by Jane Odiwe
‘I suppose so, though we should always be careful that our impulses don’t hurt others, I think, or make them feel uncomfortable.’
I hoped Josh couldn’t see my red cheeks. I moved on hoping I’d cool down. Hiding so much from him made me uneasy.
Look Josh, here’s one of Mr Darcy’s shirts,’ I called out, hoping to distract him and change the conversation. ‘I always wonder what Jane would have thought about the wet shirt scene she didn’t write where Colin Firth plunged into the lake.’
Josh laughed. ‘I suspect she’d have had a little chuckle if she knew. I don’t see her as a stuffy spinster sitting in a corner, do you?’
‘No, not at all, I think she was quite the opposite. I imagine if she were alive now, she’d have a lot of fun helping to cast her heroes too.’
‘Oh, now, I love that greatcoat.’ Josh’s eyes lit up. Mr Willoughby’s coat, complete with layers of cape, was displayed next and I couldn’t resist asking Josh what he thought about Jane’s wild boy.
‘Jane clearly knew a handsome scoundrel or two, I think, but I reckon she probably forgave them as she hardly metes out any real punishment for them in her novels, though I suppose in Willoughby’s case, he had to suffer knowing that the love of his life was happily married to someone else.’
‘That’s true. Even William Elliot in Persuasion gets off lightly, and would still end up inheriting Kellynch Hall.’
‘Yes, but he has to see Anne go off with Captain Wentworth. He obviously hoped to get both the inheritance and the girl too.’
‘But, doesn’t he go off with Mrs Clay in the end? He couldn’t have been that upset about Anne.’
Josh nodded in agreement. ‘I think what’s so brilliant is that Jane Austen always recognizes human frailty. Not one of her characters is wholly bad or good. It’s what makes them seem so real.’
We’d come full circle. In the last case were the costumes used in Persuasion and a slideshow flickered on the wall. Amanda Root and Ciaran Hinds smiled out at us, my perfect idea of Anne and Frederick Wentworth.
‘There you are, Miss Elliot. Here’s your namesake,’ said Josh.
‘And her costume, which I’m sure would suit you very well.’
I didn’t know what to say and stared ahead, admiring the green silk of Anne Elliot’s gown looking rather like the one I’d worn to a ball. That had just been some fanciful dream; I was beginning to think.
‘Sophie, I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but you’ve got far more in common with your favourite heroine than you know.
Just like Anne, you are an extremely pretty girl, both gentle and modest, with taste and feeling.’
I decided he must be teasing me so dropped a curtsey with a prim smile. ‘Why, thank you, kind sir, and may I say in return that you appear to be a remarkably fine young man, with a great deal of intelligence, spirit and brilliancy!’
Josh laughed, but then he turned towards me, all humour gone from his face. ‘I’m perfectly serious. And I’d like to add that there was clearly more of Marianne about Anne than most people would credit. A young woman with feelings and emotions, just like you. Listen, Sophie, it’s none of my business, but I know someone’s hurt you. I just want to say that I’m here if you ever want to talk about it, or if you ever need a true friend.’
I was so touched, I nearly wept. ‘You’re such a gentleman, Josh, in the true, old-fashioned sense of the word, but honestly, you don’t know the half of it.’
‘Oh, I think I probably know enough about broken hearts to have a little idea. But, I do understand that you are essentially a private person when it comes to matters of love and I promise, I won’t pry.’
‘There was someone who broke my heart,’ I said, wondering if I really wanted to tell him more. ‘He went off with a friend of mine. I loved her as much as I loved him.’
‘Sophie, I’m so sorry.’
‘I’m fine about it now. I’m over it, really. It just felt such a blow losing the two people who meant the whole world to me. My Dad’s been so kind and I don’t know what I’d have done without him. It’s just that lately I’ve felt really lonely … lonely and alone. Quite a lot alone, if you want to know the truth.’
