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:58 P.M.
I Will Never Be a Banded Sea Krait
Gracie called.
“So, I’ve changed the theme to Great Gatsby.”
“What, noooo! Why?!”
“Don’t you think we’re a bit old for under-the-sea? It is my seventeenth.”
“I think you shouldn’t worry about how something looks, you should just do what you want...”
“Well, what I want to do is Gatsby.”
“But...but...I was coming as a banded sea krait.”
“A what?”
“Oh, never mind.”
I’ll just put on a feather boa or something, then take it off after five minutes.
MONDAY, 13 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:55 A.M.
Sitting on a Wall Near Chapel
Missed registration. Again. I came panting up to the Chapel, where Dr. Penzik was standing “monitoring” the students as they passed. He obnoxiously put an arm out in front of me as I tried to walk in.
“Emma, where’s your blazer?”
“Oh, er...” I looked at my blazer-less arms. “At home on the banister?”
“You can’t come in without your blazer.”
“Oh, great, thanks, Dr. Penzik!” I said, and ran off to sit on the wall. I’d never have worn my blazer if I knew it was a get-out-of-Chapel-free card. On the way here I walked past Mr. Morris.
“Oh, Mr. Morris, I’m really sorry I was late today. I promise it won’t happen again! This week, anyway.”
He stopped, furrowing his brow in confusion and anger. “I’m not Mr. Morris,” he said solemnly.
Has he lost his mind?
I can hear Chapel going on without me. It’s so satisfying not to have to mouth along to the hymns for once. Faith says that I’d find it less boring if I actually tried singing, and thinking about what the hymns mean, but I don’t believe her.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:15 A.M.
In Art
Sitting next to Faith. We’re supposed to be having “quiet sketching” time.
I saw a penis 10:13 a.m.
She raised her eyebrows.
What was it like? 10:14 a.m.
A worm 10:15 a.m.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:17 A.M.
The Catterfly: True or False?
I was discussing it with Faith and Steph, when Crazy Holly enlightened me.
“What do you mean it slapped your hand?”
“I don’t know how else to say it.”
“Why was it moving?”
“I don’t know!!”
“Was it hard?”
“Kind of.”
“What do you mean kind of? Isn’t it either hard or...not?”
“No... I mean... That’s what I thought too. But obviously not.”
“Maybe Greg just has a weird penis.”
Then Holly came ambling over. “Excuse me, ladies, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. I think what you’re talking about is a phenomenon I like to term the catterfly.”
We stared blankly.
“If a caterpillar is changing into a butterfly, what is it?”
“Er...a catterfly?”
“Exactly.”
More staring.
“So, the catterfly in question is neither a caterpillar nor a butterfly. It is in a transitional stage.”
“Holly, what are you talking about?”
“A semi-erection.”
I’m still absorbing this new information. That is, if it’s true. Can I really trust what Crazy Holly says? She did go out with that guy who was in prison. But I’m not sure they ever actually met.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:11 P.M.
The Catterfly: True
Looked it up on the internet. Apparently it is a real thing!!! Why do they never teach you these things in sex ed? What did I even learn that was useful? All I know is how babies are made and I don’t want a baby. Oh my God. Why did he only have a semi?! Do I not
merit a full erection?
I was walking around with Faith.
“Faith, you’re so lucky you’ll never have to deal with this.”
“Why, because I’ll never be with anyone ever?” She sighed.
“No, because when you DO start seeing someone, which you WILL, you’ll already know what to do because you’ve got a vagina.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:45 P.M.
A Revelation
“Did you notice anything weird about Mr. Morris today?” I asked Steph.
“No,” she said absently, closely examining her chipped nail polish, “why?”
“He seems to be having an identity crisis. He stopped in the middle of the corridor and said, ‘I am not Mr. Morris.’”
“That is weird.”
I looked out the window and saw him walking across the courtyard.
“Who knows what’s going on inside that bearded head... What trauma he’s dealing with...”
Steph looked up from her fingernails. “That’s not Mr. Morris.”
“What?”
She started laughing really, really hard. “That’s not Mr. Morris!!!”
“What are you talking about?!”
“That’s Mr. Grant! He teaches Physics!”
“No... What?! You’re lying!”
She was laughing so hard she couldn’t even answer. Ten minutes later, she was still laughing and had turned a deep shade of red.
“All this time...you saying Mr. Morris was ignoring you...” She sputtered.
“I’m still not convinced.”
“I should have known when you asked whether I thought Elijah Wood would ever be able to move on from Harry Potter.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:00 P.M.
Still stressing over my inability to engender a full erection. I suppose it was only the first time... Maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. (Haha, “hard” on myself.) All good practice for if I ever go there with Leon. DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT. NO. Get out of my head, Leon. Get out get out get out get out get out. Maybe I should write lines or something?
You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis. You will never touch Leon’s penis.
TUESDAY, 14 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:15 A.M.
I came in this morning and walked slowly past “Mr. Morris” at his desk. (Could it be Mr. Grant? Who knows?)
“Good morning, Mr. Morris...” I said skeptically.
Steph burst out laughing on the other side of the room.
Now I’m stalking the staff room to see proof that Mr. Morris has a double... And there they are. The twins. Standing by the biscuit table with their barely discernible features.
Who knew?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:50 P.M.
I Am Not a Doormat
I was walking around the grounds with Faith, and two figures came into view ahead.
“Look...it’s Leon!”
“How can you tell?”
“I’ve watched him from a distance enough. I can pick him out of crowds within seconds.”
Faith paused. “What’s it like living in a constant game of Where’s Leon?”
