No Place Like You

by Marnie St Clair

  ‘No more, or this isn’t going to last long.’

  Oh, okay.

  As if he’d decided enough with the preliminaries, he settled against her again, dropped his head back down to her mouth, and administered a dose of deep drugging kisses. She squirmed under him, shifting, trying to get his erection right where she wanted it, because as good as this was, it wasn’t enough. She wanted more, wanted him closer. When she succeeded in getting his head right against her entrance, he rolled away and retrieved what she realised was a condom from the bedside table.

  He was back again a moment later, right where they’d left off. She knew this was it, and her anxiety spiked again. She was grateful when his head dropped into her neck, because she didn’t want him to see her right now. She threaded her fingers through his hair to keep him there.

  One hand on her hip, holding her in place, and the other in her hair, he eased in slowly, helped by the fact that she’d been incredibly turned on only seconds ago. Was still turned on, despite the self-consciousness which had risen. She tried to stay relaxed, but it wasn’t entirely possible. It wasn’t painful exactly but she wasn’t used to the feeling, and she wasn’t sure how much more there was to go.

  When he pushed a little further, she couldn’t help the gasp that escaped, the way her hands tightened their grip on his hair. He stopped immediately, his head came up, and he looked down at her through unfocused eyes, trying to work out what was happening. She saw the moment realisation dawned in his eyes. ‘Lily?’

  The evening light was fading fast, but she could still see his face above her, the grey of his eyes almost silver, iridescent. The hand that had been in her hair shifted to cup her jaw, and a thumb swept across her cheek. ‘We don’t have to do this.’

  Yes, they did. ‘Stop now and I’ll never speak to you again,’ she whispered fiercely. She couldn’t bear it if they didn’t finish tonight.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes.’ There had never been any question. She was his, always had been, always would be. And she wanted him to be hers. ‘Hold my hand?’

  He did, and kept the other one cupping her jaw. He went slowly, giving her time to adjust. He didn’t take his eyes off her once, except to drop occasional light kisses on her face. He was breathing heavily, the strain showed on his face, but he moved as if he had all the time in the world.

  And all at once, the tension drained out of her. Because this was Josh, and those steady eyes were with her every step of the way. He must have felt it, because he moved a little more forcefully, and it hurt, and she cried out. Then wished she hadn’t because she didn’t mind so much, but she knew he would. He nuzzled against her cheek and her neck, muttered some low words she couldn’t make out but whose meaning she got perfectly.

  ‘Don’t stop. Please. I’m okay,’ she begged in a whisper, because he seemed to be going all serious and still above her, and she knew he worried too much.

  She pulled his head down to kiss him, and he started rocking in tight, slow, careful movements. And that felt much better. He hand moved from her jaw, down her neck, lower, lower, to caress her. The way he was stroking and kissing her neck sent thrills, jolts of pleasure through her that was rapidly countering any discomfort.

  ‘Still okay?’ he muttered next to her ear.

  ‘Yes.’ In fact, it was starting to feel good. The more she relaxed, the better it felt, and soon that friction was delicious. He increased his pace slightly, went deeper and then, it was like the world just stopped. A totally new experience. Like reaching the summit of a mountain, and finding the world looked completely different.

  She wanted to share it with him, wanted to see him like he’d seen her.

  ‘Josh.’

  He raised his head, and hand in hand, gazes locked, the tension was incredible. It built and built and she could feel herself coming closer and closer, watching his face as it grew tight and drawn, and she shattered as he did, as release shuddered through his big body and he collapsed on top of her, breathing like he’d run a thousand miles.

  Smiling—grinning—she wrapped her arms around him, wanting him like this always.

  He withdrew too soon, rolling off, though his arm was still under her neck and his hand still held hers. She brought it to her mouth and pressed a kiss to his palm, then lay it on her chest, covering it with her hands. Josh didn’t say anything as he regained his breath, just stared at the ceiling above.

  She didn’t either, and that was perfect, because as far as she was concerned, they’d just said everything that needed to be said.

