Once Again

by J. Lea

  “I can see you are a mature woman,” she says. “I really am sorry I acted the way I did toward you. This is why I came here—I want to fix things between us. I feel bad about the day you came to lunch. Jake called me the very next day, and let me know he won’t tolerate that kind of behavior from me. And he was right to tell me. He forced me to listen, really listen to him, as he explained all about you, and I’m not ashamed to say I was wrong. I judged you without getting to know you, and I apologize.” She pauses. “I was only worried about my son. He hasn’t had a serious relationship ever since Liz broke his heart, and I knew his flings didn’t pose any threat to his heart. Now I realize, he is a grown man who can take care of himself, but he will always be my son, and I will always worry about him. I love him.” Another pause. “When I saw in the hospital the way he looked at you, and the way you looked at him…I knew instantly you mean a lot to him. I got scared, and I let all my frustrations out on you. I know I shouldn’t, and I’m sorry.” Letting out a loud sigh, she reaches for her beverage. She takes a few sips and continues. “You probably know how close our family is, and I would like to get to know you better, too, if you decide to accept my apology. Jake is a very good person, who, like many young people, made some bad decisions in life. But I believe he is mature enough to know what he is doing now… in all aspects in his life. And if he loves you, then we will try our best to make you feel welcome and comfortable in our family.”

  “Thank you,” I sputter in shock. I didn’t expect her to apologize when I found her standing on the doorstep. Truthfully, I thought she was here to offer me money to leave her son. “And so you know, I really care about your son. I would never hurt him.”

  “I’m glad to hear that,” she smiles. After an awkward pause, she speaks again. “So…I heard you plan on opening your own massage therapy salon. Have you found the location yet, or is this still too far in the future?”

  “Actually, I have. There are two I like. Jake already saw pictures of one place, and I just sent him some photos of the second one the other day, so he can give me his opinion. Even if it is ultimately my decision, I’d like him to have a part in it.”

  “Yes, I know the way you think. Jeff and I also took all the decisions together. And it’s the right thing to do.” She plays with the strap on her purse for a few seconds, and then looks up. “Well, I’ll be going now. I apologize for showing up unannounced. And again, I’m sorry. I hope you’re not still angry with me, or at least, that you understand my standpoint.” I give her a smile.

  “I accept your apology. Drive safely, and I’ll tell Jake you came by.” We exchange an awkward hug, and I wave at her as I close the front door. Exhaling a deep breath that I wasn’t even aware I was holding in, I admit I feel much better now that we’ve resolved things. It’s still going to take some time to become close with her.

  Jake

  “I heard Ella’s stalker is finally in jail,” Mike says, and takes a gulp of his beer. Some of the guys decided to grab a beer in a nearby pub to relax a little after the difficult race.

  “Thank God! It was about time,” I respond. “I can finally breathe a little easier.”

  “I can’t believe he blamed you for the way Liz acted toward him.” He shakes his head.

  “I know, man. He’s sick. But luckily, I can put it all behind me now, and focus on the more pleasant things in my life. How is Debbie, by the way? I haven’t seen her around lately.”

  “She had a doctor’s appointment today, so she couldn’t make it to the race.”

  “And Mike Junior?” At the last appointment, they found out it’s going to be a boy. Debbie’s stomach is already big, but she still has some time before she gives birth.

  “Debbie says he’s a soccer player. He’s never still, always kicking her in the ribs. She complains.” His eyes turn soft and sparkly when he talks about Debbie and their baby.

  “Man, you’re going to be a father. I can barely wrap my head around this.” I take a gulp of my beer.

  “Can hardly believe it myself. It’ll probably hit me only when I finally hold him in my arms.”

  We play a few rounds of pool, and then head back to our trailers.

