Shackled Lily

by T L Gray

  I searched through Jake’s closet again and found a pair of my yoga pants and a fitted t-shirt. I was more than grateful to get off this dress that constricted my chest. Sometimes fashion really was uncomfortable. Jake’s shower felt amazing and I decided there was one thing I did like about his new place…his bathroom. It was spacious and sleek, and the shower had two showerheads that hit all the right places. I finished washing out all the color that had been my rebellion for the day and got dressed. I began looking through Jake’s cabinets to find the bag of toiletries I always kept as his place. It wasn’t under the sink, so I pulled back the mirror to see if he had put my things in there.

  The sight I saw was terrifying. There were at least ten prescription bottles of pills all stacked next to each other. I looked at each of the labels. Five of them were painkillers and had my mother’s name on them. The other five were Jake’s. Three were prescription sleeping pills while the other two were pills for anxiety and depression. My hands were shaking as I looked at the date on them. They were both dated January 3 and were almost empty. I noted that he had several refills available for each. It also didn’t escape my mind that he had started taking them right after my accident.

  I closed the cabinet, not knowing how I was going to approach this with Jake. We had never really talked about that night I almost died. Maybe we needed to. I found my bag after looking in two other drawers and finished getting ready for bed. I stared at myself for a long time in the mirror. I looked young and could probably pass for seventeen since my hair was loose around my face and I wasn’t wearing any makeup. I didn’t feel young, though. I felt like I was trapped in someone else’s life while my youth slipped away from me. Worse, I couldn’t see a way out. The longer I stayed with my father, the more sure I was that I would never be free.

  I settled in on the couch and turned on a movie while I waited for Jake to get home. His apartment felt cold and lonely, and I wondered how he could live here like this. I itched to call Grant, just to hear his voice, but instead looked through all our text messages. I scrolled to the one that said: I’m done, and my stomach knotted.

  Jake walked in just in time to save me from my madness. Leaving me alone with my thoughts was dangerous. He didn’t bring the girl home with him, but it was obvious that he had gone home with her. His coat was draped over his arm and his shirt was untucked and wrinkled. Jake tossed his jacket onto one of the chairs and fell on the couch next to me. He was holding a business card that had a number written on the back of it.

  “Lucky number ten,” he said with a grin while he looked at the card. “I may even call this one.”

  “Just ten Jake? I would have thought you’d have a much higher number than that,” I teased, not really wanting to know.

  Jake raised an eyebrow at me and smirked. “That’s just post Avery. You don’t want to know the actual number.”

  I stared at him in disbelief. “It’s only been a week, Jake!”

  “What can I say, I’ve been busy.”

  I put my head in my hands and shook it. “What has happened to you? You’re even worse than you were in the frat house,” I accused, staring at him. “You use women as if they are nothing, and your cabinet is so full of pills, I don’t know whether to slap you or commit you.”

  Jake’s face got real harsh and immediately defensive. “How dare you lecture me on using substances or people, Issy. You are the master at that game. I bet there are no less than five guys right now that would fall on a sword for you, and you couldn’t care less about any of them.”

  I drew back from him like he had slapped me and stood over him. “Ok fine, maybe I do drink too much or use people, but at least I treat them with some dignity. Do you honestly think this is how you are going to get over Avery? By sleeping your way through women who couldn’t hold a candle to her? Is that why you take the pills, Jake, to erase the fact that you have lowered your standards so dramatically? It’s pathetic, and you know it!” I knew I was being cruel and hurtful, but I didn’t care. Jake needed a slap in the face.

  “You think I’m pathetic,” he said shaking his head. His eyes were starting to get that cloudy look again that only happened when he was trying to escape his reality. “You want to hear pathetic. Try sitting on the same bench every day, just so you can get a glimpse of her as she tosses her hair and chews on her pen. Watching just long enough to see him show up and hold the only woman I’ve ever loved. So yeah, Issy, I’m pathetic. Sue me for trying to forget.” Jake practically spit out the words as he spoke.

