Chapter 13
As the months passed Julia gradually began to notice that her relationship with Ben had changed. She couldn’t pin-point to when it had all started to change, or what had caused it to change but there was something definitely there that had not existed before. It was a tiny speck in her vision of perfect happiness. She couldn’t complain that he was lacking in his affection, as in this respect he was his usual self. Even in their love making things seemed to have remained the same. They still spoke to each other openly as they had done in the past, or rather Ben still did as by this stage Julia had so many secrets stacked away that it was difficult to have an open conversation without revealing any hidden information. He was still a dedicated husband and father, spending all the free time he had with his family. This free time had decreased of late but this was through no fault of his own, it was only to make ends meet and cover the growing financial expenses. Julia counted the months till she could return to work. It was less than a year now. It was already the end of April and in October Laura would be in the Junior school and Julia could start job-hunting for at least a part time job during the school hours. It would be hectic and she dreaded to think how she would tell Sophia about her new job, as this would mean having even less time with her friend. At the moment she did not want to think too much about this, it was still far away and by then Sophia could be back at work, although so far she had not shown any signs of returning to work. She never mentioned her old job or any plans to commence working again and any attempt that Julia had made to think about returning to the workplace had been dismissed. Julia had cut out some advertisements she had seen in the local paper and had left her the numbers of some recruitment agencies; however, Sophia had never shown any interest to follow up on them. The newspapers had been left on the kitchen table untouched till Julia had eventually binned them during one of the many times when she had cleared Sophia’s kitchen.
Julia tried to convince herself that Ben was just stressed. As head of the household he had the responsibility of ensuring the financial stability in the running of the household. This was certainly not easy with a daily deluge of bills. There were the utilities to be paid, insurances, private-lessons for the children, grocery bills, entertainment expenses and private school fees. The list was endless. In addition, whereas before Julia had been treated by Sophia to so many lunches, travelling in Sophia’s comfortable convertible with Sophia footing the bill on most occasions these had now all stopped. On the contrary, Julia was driving to Backwell daily to visit her friend so her fuel costs had increased. She very often also purchased small gifts to cheer up her friend, some flowers or books to read. She even purchased some groceries for Sophia who never seemed to go out. Sophia never offered to pay for these and Julia did not expect her to because in the past she had spent a far greater amount on Sophia. In addition buying so many take-outs for dinner and stocking up on so many ready-made meals caused the groceries budget to be in the red on many occasions.
She began to observe Ben to try and pin-point what had changed. His behaviour was no different. She never caught Ben in any lies. He was the same honest soul she had met so many years ago so what had changed? She caught herself checking his mobile phone. Checking the calls he had made and the texts he had sent and received. There were too many unknown numbers for her to find out anything. He used his mobile phone constantly for work and so this was no surprise. She went through the contents of his briefcase, his allocated drawers in their bedroom and even his work briefcase; however, nothing seemed to be amiss. The worse thing was that she didn’t know what she was actually looking for. Ben had been faithful to her in all these years and there were no signs to show that he was discontent in his marriage, nor that he had anyone else. This idea was totally incredulous to Julia. Ben would never be unfaithful to her. It was just so out of his nature, his principles and his moral values. However, what other cause was there for this tingling doubt that had crept into Julia’s heart?
Weeks passed and she was no closer to discovering what was wrong. At times the feeling was so slight that she felt confident that she was just imagining it. She was just being paranoid. There was nothing wrong. Perhaps it was all those lies she had weaved around her that caused her to suspect in her beloved Ben. When she looked at him totally unaware of the scrutiny that was going on he seemed so tranquil. His eyes were those of a good man, not those of some unfaithful husband who was betraying his wife. No, it was just impossible. For starters Julia knew almost all of Ben’s friends and she couldn’t picture anyone who Ben would be even the least bit interested in going to bed with. There were of course the business trips. He could have met anyone during these trips, however, the fatigue with which he returned from these trips and the endless monologues about his latest projects convinced her that his work left little time for anything else.
She decided to write down her preoccupations to try and solve this mystery. As yet she couldn’t even share her worry with Sophia because she wasn’t sure it existed. Could it be anything else? Maybe it was just some early mid-life crises he was going through. Maybe it was just her imagination caused by all the time she was spending alone save for the children and for Sophia. She knew of friends whose husbands had cheated on them. Some had found out and others were still totally oblivious; however, the tell-tale signs were always there, a change in his attitude, his personal grooming, his style. Ben did not have any of these. His personal grooming was restricted to cleanliness but ended there. As for his clothes and style of clothes he relied entirely on Julia to shop for his clothes and replace any outdated clothes as was required. He could have easily gone to work in the same two suits all season. It was Julia who shopped around for bargains on well-cut suits and sales of designer shirts to make Ben look the part. She felt proud in the fact that when he stepped out for work he looked smart and professional. However, this was all her doing. She knew that he was playing along just to keep her happy and that deep down he did not give a toss about what he wore. The weekends were spent in the same worn jeans that he loved so much. He often joked that he should be buried in these jeans as they had become a part of him.
