Christopher worried the brim of his straw hat. “I want to give her a good life. I want to make her dreams come true. I know she longs to practice medicine and that she loves helping people. We talked about this the other day, and I was confident things would work out.”
“But now you’re not?”
“Well, there isn’t enough work to keep me busy. If I can’t earn a living here . . . well . . . we’ll have to move to a bigger town.”
Euphanel reached over and patted his arm. “I’d hate to see you go, but you have to do what’s right for you and your family.”
“But you don’t understand. If we moved to a bigger town, then I’d definitely need Deborah to take care of the younger children. I had a solution in mind if we stayed here, and part of that depended on having family nearby. I knew you and Lizzie would help Deborah out if we were to have children—especially if Deborah continued to practice medicine. Moving away wouldn’t allow for that.”
“I see your point.” Euphanel leaned back and wiped her face with the hem of her apron. “Have you prayed about this?”
“Until I’m all out of words.” He turned to face her. “I love your daughter.”
Euphanel smiled. “I know that full well.”
“But I cannot condemn her to a life that she would hate, just to marry her. That would be a more selfish act than I could live with.”
“Christopher, you need to let her be the judge of that. Lay out the situation and let her know what has to be. If she decides to walk away, then that’s her choice.”
He shook his head and dropped his gaze to the floor. “I just don’t know if I can live without her.”
On Saturday evening, when everyone was gathered informally in the living room, Jimmy announced that he’d arranged with Mr. Huebner to take a test to show that he qualified to graduate from high school. The discussion about the week had already been lively, but when Jimmy told them about his plans, the conversation took on a whole new enthusiasm.
“Your folks would no doubt be mighty proud,” Arjan said.
Jimmy nodded. “Ma wanted me to go on with my studies like Christopher did.” He looked to his brother and grinned. “Of course, I don’t have plans to deal with blood and guts.”
“Can we go outside and play with the puppies?” Jonah asked.
“Please? It’s still light,” Emma added.
Mother checked the clock on the wall. “You can go for just a few minutes. I’ll send Darcy to come get you when your bath water is ready. Remember, tomorrow is church, and we need to look our best.”
“I hate havin’ a bath,” Jonah said, shaking his head as he stalked toward the door. “I’m not that dirty.”
Mother and Lizzie exchanged a smile with Deborah. The boy was so covered in dust he might very well turn the bath water to mud.
“Have you thought about what you want to study if you go on to college?” G.W. asked Jimmy once the younger children were gone.
“I love numbers. Anything to do with mathematics,” he replied.
“And you just have to pass a test in order to move ahead?” Arjan asked.
“Yes. It’ll show that I’ve learned all that I need to know in order to go to the university. Mr. Huebner said he’s more than confident I’ll pass. Especially in mathematics. He says I’m well ahead of him in that.” Jimmy’s smile revealed his pride. “He said if the test shows I’ve done just as well in my other subjects, I can attend a university next fall. Of course, dependin’ on the college, I’ll probably have to take a test for them, too, but Mr. Huebner said if I pass one, I can prob’ly pass the other.”
“That’s wonderful news,” Deborah said. “I am so happy for you. I know you’ll enjoy college—I certainly did, and the test I had to take was not all that difficult.”
“Mr. Huebner says there are some great schools here in Texas, but I think I’d like to go back East. Those schools have been around for a lot longer and have more to offer. I want to teach college one day.”
“That’s an admirable career,” Mother said.
Christopher remained silent, and Deborah found that strange. “What do you think of all of this?” she asked him.
All attention turned to the doctor. Christopher looked almost startled by the question. “I am very happy that Jimmy is of a mind to follow his dreams.” He looked to Tommy. “I’m proud of what Tommy has accomplished, as well.”
“I sure don’t want to go to college. I just want to work in logging. I like working outside—it’s so much better than the work we had in town. In fact, I don’t want to go back to school at all. I was told that here, I don’t have to. Besides, with a job I can help take care of the family.”
“We will discuss that later,” Christopher told him. Tommy shrugged but said nothing more.
Deborah knew Tommy’s idea wouldn’t bode well with Christopher. The younger Kelleher had spent only a short time in the logging industry and had no idea of the dangers involved. Christopher, on the other hand, knew them only too well. She tried to give Christopher a smile, but he wasn’t looking at her. In fact, despite the fact he was sitting beside her, Christopher was quite far away. He seemed troubled; maybe he was worried about Jimmy leaving. Maybe he thought his brother wasn’t ready to face the world.
Mother got to her feet. “I’m going to get the bath water ready. Darcy, would you please go call Jonah and Emma back to the house?”
Darcy had stretched out on the rug to study an atlas. She glanced up with a yawn. “Yes, ma’am,” she answered and closed the book. She got to her feet, mindful of the new skirt she’d actually helped to make. “But they won’t like it.”
Everyone chuckled. Deborah knew the girl was right.
“Christopher, why don’t you spend the night here? Use the cabin. I know you prefer to go back to town and keep an eye on what’s yours, but one night surely won’t be too great a risk,” Arjan told him. “We could all head in to church together in the mornin’.” He smiled at Deborah. “And if you had a mind to do a little spoonin’ on the front porch, well, we’d make sure to keep the lights down low.”