  I covered my mouth with my hand. “Why are you doing that to yourself?”

  Jake rubbed his temples. “Because for those few minutes, I have hope. Hope that one day he won’t show up, and I’ll get a second chance.”

  I couldn’t believe it. Jake had turned into a stalker. I thought of Robbie and felt rage explode within me. “Jake, you have to stop this! She doesn’t want you. Just leave her alone and get on with your life.”

  Jake jumped off the couch and grabbed my arm. “Don’t you minimize my pain, Issy. You have no idea what I’m going through. But you will. Just wait, one day you are going to watch as Grant looks at someone else the way he used to look at you, and you are going to know just like I do that you missed your chance. One day he’s going to offer all of himself to you and you are going to run away, and when you come back it will be too late. When that happens, Issy, then come talk to me. Until then, butt out.” Jake threw down my arm and stormed off to his room, slamming the door in response.

  19. DECLARATIONS

  The nightmare that came that night was worse than any I had previously experienced. I was back in the room, trapped on all four sides, but this time one of the walls were made up of glass I could see through. I banged and banged, but no one was there to help me. Suddenly, Grant appeared outside the glass and looked devastatingly handsome in a tuxedo. He looked happy, almost giddy. I watched as he looked up towards me and his face showed all the love and adoration that made my heart swoon. I smiled back at him and called out his name. He didn’t see me. Instead, there was someone else there, walking up to him in a long white dress. Her back was to me, so I couldn’t see who it was, but it didn’t matter…it wasn’t me.

  His eyes followed her, never losing the look of love in them. I started screaming and banging on the window. It was supposed to be me. Didn’t he know I was in here? I banged and screamed until my throat went hoarse, but it was no use. I watched them walk away together, never once hearing my cries. Suddenly I wasn’t alone in the room, and I felt fear shoot through me as Robbie cornered me by the window. “Now you are all mine,” he said as he touched my face. I tried to scream and to move away from his grip, but I couldn’t. I was stuck there, totally vulnerable to him.

  Next thing I knew, Jake was shaking me awake. “Hey, it’s ok,” he said softly when I sat up. I was violently shaking and panting as if I had just been running. My throat felt hoarse and dry. I looked around the room, making sure I knew where I was and saw the morning light through the windows.

  I turned my frightened eyes to Jake and just threw myself into his arms. It was just a dream. I was safe.

  “Issy, what is going on?” he asked, his voice full of concern. “You were screaming at the top of your lungs for someone to help you.”

  I shook my head in his chest. “It was just a dream,” I stated, still trying to convince myself it was. But what if it wasn’t? What if it was a glimpse into my future? I heard Grant’s words echo through my head again, I won’t wait for you forever. I pulled back from Jake and looked at him, knowing exactly what I had to do.

  “I’m sorry, Jake, I can’t keep our pact anymore,” I stated with resolve. It was as if the light had finally come on, and I knew without question that I loved Grant, and I couldn’t lose him.

  Jake just smiled and nodded. “Go get him, tiger. It’s about time you heard what I’ve been saying.”

  I jumped out of the guest bed I had been sleeping in and bolted to the bathroom, only ta
king the time to brush out my hair and brush my teeth. Minutes later, I was throwing my ball of clothes in the back of my car and racing home at speeds that could get me arrested. The hour trip felt like a lifetime as I drove, feeling more and more panicked that it was going to be too late.

  Relief flooded me when I pulled in the drive and saw his car parked in his spot around the corner of the house. I threw my car in park and ran up the front steps, taking them two at a time. I rushed to his office first. The light was on, as was his computer. His phone sat on top of several stacks of papers, but he was nowhere to be found. I checked my dad’s office next, but it was locked. I tried his room…empty. The panic was getting stronger. I had to find him…I had to tell him. I ran to the back door, and almost started crying when I saw him standing at the end of the pier by my father’s boat.