I’d never admitted any of that to myself before and I felt a bit embarrassed saying it now, telling Josh all the deep secrets of my heart. I thought I’d better change the subject. ‘Thanks, Josh; it’s been a lovely exhibition. I’ve loved seeing these costumes and I feel totally inspired.’
Josh put his hand out to stroke my arm. ‘Sophie, I wish I could take all that hurt away and make you feel better.’
He was so sweet; I just wanted to kiss him. And I did. Without thinking, I stood up on my toes and kissed him on his cheek. It was such a spontaneous moment but the next minute, I was totally blown away. Josh’s eyes locked with mine. The feeling was so powerful I could hardly look at him. His expression was so intense; it was as if he’d reached inside my soul to touch my heart. It happened so quickly. I felt those long fingers in my hair, his warm lips on mine and before I knew it, we were kissing one another. A long, slow and tender kiss, that took me completely out of this world.
When it was over; it seemed for a minute that neither of us knew what to say. I was completely dazed for one thing and when I dared to look Josh in the eye again, I saw him bite his bottom lip.
‘Sophie, I shouldn’t have done that; I apologize with all my heart.’
I was in shock. All I remember is hearing the sound of footsteps entering the room only to disappear as quickly and thinking that if I’d been the person to stumble across us locked in each other’s arms, I, too, would have beaten a hasty retreat.
I felt Josh’s arms loosen and he suddenly looked embarrassed. I really wasn’t helping matters and knew I must find my tongue.
‘No, don’t apologize, it was my fault.’
‘It was very wrong of me. I know you’re feeling very vulnerable.’
‘But, I am quite capable of making up my own mind and I needn’t have kissed you back. I admit, it took me by surprise but then I found I wanted to kiss you.’
‘And I wanted to kiss you,’ said Josh, taking my hand in his, and bringing my fingers to his lips. He turned over my hand planting a soft kiss on my palm. ‘Forgive me?’
‘Only if you forgive me.’
There didn’t seem to be much more to be said and as Josh let go of my hand and started talking about Captain Wentworth’s uniform, pointing out the bicorne hat on display, the awkwardness passed. It was as if nothing had happened and though in that moment of madness I’d responded without hesitation, I didn’t feel entirely comfortable about what had happened. I felt safer now things seemed back as they were before. I didn’t need any more complications in my life right now and clearly Josh felt the same.
The episode wasn’t mentioned again. He was friendly, but distant, as we walked home under the umbrella being so careful not to make any bodily contact, which was difficult, to say the least. The rain drumming above us on the taut cloth was the only sound. Josh didn’t utter another word after we turned onto Green Street. I searched desperately for something to say, but was tongue-tied, only managing a quiet goodbye when we parted.
Chapter Nineteen
The day of Josh’s launch party was drawing ever closer and I had a sudden panic about what I was going to wear. The official invitation that Josh put under the door certainly gave the idea of a formal occasion. I’d bought absolutely nothing with me that was going to be of any use at all. I had no choice; I’d have to get some money out of the allowance my lovely Dad had given me for just such an emergency. Well, he might not have seen it as such, but as far as I was concerned, it was important that I made the right impression. That thought led me to another that I didn’t quite know how to think about. Josh had asked me to go, had indicated that he’d pick me up on the way over, but it didn’t feel like a date and he certainly hadn’t asked me as you might if it was a romantic date. Surely, he’d just asked me to go because he was polite
and thought I’d enjoy it. He’d probably asked lots of people, I decided, but even so, I didn’t want him to think badly of me, and that meant choosing the right outfit. Wondering whether I should go and peruse copies of Vogue and Harpers Bazaar, I also knew that I hadn’t got the type of budget that was going to run to a designer outfit. I’d just have to hit the shops and see what was there. We hadn’t seen each other since the day of the museum and although I’d promised myself I wouldn’t think about what had happened, I couldn’t help remembering the sweetness of that kiss even if it all seemed so unreal; like a dream, somehow. I kept going over what he’d said in my mind, but came back to the same idea that it was right not to complicate our relationship. We were good friends and it would be best if it stayed that way.