  ~ * ~

  Today is three years since Josh was in an accident. I feel bad for not being able to be with her on this difficult day. I can’t even imagine how she must feel, and it’s breaking my heart. Yesterday, when we talked on the phone, she seemed sad, and her thoughts were elsewhere. I’m struck by conflicting emotions when I think about her feelings for a man who’s no longer in her life. I try to suppress this nasty thought, though. I know they shared a special bond and profound love, like she does with me, so I can’t be jealous of that. All I can do is be by her side. Not literally, unfortunately, since I’m on the road again, but knowing Ella, she’s probably prefers being alone on this day, so she can mourn and remember him in peace. I’m proud of her for emerging out of such a traumatic experience, a stronger and braver person. I’d probably lose my mind if Ella died. Last week, when we were lounging on the sofa, out of nowhere, our conversation turned from playful and innocent to more dark and serious. I don’t know what suddenly got into Ella; it was probably the fast approaching anniversary of Josh’s death, but I remember the conversation as if it was yesterday.

  “Jake, promise me. If anything happens to me, you’ll find someone again. Promise me you won’t be alone.”

  I looked at her from the side, a deep frown on my face. “What’s with sudden dark thoughts, babe? Nothing is going to happen to you.”

  “Just promise me, Jake. I have to know you’ll live on.”

  I ran my finger along her collarbone. “I can’t promise you that.”

  “Why are you so stubborn?” She leaned against the back of the sofa.

  “Not stubborn, just in love,” I responded playfully. “But there is one thing I can tell you.”

  Ella studied me with a thoughtful gaze.

  “Well, I’m so selfish I wouldn’t want you finding anyone else if something were to happen to me. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else touching, kissing, or doing anything else with you and your body. Only I am allowed to do that.” I slid my hand over her chest, down her stomach. “I’d return from wherever I’d be, and beat the shit out of him.”

  Ella laughed out loud, rolling her eyes in the process. “I don’t think that would be necessary. I doubt if I’d be able to feel anything for anyone else ever again…”

  “Nothing’s going to happen to me, and to you either, so stop worrying. I don’t want you to think about such morbid topics.” I kissed her on the lips. “But I do know something else we can think about,” I grinned, wiggling my eyebrows at her.

  Ella wrapped her hands around my neck. “Oh, really? And what would that be?” she said, playfully. I’m glad I managed to stir the conversation in a different direction and lift her mood.

  “I’m thinking about which room in the house we haven’t christened yet. There must be at least one left.” I pretended to think about it.

  “We both know there isn’t one surface in this house where we haven’t made love on.”

  I shrugged. “Then I suggest we better start from the beginning. And if I recall correctly, this is the place where it all began.” I kissed her soundly to erase the dark thoughts from her mind…

  I dial her number, and put the phone to my ear, waiting to her to answer. After the third ring, I finally hear her voice.

  “Hey, Jake.”

  “Hey, babe, how are you?”

  “I’m fine,” she says, but the sadness in her voice is unmistakable. In the background, I hear Eric Clapton singing Tears In Heaven. I don’t like knowing she’s sad, and I’d do everything in this moment to make her feel better.

  “Did you visit his grave yet?”

  “No, but I was just leaving.”

  “Are you okay on your own?” The thought of her driving in her state unnerves me.

  “Of course. Sweetheart, don’t worry about me. I�
�m okay. Better than I thought, actually. I miss you,” she adds.

  Her last words are balm to my soul. “I miss you terribly, too. Take care, okay?” We exchange a few more words, and then hang up.