  She’d lost her virginity to Josh. Years after she was supposed to, but like it was always meant to happen. It could only ever have been with him. He’d been with her the whole way, her slow, careful Josh. They couldn’t have been closer.

  He took his hand from her, where it lay against her chest between her hands. She watched as he rested his forearm across his eyes. He seemed far away all of a sudden. Her skin, deliciously, feverishly hot only a moment before, was cooling rapidly.

  He was retreating, withdrawing again. No. He could not do this to her again. She turned to face him, but before she knew what was happening, he retrieved his arm from under her, and left the bed.

  She watched as he pulled his jeans back on and started towards the stairs. He paused before he went down, and without looking at her, said, ‘I’ll wait for you downstairs.’

  What?

  She sat up in a jerk, feeling sick to her stomach. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Hadn’t they just made love like they were made for one another? Like they were two halves of the same whole?

  She got out of the bed and realised she didn’t have much to put on. She wasn’t having this conversation naked. She pulled on Josh’s top. God, it smelled like him.

  Walking down, she saw him leaning against one of the full-length windows, arm raised to support himself, staring into the brilliant dusk. He was just as cold and distant as the bright celestial lights on the other side of the glass. Just as unreachable.

  She didn’t join him. She hovered awkwardly near the back of the sofa instead.

  She’d felt alone for most of her life, but never like this.

  ‘You didn’t think to tell me?’ He didn’t look at her, kept his gaze fixed on the darkening blue velvet in front of him.

  That she’d been a virgin, obviously. ‘I tried.’ She had tried when they were on the couch, but he’d cut her off. Like he always did. Did he have any idea how hard he was to communicate with? And something like that … It was kind of hard to drop into casual conversation. Not that they did much talking. Ever. She squeezed the firm plumpness of the sofa. ‘I suppose it wasn’t that good for you.’

  ‘It’s not about that,’ he refuted immediately.

  What then? she almost asked. But there was really only one possible answer. He hadn’t wanted to be her first. And now he was, and there was no going back.

  ‘Josh?’ She hated the need in her voice, but goddamn it, she’d just lost her virginity and she did need him. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t realise it was so important.’

  He didn’t answer.

  ‘Can we talk? Please?’

  He turned to look at her then, and his eyes were so bleak it made her wonder what on earth it was they’d just shared. For her, it had been the most breathtakingly intimate moment of her life. For him, not so much, obviously. ‘I can’t do this with you. Not tonight. You’d better go.’

  You’d better go? After what had just happened? Her head didn’t know what to make of the words, but she could feel a part of her soul just crumple up and die. She couldn’t fight him, not tonight.

  Feeling more like eighty than twenty-five, she collected her clothes from the floor and made her way to the front door to dress, as far away from Josh as she could manage. She pulled her boots on, didn’t bother to do up the laces, and shut the door behind her.

  Outside, the moon was rising above the line of tall cypresses, bright enough to ligh
t the way home. She stepped across the stones and tussocks of the paddock, through the beautiful muted chill of the evening. So beautiful in an austere, almost lifeless way she’d usually appreciate, but tonight she felt nothing but numb.

  Nothing remained of the optimism and clarity that’d been hers on the way over. When she’d been certain that somehow, sex was going to solve their problems. Bring them closer.

  But it had. God, it had. When Josh had been above her, hand in hers, careful eyes on her the whole time, she’d never felt closer to anyone in her entire life.

  And then, there was what came later.

  How could she have got it so wrong?

  She couldn’t think about it now. It was too much.

  She got home and headed straight for the stairs. She needed to be alone, to take some time to regroup before she could face the world again.

  ‘Lily?’ Saxon called out from further back in the house.

  She kept walking. Saxon should not see her right now. Saxon should definitely not see her right now.

  He caught her on the stairs. ‘Yo, wait up, Lily. We had a visitor. Guess who …’

  She spun to face him, and he stopped mid-sentence as he took in her face, and let out a low, soft growl. ‘What did he do?’

  ‘Nothing. Nothing I didn’t want him to.’