Sometimes, just very occasionally, it does seem as if the fates conspire to make everything right. For the very first time in my life, I walked into the very first shop I came to and bought the very first dress I tried on. A flowing floor-length dress in dove-grey jersey, with silver beads embellishing the halter neck strap, seemed to present the perfect solution between the formal and the casual. I couldn’t believe my luck. Teamed with some flat, Grecian style sandals and long earrings, I actually started to feel quite excited about the party and hurried home with my spoils.
I saw Alison as I turned the corner onto Sydney Place. The receptionist from Josh’s museum was knocking on the front door and looked as if she was on an urgent mission.
‘Oh hi,’ she cried, as she saw me approach. ‘Do you know where Josh can be? Only I’ve been knocking for an age and I’ve got an important message I know he won’t want to miss.’
‘I’m sorry I haven’t seen him, but if you’d like me to pass it on, I’m very happy to do that.’
Alison looked me up and down, hesitating as if she were weighing up whether she thought she could trust me. ‘Can you tell him that Louisa called again? She said he’s not answering his phone and she’s desperate to talk to him. They just keep missing one another and he was so upset last time.’
She laughed and added, ‘He must have it bad. Lucky Louisa. What I wouldn’t give to be in her shoes when they get together. Oh well, if you could tell him, I’d be really grateful. I can’t think where he’s got to today. He’s seemed right down in the dumps this week. I’m a bit worried about him, to tell you the truth.’
When she’d gone, I felt really deflated. I couldn’t help wondering who Louisa was or about the message I had to deliver, but it was obvious from Alison’s hints that this girl was evidently very important to Josh. I let myself in, dumping my bags in the bedroom before scribbling a note and poking it under his door.
Back upstairs; I stood at the windows watching the sun going down over the park and the shadows lengthening. I suddenly felt very alone in the gloom of my darkening sitting room and couldn’t help thinking about Josh. Louisa must be someone special. Was she the reason for the broken heart he’d mentioned, I thought? No wonder he always seemed aloof. Although I was sure he was sincere in wishing to be my friend, I knew that what had happened between us had been a huge mistake, one that he’d never meant to happen. Touching my mouth where his lips had kissed mine so tenderly that day reminded me of the powerful emotion I’d experienced. Why was life so bewildering? I didn’t want to fall in love with anyone, so why did it feel as if my heart was trying to confuse me?
My eyes wandered to the rosewood box and opening the lid I fetched out the glove. I’d tried very hard not to think about Sophia and her friendship with the Austens, but it still bothered me that I hadn’t had a satisfactory explanation for what had happened on that day when they’d decided not to call. If I had done or said something to upset my friends, I just had to find out. I felt as if I was always running away from life, but I recognized that I was never going to be happy until I knew. What harm would there be in going back? I would find them and set everything straight. And, as soon as I had, also satisfying my curiosity, I would leave again. There was no reason why I shouldn’t just be Charles’s friend and I ought to make sure that he knew that friendship was all I wanted from him. I was determined on a course I knew in my heart to be both foolish and irresponsible, but I couldn’t help myself. How quickly come the reasons for approving our actions and doing what we like!
Five minutes later I was in Sydney Gardens, which looked ghostly with descending mist in the fading light. At the gate, I didn’t hesitate. Besides, I was absolutely sure I didn’t want to be there when the setting sun disappeared beyond the horizon.
It was daylight on the other side, warm and sunny, which instantly made me feel better. I was surprised at how familiar the gardens looked and though I was feeling a certain amount of trepidation at the thought of seeing Jane and her brother, I was pleased to be back. I’d escaped temporarily from the real world and right now, that was all I wanted to do. Turning onto one of the quieter paths I passed dense shrubbery on either side of the Serpentine Walk, which at every turn met with shady bowers where climbing plants concealed a lover’s seat or a stone statue. The sound of a splashing waterfall led me to a hidden grove where water tumbled over rocks glittering in sunlight and the curving fronds of green ferns dipped their feathery leaves into a gurgling, icy pool. It all looked so magical, like a fairy grotto, and I sat down on the stone seat hidden amongst the greenery to watch a blackbird bathing in the shallows at the water’s edge. I wasn’t in a hurry and in such a beautiful place; it was impossible to worry about anything. Shivering in the cool shade, I pulled my shawl tighter about my shoulders, before taking a pin from my hair and dropping it into the water to make a wish. I closed my eyes, willing with all my heart that what I hoped most of all would come true. More than anything I wanted to see my friends and feel everything was right between us again.
