For The Love of Ash

by Taylor Lavati

  I grabbed my suitcase from the top of my closet and began to fill it with clothes I would need during the workweek first. I tried to be quiet, but as I was putting a pair of brown dress shoes on top of the jeans, I heard Liam stir.

  "Luke?" he questioned through his foggy daze.

  "It's me, buddy." I looked over my shoulder and smiled at him. I finished zipping the bag and then walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. "Your eye looks way better."

  "Where are you going?"

  "I got an apartment, and I'm moving my things there."

  "You're leaving?"

  "I'll come back and see you."

  "But you're leaving us." Liam sat up, pushing away from me like he hated me. It tore into my insides, but I couldn't let it. I would never be something if I stayed here. I wouldn't have the life I needed if I let myself settle.

  Liam grabbed his DS from the bedside table and started tapping away, ignoring me altogether. I grabbed the thing and threw it down on the bed. He still refused to look at me, but I knew I had his attention.

  "I'm not leaving you. I just can't live here. You can stay with me whenever you want." His eyes softened, finally meeting mine and full of tears. But then my bedroom door slammed open, and Lindsay came at me with fists raised.

  "You stupid son of a bitch!" She slammed her hand into my bicep, and I flinched back to cover my face. Lilly came running in after her, yelling and screaming and tore her off me. Liam had jumped from the bed and was standing in his pajamas on the other side of the room.

  "You don't understand," I said back.

  "Enlighten me. You have no idea what you've done, Luke."

  "I know what I've done. Trust me. I threw away the only woman I've ever loved. But I can't do it. I can't be a father to that kid. I can barely take care of you all." They all looked at each other and then me, like they were seeing me for the first time ever.

  "That's why you left her?"

  "She deserves someone better. You can all attest to that. I can't be there for her. I don't know where my life will take me. There are things I want to do that she doesn't. I don't want to drag her down."

  "Luke, she loves you."

  "And I love her. But that doesn't mean that we should be together. Our lives are so different."

  "It seems like you're making excuses," Lilly said quietly from behind Lindsay.

  "What about me? What about what I want? I have dreams too that don't involve having a nine-year-old right now. Three more years and I could go away to another country and teach. If I stay with Maggie, I don't go. It may sound selfish, but what about that?"

  "Luke, we love you," Lindsay said as she walked to the bed and sat beside me. "Whatever will make you happiest is what you should do. But you just left her without giving her any closure. That's fucked up. If teaching in some foreign place will make you happier than staying, then do it."

  "No, Lindsay. He shouldn't do that!" Lilly yelled, frowning at me like she didn't recognize me. "You want to help kids? There's a kid named Ash that loves you and needs you. There's the help! Or are you done with him?"

  "It's not the same," I told her, even though her words hit me hard.

  Dr. Linhart's earlier appointment was running late so I sat in the waiting room, reading an issue of Time. Since I officially didn't live in my mother's house anymore, I didn't need to come to therapy either. But I felt like I wanted to talk through my feelings today. It was a rare occurrence, but I didn't fight it, just went with it.

  "Mr. Wilson, we're ready for you," the receptionist told me. She was cute, blonde and tiny. But Maggie had tainted me. Nobody could stand up to her. It appalled me because before Maggie, I would've hit on this girl, laid down my best lines, and most likely ended up with her number. But it seemed pointless.

  "I'm glad you're here," the doctor said as she sat in one of the plush green chairs.

  "Something is wrong with me." I only had an hour, and I wanted to understand myself. I didn't know why I was so selfish. Was being selfish something that could be changed? Maybe I could fix myself so I didn't want more. Maybe I could find a way to keep my dreams and Maggie.

  "You're going to have to give me more than that." She grabbed a notebook and placed it on her lap, her hands folding around it and holding onto her expensive ball point pen.

  "I left Maggie and Asher. And I hate myself for it. But at the same time, I didn't have a choice. I don't want to stay here forever. I want to make a difference. If I stayed with them, I would've been stuck. I just know it."

  "You're probably right," she said, nodding across the room.

  "So, I made the right choice?"

  "Why do you love Maggie?"

  I glared at her. I didn't want to talk about Maggie, I wanted her to make me feel better about my decisions and applaud me.

  "She's everything I'm not. She's complicated, a puzzle I'm always trying to piece together. Her passion for Asher is remarkable to see. When she's comfortable, she's hilarious and kind—fuck, she's so fucking good. She's too good for me. That's part of the problem."

  "Why don't you think you're good enough?"

  "She has her life figured out. Everything she does is geared towards Asher having a happy and healthy life. I am just floating, no real destination yet. I know I mess with her plans, and I feel guilt because of it."

  "Do you think Maggie is intelligent?"

  "Are you kidding me? She did our entire project: made the notecards, did the research, put in the effort. She's so naturally smart, but she works hard, too, and that's even better."

  "So, I think she could figure out how to fit you into her life. I mean, she obviously let you in, and I don't doubt that that was a hard choice for her to make. Shouldn't you let her decide who she deserves and her own life's direction?"

  "But she loved me. Love blinds people. I almost gave everything up for her because I loved her so much."