  I didn’t hesitate and ran until I was standing right next to him. “I want you to kiss me,” I declared, still panting from all the adrenaline surging through me.

  Grant looked startled and completely confused. “Issy, when did you get--”

  I didn’t let him finish. “I want you to kiss me. I know what that means. I remember the promise you made, but I don’t care. I want you to be the only one who ever kisses me again.”

  My words finally registered in his mind and he didn’t wait even a second before pulling me gently into his arms. He held my face and looked into my eyes. I stripped myself of every barrier I’d ever had and looked at him with all the love I felt exploding out of my heart. His lips were gentle and warm, sending shivers through me that felt euphoric. I wrapped my arms around him and poured myself into him, memorizing every part of his perfect mouth.

  He pulled away from me and just stared in shock. “What made you change your mind?” he asked as he caressed my cheek.

  “You said you wouldn’t wait forever. I didn’t want to lose you,” I answered honestly.

  Grant smiled and put his forehead to mine. “I was lying, Issy. Truth is, you’re the only girl for me. There is no acceptable substitute.”

  I jumped up on him and wrapped my legs around his waist so we were eye level. “I’m glad you lied,” I admitted, smiling and began kissing him again. I could kiss him forever and it would never be enough. We had wasted so many years. I had no intention of missing any more.

  Grant set me down on the rail and pulled back again, careful to keep his arms wrapped around me. “What happened with Jake? You’re like a different person,” he pressed, noting the obvious difference in my appearance as well as my demeanor.

  “I just saw someone I never want to be. Someone I would undoubtedly turn into if I ever lost you,” I answered as I touched his face and searched his eyes. Grant appeared taken aback by my honesty and affection. I didn’t care. The walls were gone and happiness filled my soul. “So no more dates, ok?” I teased.

  Grant looked surprised. “What date?”

  I smiled sheepishly, not wanting to admit the jealousy I felt that night. “Friday night. Rosa said you had a date.”

  Grant leaned in brushed his soft lips over my cheek and then my neck. “Rosa misunderstood. I had hoped we might have a date that night, but you were gone when I got back.”

  Desire raged through my body as his lips sent chills down my neck and my arms. I jumped off the rail and got in the boat, pulling Grant along with me. We barely stopped kissing to let him start the engine up and back away from the pier. I stayed behind him while he drove, keeping my arms wrapped tightly around his waist. We got to the center and he anchored the boat. Soon after, he sat down and pulled me onto his lap, still kissing me and touching my face and hair as if he was assuring himself I was real.

  “I keep thinking I’m dreaming,” he said softly as he looked at me.

  “This better not be a dream,” I scoffed with a grin. “I’ll be ticked!” I kissed him again and felt desire flow all through me. I wasn’t going to fight it this time. I began loosening his tie and unbuttoning his shirt. “I want you so bad,” I whispered, making it very clear what my intentions were.

  Grant stopped my hands and stared in my eyes. “There’s no rush, Issy. We have all the time in the world. As gorgeous as it is, I’ve never just wanted your body. I want your soul.”

  It was the first time his words didn’t scare me. I wanted to give him everything. “Ok,” I said slowly, “so how does that work?”

  Grant just laughed and brushed my hair out of my face. “Well, let’s start with you telling me why you’ve pushed me away for so long. Tell me why you are afraid.”

  I suddenly felt nervous and started to get off Grant’s lap. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

  Grant’s grip kept me immobile while he forced me to look at him. “Yes, you are. Tell me. Trust me,” he whispered as he gently caressed my face.

  “I’m scared of being broken like my mother was,” I finally answered. “She loved the wrong person and he failed her.”

  Grant pulled me to him and embraced me while he rubbed his hand up and down my back. “People will always fail us in one way or another. Sometimes brokenness is a good thing, Issy. I would know.”

  I pulled back and looked at him questionably. “When have you ever been broken?”