  Chapter Seven

  Ella

  “Hey, Josh,” I trace my fingers over the letters on his tombstone, before kneeling and placing the bouquet of flowers in the vase in the middle of the grave. “I can’t believe it’s already been three years since you’ve been gone.” I run my fingers over the gravel on his grave, putting two tiny stones on my palm. I stare at them. “I still miss you, you know. Sometimes I feel your presence right next to me, watching over me.” I smile to myself, rolling my eyes. I’m probably the only person talking to a tombstone. I wipe at the tear that slides down my cheek, stand up straight, and fix my clothes. “I’ve never thanked you…” I take a deep breath, trying to keep my shaky voice from breaking, but I’m alone here, so I don’t know why I bother. “Thank you for everything. You gave me everything I needed and more. Thank you for loving me. I loved you with all my heart; it was beating only for you. Thank you for all the adventures we shared, and all the smiles you gave me. I truly couldn’t want more from you; you were the perfect man. I wished it would last forever…” I sniff, wiping my nose in the sleeve of my shirt. “But unfortunately, it didn’t. You showed me how to love, and how special I am. You made me feel like a queen, and you were my king. I’ll never forget you.” Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. “It took me a long time to come to terms with your death. Jake was the one who opened my eyes, and showed me I’m allowed to feel again. In the beginning, I resisted love with all my might, because I thought I would betray you if I ever loved anyone else beside you. But now I know it’s not like that. I know you wouldn’t want me to stay alone. I would want the same thing for you. And all I want for you is to be happy. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are. I am. I finally feel happiness again, and I have Jake to thank for that. I can’t imagine my life without him in it.” I pause. “I love him. I love you, too, and I’ll never stop. That’s a promise.” A soft breeze caresses my face, and it feels like Josh ran his hand down my cheek, letting me know he’s happy for me. I smile bitterly, and tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “I love you, Josh,” I repeat, and then I turn around, and walk to my car. This time of year is really hard on me, with all the memories of Josh still so fresh in my mind, but now that I have Jake, the pain is not so intense anymore.

  I slowly drive to the gate that opens to our driveway. Like usual, there are five paparazzi in front of the gate, waiting for another exclusive story. I’m slowly getting used to the pomp and spectacle that are a part of Jake’s life. I put on my glasses that protect my eyes from the bright flashes of the cameras, and hide the fact I’ve been crying. I admit it still hurts when they write nasty things about me, but I, and the people I care about, know that it’s all made up. Jake’s groupies and their remarks are also very cruel, but I’ve learned to ignore those. I now know that I’m good enough to be with Jake, even though it took me a long time to realize that. I will never give him up.

  The big, iron gate closes behind me, and I park the car. I climb out, lock the doors, and walk to the empty house. Just as I put the keys on the shelf, my phone rings. I rummage through my purse to find the phone. Right when my hand finally locates it, it stops ringing. Sophie’s name is displayed on the screen, and I smile. Yesterday, she and Matt came home from their honeymoon, and I’m sure she has a lot of juicy stories to tell me.

  “Hey, wanderer. How was your honeymoon?” I ask the second she answers.

  “Hey, I need you. Can I stop by?” Her voice is laced with concern, and it sounds like she’s barely holding in tears. All the hairs on my body stand up.

  “Is everything okay? You sound scared.”

  “I’ll tell you everything, just… I need my best friend. Can I come over?”

  “Of course, you don’t even need to ask me that. You’re welcome here anytime.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you in half an hour.” She hangs up. What could be wrong? Did she have a fight with Matt? Ugh, she should’ve at least said something. Now, I’m going to be a nervous wreck until she shows up. I hope it’s not something really bad. Could this day get even harder on me?

  Half an hour later, I hear the doorbell. I run to the door, and Sophie is standing in front of me, visibly upset. She’s biting her fingernail, shifting from one foot to another, when she enters without a word.

  “Sophie, tell me what’s wrong,” I say, worried, as I sit on the sofa in the living room. Sophie is pacing the room. “Spill already. You’re making me nervous.”

  “I think I’m pregnant,” she stops, giving me a terrified look.

  “Oh my God, that’s great!” I exclaim excitedly, and jump up to hug her. “Did you take a pregnancy test?” She shakes her head. “Then how do you know?” I frown.

  “Lately, I haven’t been feeling that well. I’m tired all the time, and my breasts are so sensitive it hurts. And I’m two weeks late.”

  “Two weeks?” I wrinkle my forehead. “Why didn’t you take a test before if you had your suspicions?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I was in denial. I’m so scared. I don’t want to have a baby. I’m too young!”

  “Would that be so bad? You’re twenty-five. Sophie, that’s not too young. Besides, there’s no need to panic until you pee on a stick, and see the results. What did Matt say?”

