Shane smiles the biggest smile I've seen in a really long time. "Oh, that's Johnny!"
"Oooh, Johnny!" I say playfully and then, thanks to the look on Shane's face, I realize Sid has no idea why I’ve said it like that.
"Yeah, Ash, Johnny is cute. You guys would be good together." She is so oblivious. I smile at Shane.
"Yeah, he is. What grade is he in?" I ask, trying to sound interested.
"He's a sophomore. I can introduce you," he says, mocking my fake interest. We all look over at the same time. We really need to work on being subtle! Luckily, Johnny is talking to one of the other football players and he doesn’t notice.
A nurse comes out and she starts speaking loudly to get everyone's attention. "Both Brian and Gretchen will be able to have visitors soon, but unfortunately, it's immediate family only. Sorry everyone."
There is a murmur of disappointment from the group and everyone slowly starts to disperse. They all come over to say goodbye to Brian and Gretchen’s parents, who hug each and every one of them. Todd and Ryan promise to keep everyone updated, it is clear they aren’t going anywhere.
In that moment, I take one look at Shane and know he isn’t okay. I grab his hand and pull him around the corner where we can be alone. I sit down against the wall and pat the cold floor next to me so he will join me.
"What's going on, Shaney?" I look into his eyes, which are filled with pain.
He bites his lip and shakes his head. I can see tears starting to well up. The only time I ever saw Shane cry was at Roger's service.
"It's just really hard to be here." He stops and quickly wipes his eyes with his sleeve, but he doesn’t look at me, his eyes stay on the floor. "I can't believe this is happening again. I keep thinking of Brian's parents getting the phone call, just like my parents."—he shakes his head again—"and now they don't even speak to one another. It can't happen again, Ash." He closes his eyes and he’s no longer trying to hide his tears, but as they fall, he quickly wipes them away. "I keep thinking he's coming home, he's just at school. I mean, I knew he was going away and I finally came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to see him every day, but I never thought he was going away forever and I was never going to see him again. I need him. I miss him." Shane buries his face in his hands and rests them on his knees.
I don’t know what to say, so I just listen and rub his back. I am really happy Shane is finally talking about this, I just wish it wasn’t another accident that brought it out.
“I love you, Shane," I whisper to him. "And I know Roger would be so proud of you." I can feel his chest heaving, he is crying so hard. Seeing him like this should make me sad, but it actually makes me happy; he needs to let it all out. He’s been going through so much, more than anyone ever should. I know he loves my brother and Todd and even Brian, but they can never replace Roger; no matter how hard they try. They know that, I know that and Shane definitely knows that.
When he finally looks up at me, his eyes are red and puffy and his cheeks are streaked with tears, but he smiles.
"Thanks, Ash. I love you, too." He wipes his eyes and starts to laugh. "Great, now I have to ride home with Johnny looking like this."
"You look amazing." I hug him tightly and whisper, "Speaking of Johnny, whose team?"
He whispers back, "Not yours!" And grins from ear to ear.
"Figures!" I say acknowledging his perfection. "I can't wait to meet him!"
After Shane leaves, it is only me, Todd, Ryan, Sid and all of our parents. Of course, RTS can’t leave without not so subtly reminding me that Todd is her boyfriend. She gives him the most overly dramatic kiss. It is ridiculous to do in front of his parents, especially under the circumstances, but I think for the first time she feels threatened by me; or maybe just the idea that Todd and I have gone through something traumatic together. I highly doubt she would think I’m a threat without us being thrust into a traumatic situation. I look over at Ryan and he is staring at his phone again. I know he is feeling extremely guilty and there isn’t anything I can do or say to change that.
“Hey,” I say, trying to divert his attention away from his phone.
“Hey, Ash Bug.”
“Watcha doing?”
“Just reading a text from Blythe.” He doesn’t look up from his phone.
“Oh, what did she say?” Blythe! I can’t believe she didn’t even cross my mind until now. "Does she know?"
"She didn't, but I just told her. I thought she should know."
"Yeah, of course, what did she say?”