From my seat I could see the entrance to the Labyrinth. Like an enchanted wood, it seemed to be calling me in and I thought I’d take my chance, even though I remembered Jane saying she’d lost herself in the maze on at least two occasions. Green hedges rose high above me as I stepped inside and were so dense it was impossible to see through them. Hurrying along the twisting pathways I wondered if it was a good idea to walk alone, but the place was deserted. Even the gardens had been extraordinarily empty of people. Several times I took a wrong turn at a hermit’s cottage or where a wooden pavilion signalled the end of a path and had to double back, but I soon found myself in the middle. There was Merlin’s swing, a huge wheel rising high in the air for those brave enough to try it, but there was no one suspended above the Labyrinth today to laugh at those who’d lost their way. A moss-covered grotto with a wooden sign declared an alternate way out through an underground passage. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go that way. It looked dark and gloomy so I turned back on myself, and following a butterfly that flew into my field of vision I entered another part of the Labyrinth.
The butterfly almost seemed to be waiting for me to catch it up. As I ran to keep it in view, I watched the beautiful creature dancing in the sunlight, its fragile wings hovering above the ground before soaring to the top of the hedge to alight on a leaf. Brown velvet wings fluttered to make a display of its white lace, and it was then I realized that we were not alone. I heard a whispered exchange, hushed voices that held such nostalgic sounds of recognition, I instantly felt I was intruding. Before I’d taken many more steps I knew that I’d stumbled upon a lover’s meeting and though I really didn’t want to spy, I found myself unable to stop staring.
Concealed within a bower of arched trees, with blossoms tumbling in white curtains like confetti to the ground, a handsome fair-haired gentleman sat holding the hand of his girl who was hidden from my view.
‘I have never been inconstant,’ he said. ‘Your heart must understand the truth of all I say. Tell me not that such precious feelings will diminish, that you will cease to love me. I love none but you. Accuse me of self-interest, I cannot deny it. I am guilty of being selfish, I know, but the happiest hours of my life have been those spent with you.
Do not blame me for wishing to snatch a few more.’
‘I do not blame you, but with everything settled as we know it to be, as things can only be resolved, we will do more harm than good if we do not accept what is beyond our control.’
‘If I were a knave, I would plead with you to change your mind.’
‘And we both know there lies a path to unhappiness and folly. This encounter is insanity itself, I cannot think how you persuaded me to meet you today.’
‘Yet, you came.’
Silence descended. Oblivious to everything around them, I saw two heads bend towards the other and the young man plant a tender kiss upon his lover’s hand. I was rooted to the spot, even though I knew I should leave. If I moved they would hear or see me and know that I’d found them out. That they had no wish to be discovered was painfully obvious. Although the young man seemed to be less furtive, I sensed their anxiety as I caught a glimpse of the girl leaning forward to whisper in his ear. Dressed in a blue gown, which fluttered back in the breeze, I saw her bonnet strings were untied.
The young man spoke again. ‘Can we not pretend just for today, that we are as free to love one another as we were all those years ago when we first met?’
‘The past seems so long ago, a time in another world. You and I are both changed in every way,’ she said.
‘But not in essentials, I believe. True, our circumstances have changed and we’ve had to follow another course to the one we should have desired, but our souls will be forever entwined.’
I heard the girl laugh. ‘You are the most amusing gentleman of my acquaintance. Tell me, just how many of the romantic poets are you imbibing these days? Too much poetry can never be safe!’