Lizzie giggled and G.W. nudged her. “If they don’t take up the offer, we just might. Since the twins are already asleep, we could use a little spoonin’.”
Deborah got to her feet and held her hand out to Christopher. “Oh, no you don’t. The porch is ours. Go find another place to court your wife.”
One by one, the family dispersed. Deborah waited until the silence hummed in her ears. “Are you coming?”
He looked up and nodded. Without a word, he got to his feet and took hold of her hand. Deborah drew him out to the porch. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
Christopher looked at her for a moment, then let go his hold. Walking away a few paces, he planted his hands on the porch rail and stared off into the growing darkness.
Deborah followed. “Christopher, what’s going on? Why are you so distraught?”
He heaved a heavy sigh. “I just don’t know how to make it all work.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Jimmy and school. The family . . . us.”
She grasped his arms and forced Christopher to face her. He didn’t resist, but she could see by the look on his face his reluctance to discuss the matter.
“I’m not sure I understand, but I do know that secrets between us are no good.”
He nodded. “I know, and maybe that’s why this is so hard.”
“Please sit with me. No harm can come from discussion.”
Christopher allowed her to lead the way again and took a seat beside her on the swing. “I’m afraid harm might come from this one. Or at least disappointment.”
Deborah shuddered and rubbed her hands against her arms. Christopher didn’t seem to notice, however, and for that she was glad. Was he upset with her? Was he only now really thinking about what she’d said regarding children and her desire to be a doctor? Did he regret having asked her to marry him?
She tried to eas
e into the conversation. “Jimmy seemed quite excited about attending a university.”
He nodded. “But I don’t know how I could ever afford to send him—and yet, I promised.”
“That’s what this is all about?” she asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.
“Partly.” He leaned back against the wooden frame of the swing. “I can’t seem to make any money. Folks around here—what few there are—want to trade goods for doctoring. They’re as bad off as the rest of us because of the mill being destroyed.”
“But I thought you were having a better time of it, riding out to the surrounding areas.”
He shook his head. “Folks are suffering, Deborah. The bad winter up north helped some of the cattlemen to sell their stock, but many did so either in trade or selling on agreement. Not much cash actually changed hands.”
A sinking feeling came over Deborah. He wanted to leave this area—to move elsewhere. He knew she wouldn’t like it, and he was anticipating the conflict. For a moment, she felt guilty. This was because of her, not Jimmy. She was the one who’d made it clear she didn’t want to leave Perkinsville again. She was the one who wanted to practice at his side when there wasn’t enough work for one doctor, much less two.
“And now Jimmy wants to go to school back East. How could I ever help him with that when I can’t even afford to take care of food and clothes—or put a roof over their heads? I was almost relieved that Tommy wanted nothing more than to go to work and help with expenses.”
Questions wormed their way to the front of her thoughts, but she dared not give them voice: Was he going to tell her they needed to leave Perkinsville? Would he suggest they all move east so that he could practice medicine and Jimmy could attend school? Did he want to forget about the wedding—put aside their love until the financial issues could be resolved?
She longed for answers and feared them at the same time.
“I don’t know what we’re to do, Deborah. I can’t rely upon your folks’ charity forever. The children seem happy—happier than I figured they’d be having just lost Ma and Da.” He shook his head. “I know that has to do with the love your mother has given them. They need someone like her—not me.”
“Are you actually thinking of giving them up to be adopted? You would send them to an orphanage?” Deborah asked. While she didn’t particularly relish the idea of the responsibility right now, she certainly didn’t want the family split up or sent to strangers.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what they need.”
“They need you. They need each other. You can’t send them away,” she said, sounding harsher than she’d intended. She reached out to touch him, but he surprised her by pulling back and getting to his feet.
“That’s the problem. Don’t you see? There is no answer here. Nothing that will satisfy everyone. You don’t want to move away. The children don’t want to be separated. Jimmy wants to go to college, and there is nothing here to help with any of our needs. Tommy is only fifteen, yet he has better chances at making a living than I do!”
He stormed off the porch, leaving Deborah to stare after him, her mouth open. She’d never known Christopher to act in such a fashion. She wanted to run after him, but perhaps it would be better to wait until he cooled off. He probably just wanted to take a walk and think through matters.
Instead, she was shocked a few minutes later when Christopher came riding past the house, headed for town. He was leaving. Without saying a word to her or anyone else, Christopher was going back to Perkinsville.
Was he giving up? Did he just need to be alone?
Deborah walked to the edge of the porch and hugged her arms close. What was happening to her perfect dream—the dream of practicing medicine at her husband’s side? The dream of living in this community and helping the people she loved? Hope flickered like a dying ember.
She felt rather ill as answers crept into her mind. She had deluded herself. There was no dream. Her desires were too many, and she could not have them all.
Foolish woman, a voice condemned from within. You refused to stay in your place and do what was expected. You had to have an education and take on more responsibility than anyone wanted you to have. People tried to advise you, but you wouldn’t hear them, and now you’ll have no chance for happiness unless you are willing to give up your own way.