“She’s really upset, but we both didn’t think it was a good idea for her to come to the hospital. She asked me to keep her updated. I think she might be the only person on earth who feels more guilty than me.” His eyes don’t move away from his phone the entire time he is speaking.
I don’t know what to say so I just hug him; it feels like that’s about all I’m good for tonight, but at least it’s something. As we hug, tears start falling out of my eyes again. I can’t control them tonight. It’s as if I saved up fourteen years of tears for tonight and, once I’ve released them, the floodgates are open for good. Ryan hugs me back tighter than I think he ever has in his life. His physical wounds aren’t serious, but I can feel how deep his emotional wounds are and I wish I could do something to help heal them.
Todd comes over and sits next to us; it is the first time we’ve been this close since we were alone in the chapel, but it doesn’t feel awkward, it feels right.
“Hey, guys! How are you two holding up?”
“How are you holding up?” Ryan questions back.
“Probably about as good as you,” Todd responds.
“I’m doing just great,” I say, wiping my eyes and laughing.
Todd smiles as he puts his arm around me and rests his chin on top of my head. It feels incredibly right to have him this close. My heart starts pounding quickly before I remember who we are surrounded by and nerves start to take over. I immediately look over at Sid, who is watching us with a confused look on her face and it makes my heart drop into my stomach. She knows me too well, she knows something is up. I need to tell her. Luckily, Ryan is so pre-occupied with his phone that he is clueless.
Just then, the same nurse from before comes out, she is much quieter this time. "Both Brian and Gretchen can start to have visitors." She smiles. "They are both in ICU right now, which is on the fourth floor. The floor nurse upstairs can show you to their rooms."
I guess we are a small enough group that she doesn’t feel the need to give us the immediate family speech again. As everyone starts to walk toward the elevators, I grab Sid by the arm. “Hey, you. Can we talk for a sec?”
“Ash, what is going on?” I can tell she knows something is up by the way she looks at me. At least we can cut right to the chase.
“I sort of like, like your brother,” I blurt it out. I figure the quicker I say it, the better.
“You WHAT?” she whispers. Everyone is far enough ahead of us that they can’t hear, but I think she is being extra cautious, which I appreciate. “For how long?”
I glance down at the floor; I can’t bear to look at her. “A while.”
“I can’t believe you; why didn’t you tell me?”
“Well, he doesn’t really know I like him.”
“It looked like he knows to me.” She widens her eyes. “Who else knows?”
I peer back down at the floor. “Shane.”
“You told Shane and you didn’t tell me? Why?”
“Well, he is your brother and I thought it might be weird. I wasn’t sure how you would feel and I didn’t think anything would ever happen, but then, with the whole Ryan, Brian thing, we started talking more.”
“You and Todd?” she asks, sort of following me, but still confused.
“Yes, Todd and I both saw Brian and Gretchen together and we were trying to keep it a secret so Ryan wouldn’t find out before the game.”
“You and Todd?” she says again and I can’t tell if she
is asking or just repeating it because she is in shock.
“Yes.”
“You guys knew about Brian and Gretchen before the fight?”
I take a deep breath. “We did,” I admit.
“Where was I?” she asks.
I look at her and grin. “With Simon.” I shrug my shoulders.
Sid starts to laugh. I’ve been so nervous for her to find out, but she actually seems fine.
“If you and Todd get together, then we’ll really be sisters! I mean, I always thought it’d be me and Ryan,” she says, laughing.
“HA! HA!.” I am so happy she is taking this so well. “Listen, don’t get too excited. We’re not together or anything. I mean, he still has a girlfriend.”
“Oh, please, we already know how he feels about her." She gives me her signature head shake, eye roll. "He's never been that affectionate with Rebecca.”
"Well, they also have never gone through what we went through tonight. I think he’s just being nice to try to comfort me. I have been a little hysterical,” I say, justifying his behavior to both of us. I figure this is enough news for Sid, she doesn’t need to know we kissed. It’s one thing to say you like someone's brother, but it’s entirely different to talk about kissing their brother.
