by T L Gray
Finally, after two more days of half smiles and one word answers, Rusty had had enough.
“We’re leaving this apartment tonight,” he stated when he walked in from class. I was still in my pajamas and hadn’t even bothered to shower. “You can’t live like this, Issy. It’s not healthy.”
I sighed and threw myself back on the couch. “You say that as if I have a life, Rusty. I don’t.”
“I will try not to be insulted by that comment considering that you and I have been inseparable for two months.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. You know I adore you.” And I really did, but I missed life. I was starting to wonder if maybe I just traded one prison for the next, only I was now the jailer.
“Which is exactly why we are going out tonight…around people, with music.”
I sat up on the couch, excitement filling my stomach. “Really?” I didn’t even care at that moment if it was careless. I had to get out of this house.
“My church is having a live band tonight and there will be so many people, we will have no problem blending. Now go shower. I didn’t think it was possible for you not to look beautiful, but now I’m not so sure.”
I jumped off the couch and charged him, making him pay for his comment with tickles. He finally conceded and apologized. I kissed him on his cheek and whispered, “Thank you,” before running off to the bathroom.
Since my wardrobe was drastically reduced, I had to settle for a pair of jeans, a long white tank top with a small belt around the waist and some heels. It wasn’t quite the Issy from Winsor, but I definitely felt more like myself than I had in months. I even put a few pink streaks in my hair which felt pretty fantastic. The most notable difference, though, were my eyes. They looked alive, almost happy.
I opened the bathroom door and spun out in front of Rusty. “Ta da. What do you think? Have I been officially transformed?”
Rusty’s dimples were deeper than usual when he took me in and then I was off my feet in an explosive hug. “Your stunning, but more importantly…you’re happy.”
He set me back down and then gently moved some hair away from my face that had shifted during the hug. I recognized the look in his eye, and stepped back from him, hoping the act would send a message.
It was earlier than I’d ever left the apartment before, and while it was still dusk and the sun was pretty much gone, it still felt weird to be outside when the stars weren’t out yet.
“You ok?” Rusty asked as he took my hand.
“Yeah.” I sighed a long heavy sigh and looked at him. “I’m just nervous, I guess.”
He squeezed my hand, and then grinned at me. “No worries. I’ve got your back.”
I knew he did. I knew he would die before he let anything happen to me. That was partly what made me nervous. Him being out with me tonight was equally as dangerous for him as it was for me. But it had been two months, and at some point I had to start living again. I took a resolute breath and pushed my anxiety away.
Rusty was right about the crowd. We walked into a large auditorium that easily sat three thousand people. Rusty found us a seat near the aisle, so we had quick access to the door, and ushered me in. The lights were still on, so Rusty kept his arm around me while I buried my face into his massive chest. The fact that Rusty was a good foot taller than me and about a hundred pounds heavier was a blessing since I wanted to disappear.
The lights finally went down and the band started to play. Rusty was right, they were sensational. It felt like a genuine rock concert and after only two songs, I relaxed and started cheering and dancing with everyone else. After a pretty good set of fast songs, the lead singer came to the mike and introduced one of their latest singles. It was a ballad, and I stood fixated as I listened to the words. It was like they wrote it just for me.
I felt Rusty rub my back. “You ok?” he asked when he saw my stricken face.
“This song,” I whispered. There was no need to say more. He understood.
“You wont always feel like this, Issy.”
I just nodded and kept the tears at bay. I was grateful and a little sad when the song ended and they went back to the heavier music. I started to relax again and just let the sound and lights fill me up. Then out of nowhere, I heard someone calling my name.
“Hey, you’re Isadora Summers! Oh my goodness, the papers have been swarming with your picture,” the girl in front of us gushed.
I felt my face drain of all color and my knees suddenly went weak.
“Sorry. Her name is Lisa, but she gets that all the time. It’s the eyes,” Rusty said quickly, wrapping a protective arm around my waist. I was grateful, because I almost thought I would faint.
“Wow. The resemblance is remarkable,” the girl continued, examining me. “The eyes, the hair, everything.”
I finally found myself and put back the mask that had been gone for months. It was remarkable how quickly it came back to me. I smiled sweetly at the girl. “Thanks. I heard she’s pretty. Do you know her?
“Me? Oh no. She’s engaged to some billionaire…not really my class level, you know? She’s been missing for months, though.” She looked at me again through slanted eyes. “You sure you’re not her? I mean, you could be twins.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m not her,” I laughed nonchalantly. “Born and raised in Georgia. I’m just visiting friends for the weekend. Its nice to meet you, though.”
She took the hint and said the same before turning around to enjoy the rest of the concert. As soon as she did, I started trembling. The trembling became shaking as Robbie’s face bombarded my memory. I hadn’t thought of him in weeks and now it felt like he was surrounding me on all sides.
Rusty moved quickly and had us out the door and in his truck in record time. The drive back to Candace’s was silent, the atmosphere a drastic shift from the one we had on the way there. I could tell that Rusty was upset because his whole body was tense and he would periodically rub his head with his right hand.