  Grant let out a long sigh and then looked a little nervous. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about my life for a long time now, Issy. Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?”

  I just scowled at him and he chuckled before beginning. “It was this summer. After everything with you and my dad, I just felt my life was a joke. Every dream I ever had was slipping away, and I was powerless to stop it. I felt bitterness and anger deeper than ever before. When you dismissed me, I went to the gym that night and beat on a punching bag until my knuckles bled, yet I still felt this rage that wouldn’t go away. The next day, I was driving to your dad’s house and while stopped at a light, I turned to see a church on the corner. I had seen that church a million times, but that day, the sign said something that made my gut clench. It said, ‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.’ I stared at the sign so long that cars started beeping at me. I wanted that peace.”

  Grant took a break and smiled at me. I slanted my eyes and looked at him. “Did you ever find it?”

  “Not right away. That Sunday I went to the church. I sat in the back so no one would notice me and just watched all the people in there. The music was amazing and so different from what I expected. The people were different too. They were really friendly and introduced themselves to me even though I tried to hide in the shadows. But what really did it for me was the sermon. The Pastor was doing a series on the fruit of the spirit, and that day he was talking about peace. I was fascinated by this idea that some supernatural being could give me peace when my life was crumbling around me. I didn’t buy it at first, but I was curious, so I started going to church every Sunday and meeting with the Pastor during the week. He didn’t push me, just answered my questions and told me more and more about Jesus Christ. Two months later, I finally understood, and I surrendered my life to God. It was the scariest moment of my life, and then it was the most beautiful moment, because I immediately felt the peace that was promised.”

  I hung on every word he said, watching his eyes as he shared with me. I knew he believed every word he spoke. I was glad for him—glad he found something that would make him happy. Religion had never bothered me; I’d always felt that it was what some people needed to get through life. I just never really believed it was real. I could tell, though, that Grant did believe it was real, so I was careful in how I responded.

  “I’m glad you found that peace, Grant.”

  He smiled at me again and pulled me close. “You can too,” he offered hesitantly.

  I leaned in to kiss him and just rested my head on his shoulder. “Can we talk about other things for a while?”

  He rubbed my back and sighed. “Sure.”

  So that’s what we did. We talked and kissed for hours, sharing all the details of our lives with each other that had pre
viously been hidden. It was an intimacy I’d never known with anyone else, and it happened without shedding one piece of clothing.

  Feeling a freedom I hadn’t felt in weeks, I stood by the rail and let the wind blow through my hair. Grant arms were soon around me, and I leaned back against him, feeling warmth and security.

  “Can I ask you a favor?” he asked as we stared across the lake.

  “Sure.”

  “Will you come to church with me on Sunday?”

  I turned to face him, trying not to look annoyed. I was fine with him being religious, but it wasn’t for me. “I don’t think I belong in a place like that. It’s meant for people like you and Avery. People who are genuinely good.”

  Grant just laughed. “Are you kidding? Church is meant for everyone, especially those that recognize they are sinners. It’s a big part of my life now, Issy, and I want to share it with you. I want you to meet Pastor Boyd. I’ve told him a lot about you.”

  “What?” I yelled, pushing him away. “You talked about me to someone else?”

  “Don’t get mad. I went to see him after our road trip disaster and told him how I acted. I was so disgusted with myself that I had to tell someone. I felt like I’d ruined any chance of being with you,” he explained.

  “What did he say?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

  “He said I shouldn’t be in a relationship with an unbeliever.”

  My jaw dropped as I stared at him. Grant just laughed and winked at me. “Don’t worry. I told him it was too late for that. My life was already intertwined with yours, and I was completely in love with you.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at his admission. “I bet he didn’t like that answer.”

  “He’s a good man, Issy. He was just worried about me.” Then Grant laughed as he remembered something. “He said not to marry you or get too physical with you. I thought he was crazy, but now I can see why he warned me. You’re completely irresistible.” Grant leaned in to kiss me again, but I pushed him away.