“I’m going to ask him,” she says with a smile.
“Sidney. You better not say a word,” I say in the most paranoid parental voice I can muster.
“I’m just kidding, sis!” She wraps her arm around me.
“You suck!” I say, laughing; I mean really laughing for the first time in what feels like weeks. I’ve truly missed hanging out with my best friend.
Chapter 13: Unclear Future
By the time Sid and I get up to the fourth floor, Brian and Gretchen’s parents are already in visiting with them while our parents, Ryan and Todd are sitting in the ICU waiting area.
“They went in?” I ask.
“Yeah a few minutes ago,” Ryan responds.
“Any more news?”
“Not yet. We’re hoping we’ll get more once they come out,” Todd replies.
We don’t have too long to wait because, a few minutes’ later, Brian’s parents come out. They are visibly upset, but smiling through it.
“How is he?” we all question in unison.
“There are a lot of machines,”—Brian’s Mom sits down to join us—“but the doctors say he’s doing really well,” she says, wiping her tears with a tissue.
“Can anyone else go in?” Todd asks.
“Yes, you should go see him, if you want to. I know he’d want to see you both.” She looks at Ryan and Todd. “The doctor said to talk to him. They believe he can hear you even though he’s sedated. So they said to stay calm and positive, but to talk. They won’t let us stay in very long.”
“You should go in first,” Ryan says to Todd. I think Todd and I both know the stay calm and positive part might be easier for Todd tonight.
Todd looks at me. “Ash, do you want to come?” He holds out his hand. I quickly glance at Sid and she grins in an I-told-you-so way. I grab his hand and he intertwines his fingers into mine. “I figured we started this together, it’s only right we see him together. Plus, I don’t think I could do it alone.” He smiles down at me as we walk down the long hall.
I squeeze his hand and whisper, “Are you scared?”
“I think for the first time tonight, I’m not.” He squeezes my hand back. “Thanks for coming with me.”
“Of course!”
As we approach Brian’s room, I can hear the beeping of the machines. My heart is hammering in my chest and I’m not sure if it’s because of what I am about to see or if it’s because I’m standing here holding Todd’s hand. When we walk into his room there is a chorus of sounds coming from all the machines, it’s as if they are competing to see who can beep the loudest. The whir of the ventilator breathing for him fills the room. There are so many different noises it is hard to hear myself think. It’s unbelievably strange to see Brian looking small and helpless. His personality is always bigger than life, it feels wrong to see him just lying in bed, not even breathing on his own. His head is bandaged and covered in wires monitoring his brain activity. I know the doctor said he is lucky, but he doesn’t look very lucky to me. I feel the tears welling up again and I just keep hearing Brian’s mom say, “stay positive”. I look over at Todd and he’s so strong, he is like a rock; he walks right in as if Brian is awake and nothing is wrong.
“What’s up, Bri. Really, you didn’t have to do this to get everyone back together,” he says sarcastically. It is so unexpected, it makes me laugh out loud. “Ashley is here, too.” He glances over at me and smiles.
“Hi, Brian,” I say awkwardly over the machines. I think Todd senses my lack of positiveness and he jumps back in.
“The doctor keeps saying you’re a fighter and he’s right; keep fighting. We need you to play in the state championships in two weeks, Bri.”
The machine monitoring his heart starts beeping faster. Todd and I both glance at each other with panic. We aren’t sure if that’s good or bad, but it definitely seems as though he hears us.
“We’re so happy you’re okay, Brian. You really scared us,” I say and his heart rate seems to slow a little. Todd squeezes my hand tighter.
“Okay, kids, start to wrap it up, he really needs his rest,” an ICU nurse pops in.
“We love you, buddy. All the players and cheerleaders were here; you should have seen the waiting room. It looked like we crammed in the entire school, but the nurses will only let immediate family come in to visit. I guess it’s a good thing you have a few brothers and sisters,” Todd says, mostly for the benefit of the nurse who isn’t leaving until we do. “But just know, everyone is thinking about you and they were all so happy to hear you are going to be okay!”