So what could it be, was it something that had happened that he was keeping hidden? Were they in debt and he was too ashamed to tell Julia? She logged into their joint account to check on the savings they had in each bank account and to check their current account. The three savings accounts they had opened for their children were untouched as were their pension account. Their current account was also healthy. It could have been higher but it was nothing to be alarmed about. It was certainly not a situation to cause such concern.
Julia tried to obtain the information she was seeking from their small circle of friends. She asked these friends whether they had noticed anything different in Ben and they immediately understood to what she was referring to; however, they brushed down the idea of infidelity completely. They too were totally convinced that Ben could never betray Julia. He loved her too much and he was not the type of man to be unfaithful. The way they made it sound was as if men came in two packages, one packed up to be unfaithful and the other category not. She pictured Ben totally naked except for a large red ribbon tied around his waist covering just below his groin and smiled about this. Yes, Ben had been her present and he was all hers. How could she doubt this? The idea bordered on the absurd it was totally ridiculous.
The notebook where she had decided to write down her preoccupations remained empty for a long time. The first entry was written weeks after Julia had decided to write down any tell-tale signs she noted. The words she wrote down now were ‘the look’. Julia had decided that she could not risk anyone finding the notebook or reading it. The two elder children now had full run of the house and nothing could be kept hidden. She had had to hide her sexy lingerie and the boxes of lube and assorted condoms right at the back of her wardrobe which she now kept locked. They were of an age where they would ask too many questions, some of which she was not yet ready to answer. For thi
s reason she had decided that she would write succinctly in short point format, only the bare necessity to remind her of what she had observed or discovered.
She wasn’t sure how to explain to herself what she meant by ‘the look’; however, it was something that had occurred that had made her feel uneasy. They had been discussing a trip which one of their friends had just been on. It was a trip to Bulgaria. Julia had never known much about Bulgaria. It was definitely not one of the places she wanted to visit. However, their friend had shown them hundreds of pictures taken during his holiday there and the place really did seem so different from Julia’s preconceived ideas of what the country had to offer. There were pictures of the magnificent Tsaravets Fortress, the Roman Amphitheatre, the Soviet-era monuments, the massive Aleksandr Nevski Cathedral and the Bachkovo Monastery. The mention of the capital city had of course reminded Julia about her friend and thinking out loudly she commented ‘I wonder if Sophia ever visited Sofia’. Ben had stopped talking and glanced at her with a sideways glance. It was over in a split second. It was over so quickly in fact that Julia wasn’t entirely sure she had actually seen anything, but that night as she lay tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep she replayed that scene again and again in her mind. Something had happened; something had occurred, Ben had looked at her with a strange look. She couldn’t interpret what that look meant; however, it was a mixture of pain and anger. It was a look of hatred towards Julia. Julia had never ever seen Ben like that. His eyes for just that split second were demonic. They were black eyes of the devil, of hate and of all things bad. Ben had quickly carried on talking, ignoring her comment and they had kept on discussing the beautiful sights as if nothing had gone on. She had kissed him good-night, the same routine of the past years, day in day out, kissing the one person who was always there by her side. The person who shared her bed; had impregnated her with the life of their three adorable children; the person who loved her so unquestionably and the person who loved her as a complete person even though so many times she felt like a hollow shell. A shell that once opened did not contain a precious pearl but a stinky decay of a dead mollusc. That is why the next morning, whilst Ben was showering in their en-suite, she wrote down her first entry, the two simple words on a bare page and the date next to them so that the page resembled a purchase ledger.
As days passed, she continued to seek out these clues as to what was going on. These were classified in similar entries ‘the fleeting glance and the date’, ‘the watcher and the date’ ‘the starrer and the date’. She couldn’t have described what was going on in a better way even if she had not had the fear of one of her family members reading through the notebook. If Ben were to read it he would not be curious as to its meaning, nor would the children. She had often written down thoughts and poetry and she would just tell them that she was jotting down some ideas for a new poem. The words concretised the feeling she had that all was not well. As she had written them they looked sinister and unreal. Many times during Ben’s late nights in the office or during one of the business trips, she would bring out the tiny notebook, which she kept hidden in a pair of fluffy bed socks in her bedside drawer, and stare at the words. She kept rearranging the words around and around in her head. Like the words ‘Drink Me’ in Alice in Wonderland, these words screamed out at her to solve the puzzle but the significance of these words remained cryptic.