“Tiring.”
“Do you ever think that if you put all that energy into something else you might...I don’t know, learn a language? Read Balzac’s Human Comedy?”
“What is that?”
“Never mind.”
He got closer, and closer...
“Now’s your chance, Emma,” encouraged Faith.
“Do you think?!”
“DO IT.”
“Do what?!”
“Act how YOU want to act. Set the terms!! Lay down the rules!! How do YOU want to greet him?!”
“By licking his neck?”
By this point Leon was a few meters away (with Apple, who turned out to be the second tiny speck). And...instead of waiting for Leon to do something...I said, “Hi.”
OK, so it came across a touch aggressive, perhaps more like “HI”...but I did it! Apple looked over, a bit bemused. Leon looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. But I stared him down. And...he lifted a hand at me!! (In what is officially the most begrudging wave I have ever seen, but still!!)
TRIUMPH. I SHALL NOT BE IGNORED.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:17 P.M.
Greg turned up at school to give me a lift home, which was really sweet, but then he asked if we could go back to mine and I said no because my mum was in, and he looked a little bit hurt. I suggested we “drive somewhere and chat” instead and I think he thought I meant something dirty, because he looked all pleased and went and parked up by the forest. Thankfully I am a teenager and am, therefore, always feeling just a little bit horny. Even when watching wholesome Christmas movies or eating soup at Granddad’s house or buying laxatives for my mum in Boots.
Forest Thoughts
Oh God, what if someone sees us? Stop panicking! Relax... Relax...
This is not very arousing. I always thought I’d be one of those fun, carefree people who can do stuff in public places but it turns out I’m not.
Maybe if I focus on Greg...
What a nice nose he has.
Noses are not very arousing, either.
It was really quite a challenge, but by combining the powers of my long and enduring sexual angst, and mental images of Mr. Allen, I managed to conjure a very small orgasm. It was nothing like when I’m alone and was really more of a twitch, but there it was. An orgasm, all the same.
When we drove back home I kept thinking about where Greg’s hands had been and how now they were on his steering wheel. Is he going to wipe it? It seems unsanitary.
And that is the story of my third, fairly unfulfilling sexual experience. At least Greg didn’t get his penis out this time, so I didn’t have to awkwardly decline it.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:12 P.M.
Maybe We Should All Just Stick to Masturbation
Discussed it with Faith:
“Are you going to do it again?” she asked.
“Probably.”
“But why, may I ask? I mean, if it’s only all right?”
I thought. Hmm, she had a point.
“I guess... I mean, I enjoy it more physically when I do it myself. But with him it still gets rid of the horniness more. Just because there’s someone else there, I guess.”
She pondered for a moment. “Could he just stand in the room, while you do it?”
“I like your thinking.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:44 P.M.
I’ve made Gracie a very special jumper that says “Word Wizard” on it for her birthday, to wear when we play Articulate. She’ll be spectacularly embarrassed when I give it to her in front of people, but also she’ll love it, so it’s a win-win.
WEDNESDAY, 15 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:41 P.M.
The Awkwardness of Dirty Messaging
Got a message from Greg.
I can’t stop thinking about getting you off x 9:29 a.m.
Not sure how I feel about this. It was 9:30 in the morning, for one thing. And for another it just doesn’t sound like him. He would NEVER say this to my face...usually he’s all sweet and sickly.
Evidence: Technology lets people say what they are really thinking.
* * *
I have no idea what to reply, but I suppose I must. Hmm... “Thanks”? Or should I be apologetic? Like, “I hope you find a way to focus on your lessons”? Or more dirty, sort of like... “Wait until you feel a real orgasm”? No. Tha
t is a) creepy and b) will expose the fact that mine was only about a 2.0 on the Richter scale.
Really, if anyone “got me off” the other day it’s Mr. Allen. I almost want to slip him a thank-you note.
Eventually went with:
Me neither xx 1:40 p.m.
Generic, whitewashing lies are always the right answer.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 5:19 P.M.
Big News
I was standing waiting for Mum to pick me up at the gates, scanning for Leon in case he stayed late for some unknown reason, when Leon actually appeared in the distance.
I expected him to just walk past, but he kept heading for me... I could see Mum pulling up and waving frantically in the corner of my eye but I pretended not to notice.
“Are you going to this?” he asked, brandishing a little shiny card from his pocket. I leaned in...it was an invitation!! A bloody invitation to Gracie’s party!! With “Gracie’s Sweet Seventeenth” written across the top in gold, shiny letters.
“What!!” I said, grabbing it. “I never got one of those! Is this... Is this handmade?! I don’t believe this. That takes the piss.”
“So you’re not going?”
“Oh, no, I’m going.”
“OK, cool.”
... Really?
“I’ll pee on the invitation and give it back to her, if you like.” He grinned.
And I wanted to reply, I really did, but the only thing that came to mind was You can pee on me and then I saw Mum getting out of the car.
“Oh, gotta go!” I said, and ran off to a very angry mother. So I made you wait for me when you’d been kind enough to offer me a lift. LET IT GO.
Anyway, Leon spoke to me again!! I’m trying to stay grounded and keep Faith’s words in my head, like a leaden weight, but it’s like I’m filled up with helium. I keep floating off.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:49 P.M.
Actual Big News
Disregard my last post. Something far more newsworthy has happened. Faith called.
“Emma, I did it!!!”
“You did what?”
“IT.”
“You had sex?!”
“Pah! No, but I came one step closer. I came out to my parents!!”
“Oh my God!! Faith, that’s huuuuge!!”