The heart monitor starts beeping faster again. Todd and I both eye the monitor, then each other and then the nurse in the doorway who is gesturing to wrap it up.
“Brian, the nurse is saying our time is up. I’ll be back as soon as they let me back in. The better you are, the longer I can stay. No pressure.” He pats Brian’s leg, which is the only part of him that doesn’t have something attached to it.
“Bye, Bri; love you!” In that moment, I really do. Flashes of seeing him as a kid with Ryan are running through my head. As much as he’s Ryan and Todd’s best friend, he’s always been like another brother to me; it’s sort of a love-hate relationship.
As we are walking out, Todd lowers his voice and asks the nurse, “His heart rate keeps getting faster, is that normal?”
“Perfectly normal. In fact, it’s a good sign. He hears you. Don’t worry; we’ve got him closely monitored so if something should happen that isn’t normal, we’ll have doctors and nurses here right away.”
As we walk back towards the ICU waiting room, we pass Gretchen’s room and her door is open. Ryan is in there alone and he’s visibly upset with his forehead leaning up against her un-bandaged hand. Her room looks completely different than Brian’s. She has a few machines and a breathing tube helping her breathe, but her room is empty compared to Brian’s.
“I’m going to stay here for a sec to make sure he’s okay,” I whisper to Todd. I don’t want Ryan to see me, but I can’t bear to leave him alone in so much pain.
“I’ll stay with you,” Todd whispers back as we begin to overhear Ryan’s one-sided conversation.
“I’m so sorry, Gretch. I hate seeing you like this. I should be in that bed, not you.” He lifts his head and looks up at her then runs his fingers over her hair, which still miraculously looks perfect. Her face is bruised and scraped, but she looks so peaceful, so beautiful.
“Ash told me what you said after the accident. You need to know, I love you, too. I forgive you. I’m sorry you believed Brian. I would never cheat on you. Never.” He kisses her hand then he rests his head in his hand and pinches the bridge of his nose. He stays like that for a minute and I realize he is crying as
discreetly as possible.
I look back at Todd. “Maybe we should go?” I whisper to him.
“Yeah. I sort of feel like we’re eavesdropping,” he says with a smile. Ryan must have heard us because he looks up and sees both of us standing in the hallway. He wipes his eyes and comes outside to join us.
“Sorry, we just wanted to make sure you were okay. How’s Gretchen?” I ask.
He merely shrugs; his eyes are still red and watery.
Todd puts his arm around him and squeezes his shoulder. “She’s going to be okay,” he says, looking at Ryan.
“I know.” Ryan stares down at the polished floor. “How’s Brian?”
“Well, his room is a little louder,” Todd responds and I can’t help the smile that forms because what he said is so true and maybe the most positive way to put it.
Ryan furrows his brow, confused.
“There are a lot more machines and they are all pretty loud, but we think he heard what we were saying. His heart rate kept going up when we said things we thought he liked, so try to stay positive when you go in there,” I explain.
“Good to know. I’ll try,” Ryan says. “I’m going to go back in for a minute. I’ll meet you guys in the waiting room.”
“Okay.” I stand up on my tiptoes to hug him. “You know where we are if you need us.”
Todd playfully punches him in the arm. “Stay positive.” He smiles.
When we get back to the waiting area, Brian's parents are eager to hear about our visit. They are excited we think he reacted to things we said. It is finally a positive sign for us all to hold on to.
"Ryan is in with Gretchen, we saw him when we were walking back. Did the doctors give you any updates?" Todd asks Gretchen’s parents.
"They said she's doing well and she'll hopefully be able to get her own room out of ICU tomorrow. They just want to keep her closely monitored tonight after surgery," Mr. Parker answers. "How was Ryan doing in there?"
"Okay, I guess. I know he feels pretty guilty." I shrug.
"Hey, guys!" Ryan says from behind me as he sits down to join us and I wonder if he heard me. He seems to have composed himself a little. "A nurse kicked me out."
Accidental Crush Page 19