Lucky Scars

by Kerry Heavens

  My insides revolted at the very idea. Just as I began to type my polite, but firm, rejection, Ziggy approached and put a stack of sketches on the corner of my desk, placing a pink star on top and smiling sweetly before walking away without a word.

  My heart. Those little stars got me every time. Bad. So, so bad! I had to stop. Before I had time to change my mind, I replied to Jonathan.

  Me: Okay.

  Vomit

  Me: Sounds great

  Double vomit

  Jonathan: Really?

  Yeah, I know, buddy, I was as surprised as you were. But there it was, against my better judgment.

  Me: Yes.

  Jonathan: Wow, I was expecting you to turn me down.

  Me: Would you prefer it if I did?

  Jonathan: NO! Not at all. I’m made up. I get to show you off to all the stuffy suits at work.

  Me: As long as you still understand this is just as—

  My typing was cut off by another message.

  Jonathan: Can I just ask you one thing?

  I deleted what I had typed and replied.

  Me: What?

  Jonathan: Can you leave out the part where you say, “just as friends”?

  I bit my lip. Fuck. I had to chuckle, though. I was too predictable.

  Me: I can leave it out, but it doesn’t change anything.

  Jonathan: Fair enough. Just don’t say it. For me.

  Me: Alright.

  They were just words, but I already felt more vulnerable without them.

  Jonathan: Thank you. Look, I’ve got a meeting, but I’ll call you later and give you the details. Okay?

  Me: Sure.

  Jonathan: Bye beautiful.

  I cringed at myself for being pulled yet further into this fiasco.

  I picked up the drawings Ziggy had left me, putting the star in the jar with the others, and I was immediately drawn into the story of the two characters. The world he was working on was far more than we had anticipated. I was already planning two to three spinoff apps. It was too good to cram into one game. I really felt like he was onto something big. I looked across to his desk, but he wasn’t there, so instead, I made some notes.

  Ten minutes later, he reappeared carrying two fraps and a brown paper bag.

  “These are great, Zig,” I said, as he used the side of his hand to slide Jonathan’s peace offering out of the way to make room for what he knew I really wanted.

  “You like them?” he asked, saying nothing about the coffee.

  “I love them. I think we should divide the story into separate games to give us more room to develop. What do you think?”

  Ziggy nodded noncommittally. “So, what did Mr. Flat White have to say for himself?”

  I looked at him in surprise. “He apologised.”

  “Good,” he said adamantly, “but since you won’t tell me what he needs to apologise for, I can’t tell you if I think it’s good enough.”

  “It’s all good, Zig. It was just a misunderstanding, that’s all.”

  He shook his head disapprovingly and poked the coffee cup again. “So, how many of the most boring coffees in the world are you going to drink before you tell him he’s got you all wrong?”

  “It’s the thought that counts,” I found myself saying in Jonathan’s defence.

  “I hope he wasn’t a dick to you.”

  I hadn’t exactly been fair to him. “I’d say we’re even,” I said simply.

  “You seeing him again?”

  I nodded in affirmation. Why was it so awkward talking to Ziggy about this stuff? Ziggy is my friend. I needed to repeat it as much as possible until I finally understood it. “He’s invited me to some work party on Saturday.”

  “Blimey, that’s a big step.”

  I sat up straighter. “Is it?”

  “Yeah, I mean, introducing you to his colleagues. That’s a lot more than a burger and a movie.”

  “I guess,” I replied quietly. I hadn’t thought of it that way, and I’d been cajoled into not using my just-friends card.

  Oh God, what had I got myself into?

  Chapter Nineteen

  “You look…” Ziggy’s eyebrows rose higher than I thought possible after I did my little twirl. “Gorgeous,” he said on a heavy exhale.

  I frowned. Something about his reaction had me doubting my choice of outfit. Why else would he have had to hesitate?