  He looked at her closely. She tried to smile, but failed miserably. He swore under his breath, ran a hand through his hair.

  ‘I’m fine.’ She’d lost her virginity, that was all. It wasn’t the end of the world. ‘I just need an early night. I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Okay?’

  She knew he was worried, but she didn’t have anything to give him at the moment. She left him standing there and continued up the stairs to where she’d find a long, hot shower, and hopefully, the oblivion of sleep.

  Chapter 12

  Lily knew she’d hit her limit when the working day was over, and the committee members arrived one-by-one. Busy and relatively anonymous she could handle; intense interaction with a small group, one of whom was Josh’s mum, another of whom was an ex? No thanks. Not today.

  ‘I might take off now if you don’t mind,’ she said to Maureen, as everyone took their seats.

  ‘Of course not. You’re not looking well, Lily. Maybe you’ve caught the same thing Katie had,’ Maureen said.

  Lily glanced in Katie’s direction, to find her huge hazel eyes fixed right on her. If Katie had been suffering a horrible case of Josh-itis on Monday, it was entirely possible they had the same thing.

  ‘I’ve been telling her to go home all day, but she wouldn’t listen,’ Maureen announced to the table.

  Because it was much better being here than being at home and having nothing to do but mope around. Busy was good. Besides, at home she’d have to face Saxon. She hadn’t been able to this morning, so she was up and out of the house before dawn, in town way before the café opened, filling the intervening hours sitting in her car reading one of her new books. She didn’t have anything she could say to Saxon, and she didn’t want him to worry, or worse, feel like he had to go avenge her honour or something stupidly macho and unnecessary like that.

  After all, she’d chosen to have sex with Josh. In fact, she’d pushed for it.

  ‘Before you go, there’s something we need to talk about …’

  Maureen sounded serious. She looked serious. She took in the other faces around the table. Was it just her or did they all look strange? Anxious and tense, like what they had to discuss was terribly, terribly sombre.

  All her insecurity came to the fore. They were about to tell her they’d found another venue for the ball. Or that they’d use Mirabook, but without any further involvement from her. They’d realised that after what’d happened on Monday with Katie and the coffee, they couldn’t work with her.

  Trust Lily Schofield to cause problems. Trust Lily Schofield to stuff up a tight-knit, long-standing group within the space of a week.

  Probably no one could even look at her without thinking of all the bad things she’d done.

  Or something like that.

  ‘I’ve discussed it with Helen and Louise, Lily …’ Maureen went on.

  It wasn’t fair. All she’d wanted was a chance to fit in. To be one of them. Right from day one, they’d decided she didn’t deserve that chance. She’d been patient, she’d been kind, she’d accepted anything they wanted to dish out, but it wasn’t getting her anywhere. Without her even knowing it, she’d done something wrong again. She was so sick of being wrong all the time, so sick of constantly seeking forgiveness for crimes she wasn’t even aware she was committing. It wasn’t fair, and she’d had enough. They might be about to evict her, but not before she had her chance to speak. For once, she was going to say her piece. ‘Me first,’ she interrupted. ‘I’ve got something I need to say too.’

  Oh God, was she really going to do this? Yes, dammit, she was. And she certainly had everyone’s attention.

  Slowly she turned her gaze to Helen. ‘I know what happened between my mum and your husband.’

  Helen sat taller in her seat, as if to steel herself against further indignity. Lily didn’t want to offend her, but she had to say this. ‘I’m sorry my mother’s actions caused you pain. She wasn’t malicious, but she was careless. She never thought about the consequences of her actions.’ Lily should know. She’d spent enough time nursing the hurts of her mum’s negligence. ‘But I’m not my mother. I know we look alike, I know that’s a problem for you, but I’m not her. And it’s not fair for you to blame me for things that she did.’

  ‘Katie,’ she continued, building in confidence as she shifted her gaze. Katie’s eyes were already filling with tears, and she had her hand clamped over her mouth, as if that could somehow stop Lily speaking. It couldn’t. ‘It’s not my fault Josh doesn’t have feelings for you. You have to stop acting like I stole your man. He told me he made it clear that you had no future. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but blaming me for it isn’t going to help.’