My fear and shock soon became anger as I watched him. “Did you know about the papers?” I asked through gritted teeth.
Rusty didn’t answer at first and then sighed. “Yes.”
I almost jumped out of my seat. “And you took me out anyway! What were you thinking? That no one would notice, that I exaggerated the danger? Why would I hide out for two months in a thousand foot apartment if it wasn’t serious?”
Rusty just shook his head. “I’m sorry. I messed up.”
I couldn’t speak, because I knew if I did I would yell at him, and I didn’t want to. Rusty wasn’t like Jake or Grant. He couldn’t handle seeing that side of me. So, I stayed silent until we got back to Candace’s where I jumped out of the truck before he even had it in park.
Candace was home studying when I stormed in the house and grabbed my bag to pack.
“What’s going on?” she asked, standing up and watching me with concern.
“I was recognized. Seems that the three of you didn’t feel the need to tell me there’s a search party out for me right now.” I was being short and cold with Candace despite the fact it wasn’t her fault.
“Issy, calm down. There is no search party. It was announced last week that the merger fell through and the papers are speculating that your disappearance had something to do with it. You’ve only been in there twice.”
Candace was the voice of reason as always, and her words did start to make me feel less panicked. I stopped packing long enough to see that Rusty had come in and was standing near the front door. He looked devastated. “I just wanted you to smile again. I would never do anything to intentionally put you in jeopardy, Issy.”
I threw down my bag and put my head in my hands. “I know Rusty. I just don’t know what to do now. I can’t stay here.”
Candace came over and put her hands on my shoulder. “Yes you can. I wasn’t with you. They still don’t have any connection for the two of us.” Candace looked up and Rusty. “Rusty will just have back off for a while until we m
ake sure everything’s ok. No contact for a week.”
I looked over to Rusty, and he looked even worse than before. “Whatever I need to do,” he agreed sadly. “I’m so sorry.”
My anger and fear had finally dissipated, and I walked over to Rusty and hugged him. He responded with a hug so tight that I thought I might split in two. “Don’t own this mess, Rusty. It’s mine, not yours. I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
He hesitantly let me go, and then kissed my cheek before leaving. I threw myself back on the couch and huffed, “Back to isolation.”
Candace sat next to me and patted my leg. “I’m not happy about what happened tonight, Issy, but honestly, I’m glad I had a reason to send Rusty away. He needs some space from you.”
I jerked my head to look at her. “Why do you say that?” I had never treated Rusty poorly.
“Issy, that boy is head over heels in love with you. You’re going to shatter his heart when you leave. I know it’s inevitable, but maybe weaning him off of you a little at time will make it less devastating.”
I crossed my arms and held myself, trying to make the chills go away. Candace was right. While I would never intentionally hurt Rusty, I knew he was falling for me and didn’t say anything. “You’re right. I’ll back off.”
Candace stood back up and walked over to her desk to resume studying. She looked my way sadly. “My week is crazy, Issy. I’m not going to be around much. Are you going to be ok?”
“I’ll be fine,” I lied and covered myself with the blanket. I fell asleep that night in my clothes and didn’t wake up until Candace shook me awake at three in the morning because she heard me crying. The nightmares were back, only this time there was no running. I was already in the room, only now I was strapped to the chair and gagged just as Grant had been. Robbie was standing over me, but I didn’t fight this time. There was just no fight left in me.
The week that followed was miserable. I spent most of my time sleeping. It seemed to make the days go by faster. The nightmares continued, but no one knew because I no longer cried or screamed. In every one, I was broken and did whatever Robbie asked of me. I kept trying to pray, but still felt so alone and afraid. The bible assured Christ was always with me, but the sadness overpowered me.
I felt a hand on my cheek as Rusty stood over me. “Hey sleeping beauty. It’s time to join the land of the living again,” he whispered.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “Is our week up?” I asked.
“Not quite, but I couldn’t wait any longer, and Candace said you needed me.”
I fell into his arms, hoping the feeling of defeat would go away, but it didn’t. In fact, it felt even heavier, because now it held the guilt of knowing every moment I spent with Rusty was one more that could hurt him.
“You shouldn’t be here, Rusty. You need to go have a life. My prison sentence shouldn’t be yours too,” I stated, moving away from him.
“Issy, I know you can’t say the same thing. But the last two months have been the happiest in my life. No matter what happens, it’s been worth it for me.” Rusty took me back in his arms and I didn’t stop him. I needed to be held so bad. “I have a surprise for you,” he finally said.
“Rusty, I don’t think I can handle anymore of your surprises.”
“This one is safe, I promise. Put on some clothes you can move around in,” he directed, ushering me towards the bathroom. I did as he said and put on some tight black yoga pants and a workout tank top. I slipped over my black hoodie and realized this was the same outfit I had worn the night I escaped. The joke was on me. There was no escape.
“Let’s go,” I said flatly, and Rusty just led me out the door. It was dark already, and I relished the feeling of the cool breeze against my face. I let it lift my hair and just stood there, with my eyes closed, taking it all in.