  “Is it no good?” I asked, pulling at the sleeves of my dress. Yeah, I know, another dress. But what was I supposed to do when invited to a cocktail party other than buy a dress? It was black, because some things never changed, and it was covered completely with sparkly black sequins. The hemline was almost too short and the sleeves came three quarters of the way down my arms. The neckline was high, while the back plunged way down. With the heels I bought to go with the ill-fated red dress and my hair in loose waves, I’d felt almost sexy for the first time ever when I looked in the mirror upstairs. Now, however…

  Ziggy just stared.

  “Zig, don’t. I’m having a hard-enough time in this thing without you telling me I can’t pull it off.” I fidgeted. “Let’s just both pretend I can rock this look, and I’ll be on my way.”

  “I mean it, Sparkles,” he swallowed as if he was really struggling to keep up the pretence. “You’re going to knock him dead.”

  God love him for trying.

  “Yeah, alright, don’t overdo it. I don’t need to knock him dead. I just need to look the part for a couple of hours, so I don’t embarrass myself.”

  “Well, you nailed it. Really.”

  “It’ll do, I guess. I just need to man up and do this.”

  He frowned and glanced right at my crotch. “Man?” He tilted his head. “You’re going to have to tell me how you tuck it away so well. Or…” His eyes darted left and right, checking for eavesdroppers in our empty office. Then he whispered, “Maybe you don’t have much to tuck…Awkward.”

  “Hey! It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean,” I giggled, placing a protective hand over my nonexistent package.

  “Actually, it’s whether the captain stays in port long enough for all the seamen to disembark,” he countered straight faced.

  My snort echoed around the studio, and I shoved him playfully so that he would stop staring intently at my bits.

  “Sorry, couldn’t resist,” he smiled.

  I was relieved he was joking with me. I was too nervous to second guess his mood right then, and I felt like I had missed my friend. There were things I wanted to tell him, to ask his opinion on, but there was this wall up. I couldn’t ask anyone else. No one understood my situation like he did.

  “Can I ask you a serious question?” I blurted before I could stop myself.

  “You can try,” he smirked.

  I studied him for a second, then changed my mind. “Actually, don’t worry about it.”

  “No wait,” he stopped me turning away. “I can be serious; hit me.”

  His smile was so disarming, I forgot my logic for a moment. Where was I? Oh yeah. “No, look, I may feel comfortable enough with you to ask for sex advice, but that doesn’t mean you’re comfortable enough with me to have to give it.”

  His eyes went wide, and he grabbed my shoulders. “You want to ask me for sex advice?” His expression was incredulous.

  “No, I don’t. Forget I said anything.”

  “Like hell I will.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.” It had been a terrible error in judgement. I don’t know what came over me.

  “Spill, Sparkles,” he demanded. “Was he bad?”

  “What? No!” Then I realised my mistake. “Wait, no. I have no idea. We haven’t done anything.”

  “Nothing?”

  I frowned. “No. God no. Not even close. What do you take me for?”

  Ziggy’s expression softened. “A normal, healthy adult.”

  I scoffed. “We both know that normal is out of reach at this point. So, no, we haven’t done anythi
ng.”

  “Not even a kiss?”

  “Are we counting hello and goodbye pecks on the cheek?”

  Ziggy shook his head.

  “Then no.”

  “Wow.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. He just seemed to me to be the type that got straight down to business. I’m just surprised.” I had no idea why he looked so relieved. I was about to go out with Jonathan again, so it was still a real issue.

  “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” I threw up my hands in frustration. “I enjoy his company a lot, but how do I tell him I don’t want to take things further, when I know he definitely will?”

  “How do you know he definitely will?”

  I gave him a flat look. “Because he’s a normal, healthy adult, Zig, AND the kind of guy you’d expect to get straight down to business. You just said it yourself, right?” I started to pace. “Plus, we have technically been out together three times; I’d say I’m already pushing my luck, wouldn’t you?”

  Ziggy sighed and held my shoulders so that I’d look at him. “Sparkles, you are a grown woman. If you want to jump his bones, then jump them and own it.”

  “I’m not ready.”