All she could understand was that something between them had changed. She was oblivious to what had caused it. Was it irritation that Ben felt when she had uttered Sophia’s name? Was it anger as it reminded him just how needy his wife was? Was it jealously of the relationship she had with Sophia or was it pity at the thought of losing her and all that they had? She had spent so much of her life with this man, giving and receiving so much, yet that look she had seen on his face terrified her. She had never seen this look on his face and Ben had always been an open book to her. She knew exactly what he thought about things, what his values and principles were and whether he would agree or disagree with something. This mystery unnerved her and she was plunged into a valley of despair. She needed to regain control. She had attempted to do so much in pushing Sophia aside to save her marriage and yet now there was an element present that she could not fight. She did not have the necessary weapon or armour to fight it. It was as futile as fighting an invisible dragon. She could feel its hot breath all over her, but she was blind and couldn’t fathom whether the mythical creature was in front of her or behind her. Her efforts were as useless as an experienced explorer caught in murky quicksand. The more she thrashed about the deeper she sank.
She pondered at length about what she could do but could not think of any solution. Just as she couldn’t talk to Sophia about this, as it was too difficult to describe what she had seen on Ben’s visage, so too she could hardly approach Ben. What would she tell him? That in the past months she had caught him looking at her in a strange manner? That she was suspecting him of something but she didn’t know what? What could she tell him? She couldn’t very well ask him if he was having an affair because this would lead to an argument which she would have stirred up herself. She didn’t want to hurt Ben and he would be so hurt that she was suspecting this of him. What if she was completely off track? What if he was simply worried that he would lose her to Sophia? What if he had discovered that she was secretly meeting Sophia on a daily basis? What if it was something that had nothing to do with them or Sophia? What if he was sick or had cancer? Horrendous thoughts fluttered into her brain of Ben dying a long painful death in their bed upstairs; of pain entering their house like some unwanted murderer; of their children losing their parent and the panic of having to continue her life without him. What would happen then? Would Sophia be enough for her? She needed Ben, he was as fundamental to her as her very existence. He was her lover, her support, her companion and the father to her children. Ben was the fifth part of her pentagon. She couldn’t imagine life without him. She tried to control these thoughts, reflecting on what a psychologist had once told her. It was useless worrying about what the future held in store for her. She had to live in the present and Ben was here with her in the present.
Chapter 14
Summer commenced and with it came their annual holiday. Julia had spent weeks deciding where to go and finally they had decided to go to Florence. Ben and herself would visit the many art galleries and the children would be exposed to so much art and culture that it would serve as an educational experience too and not just a family holiday. Julia had spent hours online trying to find a budget accommodation that would be suitable for a family of five. Many hotels did not cater for family rooms and opting for two separate rooms was proving costly. In the end she had selected a family pensione which offered a self-catering apartment. The pensione was not luxurious and it meant having to cook their own meals; however, it was bang in the middle of Florence and from behind the wooden shutters which blocked out the hot Italian sun Julia could observe the mass of tourists and the smart Italian women dolled up in the latest fashion.
They had spent a full two weeks in the sun, strolling around the city, visiting the sights and gorging on the vast selection of pasta dishes in local tavernas. The children browned in the hot sun and Julia made sure that she would return home with an enviable tan. The two weeks passed in a whirlwind of rekindled romance and family bonding. It seemed that from the moment they had set foot on the plane things had returned to the way they had been at the start of their marriage: those carefree days when they had no other distractions in their marriage. Days filled with love and sex like two love struck teenagers. Julia felt a renewed sexual appetite making love in the cool high ceiling bedroom; making love upright leaning against the cool white stone walls: the muslin curtains fluttering in the gentle breeze, their bodies giving off a slight smell of sweat, with her hair damp lying loosely down her back. Their passion culminating in a spiritual union of oneness and after as they lay on the cool linen sheets she remembered the buzzing of mosquitoes in her ear
s and felt the thumping of Ben’s heart as she lay with her head on his chest careful not to awaken his peaceful sleep.
At moments like this Sophia felt so far away. She belonged to another world. She imagined what she would be doing back home in the dismal British weather. She would be spending the days indoors waiting for the company of her friend. A self-appointed hermit confided to her cell. Counting down the days for Julia’s return; staring at the hand of the clock willing them to move faster and faster: willing them to bring Julia back to her. Sophia wanting and needing Julia with a power that was magnetic; a power that drew Julia into her open arms. A power that at times Julia found overbearing because it was a force that operated on its own without Julia’s consent.
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