  "By being with Maggie, what is it exactly that you're giving up?"

  "My dream."

  "What dream?"

  "I've always wanted to change children's lives. That's why I went into education. I wanted to make someone happy to learn and eager to go to school. I wanted to be a mentor to someone—to change their path. I wish someone had done that for me."

  "And you can't do that here?"

  "No," I answered fast.

  "Why not?"

  "Because, I just can't."

  "That's not an answer, Luke. Why can't your dreams come true here?" I dropped my head in my hands, emotions rising from within me, places I had kept them hidden for so long. I didn't want to admit this to anyone, not even myself.

  "Because I don't want them to. I can't have Maggie and my dreams. It's too good to be true. I'll mess it up, or some factor will screw it all up. It was either she loses me now or later. It's inevitable."

  "I'm not sure what made you think so poorly of yourself."

  "Maybe the fact that my father beat me for being inadequate."

  "But you've never thought you were until now. What's bringing out this feeling of not being enough?"

  "I don't know. Isn't that what you're supposed to tell me?"

  "Well, I have an idea, but it'd be better if you said it."

  "Because I'm scared?" I asked.

  "Maybe…"

  "Can you just tell me?"

  "I think being scared is a part of it. I think part of you is scared you'll turn out like your father, even though I know that that would never happen. I've talked with you long enough to know you're good at heart. I think another part of you is scared of failing and not accomplishing what you've dreamt of."

  "A big part," I mumbled.

  "But dreams can change Luke. You may not realize it, but you're changing a child's life who really needs it. It's what you've always wanted. But deeper. You're gaining so much more from your relationship with this family. I think you just don't want to admit that this could be real."

  "What do I do?"

  "Get them back. If you really want happ
iness and a life of fulfillment. Get them back and help them. Let them help you back."

  My stomach rolled as I waited to see Asher. The fourth period bell rang and Asher was nowhere to be seen. He usually got here fast and helped me set up for the day, but I guessed today was an exception.

  "Okay, class. Let's jog around the gym for a few minutes to warm our bodies up. We know how important our muscles are, and we have to take care of them." The group of kids started to pick friends. They all jogged in pairs and groups around the red square lines of the gym.

  Asher came in a few minutes late with a blue slip. He dropped his backpack near the door and ran over to me, waving the pass. "Here," he said as he passed it over. There was a scratch on his upper cheek with a butterfly bandage over it.

  "What happened?"

  "Nothing," he mumbled and then ran in line with the other kids. He didn't have many friends in the class, so I knew if I jogged beside him, he'd talk to me. I caught up fast and touched his shoulder.

  "Are you okay?" I asked him as he stared straight ahead.

  "I don't want to talk to you anymore. But Mom said I have to be nice since you're my teacher. So I'm being nice." He sprinted, his feet pattering fast away from me. I stared at his back in disbelief. I knew Maggie would be mad at me leaving, but I didn't think about Asher.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Maggie

  "What's your problem?" Jet asked as I threw a towel into the can with anger. As if Luke leaving me wasn't enough, Ash had to get his face slammed into the boards during his game. The face mask slid up and cut his entire cheek wide open. Two stitches later and a trip to the ER, and I was exhausted, pissed, and not good company to keep.

  "He's going to make you leave if you don't cough it up," Mary Ellen whispered as she scooted by me towards the coffee machine.

  "I'm just in a shit mood, Jet. Please just let it be." I leaned into the window to the kitchen, resting my head on my hands and sighing. I didn't want to go into my drama. I didn't want to relive it more times than I already had.

  "Boyfriend troubles?" he asked as he kicked his legs up on the edge of the stove.

  "Ex-boyfriend," I muttered, rolling my eyes.

  "What'd he do?" Mary Ellen chimed in. I looked around the restaurant, noticing that nobody was left in the place. The older couple that frequently came in was just walking out the door, making us completely alone, the focus all on me.

  "He left me. No explanation. No nothing."

  "There had to be a reason." Jet groaned, like he was trying to figure it all out. "He sat here that night with Ash for hours while you worked, helping him with homework and just chatting. His sisters left, but he stayed. It doesn't add up."

  "Trust me, I know. I've been re-working what could've happened in my head since last Tuesday, and I have no idea. Something flipped, and he just left." I threw my hands up in the air because I truly was at my wits end. My brain was on shut down, and I didn't want to turn it back on.

  "Why don't you take a day or two?" Jet suggested.

  "I need the money."

  "Paid vacation then. Seriously." He hopped up from the folding chair and stopped at the other side of the window. He had the deepest chocolate eyes, and right now, they were wiggling at me to get out of here.

  "Are you sure? I don't mind working. It takes my mind off my shit life."

  "Listen, go home today. If you want to work tomorrow, come. If not, don't. You need to get better, and I just hate looking at you all sad. Things work themselves out, Maggie. I have no doubt you will find happiness."

  "Thank you!" I hugged him through the window and then ran into the back room to get my jacket and purse. I waved as I ran through the front door, the little bell dinging in my wake.

  I decided not to work on Tuesday. I took the morning to myself, nursing a hot English breakfast tea, and got ahead of my bills. They were endless, and I could never catch up to them, but I figured paying a few early might help.