  “Then if it comes up…pardon the pun, you just tell him that it’s not what you want. If he gives you any trouble, you just call me, okay?”

  His jaw was set. He was serious. I nodded. “Okay.”

  He gave me a half smile and seemed about to add something when we were interrupted.

  “Bea?” I turned to see Jonathan heading across the studio. Without taking his eyes off me, he cut the distance and approached me with a hungry grin. “Wow,” he murmured just for me. Then without a care for Ziggy standing right beside me, he brushed his lips over mine softly, lifting my chin with his fingers. Then he kissed me.

  He just outright took my mouth.

  I was too shocked and overwhelmed by his scent to do anything about it.

  When he released me, he continued to stare into my eyes, and I stood sex-fogged and dumbfounded for a few moments before I could shake it off. When I returned to earth, I swallowed and chanced a look at Ziggy, who was gaping at us disapprovingly.

  I didn’t know why he was looking at me that way. I didn’t sanction tonsil tennis. I was as surprised as he was. I had to look away from his critical gaze, and my only other option at this point was to give Jonathan my attention.

  “You look absolutely amazing.”

  “I, um…thanks,” I cleared my throat, still in shock that he’d decided to do that here, of all places, when we hadn’t done it before. In one move, he had made me out to be a liar when I’d told Ziggy nothing had happened between us.

  Ziggy looked like someone had punched him in the gut, and I didn’t blame him. I’d be annoyed too. Talk about make the guy feel awkward. Who needs to see a first kiss up close and personal? I wanted to apologise, but that would have just made the awkward situation so much worse. Instead, I addressed Jonathan.

  “I thought you were going to meet me downstairs?” I tried to mask my irritation, but it was there. I could hear it.

  “I couldn’t wait to see you,” he grinned, looking smug. Then he looked around the space and seemed to be appraising my work environment. “And I was curious to see where you live.”

  “Oh.” I paused, trying to keep the deer-caught-in-headlights look off my face. Yeah, he’s so not seeing where I live. “That’s upstairs,” I dismissed. “Anyway, we should go, we might get stuck in traffic.”

  “No, it’s fine, we’re walking from here. It’s only down the road,” Jonathan said absently, looking around the studio again.

  “So, I’m going to go,” Ziggy said abruptly, and I turned to look at him. He was staring at Jonathan, who was now facing away from us both, looking up at the gaming area with interest.

  Jonathan turned back around, and for the first time, acknowledged Ziggy. “Oh hey,” he said almost in surprise, as if he wasn’t aware there was a third person in the room before that moment. “Good to see you again.” He held out his hand but did it in such a way that had him leaning in front of me. It was a territorial gesture. I may have been terrible at this stuff, but I was well aware when someone was staking a claim. Suddenly, it all added up. Coming up here to nose around, ignoring Ziggy, kissing me. This was a pissing contest, at least on Jonathan’s part it was.

  Sweet baby Jesus.

  I was too old for this shit.

  I was ready to call it a night right here. Then I remembered that I needed to focus on something other than maybe falling for Ziggy, and while I would honestly like to help Jonathan to the door by his balls right now, I knew this was the only way. I could suck it up for one more evening before I declared this entire farce a bust.

  “You, too,” Ziggy replied tightly.

  Yeah, he could sense it too. I could tell from his body language. They were complete opposites, and I wasn’t in a hurry to find out how they would get along now that war had been waged.

  “Right, I’ll just get my coat, then,” I blurted way too cheerfully, hurrying over to the coat rack to escape the tension.

  “Have a good night,” Ziggy said tersely and left with a wave of his hand.

  Seriously, I was going to need to know what his problem was. I mean, I’m only doing what he just told me normal people do. What the hell?

  “So, he’s one of your ‘gamers’?” Jonathan asked, using air quotes to show his apparent lack of respect for the profession. My hackles went up sharply, both on Ziggy’s behalf and my own.

  “Actually, Ziggy is just about the biggest talent in the industry.”

  Jonathan looked towards the door where Ziggy had retreated and raised a brow incredulously. “Really? That guy?”