I felt Rusty stand in front of me and capture my face. He put his forehead to mine and then before I could say a word, I felt his lips. He felt as soft and tender as I would have expected, the love he had for me radiating through as he kissed me. I slowly moved away, not wanting to hurt him anymore than I already had.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he whispered.
His words made my heart hurt. “Rusty, I love you too…as a friend. You have shown me more compassion and sacrifice than I deserve. I’ve spent my life using people, taking all I can because it filled me in some way, never caring who I hurt in the process. I’m not that person anymore, and I can’t do that to you.”
“Friendship can turn into more,” he offered, still looking hopeful.
“Yes it can, but not when there’s already someone else filling that place.” My words finally registered and Rusty let me go.
He took one more heavy sigh and then ushered me to his car. “Come on. You’re still getting your surprise.”
I smiled up at him, amazed by his goodness and got in the car. He drove quietly for a while and then finally asked the question I knew had been plaguing him. “So who is it?”
I sat back in my seat and smiled sadly. “When I turned thirteen, I met a boy, and ever since, his name has been permanently tattooed on my heart. I’ve tried everything to erase it, and I mean everything. But no matter what I do, or how much time passes, it never goes away. I can’t escape him.”
“He’s a lucky guy,” Rusty mused as he squeezed my hand.
The laughter came instantly as I shook my head. “Rusty, the fact that you think that shows how little you really know me. I’ve tortured that poor guy, but he’s free now, and that makes me happy.”
Silence hung in the car until a few minutes later when we pulled into a small strip mall. All the lights were off and every business appeared to be closed. Rusty pulled right in front of a glass door that read, “Lisa’s Dance Studio.”
“My sister owns this place. It’s how I pulled that name out so quickly the other night. Anyway, I asked if I could use it at night, and after a myriad of questions and innuendos, she finally gave me the keys.” He handed the keys to me and then smiled. “Go dance, Issy.”
I didn’t know what to say. Words couldn’t cover the emotions that were surging through me. He seemed to understand and reached over me to open my door. “I left a CD in there for you. It’s Tenth Avenue North, the band we listened to the other night. The song is called Worn. Get going. I’m going to blow off a little steam, and I’ll be back.”
I squeezed his hand and then stepped out of the car. I knew I had hurt him, but I also knew it was less than it could have been. He watched me until I got the door unlocked and opened. I gave him a little wave and closed the door. I found the lights and followed the hallway until I saw a large room with mirrors covering the space. Ballet bars ran along the wall and in the corner sat a large stereo system. The CD Rusty had mentioned sat next to it. I held it gingerly, wondering if I could handle hearing that song again in my current state.
I stared at it while I removed my hoodie, and then some more while I stretched. Finally, I took a deep breath and put it in. The music filled me, and I started to move, losing myself completely in the sound of the piano and lyrics. Soon, there was no studio, no gravity, just me and the music as I moved across the space, each word ripping through my heart.
“Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I'm worn”
The tears came without notice. I spun and danced, feeling myself fight against the defeat that had been plaguing me all week. Then out of nowhere, I heard an audible voice in my head.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners…
Fatigue gripped at me, but I pushed though, wanting to find that place again where I believed those words.
To release the oppressed…
If those words were true, then why did
I still feel so scared. Why were my father and Robbie still winning?
I have set you free. Why are you still afraid?
The words stopped my movement, and I collapsed on the floor, letting the sobs take over my shaking body.
“God, please help me,” I pleaded through my tears. “I’m so sad. I’ve had so little faith. Forgive me.” The words were simple, but the tingle that I felt from the top of my head down to my feet wasn’t…it was peace. All this time, I had been holding on to my fear, letting it consume me slowly. Not anymore. It was time to let go of the past, and let God have control.
I closed my eyes and continued to cry, letting all the hurt I had buried pour out of me. Then through my tears I saw the shoes approach me. As my vision cleared, I expected to see Rusty’s worn cowboy boots, but it wasn’t. They were new and expensive, Italian leather that still creaked when he walked. I pulled myself up to see with my own eyes if it were true.
“You found me,” I whispered.
27. NO MORE RUNNING
He fell on his knees next to me and pulled me in his arms. There were tears streaming down his face, and I felt every one because his cheek was pressed up against mine.
“Of course I found you. I never would have stopped looking.” His honey sweet words tickled my ears and fell into my heart, making it swell.
“But I set you free,” I cried, pulling away from him so I could see his beautiful caramel eyes. It felt like a dream, but it wasn’t. Grant was there, holding me, touching me. He was real.
He stared in my eyes and then wiped them dry. I did the same for him. He seemed so happy and yet so sad. And why wasn’t he kissing me?
We got to our feet, still staring at one other as if turning away would make the other disappear. “I can’t believe you’re real,” he whispered, as he touched my face and hair. He pulled me into his arms again. I buried my face in his chest, absorbing every inch of his smell and touch. “I’m so mad at you,” he said tensely, but never moved to release me. “Why didn’t you come with me? I didn’t want to be set free…not from you.”