  My phone chimed from the kitchen counter. I wasn't ready to see whoever it was. As I was making an online payment for my Bank of America credit card, I decided to check the phone. It could be the school, and that freaked me out.

  Lindsay: I know you asked me not to tell you what's going on…but he came back.

  I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to know what was going on with Luke or how he was doing. But the sick part of me did. I should hate him, and yet the soft part of me worried whether he was hurt or sad.

  Me: Is he okay?

  Lindsay: Define okay.

  Me: He's not hurt, right?

  Lindsay: Define hurt.

  Me: Quit screwing around. Is he hurt or not?

  Lindsay: No.

  Lindsay: I can tell you're in a similar mood as he is.

  Me: I've got to go.

  Lindsay: Why aren't you at least answering his calls?

  Lindsay: He won't stop calling until you answer.

  For the first time since I got my new car, I broke my rules. Despite it being below freezing, I rolled all of the windows down and chain-smoked. By the time I got to Western, my hair had flown in my face and resembled a birds' nest.

  I left the windows cracked and walked to class. I only had two more left before winter recess, and I had been long awaiting the break. I could relax on Tuesdays and Thursdays now, if just for a month or so.

  I took my seat in the back of the room, pulled out my stack of review papers, and stared at the front of the room. June waltzed in not too soon later.

  "You're here!" she shouted. "How are you?" she lowered her voice and asked. She plopped herself down in the desk beside me. Her eyes were full of pity.

  "I'm fine; what's up with you?"

  "Don't act strong. I'm your friend."

  "Then, I'm dying inside. But it's okay. I'll get over it."

  "It seems like something more than just Luke though."

  "It's just everything right now." I pulled in a breath, trying to control my emotions. "My parents' death anniversary. Luke. Asher got hurt in his game. Asher asked about Luke—all the freaking time. It's just all at once, and I feel overwhelmed."

  "I would've been around more if I knew it was all of that. I thought Luke broke your heart."

  "Well, he did that, too."

  After saying goodbye to June, I walked to my next class. The room was completely vacant, empty desks arranged in six tight rows. I didn't want to sit near Luke, so I walked to the other side of the room and found a desk that was usually empty. I hoped that the room would fill fast, or that Luke just wouldn't show.

  But before anyone else, Luke came in, his eyes finding me immediately since I was the only one in the room. His eyes were bloodshot, rimmed with purple smudges. But I wouldn't feel bad for him. I probably looked the same.

  "We need to talk." He stomped over to me, stopping in front of my new desk.

  "I don't want to talk to you." Even looking at him I could feel my anger dissipate and retreat back into my body. I hated myself for caring about him so much. But this was what got me into my relationship with Luke. My love broke my heart.

  "Come talk, and if you want, after, I'll leave you alone forever."

  "Is that a promise?"

  "Please, Maggie. Let me have a shot to fix this."

  "You knew what you were doing when you left!" I slammed my fist against the plastic desk, rattling it all the way to the metal feet. Kevin, a kid from our class, walked into the room at that moment with two pretty girls flanking him.

  "Outside. Please, just give me a chance." I didn't know whether it was his light gray eyes that pleaded with me, or the fact that he showed up instead of running, but I nodded. I gathered my bag and didn't wait to see if Luke was following. I walked out of the room, down the stairs, and out the front door.

  I sat down on the green bench where a lot of my heavy conversations took place. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes, knowing that I needed this to relax. I lit up while Luke shook his head side to side.

  "If you want to
talk, talk, because I won't listen forever." I knew that I was being mean, but I had to be. He had hurt me like nothing else in the world before. I didn't know if I was being dramatic, but this was worse than my parents' death. Him leaving actually brought me physical pain. He deserved to meet my closed-off self again.

  "I'm sorry…" He dropped his head in his hands, raking them through his hair like he was pulling it out. My heart lurched into my throat.

  "Why did you leave?"

  "I don't have a simple answer," he said. "I got scared because I didn't think I was good enough to be with you and Asher."

  "Why didn't you say anything to me? What made you run?"

  "When I was putting Asher to bed, he called me Dad. And then I kept envisioning myself like my father, and it scared me off. I can't even take care of my siblings; taking on Ash as a son shocked me and made me run." I nodded to myself because I understood what he was saying. Hell, I knew this would happen.

  "I never asked you to be Asher's father."

  "You didn't have to. He obviously saw me that way, and don't get me wrong, I love him. God, I love you both. But I just am no good at this. First thing I did when I got scared was run."

  "Well, thanks for taking the time to explain yourself."

  "That's not why I wanted to talk."

  "What did you want then?" I stubbed out my cigarette on the side of the bench and chucked it behind me onto the grassy area. I had no idea what he was going to say, and my heart was thumping out of my chest so hard I thought it was visible.

  "I talked with Dr. Linhart and she opened my eyes. I need you." He crouched in front of me, taking my hands in his. "I was selfish and stupid. I thought my dreams couldn't coincide with my life here. But you and Asher are my dream. A life with you two is all I ever need, and I see that now."

  "Well, it's a little late."

  "You can't give me a second chance?"