  She bites her lip, and slumps her shoulders. “I didn’t tell him anything yet.”

  Shaking my head, I give her a comforting hug. “Let’s go buy a pregnancy test, and we’ll figure things out later.” She nods, smiling sadly.

  Half an hour later, we’re standing in the middle of the bathroom, reading the instructions.

  “So if I understand correctly, you have to pee on that stick, and if you see two lines, you’re pregnant, and if there’s one, you’re not. Is that right?” I wave the box at Sophie.

  “I think so, yes,” she says.

  “Do your thing, I’ll be right outside, okay?” She nods, while I softly close the door behind me. I don’t know why she’s acting so strangely about this. She and Matt have been together forever, they’re married, and he loves her. It seems logical that this would be the next step in their relationship. They both have jobs and enough money to raise a baby with no difficulty. “Are you done?” I yell through the door, probably more excited and impatient than Sophie. The door swings open, and Sophie steps out, white as a sheet.

  “Yep,” she says, and walks to the living room, me following her steps like a little puppy.

  “So, am I going to be an auntie or not?” I try to diffuse the tension radiating from Sophie in waves.

  “I’m pregnant,” she confirms. I squeal in excitement and happiness. It’s not every day your best friend tells you she’s going to have a baby.

  “You have to tell Matt.”

  “I know.” She collapses on the sofa.

  “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you happy? I thought you’d be jumping with joy.” Sophie shrugs.

  “I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. Matt and I never seriously discussed children. Okay, we both want them someday, but in a few years, not right now. What if he won’t be happy about this?”

  “Oh, Sophie,” I hug my friend, and then look her straight in the eyes. “This is what you’re worried about? You know Matt is not like that. He loves you and he’d do anything for you. I bet he’s going to be beside himself with happiness when you tell him.”

  “You really think so?” she asks in a small voice. I nod vigorously.

  “Of course, he’s going to be ecstatic. And so am I! I’m going to be an auntie! I have a hunch it’s going to be a girl.” I clap my hands, thrilled for Sophie, and finally, I see a small smile appear on her face, too. She extends her hand, and pats my shoulder.

  “How are you doing today?” she asks concerned, and my head turns sideways. Why is she asking me how I’m doing? “Ell
a, I know you, and I remember today is the anniversary of Josh’s death. How are you holding up?” I completely forgot about that with all the excitement.

  “I’m fine, really. It feels like I’ve turned a new page in my book of life. Like I received Josh’s blessing, that it’s okay if I laugh and am happy.”

  “It’s so nice to hear that. I’m happy to see you think that way.”

  “Yes. Josh will be with me forever, in my memory, but I have to live on. With Jake.”

  “Speaking of Jake—when is that sexy stud coming back home?” Sophie still can’t hide her excitement over Jake. He’s a god in her cards, and the most beautiful man on the planet, besides Matt, of course. And I can’t object; he really is divine.

  “I have no idea, probably either today or tomorrow. You never know with him,” I shrug. “Better tell me how your honeymoon was. I want to know all the dirty details,” I playfully nudge her in the arm.

  “It was heavenly,” she says dreamily, while sighing. “Well, if I don’t include being sick half of the time, and trying to hide it from Matt. But the Maldives are gorgeous. We had the best time.”

  “Did you even see anything other than the inside of your bedroom?” I raise my eyebrow at her, making her giggle. She punches my arm.

  “What? Are you suggesting all we did was make wild, passionate love the whole time?” she exclaims, pretending to be offended. I tilt my head to the side, my eyebrow still in my hairline.

  “Sophie, you’re forgetting I lived with you. I know what you were doing most of the time.”

  “Oh god, don’t tell me we were that loud,” she says, astounded, and laughs incredulously, slapping a hand over her mouth. I only give her a telling nod. Sophie covers her head with her hands, leaning her forehead on her knees, and looking embarrassed. “No wonder you ran away.” She is flushed red when she finally looks up.