  “Yeah, that guy,” I challenged, defending Ziggy. It hurt to even think that his incredible talent was undervalued by anyone.

  “Huh.” He nodded. “Well, that’s cool.” He shrugged and smiled, offering me his elbow. “Shall we, beautiful?” And just like that, apparently, the pissing contest was over. Maybe it was just something men needed to do? They were so weird, and I was so out of touch. How was I supposed to know?

  I hesitated for a moment and then took a deep breath. “Come on, then,” I relented.

  Jonathan held open doors, ushered me ahead and kept my arm the whole way. He wasn’t lying; it was just down the road. The Soho Hotel on Dean Street was bursting with colour and oh so chic. I knew it was there, tucked away at the end of the little mews, but I’d never been inside.

  After checking our coats in reception, we headed downstairs. The party was located in the basement where a series of quirky, ultra-stylish rooms had been hired by Jonathan’s publishing house for this very show off-y soirée. We were handed some kind of gin cocktail as we were welcomed in, and I fell in behind Jonathan and sipped the heady drink while he began greeting colleagues.

  “I want you to meet Bea,” I was aware of him saying. Then he urged me forward, and I hit the ground running.

  Chapter Twenty

  “Are you having fun?” Jonathan asked, leaning close.

  “I am,” I smiled. I was, really. I felt like a fish out of water, but I was figuring it out. As far as being comfortable with this man who owned a room and dominated with his charisma, I’d have to let you know.

  It was a lot.

  A lot that I knew I was in no position to handle right now. Or maybe ever.

  But he was an okay guy. I’d have to give him that.

  Jonathan slipped his hand into mine. “Come on,” he said, giving it a tug. “I want to show you something.”

  I looked at him quizzically, but he simply smiled and left me with no option but to follow him through the party and out into the basement lobby area. He hit the button for the lift and said nothing as we waited; he only squeezed my hand a little as a form of communication. When the lift came, he waited for me to step in before he joined me, and then he let the doors slide closed without pressing any buttons.


  “Are you okay?” he asked earnestly with completely unwavering eye contact.

  “I’m good.” I felt shy. He was so…bold.

  Still, he didn’t select a floor.

  “What did you want to show me?” I asked hesitantly.

  He inhaled deeply and pressed the button for the top floor.

  Perhaps there was a roof terrace up there?

  The lift began to move, and we stood in silence facing each other. My hand still held securely in his. The anticipation crackled between us, but I wondered if we were anticipating different things. When the lift stopped, and the doors opened, he stepped off first and turned, looking serious.

  “You look absolutely stunning tonight,” he murmured. I could not miss the look of determination in his eyes and my adrenaline spiked instantly.

  He was going to kiss me again.

  I had wanted him to after we went to dinner, and he hadn’t, which left me needy and embarrassed. Then tonight he did it for all the wrong reasons and I was too caught up in the fact Ziggy was there to be anything but shocked.

  This was just for us and I didn’t know how that made me feel.

  Before I could overthink it, he leaned in, hands cupping my face and his soft lips caressing mine. He was as persuasive in his tenderness as he was with those charming words he used, and I melted into the kiss with no resistance. Need awoke inside me and desire drove my response to him. I kissed back, slowly, tentatively, deeply.

  It felt so good to share passion again, so exciting, so intense.

  Jonathan was gentle, he was caring, he was…not Ziggy.

  I came back to my senses. It wasn’t his fault, but it just wasn’t right. I might never have this with Ziggy, but I couldn’t do it with Jonathan.

  I pressed my hand gently to his chest and he slowly pulled away.

  Our eyes met, I offered him an apologetic smile, and he brushed the backs of his fingers over my cheek.

  There was more he wanted, and I knew the time had come to put an end to this before anyone was hurt.

  Jonathan took my hand in his. He knew he was about to ask too much of me, and he looked almost sorry about it, but he was going to ask anyway. That’s why my feet didn’t seem to work when he tried to urge me out of the lift. I wasn’t going another step towards being convinced to stay.