  Louise looked cool and unruffled and so disdainful that Lily almost faltered, but she’d started this, so she’d push on and finish it.

  ‘Louise. Obviously things between Josh and I are …’ She searched for a word she could use. ‘Complicated. I know you’re his mum and you’re only trying to look after him, but believe me, Josh doesn’t need your protection. Saying that I was bad for him, that I should leave … That was a horrible thing to say. Mirabook is my home and I have every right to stay here.’

  ‘Maureen.’ She met Maureen’s eyes, saw the gruff sympathy lurking there, and it was almost her undoing. She had to fight to finish. ‘Thanks for giving me a chance. That’s all I wanted.’

  She turned, headed for the doors. She’d said what she’d had to, and like a soufflé taken out of the oven too soon, she was about to collapse in a spectacular heap. Desperate to get out, she pushed through the doors, cheery bells ringing incongruously above her.

  She set a furious pace up the street, taking in deep, sporadic and noisy pulls of air, still battling tears that she refused to shed. She’d lost both parents, her friends, her house, her job and all her money, and she’d hadn’t cried, and she was not going to cry now; not over a bunch of small-minded, small-town women intent on making her life hell. Not to mention the love of her life throwing her out of his house like she was a piece of garbage.

  Footsteps running behind her. ‘Lily, wait!’

  No way. Please. Not now.

  She attempted to add speed, but the runner was catching up. A hand landed on her shoulder. ‘Lily, stop.’

  She turned to face Katie. The tears Lily hadn’t shed were running down Katie’s cheeks.

  ‘Lily, I’m so sorry about what happened on Monday. And everything else too.’ She swiped at her cheeks, took a shaky breath before continuing. ‘You were right. Everything you said back there was totally right. Josh never really liked me, not like that. I wanted him to, and I thought that maybe with a bit more time, things woul
d somehow work out. And then you turned up. And he looked at you like I’d always wished he’d look at me, and I hated you for it. But it was never going to happen for us.’

  Lily folded her arms across her chest. The way things stood right now, she was pretty sure it wasn’t going to happen for her and Josh either.

  ‘I feel so bad about your posters,’ Katie went on. She seemed steadier now, the tears had stopped, and her voice was less shaky. ‘I still can’t believe that happened. I’m a kindergarten teacher. My five-year olds wouldn’t pull a stunt like that. It wasn’t deliberate. Not really. I mean, I was thinking about it, but I had no intentions of actually doing it, and then before I knew it, it had happened.’

  Lily recalled the look of appalled horror on Katie’s face as the coffee had spread over the pages. How out-of-sorts she’d seemed that whole afternoon. She obviously hadn’t been herself, and she seemed well and truly distraught and repentant now. ‘Don’t worry about it. Saxon and I had fun redoing them.’

  ‘I ruined your beautiful posters.’

  ‘Yeah, but only half-deliberately.’ She managed a half-smile.

  Katie took a moment, had a final swipe at her cheeks, and then returned a half-smile back. ‘Saxon paints?’

  ‘Yeah, he’s an artist.’

  ‘I went around to your place last night to say sorry, but you weren’t there. I talked to Saxon while I waited. I wasn’t expecting him to be so … He seems nice.’

  So Katie was the visitor Saxon had been trying to tell her about. ‘He is nice. Look, you’re forgiven, okay?’

  Katie smiled at her. ‘Friends?’

  God, could her life turn into any more of a rollercoaster? ‘Friends,’ she agreed. Maybe she should hold out longer, make Katie suffer or something like that, but she’d never been good at holding a grudge.

  ‘We should head back. The others are waiting. Maureen wants to ask you about dinner options for the ball. She’s thinking spit roasts.’

  Dinner options? That’s the thing they’d needed to talk to her about? Oops. They hadn’t been about to chuck her out after all, and she’d made that big speech for nothing. Now she had to go back and face everyone. ‘Guess I got a little carried away back there.’