“But can I be happy in compromising what I believe to be so very important?”
She stared into the darkness, her gaze still fixed on the road. There was a slim chance that Christopher might come back. But even if he did, what could she say? What could either of them do to make this right?
Although Stuart and Jael were in attendance at church the following morning, Deborah had no chance to speak to her friend. Stuart ushered Jael in after the singing began, and as soon as Pastor Shattuck said the last amen, the Albrights quickly walked from the building. Deborah found it curious that they should even be there. After all, neither were particularly interested in church, and Stuart even boasted of despising religious practices. Their presence had taken Deborah’s focus all morning, along with her worries about Christopher. He hadn’t even shown up for the service.
“Where’s Christopher?” Darcy asked as they left the building.
“I don’t know,” Deborah admitted. “I thought he would be here.”
“Maybe he’s sick. You should go check on him,” the astute thirteen-year-old suggested.
Deborah wanted to do just that, but thought better of it. “I’ll have Jimmy and Tommy go see if he’s at the house. Could be he was called out to attend to someone who’s sick.”
Darcy nodded. “I’ll get the boys.” She took off before Deborah could change her mind.
Fanning herself against the growing heat of the day, Deborah watched Zed Perkins talk in low hushed tones with her brother and stepfather in the shade of a tree. His brows were knit together and his head downcast. Arjan put his arm around the older man’s shoulders. No doubt this had to do with Stuart and his plans to buy out Perkins’s interest in the sawmill town.
“Here they are,” Darcy said, pointing to Jimmy and Tommy. “I told them we were afraid Christopher might be sick.”
Deborah looked to Jimmy and smiled. “Could you two just go over to his house and check? He might have gone out on a call, but if he’s not feeling well, then I want to be able to help him.”
“Sure. We’ll go,” Jimmy declared. “Come on, Tom.” They made their way through the folks lingering in the churchyard.
Looking up, Deborah saw G.W. motion her over. Deborah crossed the space and joined her brother and the other men. “What’s wrong?” she asked at the sight of their somber faces.
“Albright is forcing Zed out,” Arjan said in a whisper. “It’s worse than we figured.”
Deborah could imagine that anything having to do with Stuart would only benefit one person—Stuart. “How so?”
Zed shook his head. “Albright says I owe more than I have assets to support. He says there’s not much I bring to the table anymore.” He looked to the ground. “He says he’s taking over the business affairs, the buildings and inventory that’s remaining, and that he’ll give me only a small amount of money in return. This is because of all the money I owe him for the loan on the mill.”
“But I thought,” Deborah interjected, “that he had insurance on the mill and had already been reimbursed for the costs involved. He should have paid the loan off with that money.”
“It was his insurance though,” Arjan replied. “Not Zed’s. He can do with it as he pleases.”
“But surely the bank would expect him to repay them,” Deborah countered.
“The loan wasn’t through the bank,” Zed explained. “It was a personal loan between me and them—Albright and Longstreet. They took on the amount I owed the bank and paid it off. That’s why they have the controllin’ say over what happens now.”
Deborah looked to her brother. “We should get ahold of Lizzie’s father and let him know what’s ha
ppening.”
Zed shook his head sadly. “I already talked to a lawyer in Lufkin. He said that Albright has some big city lawyers handlin’ things for him and that they’ve got folks runnin’ scared—seems politics are involved. It’s pretty well figured that he’s got some of the judges in his pockets, too. That’s why he’s not afraid to do whatever he wants. It’s why he’s treatin’ you folks like he is—he ain’t afraid of being told no.”
“I can believe that just from what he said when I mentioned the idea of us suing him for breach of contract,” G.W. affirmed. “He made it clear that we’d be the ones regrettin’ it.”
Deborah fanned herself all the more furiously. “It’s not right. This state used to be better than that. You could count on folks to do what was decent and lawful.”
“Money makes folks whistle a different tune,” Arjan said in disgust.
“And not havin’ money leaves you with no choice but to dance to the song bein’ whistled,” Zed said with great sorrow in his voice. “I never thought I’d see this day. Rachel and me . . . well, we figured we’d be passin’ the business on to our boys about now. We figured that we’d be takin’ life a little easier. That’s not even possible now. We’ll have to move, and I’ll have to find work. Sawmilling is all I know.”
“What about startin’ up again?” Arjan asked. “If you’re free of Albright, then you could put your own business together, and he’d have no say in the matter.”
“I don’t have the money for it. Once Albright is done with me, I’ll be lucky to have the clothes on my back.”
Deborah felt consumed by sadness and guilt. Her stomach tightened. If she hadn’t encouraged Lizzie to leave Stuart, none of this would be happening. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Perkins. I still say we need to talk to Lizzie’s father. He might have some suggestions.”
“You can talk to him if you’d like,” Zed said, “but I figure the answer will be the same. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I reckon I’d best collect Rachel and head home. We need to spend some time in prayer about what to do next.” The man headed for his wife after shaking hands with G.W. and Arjan, shoulders slumped forward in defeat and his head down.
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